Sunday, April 24, 2011

Day 413

Day 413 - Final Entry

"Delight yourself in the Lord; and He will give you the desires of your heart." - Psalm 37:4 NASB


Easter 2011
 Malia - 5 yrs old

 Bailey - 7 yrs old

 Caden - 11 yrs old

Greg - still young at heart!
I thought Easter would be a good day to write the final entry for Informings. This was the first holiday the kids and I faced alone last year so there are deep emotional ties which I’ll never forget. But more so, Easter has been and will always be the day we remember and celebrate what our Great King accomplished by rising from the grave. Jesus gained victory over death and broke the chains of sin so that we might have life, even life abundantly.

I have assigned this my final entry because I honestly believe I have an abundant life. The kids and I are doing seemingly well which by no means should anyone conclude I’ve figured out grief, loss, and pain. This also does not mean I won’t be taught a thousand things in the upcoming years about the aforementioned topics. And finally this does not mean that I don’t go to bed each night a single father who didn’t ask to be single. What it does mean however is by God’s grace, and the endless support from family and friends, the kids and I have accepted our new life. We’ve settled in to our new “normal.” We’re laughing more than we’re crying, we’re focused on what’s before us not what we lost, we’re watching each other grow up and grow old.  Leigh Ann will never be forgotten (http://leighsblankies.blogspot.com/) but we're talking about her less.

It’s a challenge to live this life and some days better than others. But isn’t that true for all of us? And thus my primary reason for ending the blog. The heartache has been replaced with the mundane. My schedule is probably dominated by the same things as yours – God, work, kids, house, activities. My problems are probably similar to your problems – schedules, money, stress, aging. And my thoughts are probably your thoughts – I hope my kids turn out alright, anytime You want to come back Jesus is fine with me, is it Monday already? I’ve always believed blogs, twitter, etc. to be vehicles for sharing things out of the ordinary. Thankfully the kids and I are drifting ever so slowly back to ordinary.

The “why” questions still remain. Most likely they’ll always remain. I figure the goal isn’t to have the questions answered as much as it is to take the days I have left and draw near to God knowing there’s still work to be done. I want to bask in His grace, run to Him in my pain, worship Him with my life, and share His love. I want to understand how to wait on the Lord because His timing is perfect, to pursue my dreams and yet accomplish His will, to live without and yet truthfully claim I have everything I need. There is still much I want to learn about the One I will spend forever with.

The blog was incredible for me to be a part of. What started as a vehicle to release some raw emotions and random thoughts ended up being such an intimate part of my journey. I’ll always be able to look back on how God revealed Himself during that first year. More importantly I’ll have something to give the kids someday so they can see how good God was to us in our deepest times of need.

Never would I have imagined so many people would want to hear about me and the kids and yet now I don’t know what last year would have looked like without each of you. Your prayers, your kind words, your wisdom. Many of us won’t cross paths until Heaven but please know I look forward to that day when we will meet face to face. You have a huge “thank you” coming your way.

Though no more posts will be added I will not delete the blog. Some of you know people who are just beginning their journey in grief and have referred them to the site. Though all I have is my experience maybe it can serve as a resource. Feel free to pass my contact information along as well (gtonkinson@gmail.com).

Thank you so very much for walking by my side.

Best,

Greg


Prayer Requests:
- Continue to pray for Kate McRae. 
- Prayers for Caden as he is getting baptized in May!
- Prayers for me waiting on God.

"Father, what a journey thus far and yet it's just begun.  Thank You for the community of people who have surrounded the kids and me with pure love.  I know one day when it's all said and done answers will be provided, mysteries will be revealed.  Until then may we walk by faith and not by sight.  Thank You for the Risen Savior who saw fit to save this sinner.  I owe Him my all.  I love You."

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Day 401

Tuesday, April 12th, 2011


Day 401 - The Tonkinsons love Chick-Fil-A!  So much so we made the website!


The kids and I went to our local Chick-Fil-A for a wonderful Valentines Day dinner.  We had such a good time I decided to write them and "thank you" note.  Apparently they found the note worthy enough that a representative called last week and asked if she could put it on their website.  I'm putting this up only so that the kids will have this years from now. They think they're rock stars!  Funny.

"Father, thanks so much for an extended feeling of wanting to live in the moment.  Thank you for the little things in life like making a neat memory with the kids.  Thanks for thinking about us when so many other things must clamour for your attention.  I love You."

Saturday, April 9, 2011

Day 397

Friday, April 8th, 2011

Day 397 - I'm always interested in hearing people's "stories," our journeys in life where God has taken us.  Mine began when I was a freshman at ASU and was introduced to the idea of having a personal relationship with Jesus Christ through a campus ministry - Campus Crusade for Christ.  Little did I know then how much I would need Him over the next 25 years.  Tonight the local chapter of Campus Crusade held a benefit dinner and I was able to reconnect with several alum.  But the highlight of the evening came when I got to spend a few minutes with the co-founder of Crusade - Vonnette Bright. She was the keynote speaker and though I had been on staff with Crusade (for a very short time) I had never met her.  I've always felt a connection to her and her husband (Dr. Bill Bright) because they're a part of my spiritual heritage. 

I was able to catch up with her after her message and we ended up talking for several minutes.  She was genuinely interested in my life, my story, and wanted to know how the kids and I were dealing with the loss of Leigh Ann.  I will remember her kindness for a long time.  I drove home inspired to continue living for the Lord and somewhat excited that while I don't know what the future holds I do know God's love is real and He has a plan for me and the kids.  That's about all I can ask for. 

