Saturday, July 31, 2010
Day 146 - Can't we catch a break from just being able to enjoy something without the sadness ruining everything? Caden got his new bedroom furniture today which means he got to move into his new room. A big step for both him and Bailey. They've shared a room for the past six years so tonight is a big deal. As I tucked in each one and said prayers I could tell they were both a little scared. I know they'll eventually enjoy this new set-up but tonight is a night they could really use their mother, to both share in their excitement and comfort their nerves. Instead they get me. Doing my best but certainly not anywhere near what Leigh Ann would have given them.
I love seeing my kids grow up and yet I hate beyond words:
1. Not having Leigh here so we can, as parents, enjoy watching our kids take this small step in growing up
2. Not having Leigh here to tell Bailey everything is going to be okay and that he can be excited about having his own room
3. Not having Leigh here to help Caden set up his new room and encourage him that this is a step in becoming a young man
Our family is changing. The kids are growing up. It's not fair that they have to do it without their mother. It's not right. I'm tired of smiling and crying at the same time. I can only hope that this part of grieving goes away soon. It won't but I can hope. We miss Leigh Ann so much. Life just isn't the same. She was that good of a person, wife, and mother.
Prayer Requests:
- Praise God that our friend's daughter's PET scan (brain tumor) came back negative. God is good!
- Prayers that Bailey will be able to sleep through the night in his new room.
"Father, I don't what tomorrow will bring. You promise that it will be a new day that I can rejoice in. I wasn't expecting the night to end on a sad note so I'm asking you to give the kids a peaceful night. I'll take some of that peace as well. This is tough Father and I'm tired of wishing Leigh were still here. I don't know how You'll fill the great void that's in our lives but I'm trusting You will. Thank You Father for saving Leigh. I honestly can't wait to see her again."
Saturday, July 31, 2010
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Day 144
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Day 144 - This morning's conversation as Bailey woke up:
Dad: Good morning Bailey.
Bay: Morning Dad.
Bay: Dad, now that Mommy's gone I think I like you a lot better than I used to.
Not exactly sure what to do with that other than laugh a little and realize once again that life will forever be different for Caden, Bailey, Malia, and me. I'm hoping over the years the four of us grow to not only love each other but to like each other a lot. So far so good.
I sacrificed some alone time this morning to play Connect 4 with the kids. Nothing to receive an award for but it was a hard decision based on how the day began. I woke up to Caden sitting in my recliner in my room staring at me. Right after the "good mornings" he launched into talking about every imaginable topic known to mankind. He followed me in to the kitchen with more random thoughts and he would have gone all morning if I didn't duck away for a shower. Upon my return the other two kiddos were up and about ready to engage. When the invitation came to sit down and play the game I was very tempted to tell them to play by themselves while I finished my coffee and head off to do some reading. Instead I plopped down on the floor and enjoyed 20 minutes of family time. The kids will never remember this morning but I will. It's one more memory I'll have of the four of us getting to know each other post Leigh's death. With school just around the corner the times when the four of us will wake up and play games will be few and far between.
Certainly a challenging week emotionally. Leigh Ann's presence has been in high demand. Little Liam continues to bring all of us great joy. But the joy is matched with a yearning to want Leigh here to experience this new life with us. As well there have been several events in my life and the lives of our family and friends that have called for Leigh's incredible wisdom, encouragement, friendship, and love. We have none of that now. Everything she brought to the table by way of beauty, intellect, grace, understanding, compassion, friendliness, and joy is gone. God's timing of Leigh's death continues to be a immense mystery to me.
Josh Wilson sings the song, "Before the Morning." Prior to March 6th this song would have come on the radio and I would have heard it but not understood it. I listened to it today and God used it to be an incredible source of hope. A few of the lyrics:
Psalm 30:11-12 says, "You have turned for me my mourning into dancing; You have loosed my sackcloth and girded me with gladness, that my soul may sing praise to You and not be silent O LORD my God, I will give thanks to You forever."
I can't say that I'm dancing right now. But I can sing praise to God and not be silent. I can give thanks to God forever. The lyrics of the song are true. The pain I'm feeling can't be compared to the joy that's coming. Leigh Ann is in the midst of experiencing that joy and she's waiting for you and me to join her.
The many who mourn over Leigh's death can take God's Word to be true. Our pain is terrible. We're in the darkness. But the morning is coming. Our mourning will be turned to dancing. If not now, certainly in Glory. I don't say this lightly: Join me in the hope we have in Christ.
Prayer Requests:
- For making the transition back to teaching
- For all our family to enjoy the rest of the summer
"Father, thank You for saving Leigh and giving her Heaven. I don't understand Your timing but I'll trust in You. I pray one day I my mourning would be turned to dancing. For now I pray for Your grace and peace."
Day 144 - This morning's conversation as Bailey woke up:
Dad: Good morning Bailey.
Bay: Morning Dad.
Bay: Dad, now that Mommy's gone I think I like you a lot better than I used to.
Not exactly sure what to do with that other than laugh a little and realize once again that life will forever be different for Caden, Bailey, Malia, and me. I'm hoping over the years the four of us grow to not only love each other but to like each other a lot. So far so good.
I sacrificed some alone time this morning to play Connect 4 with the kids. Nothing to receive an award for but it was a hard decision based on how the day began. I woke up to Caden sitting in my recliner in my room staring at me. Right after the "good mornings" he launched into talking about every imaginable topic known to mankind. He followed me in to the kitchen with more random thoughts and he would have gone all morning if I didn't duck away for a shower. Upon my return the other two kiddos were up and about ready to engage. When the invitation came to sit down and play the game I was very tempted to tell them to play by themselves while I finished my coffee and head off to do some reading. Instead I plopped down on the floor and enjoyed 20 minutes of family time. The kids will never remember this morning but I will. It's one more memory I'll have of the four of us getting to know each other post Leigh's death. With school just around the corner the times when the four of us will wake up and play games will be few and far between.
Certainly a challenging week emotionally. Leigh Ann's presence has been in high demand. Little Liam continues to bring all of us great joy. But the joy is matched with a yearning to want Leigh here to experience this new life with us. As well there have been several events in my life and the lives of our family and friends that have called for Leigh's incredible wisdom, encouragement, friendship, and love. We have none of that now. Everything she brought to the table by way of beauty, intellect, grace, understanding, compassion, friendliness, and joy is gone. God's timing of Leigh's death continues to be a immense mystery to me.
Josh Wilson sings the song, "Before the Morning." Prior to March 6th this song would have come on the radio and I would have heard it but not understood it. I listened to it today and God used it to be an incredible source of hope. A few of the lyrics:
Do you wonder why you have to,
feel the things that hurt you,
if there's a God who loves you,
where is He now?
