Day 25

Wednesday, March 31, 2010
25 days without Leigh – 9:23 p.m.
Made it through the day. This note will be short as I'm running on fumes and need to get some sleep.
Two "God moments" today when I heard from two different people regarding how they want to strengthen their walk with God as a result of Leigh Ann's walk with the Lord. How stinkin' cool is that?!!
From a friend….

She made a impression on anyone who came in her life. I have to believe because she wore her faith, love for God and love for her neighbor on her sleeve for everyone to see, people knew she was different. I think everybody she came in contact with and was at her services knew she was a Christian and probably brought more people to Christ than I will ever dream to.

She has inspired me to tell everyone I know or ever meet moving forward what I am about. Because Of Leigh Ann I will refuse to have a funeral and have one person there who says " I did not know he went to Church and was a Christian".

And then I got a card from a friend of a friend who didn't even know Leigh but said she wants to live more for Christ because she's heard so many talk about Leigh's love for the Lord.
Selfishly I would trade all of this for Leigh to be back. And I wouldn't think twice about it. But it is very encouraging to know her death is causing others to think about the Lord. If there's an aspect of her death that I don't mind I guess it would be that one. May God get the glory.

Day 25

Wednesday, March 31, 2010
12:25 a.m.
25 Days without Leigh – yesterday was busy, confusing, good, hard. Cried on my way into work. Seems to be the norm right now. Too much time from when I wake up to when I get to work where I don't have many people to talk to, so I end up doing a lot of thinking. This inevitably leads to weeping because my mind is flooded with any number of any topics. Why Leigh Ann? What does the future hold? How do kids do life without their mother? What will Easter look like for us? Is loneliness really this bad? Who runs into the back of someone going that fast? Did I fill out all the paperwork to get the kids on my insurance? Where did I put Bailey's social security number? What am I supposed to be teaching today? Did the kids brush their teeth? What did Leigh Ann do in Heaven yesterday? Does she miss us? Will she forget us? Can we take a summer vacation without it being a total disaster? Is this really happening? How much fabric softener should I use? Why can't Leigh Ann be a part of some of these awesome "God moments?" These plus countless other thoughts keep me company on my way to work.
Work is a refuge in many ways because I'm forced to get through my lesson plans which means I can talk about some other things from 8 a.m. – 3 p.m. The downside is I'm away from the kids. I don't get to see them wake up. I don't get to drive them to school. But having the summers off is something I don't take for granted. Very few jobs allow for that. I can't wait until May 22^nd.
Kids had counseling today. First session. I think all went well. Solid Christian counselor. We'll meet weekly for another 6 weeks or so. She said her primary objective is to help the kids identify what their emotions are and how to express them. I'll also sit in and see if I can glean some wisdom. I'm always in need of counsel, advice, and wisdom from people who have either been down this road or who have put in their 10,000 hours to master the subject of grief. Been talking with a few people who have been down this road (loss of a spouse at a fairly young age). Comforting. Yet we all end our thoughts with the same question, "Can you believe we're even having to talk about this kind of stuff?"
Aunt Reagan and Uncle Jaime came over last night to help with dinner and baths so I could attend our Care Group. Leigh and I have become good friends with our Care Group members and it was good to meet last night. Difficult only in that I couldn't help but drive to and from the meeting feeling incredibly alone. One thing Leigh and I did often was use the time driving to our Care Group to discuss our days and driving from our Care Group discussing God. The ride tonight was loudly silent. Something I feel is going to be somewhat of a norm moving forward. The people in cars next to mine must think I'm on medication. They'll either see a grown man weeping, a grown man lifting one of his hands singing praises to God and simultaneously weeping, or see a grown man talking to himself. Guess I'm glad I really don't care what they think.
Spent two hours after kissing the kids goodnight working with my lawyer on my will. I know it needs to be done but know I'm aware of one more thing that I can put on the "exhausting" list. Somewhat sobering to be talking about death and the ramifications of what would happen should I die. Feel so bad for Caden as he's mentioned several times how scared he is when I leave each morning, wondering if I'll make it home. Breaks my heart. I know creating a will needs to happen and there is a sense of comfort knowing things are being put into place should anything ever happen to me. But it is an emotionally draining nonetheless. Another reality settling in – I have sole custody of these precious children for the next 8 – 14 years. A responsibility I never wanted to assume by myself. How I wish Leigh Ann were here.
Prayer Requests –

• Easter. Huge day for us as this will be our first holiday without Leigh. Prayers that we would remember her often and at the same time enjoy the day reflecting on Jesus' resurrection.
• Caden to be resting in God's comfort that He does have everything in control.
• A positive response to weekly counseling.

"Father, thank You for Your Word. How much I'm trying to trust in its truths. How much it is getting me through each day. How much hope I have because of where I know Leigh Ann to be and that I will get to see her again. I would ask for Your help in giving me wisdom and strength. Wisdom to make right decisions for my kids. Strength to get out of bed each day and face whatever it is You have for me. Thank You for everyone who has wept with us, who have supported us, who have reached out to us, who have loved on us. I am humbled by the love we've received. Leigh Ann is so missed. Please let me know that she is being taken care of."

