Friday, September 24th, 2010
Day 201 -
Dear God,
Made it through another week. The kids are safe, the house hasn't burned down, the van still runs, I still have a job. I guess you could say it was a success.
On the other hand, my 201st day feels like my 20th day or my 100th day. Tiring, unsettling, solitary. I look at the kids and still find it a challenge to believe the four of us is all we have. Another Friday night without hearing Leigh Ann's voice is still as painful as it was six months ago. I'm missing her so much Father. So many times I feel as if I'm just going through the motions. I got to the end of another week but for what? Work, kids, sleep. Get up and do more of the same. I know I was doing the same a year ago but it just seemed different. It was different. There was more color in my world. Leigh Ann infused life into our family. She made the mundane interesting.
I miss having my wife tonight. Nothing's terribly wrong but nothing's terribly right either. I'll watch some t.v. with the kids and then they'll go to bed. I'll stay up a little while and then I'll go to bed. I'd very much enjoy talking with Leigh late into the night and sleeping in tomorrow. Watching t.v. and laughing only to hear her ask from the kitchen, "what's so funny in there?!" I'll eventually fall asleep tonight, wake up tomorrow and start making the kids some breakfast. No more Friday night talks of Leigh and I getting away for a night or planning what we'll be doing for the holidays. No more weekends spent cleaning around the house and then taking the kids out for dinner. I'm sad at how many times I hated to clean around the house. How could I have not liked being some place where Leigh was? I can barely remember what it was like to go outside and mow the lawn knowing my wife was inside making everyone lunch. That all I would have to do is walk around the corner and there she would be. What I wouldn't give to have her just around the corner right now. Why can't that happen just once more Father? Why must I wait until Heaven to see her again?
I had to talk with someone yesterday who just lost his wife to a car accident and all I could see was where I was six months ago. It just doesn't seem right. How lonely will his Friday nights now be?
All that to say that my pain is real tonight God. I'm at the end of another week and while the days are full they're also racked with hurt. Nothing specific. Just an overwhelming feeling of being done with being a widow.
So God, You can have my pain tonight. I'm freely and willingly giving it to You. I'm tired of feeling beat down, beat up, frustrated, angry. You can have my heart which contains this gaping hole of constantly missing Leigh Ann. You can have my cries tonight which no one else will see or hear. You're big enough, caring enough, and loving enough, so take it all. I've got three kids I need to go and be with.
"Come to Me all who are weary and heavy laden, and I will give you rest." - Matt 11:28
Thank You Jesus for that promise. I will take You up on that tonight.
Friday, September 24, 2010
Monday, September 20, 2010
Day 197
Monday, September 20th, 2010
Day 197 - I was able to get away with a few friends from Thursday night to last night. Flew to Sioux Falls, SD and drove up to Nisswa, MN (near Brainerd) where one of the guys has a cabin (don't feel bad - this cabin was unbelievable!). Four days of cold weather, eating high-calorie local fare, laughing, and hitting a lot of very bad golf shots. Oh and we hit/killed a young deer (I won't show a picture - yes, we took a picture - but think of Bambi lying on the side of the road).
Day 197 - I was able to get away with a few friends from Thursday night to last night. Flew to Sioux Falls, SD and drove up to Nisswa, MN (near Brainerd) where one of the guys has a cabin (don't feel bad - this cabin was unbelievable!). Four days of cold weather, eating high-calorie local fare, laughing, and hitting a lot of very bad golf shots. Oh and we hit/killed a young deer (I won't show a picture - yes, we took a picture - but think of Bambi lying on the side of the road).
Spent time with great friends Jeremy, Jarrod, and Eric
The golf courses were immaculate and the scenery was awesome
Weather was in the 50's, scores were much higher!
Not too often I have to wear layers when I play golf in AZ!
The cabin backed up to Gull Lake and we were treated to beautiful sunsets
Ok, I lied - here's the deer. Thumpty thump off the side of the SUV.
I was very glad to see the kids this morning before I left for work. We all missed each other and it was good to get a few hugs in. But it was also good to have some adult time. I knew the kids were well taken care of and it was good just to concentrate on a few things I love, namely food, golf, more food, and more golf. Now it's back to reality.
Prayer Requests:
- Bailey's arm is still in a cast. Another doctor's appt on Thursday to make sure it's setting correctly.
- Preaching this Sunday. Prayers for time to prep.
"Father, thank You for allowing me some time away to regroup. Thank You for providing for the kids while I was gone. Thank You for all the help I get each day. I pray You would bless those who are doing so much for me and the kids."