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Day 395

Wednesday, April 6th, 2011

Day 395 - Most mornings I've got just a few minutes to myself before things get going.  I do a very lame workout, shower, get ready, and by that time one of the grandparents is here to get the kids to school.  The routine begins at 5:30 a.m. and is usually "kid-free."  This morning Malia wandered into my room at 5:45 a.m., soon followed by Caden, then Bailey.  By 6:30 a.m. the day was in full swing.  Here's to coffee and doughnuts!


 

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Day 394

Tuesday, April 5th, 2011


Day 394 - Malia started soccer last week.  I have to start practicing my "GOOOOOOOOOAL!"


Saturday, April 2, 2011

Day 391

Saturday, April 2nd, 2011


Day 391 - Since March 6th I've had a very real transition from living in the past to focusing on the present.  This has been both challenging and freeing.  To get up each day and focus on what's infront of you rather than dwell on what you once had is challenging.  It means you must let go.  Over time you must eventually say "good bye."  And saying "good bye" to someone you were married to for 13 years is heart-wrenching.  It's also a great opportunity for the evil one to step in and claim life doesn't have to be like that.  He wants you to believe you can live the rest of your days in the past continually wishing for things that will never come to pass.  And if you choose to move forward he tries to attack you with feelings of guilt as though you're letting your loved one down because you're not spending every second of the day thinking about them.  I'm confident Leigh would laugh hard at the notion of wanting me and the kids to spend the rest of our lives focusing on memories of her. Nonetheless it's extremely difficult.  Nobody wants to let go. 


With that said I've tried hard to adjust my thinking from past to present, and I believe God is honoring that decision.  A few ways He's showed up this past week:


The Word - For Lent I decided to stop watching t.v. past 9 p.m.  I know that sounds trivial compared to those who are fasting or draping themselves with sackcloth and ashes, but those two hours after the kids go to bed before I call it a night are moments for me to unwind and relax.  Unfortunately without the dulling sensation of watching mindless television for two hours what's a guy to do?  So I've been filling my nights with other things - mainly sleep (go figure), and reading the Scriptures.  God has allowed me to have some rich times with Him, most recently a couple of days ago when I was wide awake at 1 a.m. with nothing to do (t.v. not an option!). Amazing what He can say to us when we're forced to listen.  I've been dealing with a situation as of late that has required patience and in the middle of the night my eyes were directed to Psalm 37:5 - "Rest in the Lord and wait patiently for Him." Nothing magical, just God saying, "I'm here, I'm real, and I'm in control, so get some sleep." 


Work - I'm blessed to have a tremendous work environment that I love being a part of.  In addition to being able to teach the Bible to high school students every day, I have opportunities to counsel, preach, and lead.  God is allowing me to use my skill set and that comes with great amounts of satisfaction.  I was able to challenge our students this week in chapel to consider how they face temptation when they're in the wilderness (Lk 4).  Amongst some positive feedback was a senior who came to me in tears asking for prayer because that's exactly where he's at - in the wilderness.  Satisfying to know God's Word doesn't ever come back void.  Recently I've been able to lend my wisdom to our administration as to what the Bible program at our high school might look like in the immediate and distant future.  Satisfying to know your opinion counts.  Last week I challenged some of my juniors/seniors to go out and share their faith with people who don't know the Lord.  I won't share all that happened but sufficed to say it was an amazing afternoon when I read their papers on how God used them to reach a lost world.  Satisfying to know the generation behind us still desires to let their lights shine.


Kids - God has used my kids to draw me closer to Him.  The morning of April 1st I was wakened at 3:30 a.m. to some noise in the hallway.  Upon investigating I discovered Caden outside my bedroom door lining up Dixie cups, dozens of them.  Had his plan gone unnoticed he would have set up 180 cups and filled several of them with water so as to "trap" me in my room!  Both he and I were bummed when I ruined his wonderful attempt to prank his dad.  Certainly a time when I wish I was a heavy sleeper.  I drove to work so thankful that though the kids have been to hell and back they're still choosing to look at the glass being half-full.  God gave me hope through Dixie cups at 3:30 a.m.

So we press on.  

"Father, thank You for the opportunties to know You and make You known.  Thank You for showing up in so many ways this week.  You deserve my unashamed devotion."

Saturday, March 26, 2011

Day 384

Saturday, March 26th, 2011


Day 384 - Spent the morning with our church, delivering food to the less fortunate.  I didn't know how the kids would respond but they ended up having a great time.  When we were finished Caden wanted to know if there was anything else we could do for this neighborhood.  I've been trying to help the kids understand that sharing the Gospel includes both word and deed.  I want them to desire serving others.  Today was a step in the right direction.


Malia wanted a chance to pull the food wagon!


Bailey checking how many boxes of cookies he had left!


Malia liked handing out bags of food better than pulling the wagon!



Bailey whistling while he works!


Checking to see if anyone was home!
It's been three weeks since Leigh's "anniversary."  Year two has been a steady dose of the continual adjustment of being a single father.  Daily reminders coming in the form of fatigue, loneliness, and stress.  The decisions to make are endless, the kids' needs are constant. 


Though often seemingly silent I know God has been with us.

Saturday, March 19, 2011

Day 377

Saturday, March 19th, 2011


Day 377 - Kids were able to enjoy a few days at Disney with their grandparents.  I joined them on the last day and had a blast! 










