Day 54

Thursday, April 29, 2010
Day 54 – Malia made an elephant mask at school…
Had to laugh because it looks so ridiculously funny. Driving to work this morning, slightly overwhelmed by the elephant mask because it dawned on me (again) that from now on the only laugh my daughter will hear is mine. Of course there has been the support of so many family and friends the past two months. But regarding her "parents," I'm it. Thoughts, comments, laughs, smiles, discipline, disagreements, advice, someone to be there. So on the way to work it was emotionally and mentally draining. The reality of being alone has been slowly creeping its way into each day of my week. No big jolt, just a slow realization that everything I do, every second I live, will have to be done without the one with whom I started this journey with 13 years ago. I heard a commercial on the radio regarding tips on making meals. Two months ago I would have turned the dial. Now I'm listening with great interest. Met with my financial advisor yesterday. Two months ago the conversation would have been so brief ("you don't have any money…is there anything else I can help you with?") Leigh and I would have laughed about it. Now I'm meticulously planning out each year from now until retirement. Life has changed and this week I wasn't up for much change so I fought Leigh's death which only amounts to crying. No amount of fighting, running, crying, will bring her back. Every day there are a handful of times when that enormous fact descends upon my heart. Sucks the joy, happiness right out of me. I continue to be reminded of how many things Leigh still needs to be a part of and how different those things seem to be without her. Maybe not different to the naked eye but it's night and day to many of us.
If someone were to tell me that I could go away for a weekend, face Leigh's death head on, deal with it entirely, and then wake up on Monday ready to live this new life as a single parent, I would be there in a heartbeat. The difficulty in this new life isn't so much the logistics of single parenting (though they are difficult), rather it's the feelings, the questions, the thoughts, the tears, when I think about Leigh Ann. It's what is taking place in my heart and my mind. It's all the thinking and the feeling. And as far as I can see these feelings and thoughts will always be with me. Maybe not as intense as they are now but they're here to stay. Like having a bout with walking pneumonia and knowing it will never go away. People see you out and about, or working, or at the store, or playing with your kids, but on the inside you're sicker than a dog and you just want to go to sleep.
A friend, who lost his wife a few months ago, ends his emails with "peace in the midst of our worlds turning upside down." Maybe that's what I need to pray for. Not that my world would turn right side up, rather that I'd have His peace in this new "upside down" world.
Just to be honest, it's not that the entire week has been filled with hurt and pain. Infact, even writing this entry tonight I feel a bit like David in many of his Psalms. In one verse I can talk about my pain and in the very next verse I can praise God for His blessings.
To that end, I'm seriously thankful to God who has provided me with several opportunities this week to pray, listen to His Word, and worship. Church, care group, chapel, all great times of drawing close to Him. I've heard from some of you this week and your emails/phone calls have ministered to me. Blessings this week have included: Malia in her elephant mask, Bailey sleeping with me, Bailey hugging me and saying "I wuv you Daddy," Caden getting a bloody nose at hoop practice, wiping the blood on his forearm and getting right back out on the court – way to go Cade!, meeting with my financial advisor and gaining some financial perspective on the next 25 years, all the kids being healthy, a good week at work.
Scattered thoughts tonight. Sorry about that, but it's right in line with my mindset.
Prayer Requests:

• That the many things on my plate that need to get done will get done
• Wisdom in making summer plans
• Prayer that the kids will not feel out of place because they don't have a mother
• Prayers that the kids will continue to enjoy going to Leigh's grave

"Father, I'm broken, I'm tired, I'm full of Your blessings, I'm in awe of Your sacrifice for me. I'm both hurting and hopeful tonight. I wish I was just hopeful but that isn't my life right now. I pray for Your presence to invade me with comfort and peace. Thank You for the gift of my three children. How precious they are to me."

