Day 238

Sunday, October 31st, 2010

Day 238 - Trick or Treat

The kids got all dressed up for a night of trick-or-treating with their cousins...

Snow White, Hippie Ken, Jack Sparrow!

All dressed up!

Excited to get some candy!

His best pirate look!

Hippie Ken looking for Barbie!



I felt bad for the kids having to spend the night without Leigh Ann.  In years past our home would be filled with excitement as she loved getting the kids dressed up, walking with them door to door, and watching them dump their candy out all over the living room floor.  I did my best but it wasn't the same, and part of me thinks the kids felt it.  There's something about a mother gushing over her kids (especially her daughter) that was absent tonight.  It's been absent for 8 months.  I get caught up in my own grief that I sometimes forget what the kids have lost.  They've been without a mother's touch, a mother's hug, a mother's smile, a mother's comfort, a mother's love for 238 days with a lifetime to go. 

And so we'll start another month with Caden's birthday and Thanksgiving just around the corner.  Pressing on...

"Father, can You give the kids the peace they need?  Can You take care of them in ways none of us can?  Please show them Your love in ways that will make sense of all of this.  Draw them to Yourself."












Day 230

Saturday, October 23rd, 2010

Day 230 - Malia turned five last Wednesday (10/20) and we celebrated with her today.  The first of many birthdays without Leigh.  Some pictures of our day...

Malia had a "Toy Story" theme for her party!

Grandpa Larry and Grandma Peggy!

 

Dumped a bunch of candy in Malia's room, packed it full of balloons, and then had a free for all!

Life is better with a 51" Toy Story ball!

Musical Chairs for the kiddos!

Musical Chairs for the adults!

Buzz and Barbie enjoying the fun!

People were too kind with all the presents!

Malia giving Barbie a ride on her new Barbie bike!

Having fun rolling down the hill!



I stayed busy throughout the party but now that things have died down I have time to look back and imagine Leigh with us today.   I can see her and her sister laughing at all the silly costumes.  I can see her fighting hard to win musical chairs!  I can see her helping Malia open all her gifts.  I can see her being so happy knowing some wonderful memories were being made.  Mostly, I can see her soaking up another time to be with with family and friends. 

It's been 230 days but it's not hard to imagine what today could have looked like.  Infact it's still so very easy.  We've done 10 birthdays for Caden together, 6 for Bailey, and 4 for Malia.  And Leigh acted the same for all of them - full of joy.  I'm confident Malia had a great time today but I hope she'll never forget the birthdays she had with her mom, albeit far too few.  I hope God allows her to keep a memory or two of her mom wishing her a Happy Birthday.  I hope God allows all of us to remember.

Prayer Requests:

- It took a small army to pull of today.  I praise God for the help.  Thank you to everyone who helped make today what it was.

- I'm preaching tomorrow.  Would appreciate any last minute prayers as my mind is not quite there right now.

"Father, thank You for a good day.  I don't know how many birthdays we have left without Leigh.  Maybe quite a few.  If that's the case then may we continue to depend on You for the strength to make them special.  I missed Leigh Ann today Father and it's just not the same without her.  May all of this make sense one day."

Day 221

Thursday, October 14th, 2010

Day 221 - Was able to escape the heat over the weekend and enjoy some time in Christopher Creek (East of Payson) with the kids and some friends...

Caden tried his hand at archery

Then I took a turn!

Not too often we get to wear sweatshirts in AZ!

Caden would live in the woods if he could!

Caden and I returning from a hike.  Some great father/son time!

Malia having some hot chocolate, popcorn, and goldfish!

Bailey lost another tooth!  Pretty soon and it'll be all gums!

We had a "dance off" Sunday morning!

The Tonkinsons!

Good times with good friends!

Prayer Requests:

- Praise that mom is continuing to heal/recover!

- Prayers for kids as they spend time with grandparents at Grand Canyon

- Busy weeks ahead with birthdays/holidays.  Prayers that we will remember Leigh and have a good time at each event.

"Father, thank You for Your creation.  How wonderful it is.  Thank You for friends and family.  What would life be without them?  I pray that the kids and I would continue to grow closer to each other while we continue living life without Leigh Ann.  Thank You for the love You show us every day.  We are in absolute dependency upon it."