Day 22

Sunday, March 28, 2010
22 Days Without Leigh – up and down today but I'm glad to say at least there were some "ups." No doubt the credit belongs to the relentless prayers of the saints who have put me and kids as "regulars" in their prayers. The enormity of the situation still stands over me like someone looking up at the Empire State Building. There is no end in sight and that reality still hits me like its Day 1 each day. Strike that. It's actually worse each day. But here we are. And so today the "ups" included: listening to worship this morning at church, watching the kids spend their $5.00 gift cards at the Dollar Tree, and, laying down with Malia watching some t.v. I guess some of the "good" in any of this is that these moments may have just passed me by a few months ago. I'm not sure I would have viewed them as "ups." Maybe, but probably not.
Another "up" – reading out of Colossians tonight. "…yet He has now reconciled you in His fleshly body through death, in order to present you before God holy and blameless and beyond reproach, if indeed you continue in the faith firmly established and steadfast, and not moved away from the hope of the gospel that you have heard…" (1:22). I caught an image that on March 6^th Jesus presented Leigh Ann to God the Father. Something like, "Father, here is your servant Leigh Ann Tonkinson. She is holy, and blameless, and beyond reproach. I died for her and my blood has taken away her sin. And she believed that and continued her life firmly believing in Me." And I can picture Leigh, as beautiful as she ever was here on earth, standing with Jesus, before the Father, rejoicing in His fullness. And that God the Father was sharing with her how all of this works with her being in Heaven and her family still on earth. And how she now understands even though we don't. I'm so thankful for the gospel. The hope I have because of Christ's death for Leigh Ann and me and all who believe.
Good to have a small routine. Wake up, get kids ready for church, go to church, lunch afterwards, go to cemetery, come home. Atleast I've got that to look forward to on Sundays. And while it sounds morose to think going to a cemetery is a part of our routine, Caden said as we were pulling in to Valley of the Sun that his heart feels good when we go to see mommy. That he feels a sense of peace. 10 yrs old and he's teaching me things every day. I'm so glad going to visit Leigh's grave isn't something the kids dread. How tough would that be? Rather, for now anyway, it's something they're already becoming familiar with. For me going does bring a sense of something. Not sure what it is right now but it's not doom and gloom. It's not a picnic either. Maybe something inbetween.
Malia starts school tomorrow, family counseling on Tuesday, Malia starts dance on Wednesday, Basketball for boys on Friday and Saturday, Easter on Sunday. Glad to know the kids can enjoy some regular activities (much to the thanks of family and friends who have graciously offered to help with driving).
Prayer Requests:

• That I would be able to get through the week (I'm off on Friday for Good Friday, so it's a shorter week)
• That the kids would be okay with meeting with our counselor on Tuesday
• That Malia would be able to start school and dance and not be sad that Leigh won't be there for her
• That Good Friday and Easter would be so meaningful for us this weekend

"Father, I'm in the dark. It's nothing but fog. I can't see infront of me. Thank You for small glimpses of joy. Thank You for worship. Thank You for the body of Christ. Thank You for eternal hope. Thank You that this isn't all there is. Thank You for this week – Leigh Ann's Savior who died for her and rose again so that she might live. That we might live. Thank You."

Day 21

Saturday, March 27, 2010
Day 21 without Leigh – still settling into the fact that Leigh is gone. I can't believe it. I'm going through my days without her and there is such a massive void in my life. I am lonely beyond words and yet there are people all around me. The loneliness comes from missing just one person. I could meet 1,000 people and if none of them are Leigh Ann then I'm still lonely. I need her. I need my wife. I need the one whom I was supposed to spend years and years and years with. We were supposed to see our kids graduate, and date, and get married, and have children. We were supposed to be grandparents and enjoy playing with our grandchildren. We were supposed to travel and vacation and enjoy life together. We were supposed to enjoy ministry together. We were supposed simply be together. No matter what else would happen in life we were supposed to be together. Experiencing life together.
Leigh Ann is dead and none of this will ever happen. I hate everything about her death. I hate empty closets. I hate knowing three kids will not have their mother. I hate every room I'm in that she's not in. I hate playing with the kids outside knowing she's not on the porch swing watching us. I hate thinking all the time about the future. I hate sleeping in the bed that used to be for the both of us. I hate not having her to tell my day to. I hate not having her to talk with in the car. I hate not having her to laugh with. I hate not being able to hug her. Leigh Ann is gone and I hate it.
Life is continuing to move on. The boys had basketball games today. Malia starts school on Monday. Easter is next week. I can barely get by not because I don't have help and support. I can barely get by because I can't bear the weight of what it means to live life without Leigh Ann.
All to say, tough day today. Hopefully church tomorrow and visiting her grave might bring some much needed hope.
Prayer Requests:

• To sleep more
• To take deep breaths and enjoy my kids
• That the kids would be able to enjoy school and their activities
• For Grandma Judy and Grandma Peggy who are doing full-time work with the kids
• To continue to trust God

"Father, I know Your ways are good. I'm just not seeing that today. I'm not seeing how this is all going to work out. And honestly I need Leigh back. I need my old life back. So, please help me see You in the depths of this hurt. I need Your peace."

Day 18

Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Day 18 without Leigh – exhaustion slowly starting to creep in. The minute I say this I'm sure a host of people would jump in their cars and get on a plane and come over to relieve me of whatever it is that's draining me. Therein lies the problem. It's not a matter of fixing this one issue over here, or solving this one problem over there. All of this – everything that has resulted from Leigh's death – is connected and intertwined and meshed into this "one massive thing." And the "one massive thing" can otherwise be labeled as "my life."
I know I'll need to be a better manager of my time. I know I'll need to say "no" more often. I know I'll need to learn to lean on those close to me (and even on those not so close to me). But much of the "one massive thing" rests on an internal level, specifically two locations – my heart and my head. My heart is wounded and because it's wounded I'm susceptible to every kind of emotion. And these emotions that I feel throughout the day are flat out draining. As I've shared before my mind is now running for 18-20 hours a day at a speed of mach 3. What keeps me going isn't the "down time," because it's during those times when my mind races the most. What keeps me going is when I'm focused on getting tasks accomplished. So the rub of it all is that to clear my head a little I have to keep busy but by keeping busy I'm adding more things to my plate. More things to put on the checklist.
Bizarre.
Not to brag in any way but to have a record for Cade, Bay, Malia – money, gift cards, continue to pour in. Over $8,000 in the Memorial Fund, over $5,000 people have given to me and the kids, over $2,000 in gift cards. People are so generous and helpful. I can only hope my kids will one day know how many people are willing to support them.
One of our friends in on the Gilbert Republican Women's committee and said they want to do a fundraiser for the kids. One of my baseball players said they're going to put "LT Ps23" on the back of their helmets this year – "Leigh Tonkinson, Psalm 23." I am so honored to be called her husband. Only Leigh Ann could pull off this kind of support. People genuinely love her.
"Father, I'm still hurting and still want Leigh Ann here. But in the midst of the pain, thank You."