Day 50

Sunday, April 25, 2010
Day 50 – A weekend of reality. Spent the Friday, Saturday, Sunday at the house with just me and the kids. With the exception of our scheduled outings – basketball games, dinner with friends, church, visiting Leigh's grave – it was time spent at the house. It's Sunday night and the kids are all safely in bed so I'll consider it a success. Saturday morning was by far the most difficult segment of the weekend. Throughout the week I usually begin the day by working. Saturdays are different. Saturdays mark the day Leigh Ann died. As well, it's the first day of the week where we take things a little slower. Yesterday we didn't have anywhere to go until 10:30 so we all did the "waking up" thing together. It's during these times when I notice Leigh's absence the most. A slow Saturday morning, watching cartoons, eating cereal, drinking coffee. Caden had a school fair to attend so he was excited. And I would have been too had it not been for two things: 1) I wanted Leigh to be here with me watching the kids wake up, and, 2) It was a school fair that I took the kids to on the morning Leigh died. Needless to say, as the kids were waking up I was in a battle of trying to enjoy the day the Lord had made versus dwelling on how similar our morning looked 50 days ago.
Once we arrived at the fair God seemed to step in and provide an enjoyable few hours. Just me and the kids running from bouncie to book fair to vendors peddling their wares. Spent way too much on way too little but we really did have a good time.
Our day continued with the boys playing basketball. They both did outstanding and won their respective games. The highlight had to have been at Bailey's game when Bailey got a rare defensive rebound to which the Tonkinson/Marten/Hudson gang cheered loudly. We then watched as Bay proceeded to put the ball right back up in the basket. The problem was it was other team's basket! Truly classic! Thanks for the great memory Bay!
Church was good and was needed this morning as the night before was spent pondering eternal questions. Went to dinner with some friends and explained some of the thoughts I've had as of late.

• The Bible is clear we neither marry nor are married in Heaven. So when people tell me I'll be reunited with Leigh one day that is true. But we won't be husband/wife. We won't be Mr. and Mrs. Tonkinson. I know we'll know each other in a significant way. I know we'll know we were married on Earth. But I also know we won't pick up where we left off, as a married couple. We'll be the bride and Christ will be our bridegroom. I explained to my friends that while I'm so excited to see Leigh again, and I know our reunion will be so very good, I'm sad that we won't be married. I want to know Leigh Ann as my wife and I want to pick up where we left off. I want to hug her and smother her with kisses. For as much as I'd love that, I'm pretty confident that won't happen. There will be a great reunion but I don't think there will be much happening physically. Nothing in the Bible seems to suggest there will be. And if that's true, then the last time I will have kissed Leigh Ann would have been 51 days ago. Made me sad to think that this may be the case.
• On the other hand, I told my friends, I was driving somewhere on Saturday and this thought hit me. Suppose the millennial reign of Christ is literal. Suppose after the rapture and the seven year tribulation Jesus will return and reign for a literal 1,000 years on Earth. And suppose He will reign and allow some of His saints to reign with Him. Be it right or wrong, I happen to believe in all of the above. And so while driving to one of the boys basketball games the thought occurred to me that Leigh Ann and I could possibly spend 1,000 years together in a "cleaned up" version of Earth, co-reigning with our King. We were together for 13 years and I am so thankful for those 13 years. But what would spending time with someone you truly love be like for 1,000 years?! Waking up every day and getting to spend time with my Earthly spouse for 1,000 years? I drove to the game with an incredible amount of joy in my heart. I've always viewed Heaven as this place that doesn't have time. And maybe it doesn't. But there is a season of time we find in Revelation 20, and that is the 1,000 year reign of Jesus. I got very excited to think it Leigh and I might be able to see each other every day for 1,000 years. How cool would that be?! Of course this is a pre-tribulation, pre-millennial position. If you're an amillennialist, please don't rain on my parade! Let me dream for a while!

To sum up, I'm slowly realizing that my marriage to Leigh Ann was to have lasted 13 years. That's it. I no longer have a wife, nor she a husband. If it were so she'd still be here waking up and eating cereal with me and the kids. Neither of us wanted our marriage to end after a brief 13 years. But here we are. We're both alive, she more so than me, but not married. Death has separated us for a season and we shall see each other once again. I will know her as my Earthly wife, and she will know me as her Earthly husband. Our time in Heaven will be very sweet but different than on Earth. Our focus will be on our Lord and we'll enjoy each moment worshipping Him along with billions of other saints.
I miss being married. But it's only because I had one of the best wives this world had to offer. I miss Leigh Ann.
Our wedding bands. I was able to recover Leigh's from the accident. I'm very thankful for that.