Day 220

Wednesday, October 13th, 2010

Day 220 - My mom had her surgery this afternoon and all has seemed to have gone well.  Praise God!  The surgeon removed a 3 cm malignant tumor along the "great curve" of her stomach.  He performed a "wedge surgery" which took out very little of her stomach.  The laparoscopic surgery lasted a little over an hour and now she will be in recovery for 2-3 days.  The pathology reports should be back Friday to confirm exactly what was removed (apparently it's very important that no cancer cells are found in the "margins"). 

Thank you so very much to all who prayed for Judy these past few days.  We're confident God heard your prayers!  Mom is very relieved to have this behind her and is looking forward to getting back on her feet. 

"Father, thank You for what seems to be a successful surgery.  I give You praise for your mercy.  Thank You for my mother and all she means to me and the kids.  I pray You'd give her many more years."

Day 219

Tuesday, October 12th, 2010

Day 219 - My mom (Judy) had been experiencing discomfort of various sorts for a few weeks.  She went to her doctor and after a few tests were performed she was admitted last Thursday in to a local hospital.  A tumor was found in her stomach and last night she was informed the tumor is most likely malignant.  The "gist" is 2-3 cm big and the surgeon feels confident that all the cancer cells are still in the gist.  A surgery will most likely be scheduled for tomorrow.  They will remove the gist as well as a large margin around it.  The concern at this point is the exact location of the tumor.  Depending on where it is will determine how extensive the surgery is and how much of her stomach they will have to remove.  

Your prayers will be of great aide.

Mom with her trusty friend "Courage"

Day 215

Friday, October 8th, 2010

Day 215 - Gravestone

Leigh Ann's gravestone arrived and was placed yesterday.  Some pictures...

Prayer Requests:

- My mother, Judy, had to go to the hospital yesterday because her doctor found a mass (size of a thumb) in the bottom of her stomach.  Please pray as they run tests to determine what it is.

"Father, thank You for Leigh Ann's life.  There's nothing I want more than to have her back with us, but Your will be done.  Thank You that we can celebrate her life because it was so well lived.  Please tell her how much we love her, miss her, and can't wait to see her again."

Day 213

Wednesday, October 6th, 2010

Day 213 - Seven Months

Dear Leigh Ann,

Another letter I'll write to you knowing I'll receive nothing in return.  But it is a way of remembering that there was a time when we could write to each other, share stories with each other, tell each other what we're thinking, feeling, wondering.  

I want nothing more than to see you again.  Whether that's tomorrow, next year, or 50 years from now, that day when our eyes meet for the first time, well Sug, I plan on that day lasting for a long, long time!  If my "job" during my first few years in Heaven is to simply follow you around then God and I are definitely on the same page. 

I can't begin to comprehend what seven months in Heaven is like.  All we talk about on Earth is what a "glorious day" it will be when we see Jesus face to face.  But you've had 213 "glorious days." You're far removed from your very first day in Heaven and I wonder if your 213th day feels like your first the way my 213th day without you feels like my first.  I wonder if the amount of grief I've felt is comparable to the amount of joy you've felt.  Just wish I knew what you've been up to.

People continue to ask how I'm doing.  They're still concerned for me and the kids.  I tell them we're past the point of getting up each day and expecting you to be here with us.  I tell them it's a completely new life, a life that none of us wanted.  I'd change it back to the way it was in a heartbeat but the reality of our days now are days spent without you.  God's not giving you back so we're trying to live life without the one who meant the most to us.  And it's so very hard.

Let me catch you up on the kids...

Malia is growing up so fast!  She wants a Toy Story party for her birthday so I'm having all the adults and kids dress up in their favorite character.  She wants to be either Bo Peep or Barbie!  Should be plenty of photo opps!  She's looking more and more like her mother.  Just wish you could see her.

Bailey is doing so well in school.  Math seems to be his subject.  You'd have such a blast doing Math homework with him.  His cast comes off in two weeks! 

Caden wants to play tackle football!  He's 50 lbs soaking wet and he wants to put on pads and go get tackled.  Might not be too long before we have some more broken bones!  

Malia's bday will be our first birthday without you Sug.  I know you'd be right here with us if you could so we'll do the best we can to put on happy faces.  I hate planning these without you not because it's overwhelming but because this was something we'd do together.  Birthdays, Trick or Treating, Thanksgiving, Christmas.  We'd do all those things together.  