Maybe, there are things you can't see
and all those things are happening
to bring a better ending
some day, some how, you'll see, you'll see
Would dare you, would you dare, to believe,
that you still have a reason to sing,
'cause the pain you've been feeling,
can't compare to the joy that's coming
so hold on, you got to wait for the light
press on, just fight the good fight
because the pain you've been feeling,
it's just the dark before the morning
Psalm 30:11-12 says, "You have turned for me my mourning into dancing; You have loosed my sackcloth and girded me with gladness, that my soul may sing praise to You and not be silent O LORD my God, I will give thanks to You forever."
I can't say that I'm dancing right now. But I can sing praise to God and not be silent. I can give thanks to God forever. The lyrics of the song are true. The pain I'm feeling can't be compared to the joy that's coming. Leigh Ann is in the midst of experiencing that joy and she's waiting for you and me to join her.
The many who mourn over Leigh's death can take God's Word to be true. Our pain is terrible. We're in the darkness. But the morning is coming. Our mourning will be turned to dancing. If not now, certainly in Glory. I don't say this lightly: Join me in the hope we have in Christ.
Prayer Requests:
- For making the transition back to teaching
- For all our family to enjoy the rest of the summer
"Father, thank You for saving Leigh and giving her Heaven. I don't understand Your timing but I'll trust in You. I pray one day I my mourning would be turned to dancing. For now I pray for Your grace and peace."
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Day 140
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Day 140 - Because I'm a school teacher (High School Bible), I'm afforded summers off. I used to pastor churches and only recently began teaching. As I never had a big interest in ministering to teens but now love my job, I firmly believe in God's sovereignty and perfect timing. He knew Leigh would die on March 6th, and He knew I'd need this summer to be home with the kids. And for that I'm forever grateful to Him.
The summer is closing quickly. Looking back I can see how it's played host to a number of "news" for me and the kids. Some we've welcomed, others we're trying to change. One "new" is my evening to morning routine. The kids will go down between 9:30 - 10:00 p.m. And whether it's because they feel bad for me or because they're growing up, it's taking less and less time for them to get into bed and fall asleep. After we scratch backs and pray, they're pretty much done for the night (on occasion Bailey will try to milk a few more minutes - "Dad, I think I saw something move in my room" "Bay, go to bed." "Dad, can you turn the fan on?" "Bay, go to bed." "Dad, chocolate milk?" You get the routine). They will sleep until 8:00 a.m. or so with Caden waking first, then Malia, then Bailey. Then the craziness begins.
My "new" routine is to try and get to bed before midnight. Sometimes I have things to get done after the kids go down, other times I just can't sleep, other times I need to unwind. I find myself getting up around 7 a.m., getting the coffee started, reading something from God's Word, reading a few chapters out of the latest book I've got out, and then watching the kids slowly file into the family room.
Compared to waking up, showering, getting dressed, rushing to work, etc., I'll gladly take what I've been given. But yesterday morning as I was sitting in my chair, books open, I looked around and realized something that's been happening the entire summer but I didn't notice it until now. Nothing terribly profound but it dawned on me that when the kids go to bed and until they wake up, unless I create some artificial noise (t.v., radio), my house will remain silent. This morning that thought was accentuated even more so as the kids spent the night at grandmas.
I can remember all too many days when Leigh was alive when I would long for the house to be quiet. Kids, dogs, t.v., me and Leigh talking (and even sometimes fighting), dishwasher, washing machine. And now for 10 hours each day if I don't turn anything on, I've got what so many of us dream of - quiet. I'm not crazy enough to carry on conversations with myself or my dogs, so things are just quiet. Not peace and quiet, just quiet.
Depending on a host of variables, the quietness can be good or it can be painful. The quietness can help reset your day or it can confirm that something isn't right. That someone is missing. I definitely need my rest from "kid noise." All parents do. But a rest from "adult noise?" The "kids are down, let's have some adult talk," is what's missing in our house now. Or "the kids are still sleeping, let's read the paper and talk over breakfast." That's now gone. I've missed that this week, and I'll miss that in the weeks to come.
The more spiritual people will tell me I should relish the fact that I have alone time with the Lord and instead of complaining I should spend more time in prayer. Talk to God. Let Him fill the silence. Maybe you're right. Maybe I should. And I will say that my time with God has been sweet this summer. He's shown me so many things in His Word. I love my time with Him. But I think God understands that there's something different when I talk with Him as compared to when I talked with Leigh Ann. And I miss talking with Leigh Ann. I miss hearing, "Good morning Sug."
Went to dinner and a movie with some good friends last night. Driving home to an empty house and the feelings that accompany that are what makes this "new" life truly new. Some things are going to be hard to get used to.
Prayer Requests:
- Prayers for Caden. The reality of not having a mom anymore is starting to hit him.
"Father, thank You that I don't have to be silent with You. Thank You for always being there."
Day 140 - Because I'm a school teacher (High School Bible), I'm afforded summers off. I used to pastor churches and only recently began teaching. As I never had a big interest in ministering to teens but now love my job, I firmly believe in God's sovereignty and perfect timing. He knew Leigh would die on March 6th, and He knew I'd need this summer to be home with the kids. And for that I'm forever grateful to Him.
The summer is closing quickly. Looking back I can see how it's played host to a number of "news" for me and the kids. Some we've welcomed, others we're trying to change. One "new" is my evening to morning routine. The kids will go down between 9:30 - 10:00 p.m. And whether it's because they feel bad for me or because they're growing up, it's taking less and less time for them to get into bed and fall asleep. After we scratch backs and pray, they're pretty much done for the night (on occasion Bailey will try to milk a few more minutes - "Dad, I think I saw something move in my room" "Bay, go to bed." "Dad, can you turn the fan on?" "Bay, go to bed." "Dad, chocolate milk?" You get the routine). They will sleep until 8:00 a.m. or so with Caden waking first, then Malia, then Bailey. Then the craziness begins.
My "new" routine is to try and get to bed before midnight. Sometimes I have things to get done after the kids go down, other times I just can't sleep, other times I need to unwind. I find myself getting up around 7 a.m., getting the coffee started, reading something from God's Word, reading a few chapters out of the latest book I've got out, and then watching the kids slowly file into the family room.
Compared to waking up, showering, getting dressed, rushing to work, etc., I'll gladly take what I've been given. But yesterday morning as I was sitting in my chair, books open, I looked around and realized something that's been happening the entire summer but I didn't notice it until now. Nothing terribly profound but it dawned on me that when the kids go to bed and until they wake up, unless I create some artificial noise (t.v., radio), my house will remain silent. This morning that thought was accentuated even more so as the kids spent the night at grandmas.