Day 47

Thursday, April 22, 2010
Day 47 – The year 2080. I saw this date on a t.v. commercial and immediately felt a sense of joy. I didn't plan to see it nor did I plan for that emotion. It just happened. Joy because I knew I'd be long gone by 2080. Earth will no longer be my home. Far as I can guess, my last years (should I live the average lifespan) puts me at 2045.
And for as morose as that sounds the joy I was feeling was because of the truth that I'm barely clinging to every day – that my time on Earth is brief. And moreso, my time in Heaven is forever! And guess who is in Heaven?! Guess who I get to laugh with, talk with, enjoy life with? Leigh Ann Tonkinson! Leigh Ann, who is already in Eternity, who already knows the beauty, the joy, the purity, the wonder, can't not be where I will be in a short four decades. The double negative is for emphasis that whatever else life has to offer me by way of trial, pain, suffering, hardship, should I lose a limb, my house, my job – all of this I can endure in light of "My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow Me; and I give eternal life to them, and they shall never perish; and no one shall snatch them out of My hand." (John 10:27)
In that brief moment a few nights ago while watching t.v. life became somewhat doable.
I'd stop there with, but that would be too easy for you to possibly conclude that my world is better now. That all is good, and we can all move on. I'm afraid that will never be so. Life will never be "good" in the sense that I used to know "good." Good used to mean purely good, with no strings attached. Watching the kids swim was good, vacations were good, date nights were good, funny stories were good, cuddling was good, kissing was good, loving was good. Life will never be purely good again because every good moment now is overshadowed by the dark shadow of death. I will always wish Leigh were here to experience the good moments with me and I'll always be sad that she's not. Every good moment now has a "Leigh Ann factor" built in. How could it not?
I asked a dear friend, who is glorifying God through being an expert surgeon, to interpret Leigh's autopsy report. He graciously sent me a lengthy, detailed interpretation. I was numb after reading the email. My friend hated writing it and I hated reading it. Leigh didn't die a peaceful, fall asleep and never wake up death. As this experienced trauma surgeon put it, "She suffered a devastating injury," "…completely incompatible with survival." She was hit by another car so hard that she died instantly and her car flipped on to its top. It wasn't neat and comfortable and pretty. It was horrific, and ugly. I replay the accident in my head several times a day. My dislike for the other driver has not lessened. I have immense anger toward someone who drives so recklessly especially since it has been concluded that he was not impaired with drugs or alcohol.
Had two dreams this week involving Leigh Ann. Something new for me. I was hoping this would happen. Now that it has, I'm not sure I knew what I was wishing for. Details are foggy, but what I do remember is she was as beautiful as the day she left for work the morning she died (short hair, smiling, talking). One of the dreams lasted for quite some time and I remember being so excited that she was still alive and that we had to hurry and tell others the good news. It was an awesome few hours of sleep. My entire being was overwhelmed with happiness. Even writing this my heart feels happy. We walked together, smiled at each other, hugged. I kept grinning and saying, "I can't wait to tell everyone that you're alive!" And then I woke up. I can't really describe the let down. Like a boulder had been dropped on my chest. Like the world had turned from color to gray, again. I was so disappointed. Ruined my morning. I had won the lottery only to discover the whole thing was a sham. So, do I want the joy of seeing her again in my dreams if I know that it isn't reality? Should I sacrifice a few hours of elation knowing I'll eventually have to wake up and live the rest of my life without her? Nothing will ever be purely good any more.
Reading another book on grief (quotes a few days ago were from Nicholas Wolterstorff, Lament for a Son. Below are from Jennifer Silvera, Believe). A few quotes that explain me right now:
    "Darkness doesn't announce when it will knock on the door. It doesn't ask permission to enter."
    "I continued to feel removed from life. Time did not heal the discord in my soul. Life as I had known it had ended, and now I waited for it to actually be over… Life had nothing to offer me, and I had nothing to give back to life."
    "I feel like I am suspended between heaven and earth – not dead, but not quite alive."
I know these are hard statements not offering much by way of "oh he'll get through this," "He's doing fine," "I'm glad to hear that things are good with him."
I wish life was back to boring, normal, mundane. I haven't been bored since March 6^th. My mind hasn't shut off for 47 days. And I don't suppose it will for a long time. God is telling me each day that He's hear and He's walking with me and that He's in this with me. And most importantly He's telling me that Leigh is in Heaven and I'll have forever with her one day, but that there are still reasons I'm here on Earth and that I need to keep living to discover them. So I will do that. For as much as I'd love for it to be 2045, I would miss whatever God has for me, even if it's just the experience of seeing Him lived out in the lives of three beautiful children.
Speaking of children – Malia learned how to snap her fingers. This alone is fun to watch but when she snaps and adds some shoulder dips and head bobs, it becomes something you have to stop and simply enjoy. I love her so much.
Random thoughts tonight. Thanks for listening.
Prayer Requests:

• That God would give me a little indication as to why all of this is happening
• Prayers for a little girl, Kate McRae, who is courageously battling brain cancer. She and her family need your prayers more than I do.

"Father, thank You for some sleep these past few nights. And thank You for the many that continue to pray for us. Thank You that Leigh Ann is wrapped in Your love. I'm hurting and I still can't believe this is now my life. I want to turn it off. Please let me find some joy in tomorrow."

Day 45

Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Day 45 – Please know I long to write about a few "good" days in succession. Two days where I report nothing but good things. If today was any indication, you may be waiting a long time.
Some quotes from an author I've been reading. He lost his son at age 25 (I've changed the pronouns)…
    "Something is over. In the deepest levels of my existence something is finished, done. My life is divided into before and after."
    "All I can do is remember her. I can't experience her. She's only a memory now, not in my life. Nothing new can happen between us. Everything is sealed tight, shut in the past."
    "I've become an alien in the world, shyly touching it as it it's not mine. I don't belong any more. When someone loved leaves home, home becomes a mere house."
If I had read these two months ago I would have felt for this author. Now it's as if I wrote these words myself. He has tapped into my heart because this is exactly how I feel.
Tears have fallen freely these past few days. Today at counseling I watched Bailey play with his airplanes while waiting for Caden. Today was "wild hair" day at Bay's school. He had a faux-hawk which made him look older. Leigh Ann will never see him grow older. More tears.
The hardest thing I've ever done.


I miss the woman in the picture.


Prayer Requests –

• Is it too greedy to ask Jesus to come back tomorrow?
• Strength to get through the week.
• Wisdom in parenting Malia, Bailey, and Caden. They need their mother and I'm a struggling father on my best days. They've been extremely shortchanged.
• For summer activities. Schedule is filling up. Wisdom in not over-scheduling.

"Father, I know You can handle my pain. I know You've been there. I hope things turn around because these kind of days are hard. Very hard. Please take care of the kids. They need You."