Bailey bought an autograph book but instead of filling it with signatures he used it as a journal.  I was so impressed!  He spent a good chunk of time just writing away.  Caden completed his "Tour of Disney" by conquering the Tower of Terror - the last ride he'd never been on in all his trips.  And would you believe me if I told you my 5 year-old, princess-loving, sweet daughter went on every ride she could?! Indiana Jones, Thunder Mountain Railroad, Matterhorn Bobsleds, and Space Mountain!!  She'd leave the ride grinning ear-to-ear saying, "It makes my tummy tingly!"

Nice knowing you Toontown!

Saturday, March 12, 2011

Day 370

Saturday, March 12th, 2011


Day 370 - Had the privilege of officiating a beautiful outdoor wedding today.  Weddings are such a pleasure to be a part of - the bride and groom are nervously excited, the parents are cautiously optimistic, friends all dressed to the nines.  Those who have been married know what lies ahead - among the good times there will also be times of disagreements, mundane nights, boring dinners, battle royales.  But for a few hours we forget all of that as we look at a radiant bride and stunning groom who are thrilled to think about spending their lives together. 


This week I also began the unit on engagement in the Marriage/Family section of my Bible class.  We're spending time discussing God's ideal way to view marriage, the roles of husbands and wives, and whom you should date.  We're learning from the Word about God providing Adam with a "suitable helper" to assist in ruling the world (Gen 1 & 2) and what Adam's reaction was when he fist laid eyes on Eve.  How stoked he was to have someone to go through life with (Gen 2:23). 


Marriage has been on my mind as of late and the truth is I miss having a helpmate.  The intimacy factor for sure but more so just having someone to do life with.  From cleaning the house and shopping to attending weddings and having dinner with friends.  This weekend I wanted to hear the voice of someone other than my kids when it was time for bed.  I wanted to watch a movie with someone lying on my shoulder other than Malia.  I wanted to discuss the future with someone other than my financial planner.  I wanted to dream outloud with someone older than 11.      


I take my cue from those who have been single more years than I have and that helps me gain perspective.  I am complete in Christ and I can find my strength in Him to live a joyful life with or without someone else.  Nonetheless, if I'm being completely honest, it's been a challenging couple of days.  I know God has a plan and yet I'm jealous for those who are living out His plan with someone by their side. 

Still trying to figure out how to do this new life.


Prayer Requests -
- The kids and I are on Spring Break next week.  Though we're a week past the anniversary of Leigh's death, it was the Saturday before Spring Break last year that she passed.  Prayers that I wouldn't dwell on what took place during Spring Break last year. 
- Prayers for me to have a balanced week.  To enjoy the kids but to also find times of personal rest.


"Father, I know You're all I need.  I pray I'd truly experience that reality this week."

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Day 368

Thursday, March 10th, 2011

Day 368 - Life continues to move forward.  I've had a very "living in the present" week which I'll gladly take after last weekend.  Speaking of moving forward, Caden's latest acquisition - eye glasses.  Nothing too serious - still has 20/30 vision - but enough to warrant wearing glasses during the school day.

Love his new look!  Growing up before my eyes and while the temptation is to miss Leigh Ann, I'm choosing to enjoy the moment with those around me.  Nothing I can do but celebrate with Caden a small milestone in his life (albeit a costly one for me!).

Prayer Requests -
- Please continue to pray for Kate McRae and her fierce battle with cancer.
- Please pray for Caden as he transitions from no glasses to glasses.
- I would appreciate prayers to continue to live in the present.

"Father, I never want Leigh Ann to think I've ever stopped loving her.  Please capture my heart and convince me she's happy for me and the kids.  I know You're taking good care of her and I'd ask You'd remind me of that everyday.  Thank You for the blessings I've experienced this week."

Monday, March 7, 2011

Day 365

Monday, March 7th, 2011

Day 365 - Last Friday I forecasted what yesterday might be like and in my "every now and then I make a good decision" wisdom I took off work today, kept the kids out of school, reserved a room at a local hotel for last night, and decided to do yesterday with just the four of us. 


By God's grace we had a wonderful time of swimming, eating junk food, turning the room down to freezing, and jumping on the beds.  But mostly we had time with each other.  In the hot tub we played "name one thing you appreciate about each other."  When it got to "one thing I appreciate about Mommy" the tears welled up but that was par for the course yesterday. 

A tremendously emotional day.  My phone blew up with emails, texts, and calls.  Very similar to Day 1.  You'd think it would've been overwhelming but it turned out to be extremely comforting.  People from around the world remembering Leigh Ann and expressing sympathy for me and the kids.  When we arrived at the cemetery we were greeted by three families all there to remember Leigh.  Every Sunday the kids and I are there alone so it was good to see others there and to grieve as a community.  Leigh's death has broken the hearts of many and yet there is something beautiful about living in pain together.  In a weird way I loved hearing how others were having a rough day.  Made me feel normal. 