I can remember all too many days when Leigh was alive when I would long for the house to be quiet. Kids, dogs, t.v., me and Leigh talking (and even sometimes fighting), dishwasher, washing machine. And now for 10 hours each day if I don't turn anything on, I've got what so many of us dream of - quiet. I'm not crazy enough to carry on conversations with myself or my dogs, so things are just quiet. Not peace and quiet, just quiet.
Depending on a host of variables, the quietness can be good or it can be painful. The quietness can help reset your day or it can confirm that something isn't right. That someone is missing. I definitely need my rest from "kid noise." All parents do. But a rest from "adult noise?" The "kids are down, let's have some adult talk," is what's missing in our house now. Or "the kids are still sleeping, let's read the paper and talk over breakfast." That's now gone. I've missed that this week, and I'll miss that in the weeks to come.
The more spiritual people will tell me I should relish the fact that I have alone time with the Lord and instead of complaining I should spend more time in prayer. Talk to God. Let Him fill the silence. Maybe you're right. Maybe I should. And I will say that my time with God has been sweet this summer. He's shown me so many things in His Word. I love my time with Him. But I think God understands that there's something different when I talk with Him as compared to when I talked with Leigh Ann. And I miss talking with Leigh Ann. I miss hearing, "Good morning Sug."
Went to dinner and a movie with some good friends last night. Driving home to an empty house and the feelings that accompany that are what makes this "new" life truly new. Some things are going to be hard to get used to.
Prayer Requests:
- Prayers for Caden. The reality of not having a mom anymore is starting to hit him.
"Father, thank You that I don't have to be silent with You. Thank You for always being there."
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Day 137
Thursday, July 22, 2010
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Day 137 - Will head over to the hospital today to see my nephew Liam. Heavy sadness is still draped around me like a soaking wet robe. Not sure why. But it's here. Hopefully seeing this new life and all that God may have for him will lift my spirit.
I find myself more and more in God's Word and while darkness looms around me, I can't imagine how life would be without the comfort I'm finding in reading the Scriptures. God's truth is absolute and so I'm able to read it without having to question, wonder, or doubt. Few things in life can I do that with.
I grieve that Leigh Ann can't yet hold her newborn nephew. Yet I was pondering yesterday morning all the new people that Leigh is getting to meet. People that we can't yet meet. People that have passed away from years past and those who are dying every day, even people from the East Valley. Hundreds, even thousands are entering Heaven every day. How exciting must it be to run into friends of friends, family members of co-workers, children of relatives. To enjoy these relationships without sin. To meet these people and have pure joy in the presence of our King. True fellowship and community.
Who knows? Leigh may have already met the woman at the well (Jn 4), or the lame man (Jn 5), or the woman caught in adultery (Jn 8), or the blind man (Jn 9). People that we've read a dozen times over and yet have never met. She could have shared a bowl of cereal with Martha, or Mary, or Elizabeth. She could have joined a group of fellow believers as they gathered around David and listened to how he took down Goliath. All to say, with the many that are coming through Heaven's gates each day I can't imagine Leigh is walking around with nothing to do!
Not to be preachy, but the only reason I can have this hope that Leigh is alive and well is because of God's Word. The Bible is living and active (Heb 4:12), which means it's alive! Somehow, this book that sits on our night stand or is tucked away in our car somewhere is living. Through the Spirit, the Bible is ready to teach, convict, train, give hope, dispense grace. I don't claim to understand it fully, but I'm here to tell you as one who is bruised and broken, God, through the Scriptures, has been getting me up each day. The Bible tells me Leigh is enjoying Heaven because she believed (Jn 6:29, 35, 40, 47).
Consequently, because Heaven comes as a result of belief, Hell comes as a result of unbelief. How incredibly sad will it be for anyone not to enjoy Heaven because of a refusal to trust in Christ for eternal life.
How's this for weird - Jn 6:66, "As a result of this many of His disciples withdrew, and were not walking with Him anymore." I'm not a "let's make a big deal about numbers" type guy, but come on! "666," and that's the verse?! I'd make a much bigger deal about this but I Chronicles also has a 6:66, and it has nothing to do with anything! So, I'm not going to get carried away with this but it did catch my eye. Jesus is so big on saving people and that's clear. And our response is to believe in Him. He died for my sins and I need to accept His death for eternal life. I need to let His death cleanse me from my sins.
Enough preaching but for one more thing. Leigh wrote this in one of her journal entries, "Thank You for Your great mercy. That You spared me from death and Hell and continuous suffering. Teach me, help me to really believe my depravity that we as humans do not deserve anything but an eternity in Hell. Convict me. Thank You for Your great love that I will be sharing eternity in Your presence with You. Thank You that I can come before You with all the small details of life. It's such a blessing to have You as my Lord and Savior."
That's from someone who is now experiencing "eternity in Your presence." Thanks Leigh. I love you so much.
Prayer Requests:
- For those who need to decide what Jesus means to them.
- For the sadness to leave.
"Father, cover Leigh with Your love today. And I'll take some too. I love You. Thank You for saving Leigh Ann."
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Day 137 - Will head over to the hospital today to see my nephew Liam. Heavy sadness is still draped around me like a soaking wet robe. Not sure why. But it's here. Hopefully seeing this new life and all that God may have for him will lift my spirit.
I find myself more and more in God's Word and while darkness looms around me, I can't imagine how life would be without the comfort I'm finding in reading the Scriptures. God's truth is absolute and so I'm able to read it without having to question, wonder, or doubt. Few things in life can I do that with.
I grieve that Leigh Ann can't yet hold her newborn nephew. Yet I was pondering yesterday morning all the new people that Leigh is getting to meet. People that we can't yet meet. People that have passed away from years past and those who are dying every day, even people from the East Valley. Hundreds, even thousands are entering Heaven every day. How exciting must it be to run into friends of friends, family members of co-workers, children of relatives. To enjoy these relationships without sin. To meet these people and have pure joy in the presence of our King. True fellowship and community.
Who knows? Leigh may have already met the woman at the well (Jn 4), or the lame man (Jn 5), or the woman caught in adultery (Jn 8), or the blind man (Jn 9). People that we've read a dozen times over and yet have never met. She could have shared a bowl of cereal with Martha, or Mary, or Elizabeth. She could have joined a group of fellow believers as they gathered around David and listened to how he took down Goliath. All to say, with the many that are coming through Heaven's gates each day I can't imagine Leigh is walking around with nothing to do!
Not to be preachy, but the only reason I can have this hope that Leigh is alive and well is because of God's Word. The Bible is living and active (Heb 4:12), which means it's alive! Somehow, this book that sits on our night stand or is tucked away in our car somewhere is living. Through the Spirit, the Bible is ready to teach, convict, train, give hope, dispense grace. I don't claim to understand it fully, but I'm here to tell you as one who is bruised and broken, God, through the Scriptures, has been getting me up each day. The Bible tells me Leigh is enjoying Heaven because she believed (Jn 6:29, 35, 40, 47).