Day 44

Monday, April 19, 2010
Day 44 – Campfire Feast for Two. That turned my day from being so-so to crying on the way home from work. Leigh Ann and I would often enjoy dropping the kids off at Grandmas while we ran out to a Black Angus and got the Campfire Feast for Two. Infact the day before she died, we had an unexpected date night and ended up beginning the evening at Black Angus. She worked there in college and we've always enjoyed the food. Driving home from work totally oblivious to most things, I'm at a stop light and I just happened to be staring at the same Black Angus we visited on our date night. Wham. Instant sadness. I just stared at that building thinking "we'll never eat there together again."
This hasn't happened too often but after the light turned green and I continued toward my destination I had a "chat" with God. Anger would be a good word to describe my tone. Mondays are usually tough days and after getting through a day of teaching I wasn't in the mood to get hit with another wave of grief. Just thought I'd let God know I'm not a fan of Him allowing Leigh to die when she had so much more life to live. And I'm not a fan of this new life of a single parent. It's been 6 weeks and I'm more than ready for Leigh to come back so we can continue where we left off in March. Biblically speaking I know God heard my cries but the van was quiet nonetheless.
Some built up emotions boiling over from yesterday I suppose. We forewent church to have a family breakfast at Denny's. The kids were excited but our time at Denny's could've been better. New server, busy restaurant, food took forever to come out. Kids had colored every inch of their menus and restlessness had set in. While I enjoyed time with just the four of us, I was reminded how much I miss having Leigh Ann in my life. Yes, emotionally and physically, but also in regular moments like family breakfast at Denny's. Helping managing the kids, and having some adult conversation amidst the pancakes. That would've been nice. And while I could have called up any number of family or friends to join us it's just not the same as doing Denny's with your kids and wife.
So, again it's up and down. Up and down. The "new" routine.
Some "ups" - Some down time on Saturday morning followed by Caden and Bailey's basketball games. Bay made his first basket! With a dozen or so family members coming to all his games you can imagine what the gym sounded like when his shot went in! How can you not enjoy watching 6 and 7 year olds run up and down the court playing with a mini-basketball on a short rim?! Caden also plays in the same league and is on the same team as his cousins Drew and Ryan. So I know on Saturday afternoons I'll see a bunch of Tonkinsons, Martens, and Hudsons, and that's always a good thing.
Sunday after Denny's we went to Leigh's grave. As we sat next to the grave I asked each of the children what was one of their favorite moments with Mommy. Malia blurted out, "I loved when Mommy tickled me right before bed time!" The reason this is an "up" is because Malia has been resistant to talking about Leigh Ann. It made me very happy to hear her speak up and of course it made me sad to know any more of those tickles will have to wait 'til Heaven.
Got to get out yesterday and play some golf with six buddies. So good to hang out with the boys and it didn't hurt either that I played half way decent. Certainly an "up."
Prayer Requests –

• Energy. Already in need of a nap and it's only Monday.
• Prayers for Peggy and Judy (Grandmas) as they have been watching the kids almost every weekday since the accident.
• For Leigh's Memorial Event on May 8^th. Many people have been working hard to pull this off.

"Father, I'm terribly saddened by Leigh's death. I don't understand at all the timing. Such a great loss for so many of us. Please continue to help us understand more of Your plan. Right now it's very unclear."

Day 39

Wednesday, April 14, 2010
39 Days without Leigh – Feet. For some reason last night I was missing Leigh Ann's feet. The reason – many nights we would say "good night," have a good night kiss, and then we would criss cross our feet for a few minutes (until it got annoying and you just wanted to get some sleep!). When I got into bed last night I instinctively put my feet toward her side of the bed. No feet to criss cross with. So, like most nights there was a feeling of loneliness as I drifted to sleep. God walks with us in our pain and at times He provides comfort when we least expect it. At 3 a.m. I heard Bailey yell, "Dad!" "What?" "Can I come sleep with you?" Normally I would have said "no," because sleeping with Bailey can be an adventure (apologies to his future wife). But I said, "Come on in," and so he did. The first thing I did? Criss crossed our feet! He must've thought it was a bit weird! But for me it felt good. Felt somewhat normal. It didn't last for long as we both had heavy eyes, but it lasted long enough. Thanks God.
Today was up and down, up and down, and currently has been down for a few hours. Got Leigh's autopsy report in the mail. Read it. Words can't describe how terrible it is to read your spouse's autopsy report. Feel like I'm back at square one regarding grieving. Exhausting.
Ups and downs. Ups and downs.
"Father, thank You for providing some comfort last night in the form of a 6 yr old. Thank You for caring about my pain. Thank You for hope."

