Day 274

Monday, December 6th, 2010


Day 274 - Nine Months


Dear Leigh Ann,


As Malia and I drove home from her Little Ladybugs Preschool Christmas performance tonight the reality set it that it's futile to continue to add up all the events we've done without you.  Life continues and we're trying our best to be a part of it because we know that's what you would want.  We can't stay idle though I could have very easily hibernated these past nine months.


The hurt is still here.  Every event that's added to the calendar is still painful to carry out.  Driving to and from parties, celebrations, performances without you still produces tears.  I want you to be a part of all this.  The kids are growing up and they miss seeing you at all the things that matter to them.  I miss seeing you because I know how excited you'd be for them.  I hurt so much because of all that you're seemingly missing.  Not having an ounce of an idea of what Heaven is like I doubt you're feeling completely the same but if for any reason you think, even for a second, that we're doing okay without you, we're simply not.  God is taking good care of us but we desperately want you back.  I need you more than I've ever needed you. 


I continue to replay the accident over and over again.  It's still fresh in my mind and still very surreal.  It had to be your day to work.  It had to be you at the stop light.  It had to be your car that got hit first.  It had to be such a careless driver.  I know that's all a part of the past and you wouldn't know what you know about Heaven had all of that not happened.  I know God has taken you to a place I'll be some day.  And I know our reunion will "heavenly."  Guess I'm in a season of missing you so much that sadness and loneliness are currently trumping faith and hope.


Life continues to be busy.  School is almost out and I'm still preaching quite a bit.  I was asked to share the message at the Christmas concert this Friday.  I'm not sure how prayer works in Heaven but if you get a chance I'd love some prayers for that message.  It's supposed to include an invitation to the gospel and I just want people to know how true salvation, Heaven, and hope are.  Feel free to invite some heavy hitters to pray with you - Paul, Peter, Calvin, Luther, C.S. Lewis, you know, whomever you happen to cross paths with :) 


The kids are ramping up for Christmas.  You should see their wish lists!  Oh my.  On one hand I want to get them everything because it's been such a difficult year.  But I don't want to set a precedent either.  I need your help Sug to find that balance of making it a fun Christmas morning but not an "I just went in to debt" Christmas morning.  Believe it or not I haven't run us in to the ground yet financially!  Infact, dare I say, you'd be somewhat proud!  Okay, maybe not proud but you have to admit that there was some serious betting going on in Heaven since you got there as to how long I could go before having to sell everything just to pay the mortgage!  You were so good with our books and I miss having another voice to help with the "business" side of life.  So many things about you I took for granted.  Your intelligence and knack for numbers were just a couple.


I'd talk more about Christmas but I just can't without completely losing it.  All to say this is an incredibly difficult time for us.  You brought so much life to this holiday.  I don't know how we'll get through Christmas day without you so again, call some of your newly made friends over to your mansion and have a little prayer meeting for your pathetic husband.  I fear the day will be heavy and dreary and that doesn't seem to work too well when there are presents for the kids to open. 

I'm sure by now you've seen your grandmother.  Hope you two are catching up on things.  The funeral was bittersweet.  It was the first funeral we've attended since yours and it was so hard to sit through.  Flashbacks were coming in rapid succession and there wasn't any place to go.  I just kept staring at your grandmother's casket and seeing yours.  The pastor read Psalm 23 and I thought, "here we go again."  Your passing will never be a distant memory.  Certainly wasn't what I had planned for last week but death is never convenient and I'm glad I was able to be with your family during another loss.  What a year it continues to be.   


I've talked your ear off long enough so I'll let you go Sug.  My heart literally aches to spend some face to face time with you so once again be prepared to clear out your calendar for a few thousand years when you get the news that I've finally made it Home.  You'll be the first person I'll look for. 

I'll talk to you before Christmas.


I love you...still.


Me

"How long, O LORD? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? How long must I take counsel in my soul and have sorrow in my heart all the day? How long shall my enemy be exalted over me? Consider and answer me, O LORD my God; light up my eyes, lest I sleep the sleep of death, lest my enemy say, "I have prevailed over him," lest my foes rejoice because I am shaken.

But I have trusted in your steadfast love; my heart shall rejoice in your salvation. I will sing to the LORD, because he has dealt bountifully with me."   -Psalm 13, NLT

 Prayer Requests:
- Prayers that the kids would sing well for the Christmas concert this Friday
- Prayers that I would bring a message of hope on Friday to those who need it
- Praise - I have the opportunity to lead worship at our high school chapel on Wednesday with my brother, good friend Amy, and a few of our staff.  It's a praise because the people I'm playing/singing with are all super talented.  I'm like a kid in a candy shop!
- Prayers that I don't screw up this great chance I have to sing/play with such talented people :)

"Father, nine months seems like nine minutes.  Everything is still painful.  Losing Leigh Ann has come with intense hurt.  I don't want it any more.  I want to be with her again. I want to see her and hear her and hold her.  Please take care of both of us.  Please fill my heart with peace and understanding."