Day 201

Friday, September 24th, 2010

Day 201 -

Dear God,

Made it through another week.  The kids are safe, the house hasn't burned down, the van still runs, I still have a job.  I guess you could say it was a success. 

On the other hand, my 201st day feels like my 20th day or my 100th day.  Tiring, unsettling, solitary.  I look at the kids and still find it a challenge to believe the four of us is all we have.  Another Friday night without hearing Leigh Ann's voice is still as painful as it was six months ago.  I'm missing her so much Father.  So many times I feel as if I'm just going through the motions.  I got to the end of another week but for what? Work, kids, sleep.  Get up and do more of the same.  I know I was doing the same a year ago but it just seemed different.  It was different.  There was more color in my world.  Leigh Ann infused life into our family.  She made the mundane interesting. 

I miss having my wife tonight.  Nothing's terribly wrong but nothing's terribly right either.  I'll watch some t.v. with the kids and then they'll go to bed.  I'll stay up a little while and then I'll go to bed.  I'd very much enjoy talking with Leigh late into the night and sleeping in tomorrow.  Watching t.v. and laughing only to hear her ask from the kitchen, "what's so funny in there?!"  I'll eventually fall asleep tonight, wake up tomorrow and start making the kids some breakfast.  No more Friday night talks of Leigh and I getting away for a night or planning what we'll be doing for the holidays.  No more weekends spent cleaning around the house and then taking the kids out for dinner.  I'm sad at how many times I hated to clean around the house.  How could I have not liked being some place where Leigh was?  I can barely remember what it was like to go outside and mow the lawn knowing my wife was inside making everyone lunch.  That all I would have to do is walk around the corner and there she would be.  What I wouldn't give to have her just around the corner right now.  Why can't that happen just once more Father?  Why must I wait until Heaven to see her again?

I had to talk with someone yesterday who just lost his wife to a car accident and all I could see was where I was six months ago.  It just doesn't seem right.  How lonely will his Friday nights now be? 

All that to say that my pain is real tonight God.  I'm at the end of another week and while the days are full they're also racked with hurt.  Nothing specific.  Just an overwhelming feeling of being done with being a widow. 

So God, You can have my pain tonight.  I'm freely and willingly giving it to You.  I'm tired of feeling beat down, beat up, frustrated, angry.  You can have my heart which contains this gaping hole of constantly missing Leigh Ann.  You can have my cries tonight which no one else will see or hear.  You're big enough, caring enough, and loving enough, so take it all.  I've got three kids I need to go and be with.

"Come to Me all who are weary and heavy laden, and I will give you rest." - Matt 11:28

Thank You Jesus for that promise.  I will take You up on that tonight.