Day 36

Sunday, April 11, 2010
36 Days without Leigh – Hit again with the penetrating "bizarre" bullet this morning. A picture of Leigh is on my desktop background and while sitting down before church to get some work done for school I see her face. Immediately I'm swept up in a slew of questions/thoughts – "what are you doing today honey?" "what is Heaven like?" "I miss you so much" "we've missed you at so many events this past month" "I wish you could share with me what you've been doing" "all of this is so surreal" "I still can't believe you're gone" "please be as excited as I will be when we see each other again" "I know you're not scared but know I would do anything to be with you" "life is hard but we're getting up each day and experiencing whatever God has for us. It will never be the same without you but we're trying to make the best of it"
All of this, plus the crying, all because I see a picture of her. Guess it's all a part of it.
Kids had a relatively good week. Caden's school gave away D-back tickets to one student in each grade for good conduct. Caden was selected out of the entire 4^th grade class to take two friends to Friday's Frontrow Grill and see the D-backs in June. He was so excited. On Saturday he attended a football camp at our church. Several of the Arizona Cardinals showed up and at the end they had an autograph signing. Caden's highlights were having Steve Breaston and Adrian Wilson sign his football! Malia had a Disney Tea Party at my school. She went with her good friend Annika, and Annika's mom (Andra) and Malia's Aunt Reagan chaperoned. Sounds like they had a great time dressing up and doing Disney! Bailey and Caden had basketball games on Saturday. I'm always a bit sad going to Bay's games because he is so stinkin' cut running up and down the court (not really caring much about pick and rolls or draining a 3-pointer) that I know Leigh would've loved to watch him. Caden made his first basket yesterday and was awarded the team medal for good hustle. Bay and Malia then went with my mom to a community fair in which they were donating a portion of the proceeds to the Memorial Fund. Both got their faces painted, climbed the rock wall, and jumped on the bouncies. My mom said they had a blast.
All to say, with the help and support of everyone, things are moving along. We're staying "normally busy," which is good for the kids.
Two things we've introduced as "normals" are: attending Leigh's grave every Sunday after church, and weekly counseling for the kids. So far so good on both accounts.
I know this is totally off-track but one thing I was able to convince Leigh Ann of during our marriage was that watching golf was actually a good thing! She became a huge Phil Mickelson fan and we literally enjoyed coming home on Sundays if Phil was in the mix and watching him play. Today I'll root for the both of us as Phil is in the final pairings at the Masters. It will never be the same without Leigh but I know she'd want me to root hard for Lefty.
Wish I could say this is a new day, I'm up and ready, excited to see what lies ahead. Can't do that. But I can say, this is the day that the Lord has made, I will rejoice and be glad in it. Rejoicing has become an inward feeling of confidence and security that God is in control of this day. He was in control on March 6^th and is in control of today. Being glad in today doesn't mean trials won't exist. I think being glad means I have a right relationship with God. He's in control, He's the Creator, He's the Giver of good things (as I write this my three kids wake up, one at a time, and slowly make their way to the living room, coming over and giving me a big hug. He is the Giver of good things isn't He!)
"Father, somewhat of a sad morning. But a good morning nonetheless. I'm slowly understanding that those two feelings can co-exist. Not wanting this to be true of the rest of my life or the rest of the kids' lives, but for today I'm thankful for the 'good' part of the equation. I pray church will be full of You and that my praise will be pure. Thank You for the local church and how it has truly taken care of us. Bless them and everyone who has thought to pray and support me and the kids. I love You."

Day 33

Thursday, April 8, 2010
33 Days Without Leigh – 33 days of living in a world that's been demolished. What will 333 days be like? 3,333 days be like? The thought makes me nauseous. The days are long and the nights are even longer. Not because the hours have been extended. Rather because the nights are when Leigh and I would spend the most of our time together. And every night for the past 33 days I've looked for her, thought of her, wished she were here, wanted to talk with her, hold her, laugh with her, heck, I'd even take fighting with her. I've just wanted Leigh Ann. And what I looked at last night were some pillows neatly stacked on her side of the bed. Cried some, but then got tired of crying because I noticed that sometimes part of crying is knowing someone will be there to comfort you. I have a new friend now – loneliness, but he's not a very good friend and I don't need his comfort. I was needing Leigh Ann's comfort and the reality of this situation is until Heaven, her comfort isn't available to me anymore. All to say, tough night. The end of the week seems to do this to me. Really hoping it's not a pattern. I don't want to dread the weekend.
Part of the problem, I think, was a busy week. Meetings, counseling, work. A double-edged sword because we want a sense of normalcy but "normal" for us has always meant "busy." Three kids 10 yrs old and younger, sitting around the house for very long isn't an option! So, I'm trying to learn to balance all of this and when to say "no."
The upsides this week have included: kids doing well in school, counseling seems to be going well, Malia went to a Disney Tea Party with her Aunt Reagan at my high school, and my work giving me a fairly smooth week so far. Lots of times where we've smiled throughout the week so there are still many things to be thankful for.
Prayer Requests –
Managing the schedule