Consequently, because Heaven comes as a result of belief, Hell comes as a result of unbelief. How incredibly sad will it be for anyone not to enjoy Heaven because of a refusal to trust in Christ for eternal life.
How's this for weird - Jn 6:66, "As a result of this many of His disciples withdrew, and were not walking with Him anymore." I'm not a "let's make a big deal about numbers" type guy, but come on! "666," and that's the verse?! I'd make a much bigger deal about this but I Chronicles also has a 6:66, and it has nothing to do with anything! So, I'm not going to get carried away with this but it did catch my eye. Jesus is so big on saving people and that's clear. And our response is to believe in Him. He died for my sins and I need to accept His death for eternal life. I need to let His death cleanse me from my sins.
Enough preaching but for one more thing. Leigh wrote this in one of her journal entries, "Thank You for Your great mercy. That You spared me from death and Hell and continuous suffering. Teach me, help me to really believe my depravity that we as humans do not deserve anything but an eternity in Hell. Convict me. Thank You for Your great love that I will be sharing eternity in Your presence with You. Thank You that I can come before You with all the small details of life. It's such a blessing to have You as my Lord and Savior."
That's from someone who is now experiencing "eternity in Your presence." Thanks Leigh. I love you so much.
Prayer Requests:
- For those who need to decide what Jesus means to them.
- For the sadness to leave.
"Father, cover Leigh with Your love today. And I'll take some too. I love You. Thank You for saving Leigh Ann."
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Day 136
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Day 136 - We welcomed my nephew into the world sometime after 9 p.m. last night. 20 inches or so, and a little over 8 lbs (I know all the ladies want exact time, height, and weight - sorry!). The boy is already a serious cutie! Caden had the closest guess to the baby's actual birth date so he was the first to discover the baby's name. And after we had all gathered in the hospital room Reagan (Leigh's sister) and Jaime gave Caden the honor of announcing to us for the very first time, "Liam Gabriel Guzman!"
Liam was named in honor of his aunt Leigh Ann. I can barely write that without crying.
We were at the hospital all day as Reagan started contractions yesterday morning. It was good to sit and wait with a host of family members and our good friend Andra (we took over an entire waiting room!). The waiting part seemed to go well - lots of excitement and anticipation. The postpartum experience was a little different. Such a confusing room to be in. I'd look at this new life and my heart was flooded with joy. The first child for this wonderful couple, the pride they were feeling, the miracle of birth. And then I would wish a thousand times over for Leigh Ann to be there with us. I could so easily picture how excited she would have been. How big her smile would be. How she would have doted all over her nephew. How it would have taken a team of horses to drag her away from him. It was something she was looking forward to the moment she found out Reagan was pregnant. And now the day had arrived and Leigh was missing.
Tears were falling for most of us in the room. But our sadness was eclipsed by sheer delight as we all stared at this healthy baby boy. Our prayers that he will bring such happiness to Reagan and Jaime.
I'd by lying if I said the sadness has left me. I'd be lying if I said that times like last night leave me confused, frustrated, and dare I say angry that Leigh died, that God let her die. Even after sleeping on it I can't remove the thoughts that there will be many more times like this to come. Bailey and Caden exclaimed last night that they can't wait to have kids of their own. While we have a few years until that happens there will come a day when I'll welcome grandchildren into the world. And we'll be right back to last night. Both terribly sad that Leigh isn't there and terribly excited to welcome a new life. I want it back to where we were just terribly excited.
The reality of losing a spouse, a mother, a daughter, a sister is here to stay. It's not going anywhere. Every joyous occasion will be forever joined with an undertone of sadness. And I guess that's okay. It was okay for us to cry last night and still be happy. And it will be okay in years to come.
Prayer Requests:
- That God would keep little Liam healthy during these first few critical weeks.
- That God would fill the void that Leigh has left in our hearts.
"Father, thank You for a healthy baby. Thank You for the miracle of new life. May You somehow let us know Leigh is excited for this little baby and that she's okay not being here. I'm awfully sad that she isn't here for times like this. Please allow the joy to eclipse the sadness."
Day 136 - We welcomed my nephew into the world sometime after 9 p.m. last night. 20 inches or so, and a little over 8 lbs (I know all the ladies want exact time, height, and weight - sorry!). The boy is already a serious cutie! Caden had the closest guess to the baby's actual birth date so he was the first to discover the baby's name. And after we had all gathered in the hospital room Reagan (Leigh's sister) and Jaime gave Caden the honor of announcing to us for the very first time, "Liam Gabriel Guzman!"
Liam was named in honor of his aunt Leigh Ann. I can barely write that without crying.
We were at the hospital all day as Reagan started contractions yesterday morning. It was good to sit and wait with a host of family members and our good friend Andra (we took over an entire waiting room!). The waiting part seemed to go well - lots of excitement and anticipation. The postpartum experience was a little different. Such a confusing room to be in. I'd look at this new life and my heart was flooded with joy. The first child for this wonderful couple, the pride they were feeling, the miracle of birth. And then I would wish a thousand times over for Leigh Ann to be there with us. I could so easily picture how excited she would have been. How big her smile would be. How she would have doted all over her nephew. How it would have taken a team of horses to drag her away from him. It was something she was looking forward to the moment she found out Reagan was pregnant. And now the day had arrived and Leigh was missing.
Tears were falling for most of us in the room. But our sadness was eclipsed by sheer delight as we all stared at this healthy baby boy. Our prayers that he will bring such happiness to Reagan and Jaime.
I'd by lying if I said the sadness has left me. I'd be lying if I said that times like last night leave me confused, frustrated, and dare I say angry that Leigh died, that God let her die. Even after sleeping on it I can't remove the thoughts that there will be many more times like this to come. Bailey and Caden exclaimed last night that they can't wait to have kids of their own. While we have a few years until that happens there will come a day when I'll welcome grandchildren into the world. And we'll be right back to last night. Both terribly sad that Leigh isn't there and terribly excited to welcome a new life. I want it back to where we were just terribly excited.
The reality of losing a spouse, a mother, a daughter, a sister is here to stay. It's not going anywhere. Every joyous occasion will be forever joined with an undertone of sadness. And I guess that's okay. It was okay for us to cry last night and still be happy. And it will be okay in years to come.
Prayer Requests:
- That God would keep little Liam healthy during these first few critical weeks.
- That God would fill the void that Leigh has left in our hearts.
