Day 244

Saturday, November 6th, 2010

Day 244 - Eight Months

Dear Leigh Ann,

I have to hope that your night is going better than mine.  Caden and Bailey are crying themselves to sleep for missing you so much.  Caden has put up such a good fight these past few months but tonight he was tired of fighting.  "I know Mommy is in Heaven but I get so impatient and I want to see her again so badly."  I cried with him trying to encourage him that we may have to wait another 50 years but there will come a day when Mommy will never not be there.  We both cannot wait to see you again.

As I walked in to Bailey's room I found him crying, holding a picture of the both of you.  Caden's crying probably prompted Bay to start in on some of his own but the more I held him the more I could see that he really does miss you.  You meant the world to both he and Caden, and though I don't think I could stand to see everyone crying night after night, it was good for us to admit we don't have this new life figured out yet.

Malia was bouncing from room to room trying to make the boys laugh.  She hates when we're all sad.  She walked in to Caden's room with Bay's Toy Story Alien-Head on and told us to go to bed!  I know she misses you so much but I was thankful that she felt strong enough to not cry tonight.  I would not have done well with all four of us in tears.  

I don't want to do another birthday or holiday without you.  I reaffirmed to Caden tonight that it just isn't fair that you were taken so early in life.  He said, "Mom must be so special to God because he took her to such a great place at such a young age."  I know he's right but I wanted to cry out, "That doesn't make it any easier on us though.  What about all she's missing and all we're missing and how hard living has become?  When is God going to make sense of all of this?  Who wants to live another moment without Mom?"  Instead I just cried a little more with him.

I'm so tired of missing you Sug.  I'm so tired of living without you.  I crave wanting to be with you again.  I missed so many opportunities to express my love to you.  I want another chance and I hurt beyond belief knowing I won't get one.  I now understand how much you mean to me and yes you're probably doing so well in Heaven, but I could make such a great husband/father if I had another chance with you.  

But if I can't have that opportunity this side of Heaven, I promise that every second of my eternity that isn't spent worshipping God will be spent letting you know how wonderful you are.  I will never get tired of telling you how much I think of you.  I will tell everyone in Heaven.  I will tell the angels, the saints, every soul I meet.  I love you Leigh Ann.  I love everything about you, and I want to tell you that over and over and over again.  Regardless of you being my wife, I just think you are a woman worth knowing.  You simply don't know how many times I've said or have heard others say, "I wish Leigh were here, she'd know what to do..." 

We're getting up each day and doing our best.  God has been so good to us, meeting our every need.  It's as if He's said, "You're going to go through hell but I'm going to be right there with you."  And He has been.  I've had so many opportunities to talk to people about Him, breaking open the Scriptures.  You know how jazzed I get when that happens so you can imagine how that side of life has been flat-out phenomenal.  I miss sharing those times with you but somehow I think you're aware of what's been going on. 

There has been a choir of random thoughts constantly popping in to my head that I need to somehow get control of.  I wonder where you are (exactly), what you're doing, what you look like, how much of me and the kids you're aware of, who you're getting to know, what you remember about the accident, what your first moments in Heaven were like, if you've talked to Jesus face to face, when will I see you again, if you'll be as excited to see me as I am to see you.  These thoughts are 24/7 - always there.  Nights have been a struggle as of late.  Too many hours lost in trying to find answers that I know will never come. 

I wish I had a better report for you Sug.  Eight months in to this and I can't say I'm any further along.  I don't feel like I am anyway.  I'm trying hard to live with hope but some days it just seems like our reunion is so far away.  I can only truly hope that if He gives me another 50 years, it will only feel like 10. 

I love you so much,

Me

"Father, I have not much to say other than may Your will be done."