Day 29

Sunday, April 4, 2010
29 Days without Leigh – Easter Sunday. First holiday. We did everything we would normally do if Leigh was here. Kids woke up and hunted for candy, opened their baskets. Went to church. Went to the cemetery (guess we wouldn't normally do this). Went to Leigh's parents for a few hours. Went to my mom's for a few hours. Came home and watched the kids divide up the pile of Easter booty. The benefit to doing this as opposed to staying home all day was to the kids things felt somewhat normal. Playing with cousins, going on three Easter egg hunts, eating lots of food. We ended the day by popping popcorn, watching a little t.v., and thanking God for a "good" Easter Sunday.
Leigh was noticeably absent. Her laugh, her conversation, her smiling because the kids are having a blast, her loving spending the day with family and friends, her putting together Easter baskets, her shopping for Easter outfits, her making everyone else happy because she would be so happy.
The day was filled with a number of highs for me. Church was great. The singing made me pause more than once just to consider what a joy it its to praise God. The message was all about Jesus, the resurrection, and coming to know Him personally. Knowing what I know about where Leigh Ann is and why she's there, I was so thankful to hear our pastor no sugar-coating anything. Just a good day at church. Watching the kids run around hunting for eggs – a high for me. For a few hours they could just focus on having fun, eating candy, and enjoying life.
Not so high moments came in little spurts throughout the day. Nothing terrible, just catching a moment here and there where I so wanted Leigh to be here. Moments came at church, at her moms, and my moms. Heard a few songs on the radio that caused some tears. And what made the day tiring was having to wrestle with those moments. Each time this would happen I'd take a shot of "hurt" to the heart and then have to spend some time getting through it. This isn't a new experience, but today the "moments" were three or four times the normal amount per day. So it felt like a constant, "Leigh should be here for this," type day.
I'm confident of this though - that the day would've been a complete disappointment if not for everyone's prayers. Throughout the day there were moments of peace, joy, and happiness. I was very glad for those times and I know that I and kids were experiencing those because of the relentless prayers of so many.
I'm thankful to have gotten through our first holiday. I think each one will be different and it's just going to be a matter of waking up and experiencing that day without Leigh. I'd give anything to not have to walk through this next year knowing each birthday and holiday will be celebrated without Leigh Ann. There are a lot of people around but there's a definite absence. I think it's going to be just accepting that these particular days are going to be hard, but we can still find things to celebrate. I know Leigh Ann wouldn't be happy with everyone spending the day in mourning. She was just such a big part of these days that it's so hard to not think about her.
Prayer Requests

• Energy for tomorrow. The weekend both emotionally and physically was more tiring than usual.
• The kids second round of counseling (Tuesday).
• A local neighborhood is donating some of the proceeds of their neighborhood party to the Memorial Fund. Prayers that God would bless those who worked at putting this together.

"Father, thank You for a day where we can focus on the resurrection. I have hope because of the cross, and the empty grave. Leigh Ann is in Heaven because of the cross and the empty grave. Thank You for comforting me today. Thank You for the prayers of so many. Bless them. I need Your strength for tomorrow. Though I'm tired and often wanting to sleep through the next 40 years I thank You for the moments today where I was glad to be alive. Thank You for walking through this nightmare with me. Thank You for being my Shepherd."