Yesterday I reflected on what this past year has brought to me and the kids, our families, our friends.  Here are a few of things that came to mind:
- I'm not alone in my pain.  I've met dozens of people who could "one-up" me regarding pain.  And though Leigh was my wife, she was also a daughter, mother, sister, aunt, co-worker, and friend.  We're all experiencing her loss.  As well, everywhere I preached last year there was someone in the audience who could relate to my situation because they were in a situation of their own.  Pain doesn't invite a few to the party.  We're all invited. 
- Our days are numbered.  Death is coming and there is no escape.
- Seemingly there is no rhyme or reason as to how many days we're given.  God knows but very seldom makes the reason clear.  The timing of Leigh's death continues to frustrate me but I've also been confused at other's passings.  Children, young adults, etc.  For many of us there will always be a question mark as to "why."
- God is mysterious.  His ways are not my ways.   I'm more confused about God than I've ever been.
- The Scriptures are both comforting and complicated.  I've "sensed" God more this past year than ever before.  His Word has fulfilled it's promise of teaching me (II Tim 3:16) great things about myself, life, Heaven.  Yet I've never had more questions than I do now.  For instance:
          - I need more facts about Heaven than the Bible provides.  Did Leigh Ann know what we did yesterday?  Did she care?  What will love look like between us?  How will she relate to the kids?  Of course this leads me to think macro-thoughts about Heaven including: How much free will do we possess in Heaven? How will what I experience on Earth affect me in Heaven?  If I can't sin in Heaven how will I experience joy, for on this side of Heaven often joy is a result of suffering.
          - Prayer is a mystery.  Does prayer truly change things?  Is God dependent on people's prayers for healing, provision, blessings?  Is God's Sovereign will affected by prayer?  How come the answer to our prayers seems to be very random (God heals one person but not another though they were both equally prayed for?)?  Why do we tell people prayer works but when it doesn't we say, "God's answer was 'no'?"  Seems like a religious win-win without any way to disagree.
          - My purpose on Earth isn't as clear as it used to be.  Why was I created?  To be tested as to whether I would respond to the Gospel?  We talk of purpose in terms of "knowing God and making Him known," but that seems to make more sense when talking of someone who is older in age.  What about the child who dies a painful death?  What was their purpose?  To say, "God only knows" again seems like a religious win-win. 
-  My worship has never been more pure.  My intimacy with God has been authentic.  I care less about what others think knowing God is my only Audience. The words I sing have more meaning because I picture what Leigh is experiencing and I'm left with the choice of either believing or not.  I choose to believe.
-  I live with a great deal of hope. I know that sounds contradictory to some things noted above but somehow it's true.  I believe Heaven is just around the corner and though I'm confused I trust the Word.  Jesus is there, Leigh is there, and Heaven will be magnificent. 
-  God is good.  My kids and I have been blessed by God this past year in indescribable ways.  Though I'm confused by Him I'm also in awe of Him.  I've experienced His peace, His comfort, His healing, and His love in new ways this past year.  Things only He could have done for me.  I'm grateful He hasn't abandoned me in my darkest hour.
-  I'm less bound by "stuff."  If I need something I'll ask you for it.  If I have something you need, come and get it - seriously.  This principle began because of the outpouring of support the kids and I have experienced.  Meals, money, acts of service continue to come our way.  We don't deserve any of it and yet it keeps coming.  And so I've tried to be pro-active in giving.  I'm not taking any of it with me and there are so many in need.  And to bring it down to every day living, how fun is it to do something nice for someone?  Try picking up the tab every now and then.  It's hilariously fun.   
-  I'm in this for the long haul with my kids.  Caden, Bailey, and Malia are mine and though there are days we're not the best of friends our relationship has forever changed.  Our love for each other continues to drill down past what I've ever experienced with anyone sans Leigh Ann.  This past year it's just been the four of us and it's looking to be a repeat this year.  This doesn't take away from the countless hours family and friends have invested in our lives.  But at the end of the day the kids are my responsibility and for now I'm up for the challenge.
-  I'm less dependent on people and more dependent on Christ.  I don't know if I'll re-marry.  I do know Jesus is all I need.  Should He provide a helpmate, I won't fight it.  But if that never happens my identity will still be found in Him.  I'll still be whole and perfectly capable of living a successful life. 

All to say I'm launching into "year two" as a confused, imperfect, father of three, who is choosing to live by faith in the One who deserves my heart, mind, and soul. 

One day at a time...

Sunday, March 6, 2011

Day 364

Sunday, March 6th, 2011

Day 364 - Leigh Ann Tonkinson, Born February 5th 1975, Died March 6th 2010



I love this picture because it captures my wife so well.  You can tell she was married by the small ring on her finger.  A ring she faithfully wore for 13 years.  A ring which lays still in a cupboard now but was once worn by a woman who knew how to do marriage so very well.  Mature beyond her years she taught her husband volumes on the subject and he will be forever grateful.  He didn't say this to her enough but he's had a year to ponder how lucky he was to have had her as his wife.  How he wishes every day God would return her for just a few more years so he could tell her that.

This picture also shows how happy she was to be a mother.  Leigh Ann could have successfully pursued her career with more hours, more academics, receiving more accolades.  Instead she chose to spend time with her children.  There was a deep love between her and the kids that I have not been able to replicate by any stretch.  She knew what to say and how to say it, inevitably making things better.  Her children adored her and she them.  Their time together was brief and I'm sad for the kids, not because they're without a mother, but because they're without Leigh Ann. 

Finally this picture shows her eyes.  When I stare at them I can see a myriad of facets to her life - beauty, intelligence, wisdom, love, laughter, godliness.  Leigh Ann loved life and she lived it well.  She loved growing in her faith, discussing the ways of the Lord.  She was an excellent partner to have in ministry - patient, long-suffering, compassionate. 

All to say there is much about Leigh Ann Tonkinson I miss.  There is much about her we all miss.  Today marks the day many of us received the worst news of our lives.  One year ago today the sounds of weeping were almost deafening.  That day many of us found out we would have to do life without the one we love.  Life without the one who brought us so much joy.  We were told we would see her once again but that the rest of our days this side of Heaven would have to be spent without her.  And that is what this past year has been - a year without Leigh Ann.