Day 17

Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Day 17 without Leigh – have a few pictures of Leigh with kids as they took a trip to Sedona a few months ago. A few of the pics are of the four of them in a forest or near a bunch of trees. Striking images. Clear, beautiful. The grass is a rich green, the leaves are multi-colored. She's smiling and they're hiking. And I love these pictures. I immediately see Heaven in these shots.
I showed the boys the pictures as they went to bed tonight and told them that maybe God has given mommy some kids to care for in Heaven. Kids that are waiting for their moms and dads to join them. And maybe God has given Leigh Ann some kids that she can love on (like only she could do) until we get to Heaven. In that moment it seemed to make sense for the three of us. Bailey followed up with, "but we're still mommy's family right? Our family will be together in Heaven right dad?" And I couldn't help but have a moment of joy in telling him, "You bet Bay." For 5 seconds or so I was actually content. A very much needed 5 seconds.
I don't know how God has this all worked out. I don't know what Leigh is experiencing in Heaven other than this truth: she's experiencing joy which means she's happy, which means she's smiling a lot. I don't know what she's smiling about specifically, but I am glad that she's smiling. I know we're not forgotten here on Earth. I know she still has a deep love for me, the kids, her family, and friends. I know that. But I also know that Her Father, who loves her more than all of us combined, has her wrapped up in His love and He knows how to guide her through however long it takes until every last one of us joins her in Heaven. I know she knows that we're in pain and suffering because of her death, but I have to believe that she would want us to live for Christ with the days we have left, because she now knows how wonderful Eternity is, and soon we'll all be there.
I haven't turned any pages and I'm still racked with grief, pain, heartache, sleepless nights, and unanswerable questions. But these pictures that I just happen to come across have brought me some much needed reprieve. If only for a few minutes then so be it. For now I'll gladly take it.

Day 17

Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Day 17 without Leigh – Already logged an entry with this date on it but that one was at 1:30 this morning. Now that the day has come and gone I find myself in bed at 9:40 p.m., kids showered up, teeth brushed, prayers prayed, and hopefully already deep into r.e.m. sleep. A place I hope to be very soon. Bailey has decided to join me in bed tonight. While brushing my teeth I could hear him crying. Not weeping. More of the sniffling kind. He was crying nonetheless. I asked him what he was crying about and he said he misses mom. He saw my laptop booting up and noticed my desktop background – the head shot we used for Leigh's obituary. And while I'm inclined to feel terrible for my child, part of me was glad to see him expressing sadness. I haven't seen much out of Bay in terms of tears, so yes, brutal to think of a 6-yr old not having a mother, but nice to know he's feeling more freedom to cry when he feels like it.
Right before Caden laid down he told me he read a book where a dad lost his wife and he told his children that they weren't going to talk about their mother anymore. Caden was scared that I might act the same way. I felt horrible for him and assured him that we will talk about Leigh Ann all the time in this house. For years and years to come. We'll constantly talk about all her likes and dislikes, what she looked like, who she was, all the things she loved doing with the kids, where she worked, how much fun she loved having. All of it will always be open for discussing. Caden was comforted to know that he can talk about his mother anytime and all the time.
Made it to school today (http://www.vchstrojans.org/) First time back since Leigh died. Initially, very different to be back. Walked in to my room and was hit with a wave of "this is the first time you'll teach without being able to text/call Leigh throughout the day." Certainly made my heart heavy. And I'd like to say after a few minutes things were back to "normal." But they'll never be back to "normal." The new "normal" is me typing in my bed with my son sleeping next to me.
Students were incredibly gracious today as I spent the class time explaining how I was feeling, my ups and downs, how the kids are doing, and what really happened at the scene. Took up the entire period and by the end of 5^th hour I was seriously done with talking! Glad I got through it. Kids were really nice to me.

Day 16

Monday, March 22, 2010
Day 16 – heart is breaking right now. Malia is reading "The ABC" book with Grandma Peggy as I work at the computer. I can hear Leigh giggling with Malia and reading with her, "Big A, little a, what begins with A?..." Now Malia is singing "the alphabet song" – "A,B,C,D,E,F,G…"
Why in the world isn't Leigh Ann her to enjoy watching her daughter grow up? Why isn't she here to say, "Bedtime in 15 minutes!" Why isn't she here to give me a hug or to let me rub her shoulders because she's worked hard all day? Why isn't she here?
She's not here and will never be here on Earth again because she was waiting to come home. She was waiting to do all the things I just listed above. She was simply waiting.
And don't tell me about sovereignty and providence and plans and timing. All I know is that Chris Oberg got in his car and drove fast and reckless not just for a few moments, not just for a split second. He made a series of bad choices, one after the other, over and over again. For miles he drove without care. And then he plowed into the back of my wife's car so hard he broke her neck.
Don't tell me how nice of a kid he was. Don't tell me how we all make mistakes. Please don't ever tell me this is something we'll just have to learn from.
Leigh Ann lost her life all and only because Chris Oberg decided to get in his car and drive without care. Leigh Ann died because Chris Oberg killed her. Leigh Ann died because Chris Oberg became a killer and she was his victim. He may not have known her prior to the accident, but the second his car hit hers, he became a killer. I will forever know him as a killer.
My kids will never know their mother after March 6^th. We had just finished the morning at a local carnival and were enjoying a down day. Just waiting for mom to get home so we could begin enjoying our Spring Break. My kids will never know again what it's like to wait for mom to come home, to hear mom's voice on the phone, to listen to mom cheer them on at games, to watch mom laugh at their silly jokes, to watch a movie with mom, to hear how mom's day was, to watch mom and dad love each other. Never ever again.
It's too overwhelming.
It's not that we can't make it. It's not that we'll never smile again. It's not that the kids won't grow up to be productive citizens for society. It's not that the kids won't be used by God in great ways. It's simply that all of these things will take place without Leigh Ann. And if there was one person who, more than anything in the world, wanted to experience these things with her family, it was Leigh Ann.
And because of that, my heart, if it was in the least bit healed, has been broken once again.

Day 15

Sunday, March 21, 2010
Day 15
Kids slept over Grandma Peggy's/Pop Pop Larry's last night as I was battling a case of stomach crud.  Bailey made it 'til 9:30 p.m. until he drew me a card and then felt like he wanted to deliver it that night.  I was so out of it that I didn't see it until this morning.  My mom (Grandma Judy) came over to spend the night with her sick son - thanks mom. 