Saturday, September 11, 2010
Day 188
Saturday, September 11th, 2010
Day 188 - Peggy brought Bay and Malia to my classroom yesterday to share some lunch with me. As we were eating several of my students came to Bailey and asked if they could sign his cast. Imagine that. Several high school students wanting to sign the cast of a six-year old?! These students were simply being nice to my son. They'll never know how much it meant to me that they would reach out to him.
God could have placed me anywhere this year knowing what kind of year I was going to have. He chose to put me at Valley Christian High School and I can say with confidence it was a brilliant choice. The staff and students are beyond caring, kind, and encouraging to me. I feel the body of Christ, in an "Acts" type-way, most every day I step on campus. I can't imagine another place/group of people that could minister to me and the kids better than my VCHS family. Thank you all.
Prayer Requests:
- Preaching tomorrow. Prayers that I don't screw up :)
- Prayers for Bay as he now realizes having a cast isn't all it's cracked up to be.
- Prayers for all who are struggling today because of the loved ones they lost nine years ago on 9/11.
"Father, You do know best. Thank You for guiding my path three years ago to Valley Christian. You knew I'd need them this year. Thank You for young adults who love You and express that love in so many ways to me and the kids. Thank You for co-workers who see me more as a brother in Christ than a co-worker. Thank You for surrounding me with people who care more about my life than my abilities. Thank You for loving me through others."
Day 188 - Peggy brought Bay and Malia to my classroom yesterday to share some lunch with me. As we were eating several of my students came to Bailey and asked if they could sign his cast. Imagine that. Several high school students wanting to sign the cast of a six-year old?! These students were simply being nice to my son. They'll never know how much it meant to me that they would reach out to him.
Prayer Requests:
- Preaching tomorrow. Prayers that I don't screw up :)
- Prayers for Bay as he now realizes having a cast isn't all it's cracked up to be.
- Prayers for all who are struggling today because of the loved ones they lost nine years ago on 9/11.
"Father, You do know best. Thank You for guiding my path three years ago to Valley Christian. You knew I'd need them this year. Thank You for young adults who love You and express that love in so many ways to me and the kids. Thank You for co-workers who see me more as a brother in Christ than a co-worker. Thank You for surrounding me with people who care more about my life than my abilities. Thank You for loving me through others."
Monday, September 6, 2010
Day 183
Monday, September 6th, 2010
Day 183 – Six Months
Dear Leigh,
It’s been six months without you. Ironically, I write to you from a place of great familiarity. More on that in a moment.
The kids and I are trying to figure out life without you. How do we live knowing we’ll always miss you but also knowing God hasn’t called us home yet? I’m not sure where we’re at in the process but each day we’re slowly figuring out how to live on our own. Everyone is pitching in and doing their part. Malia is quite the helper and has done so well at recruiting her brothers to “help clean Bailey and Caden!”
The kids are expressing how much they miss you in different ways. Bailey has been crying a few times a week right before bed time. I guess something about the way you put him to bed reminds him of how it used to be. Caden is asking more philosophical and theological questions – about life, Heaven, etc. We sat on the porch swing this morning and talked for quite some time. Malia has had to tell a few people about you dying. You’d be so proud of the way the kids are handling themselves. I’m asking a lot of them and they’re complaints are minimal.
I’m missing you too. More than I’ve ever missed you. School is in full swing and things are going so well. I’ve wanted to tell you so many things since classes started. I think I miss that most. Talking to you. There’s just no one to talk with like we used to talk.
Does Room 315 ring a bell? That’s where I’m at right now as I write to you. Bailey broke his elbow yesterday and needed surgery. We went to Mercy Gilbert but after talking to a few people we decided to move him to PCH. As we were getting checked in one of the nurses asked if we wanted to stay on the 3rd floor after the operation. Bay wanted to stay in a room “mommy worked in.” The whole family joined me in the waiting room. The surgery went fine and so they wheeled him up to room 315. I thought it’d be comforting to be here sug, but I was met with several pictures of you the minute I walked off the elevator. You are so loved by your co-workers. Everyone is so glad to have us spend the night on your floor and they’re taking great care of Bay. But seeing your pictures and all the nurses wearing Unit 3 shirts brings back so many strong memories. Too strong for right now. I needed you so much yesterday. The kids and I have been through so many “firsts,” but I didn’t think that taking one of them to get surgery on a broken bone would be a part of that list. Many family and friends stayed with us the entire day and that was great. They went out of their way to show Bailey (and me) a great deal of love. I just hated telling all the admin nurses that Bay doesn’t have a mother any longer. I wanted you to look at his arm and help me decide what we should have done.