Day 26

Thursday, April 01, 2010
26 days without Leigh - The most cruel joke someone could have played on me today would have been to tell me that the past 4 weeks were just that – a joke. That Leigh Ann was still alive and that I would be seeing her in just a few hours. Cruel because of the amount of sadness that has engulfed me. Yet for as angry as I would be for such a despicable act, I would move past that anger in a millisecond knowing I would soon see Leigh Ann again. No one has rung my doorbell yet today with that news. And I'd imagine that in the few hours left of tonight, no one will.
I wish I could write that it was a great day. One that was full of joy because of the short week (no work tomorrow), the potential rest over the weekend, and the focus on Christ's resurrection. All of these things are still true of what can take place over the next three days, but it's been a day lived with a very heavy heart, weighed down by sadness, loneliness, fear, and fatigue.
Saddened by thinking about the first holiday we'll spend without Leigh. It's not just her absence but because her absence is so final (unlike her being away this weekend but back on Monday), every aspect of the weekend will be lived in light of knowing this will be the new "norm." New activities will be introduced – putting out a basket with her name on it so the kids can write a card to mommy wishing her a Happy Easter, going to the cemetery with our Easter clothes on, taking family pictures with me and the kids. I just can't imagine Sunday being anything but sad. The day we celebrate our Savior's victory over death, yet quite honestly a day that I'm just not ready for.
It wasn't supposed to be like this. I shouldn't have to hear Bailey pray that he was so glad his school didn't burn down in the fire drill he had and then end his prayer with letting God know that he misses his mom "so much." It's not supposed to be the case where Caden has to ask his grandmother to sleep over because he's just not used to having only one adult in the house.
The loneliness is a tough one. So many times today I've wanted to text, call, or talk to Leigh Ann. Things only she'd understand. Things that I now have to bottle up. I can journal or tell someone else but it's not the same. Driving to places we'd normally drive together is becoming a bummer. Nothing earth shattering. Just quiet.
I was teaching one of my classes today out of Philippians chapter three and Paul is talking about our citizenship being in Heaven, so I started thinking about Leigh Ann being in Heaven. Then I wondered if they celebrate Easter in Heaven. This thought should have made me happy because it'd be great to think that on Sunday we could both be praising God for the resurrection of Christ. Rather it made me scared for Leigh. Don't ask me why that emotion came into play but it did. I was scared because I didn't want her to have to go to worship all by herself. I want to be there with her so she'd have someone she knew to experience her first Easter in Heaven with. I know that's a foolish thought. She's being well taken care of. Guess I just miss her so much and I want to share these new moments with her.
Rather a "down" day. Ups and downs. Ups and downs. Today was down. Upside is my chances of the next three days being down can't be that good right? Odds are in my favor that something good will be a part of the weekend. Can't come soon enough.
Wanted to leave something from Leigh's journal. As I read through her prayers to God I'm more and more enamored with her love for her King. Her prayer after reading Psalm 13 – "Lord, it's hard to even imagine a love that is pure and unfailing. Thank You my god for this attribute that I can know every minute of every day that You have a love for me like no other. Let me praise and glorify You in all that I do."
Gosh I love that woman.
The support continues. The cards/emails I get from so many telling me that Leigh Ann/this situation is on their minds which leads them to pray. The memorial fund is being added to daily. People continue to bring us meals. Today a lovely woman from our church brought over a meal and three Easter baskets. Are you kidding me? I'd say I'm shocked, but it's been like that in so many situations. People have been led by God to go out of their way to show me/kids God's love. It's been amazing to watch and be a part of. There's a part of my heart that is bleeding out, and there's another part that is full of joy. Part of that joy has come from the many ways people have expressed their love these past four weeks. It continues to be this profound love, not the Hallmark card kind of love. But this deep, deep community-type love. Amazing, amazing stuff.
Prayer Requests –

• That Easter would be about Christ and His victory over death.
• That God would comfort Bailey's heart.
• That I wouldn't try to escape the pain but rather try to see God in the pain.
• That God would bless the socks off of everyone who has prayed, supported, and encouraged us this week.

"Father, thank You that though these are some very dark times, I can be encouraged by others and their love for You. Thank You that Leigh Ann is rejoicing in Heaven and I know she's being taken care of. Just wish I could catch a glimpse of it. Protect the kid's hearts this weekend. And may Your glory be evident wherever I'm at. I hurt but I know You know what hurt is all about. Thank You for allowing Jesus to die for me."