"Father, thank You for a healthy baby. Thank You for the miracle of new life. May You somehow let us know Leigh is excited for this little baby and that she's okay not being here. I'm awfully sad that she isn't here for times like this. Please allow the joy to eclipse the sadness."
Sunday, July 18, 2010
Day 133
Sunday, July 18, 2010
I know we'll see each other again one day but in case that day isn't for another 50 years (and sadly it could literally be 50 years until I see her face to face) I can't let my heart begin to get excited about something like that. Too much pain because I want to be near her so badly. I really can't remember what it's like to be in the same room with her. I can picture bits and pieces of seeing her come into a room with her infectious smile, or sitting around the table playing games and laughing, but they're only bits and pieces. And honestly I'm tired of having to strain my memory to try and remember what life was like when Leigh was here.
What stinks about tonight is that today was actually a good day. I led worship for my brother's church, the kids had some pool time with their cousins. But then we got home and "missing her" kind of settled in for the night.
I fixed dinner and it was just the four of us around the kitchen island.
I enjoyed eating with the kids but tonight was a night when the five of us, not four of us, would be talking about how fun the weekend was, and what we're going to do during our final weeks of summer. Tonight was a night to listen to Leigh Ann talk about how excited she is because her sister is due to deliver her first baby any day now. It was a night where I needed to hear "Mom," peppered throughout the dinner conversation. Instead we chatted briefly and then moved to another activity. My activity was to watch some videos of Leigh, which caused the tears to fall, which caused Bailey to ask, "Are you thinking about Mommy again?" Somewhat typical in our house.
Day 133 - One thing you end up missing when you're apart from someone for so long is their physical touch. I watched a video of Leigh (see tab under "media") because I was in need of hearing her voice. Seems like forever and a day ago since I heard Leigh's voice. But as I watched her on film I ended up missing not just what she sounded like but I missed just being able to be near her. To be in the same room with her again. To be so close to her that I could reach out and hug her. I miss holding her hand. One reason I think Heaven will last forever is because when I see Leigh again I will hold her for at least that long.
I know we'll see each other again one day but in case that day isn't for another 50 years (and sadly it could literally be 50 years until I see her face to face) I can't let my heart begin to get excited about something like that. Too much pain because I want to be near her so badly. I really can't remember what it's like to be in the same room with her. I can picture bits and pieces of seeing her come into a room with her infectious smile, or sitting around the table playing games and laughing, but they're only bits and pieces. And honestly I'm tired of having to strain my memory to try and remember what life was like when Leigh was here.
What stinks about tonight is that today was actually a good day. I led worship for my brother's church, the kids had some pool time with their cousins. But then we got home and "missing her" kind of settled in for the night.
I fixed dinner and it was just the four of us around the kitchen island.
I enjoyed eating with the kids but tonight was a night when the five of us, not four of us, would be talking about how fun the weekend was, and what we're going to do during our final weeks of summer. Tonight was a night to listen to Leigh Ann talk about how excited she is because her sister is due to deliver her first baby any day now. It was a night where I needed to hear "Mom," peppered throughout the dinner conversation. Instead we chatted briefly and then moved to another activity. My activity was to watch some videos of Leigh, which caused the tears to fall, which caused Bailey to ask, "Are you thinking about Mommy again?" Somewhat typical in our house.
Tomorrow is a new day. It will be like today in that it will have highs and lows. Nonetheless it will be new. Another chance for me to see what God has for me. Another chance to make Him known to others. Another chance to not answer the question, "why her and why not me?" but rather to accept the reality and to make the best of it. Another day to praise Him for His peace, goodness, and strength. And another day to miss the one I love most.
Prayer Requests:
- Prayers that I'll be able to be honest with my kids about how I'm feeling day to day
- Prayers for the upcoming school year"Father, thank You for a tremendous weekend with friends and family. Thank You for providing a time for sweet fellowship. As my heart continues to break may I continue to trust in You. Thank You for never letting go of me. Thank You for taking good care of Leigh Ann. Please let her know I love her so much and I miss her tremendously. I love You."
Saturday, July 17, 2010
Day 132
Saturday, July 17, 2010
Day 132 - Good friends that make up the Bible study Leigh and I have attended this past year came to me a few weeks after Leigh died and gave me the funds to take a vacation with the kids. After much thought as to what would make for a good getaway, the kids and I invited all our family and a few friends to join us for an overnight to a local swim park and hotel. We swam together, ate several meals together, golfed together. More than anything we simply enjoyed each other's company.
My extended family is quite unique in the fact that we all get along. We honestly enjoy family get togethers. Yesterday and today was no exception. We're all leaning heavily on each other as we go on this journey together. As we gathered for dinner last night, over 25 of us, I couldn't help but look around and think of how Leigh Ann had touched each life in the room. How each of us could have told several stories of what Leigh meant to us and how she has made us all better people. Another testimony to what kind of person Leigh Ann was.
As has been the case the entire summer, lots of tears were fell throughout the weekend. But new memories continue to be made. Memories that Leigh would want us to have. I'm sure of that. I honestly can't wait for Heaven but I'm glad that in the meantime there can be moments of joy and laughter. Some of those moments...
Malia, Bailey, and Caden enjoying the park (Wet-n-Wild)
Even the "old man" can still make it down first!
Kids and I had a great time
Golfing with friend Howard, my dad, and friend Jeremy
Lunch with everyone
Day 132 - Good friends that make up the Bible study Leigh and I have attended this past year came to me a few weeks after Leigh died and gave me the funds to take a vacation with the kids. After much thought as to what would make for a good getaway, the kids and I invited all our family and a few friends to join us for an overnight to a local swim park and hotel. We swam together, ate several meals together, golfed together. More than anything we simply enjoyed each other's company.
My extended family is quite unique in the fact that we all get along. We honestly enjoy family get togethers. Yesterday and today was no exception. We're all leaning heavily on each other as we go on this journey together. As we gathered for dinner last night, over 25 of us, I couldn't help but look around and think of how Leigh Ann had touched each life in the room. How each of us could have told several stories of what Leigh meant to us and how she has made us all better people. Another testimony to what kind of person Leigh Ann was.
As has been the case the entire summer, lots of tears were fell throughout the weekend. But new memories continue to be made. Memories that Leigh would want us to have. I'm sure of that. I honestly can't wait for Heaven but I'm glad that in the meantime there can be moments of joy and laughter. Some of those moments...
Malia, Bailey, and Caden enjoying the park (Wet-n-Wild)
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Day 128
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Day 128 - "Rain, rain, go away..." Monsooned a little the other night. Right before kids were jumping in the shower/bath Caden noticed it was pouring outside. When the rain hits our back porch it comes down in sheets which makes for a fun place to both watch the rain and play in the rain. The kids chose the latter. What was going to be a mundane, ho-hum, take baths and showers turned into three naked kids having a blast in the rain. You would've thought they'd never seen rain before. Dancing, handstands, screaming. All because water was falling from the sky. They were having so much fun and I was soaking in every second.