Visited Leigh's grave this afternoon.  Might make that a Sunday tradition.  Still surreal that part of our routine as a family will go to the cemetery.


Managed to put a new rim on the basketball hoop (of course with the help of a friend). The old one had been knocked over so many times it had the shape of a carnival hoop. Felt bad for Caden as all the neighborhood kids play on our hoop and I know they were wondering "what is up with your rim Caden?!" Alas, a new rim!


Tonight we're tackling the night with just the four of us.  My dad (Pop Pop Ken), brother Scott and his family stayed through dinner.  Have some laundry in and put the kids down, praying with each, and reminding them that mommy is in Heaven and that she loves them very much.


Feelings today have been pretty low. Those last few words "mommy is in Heaven…" seem easy to say only because I've said them hundreds of times these past two weeks. But the reality of Leigh Ann being in Heaven compared with all who she was here on Earth – well, that's been a point of great struggle for me today. The reality is setting in that every day that God gives me, the kids, Leigh's family, her friends, her co-workers, will be days spent without Leigh Ann. There will never be another day this side of Heaven where we'll hear Leigh's laugh, see her smile, listen to her thoughts, be comforted by her touch, or join her in worshipping God. Never again while I'm here on Earth will I see my wife. I still can't grasp that reality because it's so enormous, so overwhelming. All of the "God has a plan," and, "God knows what He's doing," "keep trusting in God," and, "you God works everything to good" talk is all well and good. But if anyone thinks that writing that on a sympathy card or throwing that in at the end of an email is going to make my heart feel all warm and fuzzy, then they simply don't know the gravity of this kind of loss. Or if they do then they're much further along in their grieving than I am. I know it's true, and one day I'll embrace those truths. But when I look at an empty closet, or turn to see someone I've seen for years in the passenger's seat only to see it empty, or become lost in my thoughts because I'm trying to wonder what Easter, Christmas, birthdays, special occasions will be like for my kids, I'm less inclined to think of "the plan," or, "the good that will come of this," and more likely to think, "what the heck is happening here?"


Today I'm really missing Leigh Ann. I take comfort in knowing I'm not alone. Several of her friends that she talked with multiple times a week are missing her. Her family, who she was extremely close to, is missing her. Her co-workers, who have had the nicest things to say about her, are missing her. Many, many people are missing her. But I look at three kids who called her "mom," and my heart breaks because here are three kids that would have benefited so much from her love, her input, her wisdom, her encouragement. And now, though they have a dad, grandparents, cousins, aunts, uncles, and friends, they'll never have their mom. A mother who loved these kids as much as any mother could. Why does Malia have to grow up without a mother? Why does Bailey have to miss out on all of "mommy's hugs and tickles?" Why does Caden not get to glean from his mother's wisdom? I just don't understand. And God, although at times has made His presence known these past two weeks, seems to be very slow on answering these questions. Not that He owes me anything. Just completely disheartened and confused.


Prayer requests:

• Kids start back to school Tuesday
• I start back to work Tuesday
• Schedule starting to fill up. Wisdom in time management
• Might have a family sit down this week with a counselor. Prayers that kids will be able to share what's on their minds.
• For friends, family, and co-workers that are missing Leigh.

Day 13

Friday, March 19, 2010
Day 13
1:59 a.m. Can't sleep. Wish I could because I know tomorrow will be another long day. Of course I've got two little munchkins in my bed that roll around a lot so that keeps me up as well. They're so precious. Sleeping, prayerfully dreaming good dreams.
Set up some counseling for some time soon. Never know how these things will go but I'm wondering if all the kids are doing ok. Not that they're doing badly right now but I don't want to get blindsided one day.
Might get an alarm system on the house. And will want to put away some money for a car. Things like this where it's a fine line between being wise and feeling secure, and trusting God that things will be alright. Don't know what to do.
Just read more of Leigh's tributes from co-workers. She was truly a special woman. I love her so much and can't believe, as I write this, that she has died. I want her to see her kids. I want her kids to know that Leigh Ann did not want this. That more than anything she wanted to be here for every moment of their lives. I still don't understand the "why" in all of this. We're filling our days with activities but in the end they're all pretty empty because of her not being here. No one for me to share my thoughts with. No one to give me feedback, counsel, encouragement. I need my wife here. I need Leigh Ann.
"Father, in Your wisdom, please make things right. My wife is gone and her kids are now without a mother. My wife is gone and I'm missing her so much. How will life be when it's just me and these three wonderful kids? Why did You decide that Leigh would die after 35 years? What is Your plan because I can't see any good in this. Yes people are drawn closer to You and people may even come to know You. But at the cost of her life? It's just a hard fact and I'm not ready to make that sacrifice. I just don't understand."

Day 11

Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Day 11
I can't describe the pain. Missing her has been harder and harder each day. I don't know how to live life waking up every day knowing I'll never hear Leigh Ann (on Earth) laugh, talk, sneeze, ask brilliant questions, settle me down when I'm upset, argue (well) with me, say the most loving things to our kids. I'll never see her dance, swim, sit somewhere where she was just loving life (over her mom's, by the pool, playing games, at church). I'll never see her out in the audience when I preach. I'll never hear her comments, such great comments. I'll never, never, never, never, etc. The rest of my life will be lived each day with "I'll never." And that reality has broken my heart. Quite torturous when you get up each day and your bleeding, tender, broken heart has to endure another round of abuse. Nothing compared to my Savior's torture, but I'm a wounded man and can't see any way out of it. My wife has been killed at age 35. I'll spend my days without her. I can't believe it.
Caden has been such a joy to be around. So many questions but such a tender heart. I love each of my kids with a love I didn't know I had. Been sleeping in their beds each morning. An absolute blessing. I dread thinking about waking up at 5:30 a.m. to go to work. Don't know if I can take it. I need to be with my kids. To sleep with them, to hold them, to tell them I love them, to kiss them, to laugh with them, to watch them. Caden and I have had some great conversations. I can only hope we continue to be honest with each other. I need to know what he's thinking. And I need him to know what I'm thinking.
Peggy, Reagan, and Robin are here cleaning up and Mom and Dad have the kids at Jump Street. In another hour the house will be filled with 6 adults and 5 kids. Sometime tonight more will come over for dinner. Just another night at my house. Typical ever since March 6^th.
I don't know what Heaven will be like (ages, knowledge, etc.). I can only hope in God's great creativity that I'll be able to remember each and every moment I'm tucking away in my memory so that when I see her again I can go over every one of them with her. Every time my heart is full of joy because of who she was, what she meant to others, when I wanted to tell her I love her so much. I can only hope that God will allow me to do that. What a great day in Heaven that will be.
"Father, I don't know how to do this. I'm trying but I'm hurting. I know You know that. I need Your peace and love. Thank You for the prayers of so many. May they heal me, my families, my kids. Thank You for Heaven where Leigh is and thank You that I will see her again. Please, I beg You, that we would mean more to each other than just a couple of saints. I need to see her again and know she is my wife. May we be able to live in Heaven together, worshipping our King."

