Day 293

Saturday, December 25th, 2010

Day 293 - It's 12:30 a.m. on Christmas morning.  I just peeked in on the kids - sound asleep.  I can only hope their heads are being filled with good dreams tonight.  I want them to have a great morning filled with childlike awe, wondering what's under the wrapping paper.  I want them to still act like children even though they've had to mature quite a bit this year.  I want them to be excited to be celebrating Jesus' birth with family and friends.

For me, I sit and look at the presents under the tree and I simply feel tired.  The shopping, building, and wrapping is finished and at the moment I've not much left in the tank.  I'm hoping a few hours of sleep will put me in the Christmas mood.  I have a incredible new found respect for all single parents especially during this time of year. 

I wish Leigh Ann could see our tree right now.  Every year she'd get excited to wake up and watch the kids open their gifts but this year I think she'd be really excited.  I got the kids a ping pong table all set up sitting on the back porch.  They'll have a blast thinking they've opened all their gifts and then to be surprised with one more!  Leigh would have had a tremendous amount of fun spending the rest of the morning playing ping pong with the kids.

It won't ever be the same and in a few hours I'll experience my first Christmas without her.  I remember how we'd wake up extra early, get the video camera out, start making breakfast, and then wait for each of the sleepyheads to remember it was Christmas morning and then come running out into the living room.  We both love watching the kids open their gifts but it was those few moments before the kids woke up when it was just the two of us that were pretty special.  All the presents still neatly wrapped under a beautifully lit tree, the house still quiet and peaceful.  We'd talk about each of the gifts and how excited we'd think the kids would be.  Christmas for Leigh was never about herself, it was always about the kids.  I loved watching her watch the kids because her joy was found in their happiness.  I'll forever miss that part of our "new" Christmas mornings. 

People have wanted me to think about Leigh's first Christmas with Jesus and I'm sure it'll be beyond spectacular.  Truth be told it doesn't do that much for me in this very hour.  I'd just assume Leigh be with me and the kids enjoying our sub-par but good enough for us Christmas day.  Maybe in a year or two I'll be very glad she's personally wishing Jesus a Happy Birthday, and certainly I can live with the hope of one day celebrating Christmas with Leigh in Heaven.  But today...today all I want is to spend the day with my wife watching our kids smile, and laugh, and play.  

I've been told many times this week that several will be especially praying for me throughout the day. I can only say, "Thank you," as I'm in great need of your prayers. 

Better get to bed.  Kids will be waking up soon and the day will become very busy very quickly.  Another "first" is right around the corner.  May one of my presents be a box of joy and peace.

Merry Christmas.

"Father, without Christ's birth there would be no death.  Without His death I'd never see my wife again.  So I will praise You for Jesus.  And I thank You for an occasion to celebrate His birth.  It looks to be another difficult day so I'd pray for my heart to find true joy not in the gifts but in Your Son, His birth, and most certainly His death.  Thank You that Leigh Ann and I will see each other again.  May my dreams tonight be filled with that hope.  And though I'll miss her tremendously throughout the day I pray her heart will be full.  I love You Father."