It's amazing when an unexpected burst of happiness comes our way, how unfiltered the kid's joy seems to be. I know they're experiencing tremendous amounts of loss (Caden cried in my arms at the cemetery last Sunday), but they seem to be able to enjoy the moment for what it is. It started to rain and they started to dance. I watched them run around and very much wanted to join them (clothed of course!). I wanted to just be happy in the moment. But for as much as I loved watching them get drenched I was equally sad that Leigh was missing this moment. I didn't want anyone else there but Leigh. It was too good of a moment to experience alone, without her.
I don't have my theology on human life all squared-away, nice and neat anymore. It used to be easy to think about because my life was easy. Now, life is now a complete mystery to me save the only simple truth I'm rediscovering every day - that God loves me, He saved me, and my life is to be an offering to Him. Outside of this, it's a crap-shoot. Death can come at any moment, cancer can invade a life in a heartbeat, divorce will leave many dazed and confused, even something as common as losing your child for a minute or two in a store becomes an instant reminder that there are no guarantees this side of Heaven. I miss Leigh Ann every day so much my entire body aches. And I'm not alone in my pain.
So where's the fairness that life supposedly owes us when my kids are enjoying the rain and Leigh isn't there to enjoy it with them? When Caden's crying at a cemetery? When all she was doing was waiting at a stop light to come home? I wanted to rain to "go away" not because I don't like rain. I wanted it to "go away" because the sorrow was outweighing the joy. I'm so glad the kids can be happy in the moment and enjoy it for what it is. I hope they're able to do that for many months to come.
"God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good." Makes for a great chant in the middle of a church service. Quite another thing to really believe it. My head is there. My heart is day to day.
Prayer Requests:
- Prayers that God would continue to show His love to my friends and family who are struggling.
- Prayers that God would invade my kid's lives in a fresh, new way.
- Prayers that I would be able to manage work and home life as school will start again shortly
"Father, I can't help but often wonder what it means that 'You've got it all worked out,' and, 'all things work together for good...' In the midst of this immense pain it's so hard to believe that You were right in the middle of the accident and knew that Leigh's time on Earth was to end that fateful night. It's so much easier to believe that You weren't paying attention and that a mistake was made. But I know that's not who You are. I know that You're sovereign and in control. I know nothing escapes You. I know You're love for Leigh is what allows her to enjoy Heaven even right now. I know You have a plan. And I want to offer my life to You so that Your name will be praised by all who know me or the kids. But Father the pain is intense and it doesn't go away. May peace be granted so that I can see and believe Your goodness."
Day 128 - "Rain, rain, go away..." Monsooned a little the other night. Right before kids were jumping in the shower/bath Caden noticed it was pouring outside. When the rain hits our back porch it comes down in sheets which makes for a fun place to both watch the rain and play in the rain. The kids chose the latter. What was going to be a mundane, ho-hum, take baths and showers turned into three naked kids having a blast in the rain. You would've thought they'd never seen rain before. Dancing, handstands, screaming. All because water was falling from the sky. They were having so much fun and I was soaking in every second.
It's amazing when an unexpected burst of happiness comes our way, how unfiltered the kid's joy seems to be. I know they're experiencing tremendous amounts of loss (Caden cried in my arms at the cemetery last Sunday), but they seem to be able to enjoy the moment for what it is. It started to rain and they started to dance. I watched them run around and very much wanted to join them (clothed of course!). I wanted to just be happy in the moment. But for as much as I loved watching them get drenched I was equally sad that Leigh was missing this moment. I didn't want anyone else there but Leigh. It was too good of a moment to experience alone, without her.
I don't have my theology on human life all squared-away, nice and neat anymore. It used to be easy to think about because my life was easy. Now, life is now a complete mystery to me save the only simple truth I'm rediscovering every day - that God loves me, He saved me, and my life is to be an offering to Him. Outside of this, it's a crap-shoot. Death can come at any moment, cancer can invade a life in a heartbeat, divorce will leave many dazed and confused, even something as common as losing your child for a minute or two in a store becomes an instant reminder that there are no guarantees this side of Heaven. I miss Leigh Ann every day so much my entire body aches. And I'm not alone in my pain.
So where's the fairness that life supposedly owes us when my kids are enjoying the rain and Leigh isn't there to enjoy it with them? When Caden's crying at a cemetery? When all she was doing was waiting at a stop light to come home? I wanted to rain to "go away" not because I don't like rain. I wanted it to "go away" because the sorrow was outweighing the joy. I'm so glad the kids can be happy in the moment and enjoy it for what it is. I hope they're able to do that for many months to come.
"God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good." Makes for a great chant in the middle of a church service. Quite another thing to really believe it. My head is there. My heart is day to day.
Prayer Requests:
- Prayers that God would continue to show His love to my friends and family who are struggling.
- Prayers that God would invade my kid's lives in a fresh, new way.
- Prayers that I would be able to manage work and home life as school will start again shortly
"Father, I can't help but often wonder what it means that 'You've got it all worked out,' and, 'all things work together for good...' In the midst of this immense pain it's so hard to believe that You were right in the middle of the accident and knew that Leigh's time on Earth was to end that fateful night. It's so much easier to believe that You weren't paying attention and that a mistake was made. But I know that's not who You are. I know that You're sovereign and in control. I know nothing escapes You. I know You're love for Leigh is what allows her to enjoy Heaven even right now. I know You have a plan. And I want to offer my life to You so that Your name will be praised by all who know me or the kids. But Father the pain is intense and it doesn't go away. May peace be granted so that I can see and believe Your goodness."
Friday, July 9, 2010
Day 124
Friday, July 9, 2010
Day 124 - "Who stole the cookies from the cookie jar? Malia stole the cookies from the cookie jar..." Actually there was no jar but there were cookies. Malia came into my room tonight and asked if she could have a cookie. I specifically told her she could have one cookie before bed (sorry to all those who forbid sweets). Bailey followed Malia by 15 minutes asking if he could have five cookies. "No, you may have one cookie." "Then why does Malia get five?" After summoning Malia to my room she entered with three cookies in her hand (btw - we eat Chips Ahoy! in my house), and chocolate all over her cheeks. There were questions asked, justifications given, and lots of darting eyes. Malia did hear me say only one cookie and she disobeyed me and took five. It's two minutes to bed time. What do I do?
When Leigh was alive this would have been an easier decision. One of us could play disciplinarian and one could play comforter. But now I have to have that delicate balance of playing both roles. I have to show a four-year old that disobeying dad comes with consequences and at the same time tell her she never has to be afraid of telling me the truth. I can't tell you how much I missed Leigh Ann in that very moment.