Today I'll steal the kids away for an overnight at a local hotel.  We'll go to the cemetery and remember what once was and then we'll get away and be thankful for what we still have.  The hotel has an indoor-pool and a 24/7 snack bar.  Translation - Heaven on Earth.

This is a day to cry, to mourn, to grieve.  I've been doing it since I woke up.  But it is also a day to remember Leigh has been in God's presence for a year now.  She's in a place many of us are headed and my guess is she can't wait for us to join her.  In the meantime I'd imagine she would want us to live life well - live by faith, love God and love others, worship our Savior, remember the cross, and enjoy life (if you look closely at the picture you'll notice a Dr. Pepper can in the background!  How Leigh loved Dr. Pepper!).

Though we are hurting today may our prayer echo the prophet Habakkuk - "Even though the fig trees have no blossoms, and there are no grapes on the vines; even though the olive crop fails, and the fields lie empty and barren; even though the flocks die in the fields, and the cattle barns are empty.  Yet I will rejoice in the Lord!  I will be joyful in the God of my salvation!  The Sovereign Lord is my strength!  He makes me as surefooted as a deer, able to tread upon the heights." - Hab 3:17-19, NLT

A truly heartfelt "thank you" to everyone who has reached out this week.  The kids and I are standing on your prayers.  We love you.

Saturday, March 5, 2011

Day 363

Saturday, March 5th, 2011

Day 363 - One year ago today would be the last day I'd spend with my best friend.  Thankfully I remember it well, a last-minute dinner date on a Friday night.  Because Leigh had to work the next day, which meant she would leave the house early, March 5th would be the last day I'd actually see her alive.  The day she died we never saw each other, never even spoke to each other (except through text). 

Surreal to comprehend I haven't seen her or spoken to her for a year.  I struggle to believe tomorrow marks an entire year of living alone.  Have I really gone to bed for a year without saying "goodnight, I love you" to her?  Raising the kids without her?  Living life without her?  I do credit God, and God alone, for the strength of being able to get up each day this past year and live with some degree of hope.  I thank Him that there have been many bright moments during this year of grief.  Last night I was able to spend a few hours with Malia at our church's "Daddy Daughter Dance."  We had a fantastic evening of dressing up, professional pictures, and outdoor dancing to the sounds of Justin Bieber!  It was a night I won't soon forget.




And this is a decent snapshot of what the past year has been like - horrible days of pain and grief mixed with wonderful days of joy and laughter.  God is more a mystery to me than ever but I've never praised him with more sincerity.  I don't wish this life on anyone but I've never been closer to my kids.

So we'll keep pressing on in the midst of a very confusing life.

Prayer Requests -
- Simply for this weekend to pass quickly. 

"Father thank You for last night and the time spent with Malia.  May I have more moments with each of my kids that will provide opportunities for us to bond.  We need that as a family.  Please grant us Your peace this weekend.  Fill us with Your love so the pain won't be as bad."



Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Day 359

Tuesday, March 1st, 2011


Day 359 -   There are several pictures in my bedroom of Leigh and me.  Pictures I took down today.  They were hanging in my bedroom and I just got tired of remembering a great trip to Hawaii coupled with the thought of never being able to venture off again with the one I love.

It's exhausting trying to remember every detail of the past.  All I have with Leigh is the past and the hundreds of times I think about her each day are nothing but memories.  I’m thankful I have many great ones to choose from but the most recent one (going to dinner the night before she was killed) is a year old.   I’ve made new memories in the past year as I’m sure she has, they just don’t involve each other.

My memory of Leigh Ann is ever so slowly fading and that breaks my heart.  I never imagined I’d forget what my wife sounds like, her smile, her touch.  But that’s what’s happening.  Every day apart is a day my life is filled with other things, other people.  Of course my fear is so much time will pass before I die that we will forget what we had for 13 years.  That thought has caused many tears.

Many have reached out knowing this would be a difficult week.  So far they’re right. 

Saturday, February 26, 2011

Day 356

Saturday, February 26th, 2011

Day 356 - The last three times I've fallen asleep I've met up with Leigh Ann.  Not once have I prayed for this because I can't stand not being in control of my dreams. Having been apart for nearly a year, the last thing I want is to be reunited with my wife without having a say in how things will go. 

All three dreams have us in the same scene.  We're on Earth and we're in a room though I can't tell exactly what kind of room.  We're back together but the reason we were apart wasn't because of her death.  More like we were separated or maybe even divorced and now we're back together.  There's definitely some hesitancy on her part which makes me want to tread so very lightly for fear of losing her again.  I'm careful with all my words and actions because losing her again is not an option.  All of the dreams are "weird" by way of the setting, why she's not excited, etc. but just being in her presence causes my heart to overflow with joy and excitement.  Not much is said and yet I can see myself (or feel myself?) smiling ear to ear.

Of course I don't want to wake up and yet inevitably I do.  My eyes open to my bedroom, I look over to Leigh's side of the bed - still empty - and I'm quickly ushered back to reality. 

Back-to-back-to-back dreams.  This morning I hoped last night would be the last of them.  A few hours with the one you love just doesn't cut it.  Some would say it's better than nothing but for me it's worse.  I'm tired of living in a place where she doesn't live so I'll spend my time thinking about the place we'll both be some day. I'm banking on spending forever with her in Heaven - a place where I can go to sleep every night for 10,000 years and wake up each morning knowing she's somewhere on the property!

