Day 128

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Day 128 - "Rain, rain, go away..."  Monsooned a little the other night.  Right before kids were jumping in the shower/bath Caden noticed it was pouring outside.  When the rain hits our back porch it comes down in sheets which makes for a fun place to both watch the rain and play in the rain.  The kids chose the latter.  What was going to be a mundane, ho-hum, take baths and showers turned into three naked kids having a blast in the rain.  You would've thought they'd never seen rain before.  Dancing, handstands, screaming.  All because water was falling from the sky.  They were having so much fun and I was soaking in every second. 

It's amazing when an unexpected burst of happiness comes our way, how unfiltered the kid's joy seems to be.  I know they're experiencing tremendous amounts of loss (Caden cried in my arms at the cemetery last Sunday), but they seem to be able to enjoy the moment for what it is.  It started to rain and they started to dance.  I watched them run around and very much wanted to join them (clothed of course!).  I wanted to just be happy in the moment.  But for as much as I loved watching them get drenched I was equally sad that Leigh was missing this moment.  I didn't want anyone else there but Leigh.  It was too good of a moment to experience alone, without her.  

I don't have my theology on human life all squared-away, nice and neat anymore.  It used to be easy to think about because my life was easy.  Now, life is now a complete mystery to me save the only simple truth I'm rediscovering every day - that God loves me, He saved me, and my life is to be an offering to Him.  Outside of this, it's a crap-shoot.  Death can come at any moment, cancer can invade a life in a heartbeat, divorce will leave many dazed and confused, even something as common as losing your child for a minute or two in a store becomes an instant reminder that there are no guarantees this side of Heaven.  I miss Leigh Ann every day so much my entire body aches.  And I'm not alone in my pain.

So where's the fairness that life supposedly owes us when my kids are enjoying the rain and Leigh isn't there to enjoy it with them?  When Caden's crying at a cemetery?  When all she was doing was waiting at a stop light to come home?  I wanted to rain to "go away" not because I don't like rain.  I wanted it to "go away" because the sorrow was outweighing the joy.  I'm so glad the kids can be happy in the moment and enjoy it for what it is.  I hope they're able to do that for many months to come.

"God is good, all the time.  All the time, God is good."  Makes for a great chant in the middle of a church service.  Quite another thing to really believe it.  My head is there.  My heart is day to day.

Prayer Requests:
- Prayers that God would continue to show His love to my friends and family who are struggling.
- Prayers that God would invade my kid's lives in a fresh, new way.
- Prayers that I would be able to manage work and home life as school will start again shortly

"Father, I can't help but often wonder what it means that 'You've got it all worked out,' and, 'all things work together for good...' In the midst of this immense pain it's so hard to believe that You were right in the middle of the accident and knew that Leigh's time on Earth was to end that fateful night.  It's so much easier to believe that You weren't paying attention and that a mistake was made.  But I know that's not who You are.  I know that You're sovereign and in control.  I know nothing escapes You.  I know You're love for Leigh is what allows her to enjoy Heaven even right now.  I know You have a plan.  And I want to offer my life to You so that Your name will be praised by all who know me or the kids.  But Father the pain is intense and it doesn't go away.  May peace be granted so that I can see and believe Your goodness."