I sent Malia to her room and told her I'd be in to discuss her poor choices. When I walked in her room she was lying on her bed, blankets over her face. I was at a loss for words knowing that she was ready to lose it at any moment. "Malia, I need you to know that taking five cookies makes daddy feel bad because I told you to take only one. Now when you ask me for a cookie I'll have to come with you to make sure you only take one. Do you understand?" The loud sobbing began. It's late, I'm tired, and now I feel bad that my daughter is crying her little eyes out because she thinks she's done something terrible.
I was tempted to get off her bed, leave the room, let her finish crying, and then enter back in for some more dialogue. Instead I laid down next to her and put my arm around her and let her cry 'til she was done. I wanted to communicate to her that I will always love her even when things don't go so well. Maybe by just being there, snuggled together, she got the message. The crying eventually stopped and we laid there until she told me she was ok. At least one of us was ok.
This is the second time in 24 hours that I've had to play "judge," and, "comforter." Bailey, allegedly, hit his sister in the stomach after she, allegedly, knocked a toy out of his hands. I only heard the testimonies from both parties and then had to make an immediate decision. One thing I don't tolerate is my kids hitting each other. So I took Bailey to his room and administered some discipline. He cried pretty hard. I know it's cliche, but I felt bad. Not because he had to be disciplined, but because he had no other parent to listen to his side of the story. He had no other parent to come in and gently explain why it was wrong to hit his sister. He had no other parent to hold him and tell him it was going to be alright. I tried to do all of those things but I wonder how much weight it carries when I'm also the one who carries out the discipline.
124 days since Leigh died. Seems like I find new reasons to miss her almost daily. I needed my wife tonight, the kids needed their mom tonight. Life isn't all that fair.
Leigh, if you're listening, please know that you're missed more than you'll ever know.
Prayer Requests:
- Wisdom to know what to do as a parent.
- For God's love to be the source of my kids' feeling loved.
"Father, I know there are so many people worse off. I know I have so much to be thankful for. But in moments like tonight, when I'm missing Leigh Ann so much, I just can't get past why she had to die. I think the kids are getting short-changed and I'm frustrated. I'm thankful Leigh knew You and that You've given her eternal life. I pray she would know how much we love her and miss her."
Day 124 - "Who stole the cookies from the cookie jar? Malia stole the cookies from the cookie jar..." Actually there was no jar but there were cookies. Malia came into my room tonight and asked if she could have a cookie. I specifically told her she could have one cookie before bed (sorry to all those who forbid sweets). Bailey followed Malia by 15 minutes asking if he could have five cookies. "No, you may have one cookie." "Then why does Malia get five?" After summoning Malia to my room she entered with three cookies in her hand (btw - we eat Chips Ahoy! in my house), and chocolate all over her cheeks. There were questions asked, justifications given, and lots of darting eyes. Malia did hear me say only one cookie and she disobeyed me and took five. It's two minutes to bed time. What do I do?
When Leigh was alive this would have been an easier decision. One of us could play disciplinarian and one could play comforter. But now I have to have that delicate balance of playing both roles. I have to show a four-year old that disobeying dad comes with consequences and at the same time tell her she never has to be afraid of telling me the truth. I can't tell you how much I missed Leigh Ann in that very moment.
I sent Malia to her room and told her I'd be in to discuss her poor choices. When I walked in her room she was lying on her bed, blankets over her face. I was at a loss for words knowing that she was ready to lose it at any moment. "Malia, I need you to know that taking five cookies makes daddy feel bad because I told you to take only one. Now when you ask me for a cookie I'll have to come with you to make sure you only take one. Do you understand?" The loud sobbing began. It's late, I'm tired, and now I feel bad that my daughter is crying her little eyes out because she thinks she's done something terrible.
I was tempted to get off her bed, leave the room, let her finish crying, and then enter back in for some more dialogue. Instead I laid down next to her and put my arm around her and let her cry 'til she was done. I wanted to communicate to her that I will always love her even when things don't go so well. Maybe by just being there, snuggled together, she got the message. The crying eventually stopped and we laid there until she told me she was ok. At least one of us was ok.
This is the second time in 24 hours that I've had to play "judge," and, "comforter." Bailey, allegedly, hit his sister in the stomach after she, allegedly, knocked a toy out of his hands. I only heard the testimonies from both parties and then had to make an immediate decision. One thing I don't tolerate is my kids hitting each other. So I took Bailey to his room and administered some discipline. He cried pretty hard. I know it's cliche, but I felt bad. Not because he had to be disciplined, but because he had no other parent to listen to his side of the story. He had no other parent to come in and gently explain why it was wrong to hit his sister. He had no other parent to hold him and tell him it was going to be alright. I tried to do all of those things but I wonder how much weight it carries when I'm also the one who carries out the discipline.
124 days since Leigh died. Seems like I find new reasons to miss her almost daily. I needed my wife tonight, the kids needed their mom tonight. Life isn't all that fair.
Leigh, if you're listening, please know that you're missed more than you'll ever know.
Prayer Requests:
- Wisdom to know what to do as a parent.
- For God's love to be the source of my kids' feeling loved.
"Father, I know there are so many people worse off. I know I have so much to be thankful for. But in moments like tonight, when I'm missing Leigh Ann so much, I just can't get past why she had to die. I think the kids are getting short-changed and I'm frustrated. I'm thankful Leigh knew You and that You've given her eternal life. I pray she would know how much we love her and miss her."
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Day 121
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Day 121 - Four months has now passed since Leigh Ann died. For those who have been in this "game" much longer, four months is like a drop in the bucket. I guess I'd say the same to someone who is four days into his/her loss. Saddens me to think there are those who have gone four years, fourteen years, some even forty years. Will I really post a journal entry some day saying it's been four years since Leigh Ann died? Fourteen years? Will I be eighty-one years old and write that it's been forty years? Should I live to that age I guess so.
I don't know what "moving on" is. People say that to me. You see it in the movies. Someone goes through something traumatic and it seems like life is over for them, yet in exactly 128 minutes the sun is back out and the person has "moved on." Things are back to normal or even better. Four months later and I'm not seeing it in my "movie." Things will never again be normal. The kids will never again wake up and have breakfast with their mom and dad. Malia will never again go clothes shopping with her mom. Caden will never again have his mother's wisdom to help him with girls. Bailey will never again have his mom tickle him before he goes to bed. I'll never again look at the woman I married 14 years ago and ask her out for a Friday night date. We're at the four month mark and things are not better. No matter how many pictures I can post of the four of us smiling, Leigh's death still weighs tremendously heavy on our hearts. My heart aches every hour of every day.