My flesh is still lobbying hard for God to change His mind about no marriage in Heaven.  But whatever my relationship will be with Leigh Ann in the days ahead will be infinitely better than these days lived without her.  That I know for sure. 

Prayer Requests -
- Kids and I still fighting sickness.
- Summer plans are well underway.  Prayer for wisdom.
- Prayers for me and grieving.  Just not sure where I should be at this stage.

"Father, please make my dreams about something other than Leigh Ann.  I miss her so much and I'd just assume the next time I see her will be in Heaven where we'll be together forever.  Thank You for Your blessings in my life and may my days be spent loving You."

Monday, February 21, 2011

Day 351

Monday, February 21st, 2011

Day 351 - Maybe your house looks the same...


Bailey had "it," passed it to me, then back to Bay, and now to Caden.  Nights are spent listening to incessant coughing (last night Bay coughed so hard he threw up), and sore throat moaning.  $50 was spent having a PA tell me my kid has a bad cough - wonderful.  I did try the "Vicks-on-the-bottom-of-the -feet" with Bay last night.  Mixed results but he was very excited to wake up to clean-smelling feet.

Many of you are fighting the same illnesses with your kids (if not worse) so I'm preaching to the choir when I say the days become just a little longer and patience is stretched just a little thinner. 

This isn't my first rodeo with sick children.  But add to to the mix grieving and single parenting, and the results can be dicey.  Though I haven't blogged for a few days doesn't mean I haven't been mentally and emotionally busy.  I continue to look for answers to unanswerable questions, I continue to replay every minute of that fateful night, I continue to look at my kids with sympathy, I continue to visit my theology, a theology which once was "foolproof," now at times seems to raise more questions than provides answers.  All to say the dance of balancing the daily grind with grieving is a delicate one.  Many days I feel like I have two left feet.

Today I was able to find great comfort in Paul's words, "For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory that is to be revealed to us." - Rom 8:18.  As I've contemplated the afterlife, especially with the thought of reuniting with Leigh Ann, I can't help but praise God that any and all suffering simply cannot compare to what awaits us.  I may not have all the answers and many questions still remain but what an awesome truth to grab hold of.

Though I can't see it quite yet there truly is Light at the end of this tunnel.

Prayer Requests -
- Bailey and Caden need some physical healing.
- Several friends have children with varying degrees of sickness (some hospitalized).
- Kate McRae and her continued brave battle with cancer.
- That I would find joy in the darkness.

"Father, I don't deserve Your grace but I won't deny it either.  Thank You for Your plan, especially the part about what is to come.  May it come sooner than later."

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Day 345

Tuesday, February 15th, 2011

Day 345 - Sunday night Malia decided that was to be the night she would attempt to ride without training wheels.  A huge success which today looks near perfect...




A proud father who wishes her mother were here to enjoy this.

"Father, thanks for the little things in life that can bring us so much joy."



Monday, February 14, 2011

Day 344

Monday, February 14th, 2011

Day 344 - Valentines Day

It's no Ruth's Chris but it's hard to beat a sit-down meal at Chick-Fil-A!  What a great time to share a meal with the kids in an environment where some spilt soda wasn't going to cause people to stare.  Yes it lacked a little romance but that wasn't on the menu this year anyway.  The kids surprised me with candy and cards which did a great job in filling the void. 





I received many texts/emails from people offering words of encouragement and prayer.  I believe it worked as my heart felt damaged but not broken.  I would've given anything to have gotten a sitter tonight so I could have taken Leigh somewhere special, enjoy her company, and share some romance.  But eleven months without touch, smell, sight of someone you love and you begin to get used to one more night of the same.  The kids did a fantastic job though of letting me know I am loved.  So I'll take it and enjoy a night with them even if chicken and waffle fries were the only things on the menu.

"Father thank You for providing for me tonight.  I miss Leigh Ann so very much but I thank You for a night out with the kids.  Thank You for filling the void in my heart.  May I trust in Your plan."

Sunday, February 13, 2011

Day 343

Sunday, February 13th, 2011


Day 343 - Bailey turns 7 today...


He woke up to some cards, a balloon, and his family wishing him a Happy Birthday.  Today he'll spend some time with a few friends at a local amusement center and we'll conclude the festivities next Saturday with family and friends.  All is going the way it should with the one exception of Leigh not being here.


At the cemetery today I couldn't help but wonder if Leigh knows it's Bailey's birthday and if so what she's feeling.  How could a mom who so adored her children not want to be with us today?  So when people tell me Heaven is so wonderful and that Leigh is having such a great time I have to pause and wonder what she's thinking on days like today.  I don't know.  Of course I miss her tremendously.  I'm relieved today marks the last of the "first" birthdays without Leigh (including hers).


After today we'll be down to Valentines Day, and the one-year anniversary of Leigh's death.  That will mark one year of events, holidays, birthdays, vacations, and just plain living without my wife.  And while it will be an accomplishment in and of itself to have gotten through this past year it won't be viewed as anything but a long year with many more ahead. 


Once again the day is very bittersweet.  Happy Birthday Bay.

4:38 p.m. - All my kids have different personalities and what I love about Bailey is his ability to forgive and forget.  He has short-term memory in the good sense.  Six friends were invited to some amusement fun but for one reason or another five couldn't make it.  As I nervously waited to see how Bay would respond he chose to make the best of it, smiling and laughing the entire afternoon.  At one point he mentioned, "This is the best day of my life!"  Thank you Bay for making my job easy.  I love you so very much.





