Day 11

Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Day 11
I can't describe the pain. Missing her has been harder and harder each day. I don't know how to live life waking up every day knowing I'll never hear Leigh Ann (on Earth) laugh, talk, sneeze, ask brilliant questions, settle me down when I'm upset, argue (well) with me, say the most loving things to our kids. I'll never see her dance, swim, sit somewhere where she was just loving life (over her mom's, by the pool, playing games, at church). I'll never see her out in the audience when I preach. I'll never hear her comments, such great comments. I'll never, never, never, never, etc. The rest of my life will be lived each day with "I'll never." And that reality has broken my heart. Quite torturous when you get up each day and your bleeding, tender, broken heart has to endure another round of abuse. Nothing compared to my Savior's torture, but I'm a wounded man and can't see any way out of it. My wife has been killed at age 35. I'll spend my days without her. I can't believe it.
Caden has been such a joy to be around. So many questions but such a tender heart. I love each of my kids with a love I didn't know I had. Been sleeping in their beds each morning. An absolute blessing. I dread thinking about waking up at 5:30 a.m. to go to work. Don't know if I can take it. I need to be with my kids. To sleep with them, to hold them, to tell them I love them, to kiss them, to laugh with them, to watch them. Caden and I have had some great conversations. I can only hope we continue to be honest with each other. I need to know what he's thinking. And I need him to know what I'm thinking.
Peggy, Reagan, and Robin are here cleaning up and Mom and Dad have the kids at Jump Street. In another hour the house will be filled with 6 adults and 5 kids. Sometime tonight more will come over for dinner. Just another night at my house. Typical ever since March 6^th.
I don't know what Heaven will be like (ages, knowledge, etc.). I can only hope in God's great creativity that I'll be able to remember each and every moment I'm tucking away in my memory so that when I see her again I can go over every one of them with her. Every time my heart is full of joy because of who she was, what she meant to others, when I wanted to tell her I love her so much. I can only hope that God will allow me to do that. What a great day in Heaven that will be.
"Father, I don't know how to do this. I'm trying but I'm hurting. I know You know that. I need Your peace and love. Thank You for the prayers of so many. May they heal me, my families, my kids. Thank You for Heaven where Leigh is and thank You that I will see her again. Please, I beg You, that we would mean more to each other than just a couple of saints. I need to see her again and know she is my wife. May we be able to live in Heaven together, worshipping our King."