Some have said that they could "feel" you throughout this whole thing. That you were here with us in your old stomping grounds. I don't know about any of that. I didn't feel much other than missing you.
I know you’re wanting me to keep trusting God, keep praying, keep hoping for Heaven. I know you know we’re in His hands and that everything will be alright. I know you can see things so much differently that we can. I don’t know how it all works but I know you’re aware of what we went through yesterday and I know you’re praying for us. Just seems like the “perfect storm,” with Bay ending up on your floor the exact day of your 6-month “going home,” date.
I can’t look out past today sug because it’s too hard to imagine the rest of my life without you. So I’ll focus on today – getting Bay discharged, picking up his meds, taking him home, and getting him used to his cast. We’ll be okay but don’t ever, even for a second, think we don’t want/need you here with us. This weekend was another blatant reminder that life will forever be different without you.
My love is always for you. I count each day as just one more day closer to our reunion. I’ll serve our Lord as best as I can until then. Take care honey. I’ll see you so very soon.
-Me
Prayer Requests:
- That God would heal Bay's little body
- That God would make the next six months go by quickly
"Father, thank You for giving Bay a good operation and allowing his body to begin the healing process. Thank You for reminding me how little in control I am and how much I need to depend on You. Please continue to make Yourself known to me and the kids. Missing Leigh is such a part of our lives but I don't want that to consume us. I want to be consumed in knowing You."
Day 183 – Six Months
Dear Leigh,
It’s been six months without you. Ironically, I write to you from a place of great familiarity. More on that in a moment.
The kids and I are trying to figure out life without you. How do we live knowing we’ll always miss you but also knowing God hasn’t called us home yet? I’m not sure where we’re at in the process but each day we’re slowly figuring out how to live on our own. Everyone is pitching in and doing their part. Malia is quite the helper and has done so well at recruiting her brothers to “help clean Bailey and Caden!”
I’m missing you too. More than I’ve ever missed you. School is in full swing and things are going so well. I’ve wanted to tell you so many things since classes started. I think I miss that most. Talking to you. There’s just no one to talk with like we used to talk.
Does Room 315 ring a bell? That’s where I’m at right now as I write to you. Bailey broke his elbow yesterday and needed surgery. We went to Mercy Gilbert but after talking to a few people we decided to move him to PCH. As we were getting checked in one of the nurses asked if we wanted to stay on the 3rd floor after the operation. Bay wanted to stay in a room “mommy worked in.” The whole family joined me in the waiting room. The surgery went fine and so they wheeled him up to room 315. I thought it’d be comforting to be here sug, but I was met with several pictures of you the minute I walked off the elevator. You are so loved by your co-workers. Everyone is so glad to have us spend the night on your floor and they’re taking great care of Bay. But seeing your pictures and all the nurses wearing Unit 3 shirts brings back so many strong memories. Too strong for right now. I needed you so much yesterday. The kids and I have been through so many “firsts,” but I didn’t think that taking one of them to get surgery on a broken bone would be a part of that list. Many family and friends stayed with us the entire day and that was great. They went out of their way to show Bailey (and me) a great deal of love. I just hated telling all the admin nurses that Bay doesn’t have a mother any longer. I wanted you to look at his arm and help me decide what we should have done.
Supracondylar Humerus Fracture
Ride in the ambulance (no lights or sirens) :(
Post-op success!
Recognizing Leigh Ann
On Leigh's old office door
I know you’re wanting me to keep trusting God, keep praying, keep hoping for Heaven. I know you know we’re in His hands and that everything will be alright. I know you can see things so much differently that we can. I don’t know how it all works but I know you’re aware of what we went through yesterday and I know you’re praying for us. Just seems like the “perfect storm,” with Bay ending up on your floor the exact day of your 6-month “going home,” date.
I can’t look out past today sug because it’s too hard to imagine the rest of my life without you. So I’ll focus on today – getting Bay discharged, picking up his meds, taking him home, and getting him used to his cast. We’ll be okay but don’t ever, even for a second, think we don’t want/need you here with us. This weekend was another blatant reminder that life will forever be different without you.
My love is always for you. I count each day as just one more day closer to our reunion. I’ll serve our Lord as best as I can until then. Take care honey. I’ll see you so very soon.