Day 8

Sunday, March 14, 2010
Day 8
Worshipped today. Incredibly helpful. First song, "Hosanna," made me go to Heaven and wonder what Leigh's worship has been like lately. Matt led and Amy was helping sing. It sounded beautiful. I caught a glimpse of Heaven. I could picture Leigh singing with such gladness because of her Savior. And that she was rejoicing because I was worshipping as well. We were connected this morning through worship. Colby did a great job of teaching this morning. Spoke out of Zechariah and how many of us are exiled in one form or another. And that being exiled only means that we have hope in the King who came to bring us out of exile. I took great comfort in knowing that because Jesus paid the great penalty for my sins I not only have hope but I can rejoice in being reunited with my bride. One day. One day.
The kids and I went to the cemetery after a trip to McDonalds and Barnes and Noble. No need to cry. Definitely sad. Wish we weren't spending our days without Leigh Ann. But here we are. So we prayed and talked about death and talked about Heaven. We read Psalm 23 and John 3:14-18. What's it like for a 4, 6, and 10 year old to spend their days at a cemetery thinking about their mom? I'll never know. I just know from the perspective of a father and husband. God have mercy on these precious kids.
I saw a dad with his child up the way from Leigh's grave. I wanted to say something but didn't. I should have because after they left I went to the grave they were at. A woman, 29 or so, who died in 2008. My guess is he has been experiencing my pain for a couple years now. I'm so ticked I didn't say anything. I can only hope our paths cross again so I can find out what life is like for him. Maybe share the gospel.
Received a letter from a one of Leigh's co-workers. A Christian who just had the most kind words for Leigh. Absolutely beautiful. And today at church someone remarked that what he noted at the funeral were how many non-Christians were there. How many co-workers, neighbors, friends, who may or may not know Jesus. Inotherwords Leigh was truly "salt" to the earth. She was loved by so many and they all weren't Christians. How truly remarkable of a woman I was privileged to marry, know, love, and be a friend to. I love her more now than ever and I wish I could just die and tell her that over and over again. Someday I will. Be it tomorrow or 50 years from now. I will tell her over and over how much she meant to everyone, how much I love her, and how proud I am of her. May my life come even a little close to being a light to this dark world.
"Father, I'm dying, but thank You for today."

Day 7

March 13, 2010
4:48 p.m.
Day begins and then from 10:00 a.m. on there have been family and friends over. Each one just wanting to "stop by." I'm so wanting to get away by myself and just rest or do work or veg. Caden has been on me to "go, go, go." Wanting to know what we're doing for Spring Break, where we're going, all the details. He asked me why I didn't take him golfing last week when I said I would. First time I've been upset with him. I felt like saying, "Cade I found out my wife had been murdered in a car crash, I've had to plan a funeral, figure out how to do life as a single parent, deal with everyone and their mother, oh and cry like I've never cried before – how 'bout cutting me a break?" But then I think about how a 10 yr old just lost his mother and it all comes back to extending each other some patience and grace.
I think there will be more times to come when I'm going to have to share my feelings and he likewise. We'll grieve differently. He just doesn't know how tired I am. He just doesn't know how much my heart hurts.
But here we are. I need to understand that he's trying too.
My mom, dad, brother, Karen, cousin Laurie, aunt Lynn, cousin Larissa, Ryan, Megan, and others just left. Now it's shower and over to Larry/Peggys to sit around, eat, and pass the time. Julie/Eric, Andra/Jer, Jarrod/Sara are supposed to come as well. Then I'm taking the kids to church. That actually turned into my brother, Karen, their kids, my dad, Gloria, cousin Laurie, aunt Lynn, mom, and her friend Marci also coming.
I'm beginning to reach my break point where I'm going to have to kick people out and just be here. Everyone is so worried for me which I appreciate. Just running low on energy, grace, and kindness.
I miss you so much honey. My heart is constantly hurting. I need you to help me parent these kids. I love them so much but the job is too much for me. And I know family wants to step in, but I really need my wife Leigh Ann. I need us to parent together.

Day 7

March 13, 2010
Can't stop time. One week ago Leigh Ann died. I will have countless dates that will come across my calendar. "one week," "one month," "anniversary," "birthday," "holidays," "one year," "firsts of everything without her." I can't stand it. I can't stand that we will have to walk through each of those days that are yet to come. Can't stand that this is now part of our plot in life. Can't stand that many days will be spent at her grave. Can't stand how tired I am and I've only been up for an hour. Can't stand how many people are "thinking about me," and are letting me know it. Can't stand all of it. Can't stand missing my wife and wanting her back so badly. Can't stand trying to be strong for the kids. Can't stand thinking of all the things these kids will miss without Leigh Ann in their lives. Can't stand to think of how senseless this all was. Can't stand wanting this all to be over, for life to be over, for my pain to stop. I can't stand thinking all the time. I can't stand not being able to dream for my kids because dreams now are filled with "yeah but she'll never see that." There's everything about this that I hate and there's nothing about this that I'm good with. So where is the good? Can't stand how everyone can only write that somehow this is a part of God's plan.
OK. With all that said, we had the funeral yesterday. For as much as I would trade anything in the world to have switched places with Leigh or to have been somewhere else yesterday, there I was, in the front row, casket to my left.
More later…right now I hear Bailey wanting someone to help him with his puzzle…
…a few hours later… Eric, Julie, Jer, Ang stopped by. Great to see them. I feel like this will be a pattern for quite some time. People stopping by just to see how I'm doing.
I'm so sad when I think of things I want to tell you that no one else will get but I can't. So many things I know you'd laugh at with me and I'm broken when I have no one to tell. I'm silent a lot now. Just because I don't have you to tell things to. I loved telling you about my life and I loved knowing that you really did care about me. I want to talk with you so badly.