"Father, take care of Bailey today.  Let him to know that he is loved by so many."

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Day 338

Tuesday, February 8th, 2011

Day 338 - Leigh's Blankies

A good friend took her cue from the Lord and has begun a ministry, "Leigh's Blankies."  I'll let her describe it to you...

http://leighsblankies.blogspot.com

God continues to use Leigh Ann's passing for His glory in ways that amaze us all and I can only be grateful for that.  I know Leigh has to be shaking her head thinking, "you've got to be kidding me" but it seems fitting based on how much she meant to all of us, how much we miss her, and how much we want others to know of the love of Christ.

And while I'm excited for what He might do through this ministry I can't help but be heartbroken tonight over hearing recent news of what many of you have been praying for in little Kate McRae.  According to her mother's most recent post (http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/mcraekate), the preliminary PET scans are showing positive results for cancer.  We continue to pray.

Saturday, February 5, 2011

Day 335

Saturday, February 5th, 2011


Day 335 - Leigh Ann's Birthday today

She would have been 36 years old.  How much I loathe writing "would have been."  One year ago she was alive and well, we were all wishing her a happy 35th.  A supervisor in nursing, a mother of three, happily married, looking forward to whatever else life had for her.  Leigh Ann was someone you wanted to be around and you especially loved being around her on this day because it was one of the few days when you could brag on her and there was nothing she could do about it.  



Malia crawled into bed with me around six this morning.  Still in a sleepy state of mind I almost whispered, "Happy Birthday Sug."  I've had the pleasure for 13 years to say those words so it's a hard habit to break.

Malia doesn't understand why we're not going to have balloons and cake and presents.  I think the obvious has escaped her - there's no one here to open the presents and blow out the candles.  The Person of Honor is gone. A surreal day which has gone from years of celebrating with family and friends to now stopping by a cemetery to remember what was. 

The kids and I made our way to the grave site this afternoon picking up some balloons and flowers along the way.  When we arrived we noticed several others had already stopped by leaving tokens of their love.  A complete tragedy when family and friends are leaving flowers and cards on a gravestone instead of handing them to someone at a party. First birthday I've been a part of that was anything but enjoyable. 


We cried a lot then prayed, each of us letting Leigh know how much we miss her.  The kids headed to the van and I stayed by the grave for just a few minutes longer.  I wanted some alone time and though I should've wished her a Happy Birthday the only words that could come out in between the sobs were how much I hate this new life.  

Why God would allow such a person to leave us so early I'll never quite understand. 

I missed wishing you a Happy Birthday today Sug. 

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Day 331

Tuesday, February 1st, 2011


Day 331 - Friends of mine, Holly and Aaron McRae need your prayers immediately for their daughter Kate.  Please read about her situation and then go to the Father on their behalf. Please.


http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/mcraekate

Day 331

Tuesday, February 1st, 2011

Day 331 - February has started off on the wrong foot. Had to put one of our Shelties down today - Scrappy. He hadn't eaten for close to two weeks. Liver failure is what the vet told us.


I told the kids Saturday night that Scrappy was going to go to Grandmas and that sometime this week we'd have to take him to the vet to be put down. They cried pretty hard as Scrappy has been with us for 10 years. All the kids know is life with Scrappy and Scooby (our remaining Sheltie).

Leigh's birthday is this Saturday, Bailey's is the week after.  Prayers that we can get through.

Saturday, January 29, 2011

Day 328

Saturday, January 29th, 2011

Day 328 - My bedroom looks quite different as you can imagine.  Shortly after Leigh passed it became the "storage shed" for furniture.  Now it's housing all the exercise equipment.  I was working out (using that term very loosely) a couple nights ago and saw a few pictures of Leigh on the wall.  I'll think about different things when I see pictures of her, different memories.  That night my thoughts went to all the times we struggled as a couple which led to feelings of regret.  While people have talked to me about the possibility of remarriage I realized that for Leigh Ann I was to be her only husband.  God knew Leigh would live 35 years and she'd only be married once - to me.  And so, between sets, I graded myself.  Thirteen years worth of marriage, how did I do?

I've been told in grieving it's natural to focus on the mistakes rather than the blessings, the do-overs you'll never get, the things you can never change.  Though Leigh and I had some very good times I immediately went to the arguments, disagreements, frustrations, and disappointments.  I remembered the many times I let Leigh Ann down, so many unnecessary fights, so many wasted tears.  I looked at the pictures on the wall of us smiling and wondered if she was simply posing - going through the motions.  Obviously sadness flooded my heart.

As God has been good to me and had provided these past 10 months so He did again in my bedroom.  Feeling pretty bad about how I handled our marriage I happened to glance at Leigh's nightstand.  For some reason I haven't cleaned it off and so there lay on top two or three of her prayer journals.  Shortly after she died I read many of her entries but then put them down and haven't picked them up for months.  I don't look at her side of the bed too often and forgot they were even there.  And for no good reason I picked up the one that was on top and flipped to the entry that was marked what I thought was the date - January 26th.  I had my dates wrong and the date was actually January 27th (ironically, Leigh had made no entry for the 27th).  This happened to be a journal she kept several years ago when it was just her, me, and Caden.  This is what I read, "What a tremendous blessing You have given me in Greg..."