The next three months will be the hardest of my life.  I'd ask God to loan you to us but one look at you and I'd never let you go.  I'd hold onto you forever.  And though I miss you more than you know I truly hope you're not doing the same in Heaven.  Rather I hope you'll spend the next three months growing closer and closer to our Savior.  We'll make it through somehow. 

People continue to honor you and the life you lived.  Three couples have used your name in some way as a part of their newborn's name.  Three babies with names that will remind us all of you!  I'm floored each time I hear that you will be a part of that child's story whenever they're asked how they got their name.  I know you'd be embarrassed but that's because you are who you are:  Humble, genuine, sincere, honest, unpretentious.

Your gravestone came in over the weekend.  Should be placed tomorrow or Friday.  I got a sneak peek last Sunday and it looks really good Sug.  After Caden saw your face on the stone he said, "Dad, I know Mom got a new body in Heaven but I'm not sure what improvements God could have made!"  Very true Caden, very true. 

Not a day goes by that I don't think about you a thousand times Leigh Ann.  I miss "us."

I love you,

Me

Day 211

Monday, October 4th, 2010

Day 211 - Just a quick post of Bailey's adventure in getting the pins out of his elbow...

Bay didn't want to look when the tech unwrapped his cast, so he asked if he could be blindfolded!  I told him they don't blindfold people for this but then the tech rips off a piece of bandage and makes Bay a blindfold!  Quite the site!

Bay took a quick peek before the doctor pulled the pins out

(the pins are the silver looking things on his elbow that are bent in an L-shape)

Just before the doctor pulled the pins Bay laid back on the table and didn't say a word.  The doctor was actually laughing as he had never taken pins out of a child who was voluntarily blindfolded!  Bay did offer a few "Ow! that hurts!" but overall he was a trooper, so much so that after the pins were out he proclaimed, "Daddy, I'm so proud of myself!"  I'm proud of you too Bay!

Thank you for all your prayers.  It's days like today when needing Leigh's help, comfort, wisdom, and companionship is ever heightened.  Just another reminder that even "small" events like getting pins out will have to be done without my wife.  Still getting used to this new life.

"Father, thank You for taking care of Bailey today.  Pretty insignificant in the grand scheme of things but we needed things to to smoothly and they did.  Thank You."

Day 209

Saturday, October 2nd, 2010

Day 209 - Busy week so I'll leave a few bullet points...

- Preached last Sunday and spoke at our high school chapel last Wednesday.  Both messages seemed to be received with open ears/hearts.  Never thought I'd be speaking to 350 high school students once a month but here we are, and because many of them were with me back in March we're able to discuss issues on a very personal level.  I challenged them to examine their lives, acknowledge any recurring sin, and repent asking God to forgive them, heal them, and empower them.  What a sight when several of our students didn't leave the bleachers after they were dismissed, choosing instead to just sit (some crying) and contemplate what was said.  Certainly a God-moment I was honored to be a part of.

- Bailey gets his first cast off on Monday.  He'll also have the two pins in his elbow removed.  He'll then be put in another cast for two more weeks.  The itching is intense, the stuffing is falling out of the cast, the smell is what you'd expect from an active six-year old. 

- Was up in the attic this afternoon getting out the Fall decorations.  Tough few hours.  Leigh delighted in breaking out those decorations and setting everything up.  I contemplated not having decorations this year but we need as much holiday spirit in our house as possible. 

- Malia turns 5 in a couple of weeks.  Starting to plan her party.  She'll be the first (out of the four of us) to celebrate a birthday without Leigh Ann.  Lots of emotions in planning and carrying out what should normally be an exciting day.

Prayer Requests:
- The doctor told me he doesn't use any anesthesia when taking out pins.  Prayers for a smooth and relatively painless time for Bay on Monday.

- In addition to leading a weekly Bible study, I  have several speaking engagements (5 and counting) of various sorts in Oct/Nov.  Would appreciate prayers for wisdom in planning.

- Prayers as we spend the next two months celebrating many events without Leigh:  Malia's Bday (10/20), Going out and Getting Candy While Dressed in Costumes (10/31), My Bday (11/13), Caden's Bday (11/21), and Thanksgiving (11/25).

"Father, I thank You for the opportunities to make You known.  Thank You that life doesn't have to be spent trying to undo the past but rather I can continue to focus on the present and especially the future where I'll see Leigh again.  Help the kids try to live life without a mother.  I love You."