The kids are growing up. I know that seems odd in that it's only been four months. But it's true. I see it. I see it in their actions, their words, their looks. The first few weeks after Leigh died time seemed to stop. Every decision revolved around the accident. Today it feels like the clock has begun ticking again. Bailey still goes to bed each night even without the tickles. Caden's interest in girls is slowly growing and he'll still need some wisdom. Malia will need to go clothes shopping for her upcoming year of preschool. Life continues on and we'll have to adapt. I certainly don't want it to be this way. I don't want to wake up one more day without Leigh Ann. But the painful reality of death is I'm left with no other choice.
The summer days continue without the one we love the most. Lots of "firsts" still ahead. Too many if you ask me.
Prayer Requests:
- Prayers that I'd continue finding peace in God's Word.
- Prayers that I'd know how to handle the times when the kids are fighting.
- Prayers to experience more of God's love.
"Father, it's a really tough day today. I'm not looking forward to many more days if they're going to be like this. I know You're good and I know You have a plan. I pray today that I'd see some of Your plan unfold. I do love You and my life is Yours. Just don't understand why You allowed Leigh to go when she had so much to give."
Day 121 - Four months has now passed since Leigh Ann died. For those who have been in this "game" much longer, four months is like a drop in the bucket. I guess I'd say the same to someone who is four days into his/her loss. Saddens me to think there are those who have gone four years, fourteen years, some even forty years. Will I really post a journal entry some day saying it's been four years since Leigh Ann died? Fourteen years? Will I be eighty-one years old and write that it's been forty years? Should I live to that age I guess so.
I don't know what "moving on" is. People say that to me. You see it in the movies. Someone goes through something traumatic and it seems like life is over for them, yet in exactly 128 minutes the sun is back out and the person has "moved on." Things are back to normal or even better. Four months later and I'm not seeing it in my "movie." Things will never again be normal. The kids will never again wake up and have breakfast with their mom and dad. Malia will never again go clothes shopping with her mom. Caden will never again have his mother's wisdom to help him with girls. Bailey will never again have his mom tickle him before he goes to bed. I'll never again look at the woman I married 14 years ago and ask her out for a Friday night date. We're at the four month mark and things are not better. No matter how many pictures I can post of the four of us smiling, Leigh's death still weighs tremendously heavy on our hearts. My heart aches every hour of every day.
The kids are growing up. I know that seems odd in that it's only been four months. But it's true. I see it. I see it in their actions, their words, their looks. The first few weeks after Leigh died time seemed to stop. Every decision revolved around the accident. Today it feels like the clock has begun ticking again. Bailey still goes to bed each night even without the tickles. Caden's interest in girls is slowly growing and he'll still need some wisdom. Malia will need to go clothes shopping for her upcoming year of preschool. Life continues on and we'll have to adapt. I certainly don't want it to be this way. I don't want to wake up one more day without Leigh Ann. But the painful reality of death is I'm left with no other choice.
The summer days continue without the one we love the most. Lots of "firsts" still ahead. Too many if you ask me.
Prayer Requests:
- Prayers that I'd continue finding peace in God's Word.
- Prayers that I'd know how to handle the times when the kids are fighting.
- Prayers to experience more of God's love.
"Father, it's a really tough day today. I'm not looking forward to many more days if they're going to be like this. I know You're good and I know You have a plan. I pray today that I'd see some of Your plan unfold. I do love You and my life is Yours. Just don't understand why You allowed Leigh to go when she had so much to give."
Thursday, July 1, 2010
Day 116
Thursday, July 1, 2010
Day 116 - Returned from our trip to San Diego. Two major components included: Time at the Beach (La Jolla) and the San Diego Zoo. The kids and I travelled with Leigh's parents, Leigh's brother and his family, and Leigh's sister, Reagan. Obviously, the only person missing was Leigh.
Aside from wanting a little more sun (cloudy all four days), there was nothing we should have done different. We all had a good time, as good as could be. Went running along the beach one morning and couldn't help but praise God for the wonderful beauty in His creation. In fact, His workings could be seen everywhere I looked. It's not hard to praise Him when you look at miles of beach and then remember that His thoughts toward us "outnumber the sand." (Psalm 139:18). Really? God thinks about us that much?! I remember walking throughout the zoo and thanking God for the great diversity in His creatures. What creativity He has!
Caden and I listened to an audio book while driving to and from San Diego - Deadline, by Randy Alcorn. A great read. Christian fiction involving crime, murder, and salvation. One of the best parts of the book is listening to what one of Alcorn's character experiences in Heaven. The author uses the Bible as the foundation for all his thoughts on Heaven so I was engrossed with this book while passing through Gila Bend, Yuma, etc. Through tears, I was all the more confident that Leigh Ann is well taken care of, she is with her Savior, she is experiencing the fullness of life, and we will see each other again.
With that said, there was no doubt Leigh was sorely missed on this trip. Everyone would have given anything on the planet to have her with us, enjoying the beach, playing with her kids in the ocean, laughing with her family, exploring the zoo with people she loved. But such will never be the case this side of Heaven. So we'll continue to make new memories the best we know how.
Some of those memories...
Day 116 - Returned from our trip to San Diego. Two major components included: Time at the Beach (La Jolla) and the San Diego Zoo. The kids and I travelled with Leigh's parents, Leigh's brother and his family, and Leigh's sister, Reagan. Obviously, the only person missing was Leigh.
Aside from wanting a little more sun (cloudy all four days), there was nothing we should have done different. We all had a good time, as good as could be. Went running along the beach one morning and couldn't help but praise God for the wonderful beauty in His creation. In fact, His workings could be seen everywhere I looked. It's not hard to praise Him when you look at miles of beach and then remember that His thoughts toward us "outnumber the sand." (Psalm 139:18). Really? God thinks about us that much?! I remember walking throughout the zoo and thanking God for the great diversity in His creatures. What creativity He has!
Caden and I listened to an audio book while driving to and from San Diego - Deadline, by Randy Alcorn. A great read. Christian fiction involving crime, murder, and salvation. One of the best parts of the book is listening to what one of Alcorn's character experiences in Heaven. The author uses the Bible as the foundation for all his thoughts on Heaven so I was engrossed with this book while passing through Gila Bend, Yuma, etc. Through tears, I was all the more confident that Leigh Ann is well taken care of, she is with her Savior, she is experiencing the fullness of life, and we will see each other again.
With that said, there was no doubt Leigh was sorely missed on this trip. Everyone would have given anything on the planet to have her with us, enjoying the beach, playing with her kids in the ocean, laughing with her family, exploring the zoo with people she loved. But such will never be the case this side of Heaven. So we'll continue to make new memories the best we know how.
Some of those memories...
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