I'm smart enough to know Leigh could have filled 10 journals on how I could've been a better husband and better father.  But God knew on that night I needed to hear from her that it wasn't all bad.  That our marriage had just as many spectacular times as it did challenges.  So He directed my eyes to "what a tremendous blessing You have given me in Greg..."  

Tears flowed and I'm not really sure how the rest of the workout went.  My heart went from deep regret to calm and content.

In my moment of need God showed up.

"For I am the LORD your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you." - Isaiah 41:13

"Father, thank You for helping me the other night.  Thank You for Leigh Ann and the great times we had, and though I wish there were more, I thank You for the 13 years we were husband/wife."

Monday, January 24, 2011

Day 323

Monday, January 24th, 2011

Day 323 - When Leigh and I were married from time to time there would be an occasion where one of us would be out of town leaving the other at home alone. When Leigh was gone and I was home it felt like a mini-vacation in the sense that it just felt different.  And in all honesty it wasn't half-bad.  Making decisions on my own, eating what I wanted, staying up late.  Being married for 13 years can make a guy forget what it's like to be single.  How things have changed. 

Different for me now would be having someone to talk to after the kids go to bed.  Different would be not having to know where the kids are every minute of the day.  Different would be saying "good night" to someone as I climb into bed.  Different would be telling another adult "I love you" (or hearing it for that matter).  Different would be looking over at the passenger's seat and seeing someone.  Different would be watching someone get the kids ready for church.  Different would be showing up to an event with someone.

Widow, single, single parent, whatever the label it all equates to one thing - different.  Things now are just different. 

Had a mild case of emotional schizophrenia tonight.  Getting ready for bed I took the pillows off of Leigh's side and tossed them to the ground.  I keep pillows on her side though they're never used.  I instantly felt alone.  The room felt larger than normal and more quiet than usual.  It dawned on me that for over 300 days no one has slept in our bed but me (the occasional son/daughter has slipped in every now and then), which I'm fully aware of but was nonetheless hit with feeling incredibly alone.  That feeling triggered feeling angry toward the kid who killed Leigh Ann.  I was instantly back at the funeral home looking at her in the casket trying to get a grip on the reality that she is dead.  It was a senseless death and so I'm angry.  And just as soon as I'm at the height of anger I'm challenged with the thought of my present life which, though single and difficult, is intact because of my friendship with Jesus.  That He is in my bedroom with me and though I miss the interaction with another human I will always have Christ.  So I'm brought from anger to a quiet peace.  Alone, angry, peace. 

I long for the day when it's just peace.

Prayer Requests:
- The kids continue to miss Leigh Ann.  Prayers for their hearts to be filled with God's peace.
- I continue to struggle with being alone.  Prayers for continued trust in God's timing.

"Father, how deep is Your love for us.  Thank You for not leaving me even in my darkest hour.  May my strength to get up each day and put on a smile be only because of the news I can share with others - that there is hope in the One who saved me.  You alone are worthy of my praise."

Friday, January 21, 2011

Day 320

Friday, January 21st, 2011


Day 320 - No prayer requests or prayers, just a brief post tonight...If words carried weight these next four would crush a small planet - I miss Leigh Ann.  That may or may not mean much to anyone else and that's okay.  I saw a picture of her today while I was teaching and I was instantly brought to a place of missing my wife so very much.  Life was right with Leigh Ann.


Monday, January 17, 2011

Day 316

Monday, January 17th, 2011

Day 316 - Knowing the kids will one day read these entries and probably wonder what their dad was experiencing that first year of losing his wife I wanted them to know that today, 316 days since this journey began, I miss their mother so very much.  Life continues to move forward and I anticipate better days ahead but today I simply wanted to spend the day with Leigh Ann.  So if the kids ever wonder when I "moved on," it wouldn't be today.

I remember Leigh going on a mission trip in college.  We'd been dating for two years and I knew when she returned I was going to ask her to marry me.  The 60 days she was gone seemed like an eternity.  I'd note in my journal that we only had 36 days left, or 15 days left.  The anticipation grew by the minute.  And when I saw her again for the first time at the airport our embrace lasted a very long time.  I can still picture it in my head.  I knew I wanted to spend my life with this beautiful, godly girl, and I couldn't wait for our adventure as a married couple to begin.

We're now apart once again.  This time I'm the one on the "mission trip."  I'd like to think she's counting down the days 'til our reunion though that's probably wishful thinking.  I know we're in Heaven to glorify God and what a joy that will be, but my flesh wishes the first thousand years could be spent just with my wife, enjoying married life with her.  No fighting, we both know what true sacrificial love looks like, we both look great, and we get to live in a mansion!  How stinkin' cool would that be?!

I dream that because truth be told I'd give anything to be married to Leigh Ann again right now.  I wouldn't care if we lived in a shack and didn't have two nickels to rub together.  Just being able to spend time with her again as her husband would make life instantly better.  It could rain every day for a year and I'd wake up grinning ear to ear.  Heck, I don't know if I'd even go to sleep.  I'd spend the first half of the night just watching Leigh sleep and the second half thanking God that I'm her husband.

I can't dwell on this for very long because none of this will ever come true.  The pain I know so well will return, the tears will flow, and I'll be no closer to her.  So  know I'll call it a night and with the little energy I have I'll try to continue to believe that God's plan is good (Rom 8:28).


 "Father, please let Leigh Ann know that she deserved much better when she was on Earth but if it's any consolation I now know that.  And if I could have a second chance she'd be very impressed with what I've learned these past 10 months.  Please give her my best.  Thank You for saving her."