Day 5

March11, 2010
10:54 p.m.
Day 5 - Leigh Ann's Viewing
Oh my goodness Sug. How loved you are. I love you so much and I'm so glad I could see your body tonight. I miss seeing you. I needed to see you. But now I need so much to see you alive and well. I saw your shell. I saw what housed your soul, your heart, your smile. I need to see you, the real you now. Wow did that wet my appetite to spend forever with you. Laughing, smiling, alive and well, praising, worshipping, running toward our King, fellowshipping, talking. I still can't believe you're in Heaven. I just can't believe it. Leigh Ann Tonkinson is in Heaven.
Needless to say, hundreds of people were at your viewing. I hugged people for over three hours! And that's straight with the exception of a 15 minute break. You'd be proud of me Suggy! But it wasn't that bad because it was genuine. People are so loved by you and wanted to let me know that. Some were saying it took them an hour to get inside the building. Line was a block down the street. Sug, people loved you! I love the fact that I was your husband. I so wish I had more time to tell you how much I love you. You're my Sug. You're my hon. You're my love. I will be lonely beyond words without you.
We're going to have a closed casket tomorrow just because your make-up was starting to come off and I think there were enough people who got to see you tonight. Andra did so well with your hair. I'm so sorry this happened to you. I so wanted to be in there instead of you. But here we are. You're in Heaven and I'm here. I was able to see you, touch your hair, touch your hand, kiss your head. I know it's not you but it's the body I've been used to seeing for 15 years. It's the body that housed the love of my life. It actually was so good to see you. I do want to die and see you in Heaven. I know I have a job to do with our kids but I do want to see my wife again.
Will you please show me what to do if God gives me tomorrow? If God gives me the next 10 years I'll mourn because it's 10 years apart from you. I'll rejoice because I'll see our kids grow up a little. I'm stuck between wanting to see my kids grow up and wanting to see my wife again. A terrible place to be. I'll take Paul's position which is to long to be with you but to do the Lords' work while I'm here.
Tomorrow we'll bury your "old" body. The dreaded funeral. I thought I was doing well up until 5 minutes ago when it set in just a little further how lonely I'll be without you. It's not fair these kids don't have a mother. It's not fair I don't have a wife, the only wife, my wife. It's not normal that we have to do life alone. What about all the times Caden will feel alone? What about all the times Bailey will feel alone? What about all the times Malia will miss her mom? What about the times when I'll miss holding my wife? Where's the "goodness" in life then? Where's the happiness then? How am I to rejoice knowing I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't?
I put on a good face tonight but I don't want to just cry or feel sad or feel lonely or feel pain. I want my wife back. I want Leigh Ann back in my life.
"Father, I know all the right answers but I guess I need to really know them. This pain that is beginning to set in is real. It's intense. It's not fair. It's not right. I can't see the goodness. I know You're near to me but I don't want that. I want Leigh Ann to spend my life with. I wanted us to grow old and see our grandchildren and die a month apart and then do Heaven together. What happened to us growing up and old together? Why would that have been so wrong? What's so terrible about watching my wife love our children? What's so wrong about watching our children really grow up strong because they had a mother who loved on them? I was ok up until the moment I realized Leigh Ann will never come back and unless you take me soon I'll wait a long time to see her. And if you did take me soon how cruel would that be to three children who need a mom and a dad? You've taken mom already. So when's my turn? I don't get it and I'm not a fan right now of saying it's all in Your plan. I know it is but whatever the plan is it didn't include Leigh Ann living past 35. That's brutally cold especially when You give her three children and then take her life? How easy it would have been for You to change one minute of the plan. I didn't know I had to pray for that. I can't see Your goodness. Infact all I see is Your taking Leigh Ann from our family. You have allowed my wife to die and You've allowed my kids to live without a mother. And You've allowed me to not have a wife. And You've allowed Leigh Ann to not be a mother any longer to her children. How incredibly wrong is that? I'm not content. And I know You don't need me to be content but I'm not ok with this."

Day 5

March 11, 2010
1:25 p.m. Today will be the first time I'll see Leigh's "old" body since Friday. Spent time with the kids last night talking to them about how Mommy has left her "old" body and that she's enjoying Heaven in her "new" body. And that tonight all we'll be seeing is a shell that housed Mommy's spirit/heart/soul. They seemed to understand and it actually helped me prepare for tonight. Kenny Vernon just sat in our living room and played a song (I think he wrote it) for me, Mom, Gene, and Mary. Very beautiful song. Things like that. Never happened before and I was good with that. Now it's a daily thing. Scott said I've got meals scheduled for the next month and a half.
I love you so much and I'm not going to enjoy however many days God has for me. But I do want to run the race well. I want to finish well. I want to proclaim Him to others. But it kills me to think I will grow closer to Him at your expense. You know in a heartbeat I'd trade places with you. I don't want you to be the cause of anything. But what's done is done and I can't change it. So I have to move forward each day with the responsibilities God has given me. Raising three children, teaching the Word to HS students, preaching Him to others. And may I do it well. I want you to so be my guide in Heaven. I want to worship with you, talk with you, walk with you, explore with you, enjoy new things with you. Heaven is supposed to be huge so please, please, please, don't do too much exploring before I get there. I'm thinking you know when my last day will be. I'm selfishly hoping you'd be excited for my arrival. I know I've screwed up so many days here on Earth for you. Selfish, greedy, sinful. And I'm so sorry for that. I want to make it up to you. I want to love you the way you deserved to be loved. I know we won't be married but I do think we'll be close. I do think that you'll be someone I will want to talk with and laugh with and enjoy worshipping with. Nobody knows me like you do. And my desire is that nobody will. That I will live out my days as a parent who loves his children and someone who people know that loves his Savior. And I want to promote you to everyone. I want your life to be known to everyone.
"Father help me forgive the man who killed Leigh Ann. Help me not to be angry. Help me to get through tonight and tomorrow."

