Day 253

Monday, November 15th, 2010

Day 253 - Caden cried himself to sleep tonight.  "I miss mommy so much," was what I heard between the sobs.

I was frustrated, not at Caden, at how uncertain our family's emotional stability is right now.  It's a complete guess from day to day.  I got to the end of Saturday full of both joy and sadness.  Sunday was an "up," because I spent the evening discussing the Gospels with a group from my brother's church.  Sunday night was "iffy" because Malia and Caden have coughs/aches which makes bed time a chore.  Today went well until I found out one of my dogs might have diabetes.  And then to walk in on my son, who should be having a good week (he turns 11 on Saturday), and trying to comfort him because he hates not having Leigh Ann around.

I understand all families have emotional highs and lows but this is something different.  The person that held our family together, made us stronger, made us happier, made us more connected was suddenly ripped from our lives.  Now we're trying to live without her and though it's been eight months we haven't figured it out yet.  Nothing feels natural. 

Mondays are hard.  Monday everything starts all over again.  Driving to work this morning I saw Leigh Ann in my mind, I heard her voice, and could remember what it was like to have her here.  There was a brief moment of joy because of all the wonderful memories.  But the more I drove and the more the reality of beginning another week without her began to settle in (like it does every Monday) the more "grey" the day became.  So, once again, I then have to make a conscious decision not to re-live the night Leigh was killed.  It's too easy to go back to March 6th and start back in with all the unanswerable questions.  But if I go down that road (which I've done countless times) then I have to dig myself out of this huge emotional hole before I have to start teaching.

This morning I chose to turn my attention to God and thank Him for whatever He had in store for me.  I hated doing it because this meant having to put my thoughts of Leigh aside.  Then again all I have of her now is memories and living in the past can prove to be very unproductive.

As I watched Caden cry I thought he should be spending the week getting excited to celebrate a birthday.  But his reality will forevermore be one of learning to live with both joy and sadness.  I so wish I could change that for him but knowing I can't maybe we can walk down this difficult path together encouraging each other with the hope we both have of one day living together with Leigh in Heaven. 

Prayer Requests:
- I really would like it if my dog (Scrappy) didn't have diabetes.
- I'd love for my kids to feel better.
- I'd love for Caden's party this weekend to be full of smiling faces.
- Praise that the seminar yesterday went well.

"Father, another Monday and they're not getting any easier.  Take Caden's heart and fill it with Your peace tonight.  Let us all gain some understanding from what has happened.  Prepare us now for another day tomorrow without Leigh Ann.  And please let her know how much we love her.  Thank You for the sacrifice Christ made so that I will be able to worship You forever with Leigh Ann close by."