-Me
Prayer Requests:
- That God would heal Bay's little body
- That God would make the next six months go by quickly
"Father, thank You for giving Bay a good operation and allowing his body to begin the healing process. Thank You for reminding me how little in control I am and how much I need to depend on You. Please continue to make Yourself known to me and the kids. Missing Leigh is such a part of our lives but I don't want that to consume us. I want to be consumed in knowing You."
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
Day 178
Wednesday, September 1st, 2010
Day 178 - God's hand has been on me and the kids. Ministry opportunities keep presenting themselves and those that I've already participated in have gone extremely well. I've done well this week of shifting my focus from Leigh Ann to God. Leigh was always involved in my ministry and almost always after I would preach, teach, or lead worship, I would seek her out for feedback. I loved hearing her thoughts. Now, my audience is the Lord and I truly have no one else to please but Him. Because of this I feel a sense of freedom that's been missing for some time. I loved what Leigh had to say but admittedly there were several times when impressing her was a huge part of my motivation. After all, hearing "great job" from your wife never gets old.
Life is different now in so many ways, and probably most evident would be how much we depend on schedules. I got home from work today, quickly showered, and started up the van. The kids were with my mom and her SUV pulled into the driveway as I was opening our garage door. All three hopped out of one car right into another and off we went to our next destination. My posts have been scarce this week because the above-mentioned seems to be true of most days as of late. One event stacked upon another. No sympathy as these are all things I've agreed to. Just that life has become very busy, and busy leads to fatigue, and fatigue leads to an incredible ache for Leigh to be with me for all the reasons you can imagine. Such is the case tonight. I ache for her thoughts, her wisdom, her help. Working through, in my head, all the things that need to get done has gotten old. I'm tired of the "mechanical" feel life has right now. I'm tired of giving brief answers to those who ask how I'm doing or how my day was. I'm tired of missing having that lengthy conversation with Leigh at the end of each day that would help prepare me for the next. All in all, I'm just tired.
Prayer Requests:
- I'd love prayers for upcoming ministry opportunities. Several preaching dates, leading a weekly bible study at school, chapel speaking dates, and teaching two seminars. God has been so gracious with these opportunities. I just need some time to prepare.
- Prayers for patience with the kids. I love them more than life but they're still kids and at times they get the best of me!
"Father, thank You for continuing to show up. Day after day it's been so good to see You at work. Life has been so hard and yet so wonderful. And while I'm tired and ready to give up You keep proving how wonderful life can be. I love You and desire to serve only You. Thank You for my kids. May You protect their little hearts. Keep drawing them to Yourself."
Day 178 - God's hand has been on me and the kids. Ministry opportunities keep presenting themselves and those that I've already participated in have gone extremely well. I've done well this week of shifting my focus from Leigh Ann to God. Leigh was always involved in my ministry and almost always after I would preach, teach, or lead worship, I would seek her out for feedback. I loved hearing her thoughts. Now, my audience is the Lord and I truly have no one else to please but Him. Because of this I feel a sense of freedom that's been missing for some time. I loved what Leigh had to say but admittedly there were several times when impressing her was a huge part of my motivation. After all, hearing "great job" from your wife never gets old.
Life is different now in so many ways, and probably most evident would be how much we depend on schedules. I got home from work today, quickly showered, and started up the van. The kids were with my mom and her SUV pulled into the driveway as I was opening our garage door. All three hopped out of one car right into another and off we went to our next destination. My posts have been scarce this week because the above-mentioned seems to be true of most days as of late. One event stacked upon another. No sympathy as these are all things I've agreed to. Just that life has become very busy, and busy leads to fatigue, and fatigue leads to an incredible ache for Leigh to be with me for all the reasons you can imagine. Such is the case tonight. I ache for her thoughts, her wisdom, her help. Working through, in my head, all the things that need to get done has gotten old. I'm tired of the "mechanical" feel life has right now. I'm tired of giving brief answers to those who ask how I'm doing or how my day was. I'm tired of missing having that lengthy conversation with Leigh at the end of each day that would help prepare me for the next. All in all, I'm just tired.
Prayer Requests:
- I'd love prayers for upcoming ministry opportunities. Several preaching dates, leading a weekly bible study at school, chapel speaking dates, and teaching two seminars. God has been so gracious with these opportunities. I just need some time to prepare.
- Prayers for patience with the kids. I love them more than life but they're still kids and at times they get the best of me!
"Father, thank You for continuing to show up. Day after day it's been so good to see You at work. Life has been so hard and yet so wonderful. And while I'm tired and ready to give up You keep proving how wonderful life can be. I love You and desire to serve only You. Thank You for my kids. May You protect their little hearts. Keep drawing them to Yourself."
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