Day 4

Tough morning once again. My body is so tired, but not half as tired and heavy as my heart. Each hour brings with it new information about the death, new people to talk with, new people to cry with, more explaining of how I feel, more thanking people, more sitting and doing nothing, more of everything. Larry brought over the slideshow Lance made. I can't watch it. Leigh's obituary was in the paper today. It breaks my heart. I held Malia tight today and we just watched t.v. It was only for a few minutes but I felt so good just to have my daughter to hold. It made me miss Leigh so much. Leigh loved being here with the kids. Waking up and starting a new day with them. This was supposed to be my "break" from school where we could all just hang out as a family. Instead we're picking out clothes for my wife who was killed, looking at a car that is unrecognizable, looking at videos, talking about what a great person she was, figuring out schedules and constantly wondering how the kids are doing. I want to tell people that I'm struggling today but then that will just make them sad. I simply want to go back to bed and sleep forever. My kids mean the world to me so I can't do that but I'm so tired.
"Father, today has only begun and I'm very tired. I'm hurting and I need to be covered in Your love. Please assure me Leigh is well and that I can get through today. I am hating all of this. I want Leigh back. I want my wife back. I want my kids' mother back. I don't see the good in this and I'm tired of telling people there's a plan in all of this."

Day 4

March 10, 2010
9:51 a.m.
Leigh,
We've all been together for the past 3 days and yet we're all hanging in there. Little moments here and there but overall it's running ok. I'm so tired of hugging people! I know it helps them as much as it helps me. Dr. Shousha came by. It was so nice because he and his wife were so sincere. Knowing how much support I've gotten I really, really wish this were me that had died. Now I know you would have been taken care of because I'm being taken care of. You would have been so better off. Working a couple days a week, being loved by all these people, raising our children. I just don't understand why this is happening the way it is. Please send me your love. Even though I don't deserve it and I know you're enjoying Heaven, I need to know you still love me. I need to know that Heaven will be a time where we can be together. I've hugged everyone else. I want to hug you again. I want to hug you and never let you go. I want you to show me around Heaven. I want you to be my tour guide. I love you so much. May the Lord take care of our children if I can die and be with you. If I knew they'd have the best care and that they would be ok I'd jump off a cliff just to be with you. The loneliness is setting in and it's not just being lonely, it's missing someone in my life. That someone is you. Leigh Ann Tonkinson, my wife, my love.

Day 3

March 9, 2010
Detective handling the case stopped by with Leigh's purse. I can't look at it, can't open it, can't do anything with it. I couldn't pick out her clothes, I can't do anything associated with her personal stuff. I just can't. I don't want to. Mom, Dad, Peggy, and Larry went to the funeral home today. They said Leigh's body arrived and that her outside looks good. The detective described the case as far as he can tell: Leigh was waiting three or four cars back at Greenfield and Germann. The kid (20 yr old) that killed her had blown through two red lights and was headed south on Greenfield doing between 65 – 70 mph. He came up on Leigh and hit her from behind without even touching his brakes. The officer said his car hit hers and most of the impact was on the passenger side bumper. So it looks like at the very last second he realized he was too close and tried to turn but it was too late. He hit her at such a speed that the back of the Ford is completely smashed in. Her car flipped over the car in front of hers and landed on the roof. His car spun into the oncoming traffic headed north and was t-boned. The detective believes Leigh died immediately with a broken neck. The kid also died at the scene. I picture this all happening within seconds where one minute two people are alive and well and the within seconds two people are dead. The human side of me demands justice, as the detective said by all accounts this never should have happened. This was a kid who was driving a murder weapon and was going to kill the first person he ran into. Leigh Ann just happened to be that person.
Of course I could go down the path of "whys?" Why her car? Why couldn't he have taken another road? Why couldn't she have been somewhere else? Why was he driving so fast and out of control?
But in the end, it simply was her time to leave Earth. God had set up the number of her days to be 35 years of life here on Earth. And I'll say this 'til the day I die – Leigh Ann lived her life so, so very well. I was the one she chose to be a life-mate with and she'll never have another human husband. I made so many wrong choices during our marriage. I honestly was looking forward to the next 10 years together because I truly wanted to make changes. Tell her "I love you" more, do more things together, talk more. I'll never have that chance on Earth, but I so desire to be with her in heaven so that I can be reunited and honor her in a way that I didn't here on Earth. I know heaven is for the worship of Christ and that she's involved with the millions of other saints who are doing just that. I know she will not accept any praise from me as it should all go to our Savior. It's not that I want to praise her but rather just to let her know that I was married to this fantastic woman whom I didn't tell enough that she was so good for me. Leigh Ann was liked by everyone.
So many people are stopping by to grieve with us. She touched the lives of so, so many. I still can't believe that people won't get the opportunity on Earth to meet her. That is truly their loss. But for those of us who knew her, we should count ourselves as blessed. God has been good to us and especially to me. I'll spend the rest of my life trying to figure out why she had to go so soon. But I'll forever be grateful to God for allowing me to be Leigh Ann's husband. She deserved much better and I couldn't have done any better. I love you so much Leigh.
"Father, please, please make Heaven as good as it can be for Leigh Ann. I know You're filling her heart with love so much that she need not miss the things on Earth. I pray that she will enjoy her new friends. I miss her so much and need to know why this happened. Now that she's gone I want to be with her and experience Heaven together. I'll wait until You call me and while I wait may I do Your will. I want to run the race well. I know Leigh wants that for me. So may I have the strength to do that. May I live from this moment on in light of taking up my cross and following You."

Day 3

Monday, March 8, 2010
9:45 p.m.
Just a quick note to say that I believe I "felt" the prayers of the righteous tonight. Thousands have been praying for us, in particular the students at Valley who gathered for a prayer vigil this evening. And I've felt the best I've felt since the news. Still deep, deep in the woods but just a glimmer of feeling better. So many have stopped by and have encouraged me with their words that they and several others are in prayer for me, the kids, and everyone involved.
Leigh Ann was killed by a wreckless driver. The details are still coming in. Either she was at a stop light and got him from behind, or she was being passed and the car that passed her hit an oncoming car which then hit her. Doesn't make one bit of difference. I know with confidence she was just trying to come home. Not doing anything wrong. Today, the anger emotion came on strong. I'm so mad at the kid who took my wife's life. This 20 year-old who took a mother from her three children. I wanted to exact revenge on his family. Carl Block told me that he was the second child to die within a year and a half in that family from a car crash. I'm still angry with him. He's dead and for me that's good only in the sense that I don't have to spend my days trying to chase him down and do unspeakable things to him. But I'm still angry with anyone who knows him. I know I can't be that way but for now this is how I feel.
We chose a grave site today. So, so very beautiful. Way to expensive! Leigh and I will be buried on top of each other and then Larry and Peggy bought the plot next to ours. Larry paid for the entire thing and I wanted to help but he wouldn't let me. It's such a kind gesture on their part. And boy is this place nice. I'm so thankful that I'll be buried where Leigh is buried. I honestly can't wait for that day. I'm no longer afraid of dying. I'm more like Paul in Philippians, who wants to go "home" and be with the Lord (and be with Leigh Ann!).
I was talking with her today and asked that she not forget me and that I want to be with her so bad. I really do. My days on Earth are numbered and while I desire now, more than ever, to run the race well, and proclaim Jesus to those I meet, I can't wait to get home and reunite with Leigh and "do" heaven together. I can't wait for our family to reunite in heaven. The Tonkinsons will have a blast in heaven!
Today I had to pick out pictures for the slide shows and pick some music to go along with them. So very hard to do.
Tomorrow I'll meet with Matt to discuss the service plans. Should be another hard day. I'm tired so hopefully I'll have some uninterrupted sleep.
"Leigh, I miss you and my heart aches for us to be together again. I love you so, so very much sug. I know you're getting used to your new house in heaven but I need you here. Whatever God's plan is, I know it's for the best. I just can't see it right now. Please help me raise our children. I'm counting on us doing this together. I truly love you Leigh Ann."
"Father, I pray to You and You alone. Thanks for allowing me to talk with Leigh. It's very helpful. I worship You and would like to have some answers. Take the hurt and anger from me. Please allow me to reunite with Leigh. Please allow my years on Earth to be lived for You. I want to serve my King and run the race well. Give me the strength to do just that."

Day 2

6:28 a.m. Monday, March 8, 2010
Day 2
More than 24 hours since Leigh Ann has been taken to Heaven. I sit weeping as I write this. Got a good night sleep. The trick has been to take some Advil PM and to block out everything else but thinking about sleep. Incredibly selfish but I have to do it. I know the prayers of the thousands of saints is the real reason I can sleep. I hope to sleep for a long time because I know the second I awake I'm back at the millions of thoughts. Thoughts like this morning, this rainy cold morning…

• I miss you so much honey. My heart aches for you and I hate this. I can't cry for this long.
• I don't know what will happen to our kids. The thousands of unknowns. Child care, finances, their future.
• I hate the fact that you're going to miss their "moments in life." I so wish it was me in the car. They would have done a much better job with you as their parent. Why wasn't it me?
• I hate thinking about how much I'll need to depend on others. You were so good at doing this. You were the one who would call everyone and talk. You were the one who would set things up. And you did it so well. How in the world am I going to do this?
• I hate thinking about this week – wake, funeral, burial. I can't stand being reminded that you're gone.
• I hate thinking I wasn't there when you needed me most. I hate thinking about you being alone that night.
• I hate thinking about the so many times I let you down, made you cry, made you made. How I wish I had more time with you.
• I love you so much Leigh Ann. You are my only love.

I had a bizarre thought yesterday. What if Heaven for Leigh Ann right now is here taking care of a countless number of children who have died? What if she's just loving being with all those kids who lost their lives. What if…

• I hate thinking that if that's true then what about her three children here?

It's raining today. Very appropriate.
"Father, whatever You're doing, just please know I'm not a huge fan right now. I know You're good but I have a lot of anger, questions, and I'm just mad. It wasn't her fault and she needs to be here with us."

Day 0

March 6, 2010
At around 8:30 p.m. tonight my life, my love, my wife, passed away. Sudden car accident, so I'm told. It's 1:13 a.m. now and I'm awake but dead. I can't believe I'm writing these words. Yet all of them are true. Leigh Ann Tonkinson, my absolute love, the best mother to our kids, the best wife I could ever imagine, has left this earth to be in Heaven. Every day, beginning with this one, will be a long day this side of heaven. I have our three wonderful children to keep me company until Jesus calls me to Heaven. Selfishly I pray it would be tomorrow. But our kids need parents.
Really not sure how this will be for each of them. They sleep tonight.
Still cannot believe this is real. My wife has died. Three children lost their mother four hours ago.
The questions are endless. The pain is overwhelming. The hurt is all-consuming. I don't know what to do. How I sincerely wish it were me. Leigh would have done so much better at giving our kids a fighting chance. Now they're stuck with me. They need my prayers more than anyone. I don't know what it's like to live without a mother. Three kids will have to discover that. They will have to attend their mother's funeral. I wish that upon no one.
A thought to Leigh Ann – I know you're enjoying Heaven and all that it has for you. I know you're not wanting us to suffer. But if you can get inside my heart right now you'll see how much I love you. I miss you so much honey. I miss everything about you. I am so sorry for the times I made you sad, the times you didn't like "us." I hate myself for that. I love you. I love you. I love your smile. I love your way with our children. I love your sincerity. I love your child-like faith. I love your love for kids. I love your intelligence. I love how you were so excited for my life. I love you. And right now I miss you. My heart hurts and I want you back. I want you back from heaven so we can live out our years together. Just you and me. Please enjoy your new home. And I cannot wait to have you give me a tour! I cannot wait to enjoy heaven with you. I know you're here and I know you'll be here with the kids. Please parent them with me. I need you. We need you. You're the love of my life. Enjoy heaven and I will so see you soon. –Me


"Father, make sense out of all this for us. For the kids. For me. Make us believe that this is for a purpose. Right now the pain is unbearable. Please keep me and the kids close to You. Please show us Jesus, the cross, Your grace. I can't see it right now."