Day 63

Sunday, May 09, 2010
Day 63 – The weekend is almost over. That's a good thing for me. It ended up being worse than I anticipated, and yet not without significant moments of God at work. The ongoing dualistic-type of life I seem to be a part of. One moment I can give God thanks for the blessings and the very next my heart is being filleted open for the thousandth time. Because Easter went relatively well I thought I'd be able to handle our anniversary (Thursday), the memorial benefit (Saturday), and Mother's Day. I grossly underestimated the power of pain and naively overestimated my ability to "weather the storm."
My anniversary day was the beginning of the "dark clouds" rolling in. The day was spent at work, at Bailey's school performance, and at home. A few "Happy Anniversary" notes/emails, but for the most part people purposefully avoided acknowledging what that day had meant to Leigh and me for the past 14 years. Every room I went in the "elephant" was there to greet me. Most everyone avoided the subject and I didn't want to bring it up. Should have been a great day of celebrating. Now it's just weird. Almost like a day you just want to get through so you can move on to the next. After work I went to the cemetery to wish Leigh a Happy Anniversary. Cried hard. Just didn't seem real that I was spending my anniversary at the cemetery. Crying makes you tired and maybe that's why this evening I feel exhausted. Been crying a lot.
On Saturday the dark clouds were split open with rays of bright sunshine. Six hundred or so people came out to Marley Farms to show me and the kids what love in action looks like. What an amazing expression of kindness. I spent the three hours giving hundreds of hugs, talking to many people, chasing the kids around, watching everyone have a good time. It was tiring, but well worth it. Though the kids were present it may take several years before they realize just how many people chose to show up and celebrate Leigh's life. Friends, family, co-workers, people I haven't seen in years, etc. I could spend the next few pages thanking everyone who spent countless hours putting it all together. I will mention Kristen Desmangles (Harbold) because she was the impetus behind the event. She was the event chairperson and did a absolutely remarkable job. Forever grateful to her.
Another ray of light on Saturday came when I had the opportunity, after the boys basketball games, to serve food at the Phoenix Rescue Mission. My Bible Study group all met and served dinner for a couple hours to people in need. It wasn't a huge deal other than it was a good break for me to go from being served to actually doing some serving. It felt good to give back even if it was just a little. Enjoyed good fellowship with the couples in my group. A nice way to end a long day.
After putting the kids to bed Saturday I was reminded by how tired I was that this (single parenting) is my new reality. This isn't a test to see if I'd make a good parent. No one is going to knock on the door and tell me it's over. Raising three kids, even with all the help (and I have tons of help), is exhausting. Always something to do, someone in need of something. And it's less than exciting to think tomorrow will be more of the same. More baths to give, more backs to scratch, more shoes to tie, more toys to pick up, more telling the kids to be nice to each other, more trying to find lost things, more times to say "what?" every time someone says, "Dad?" And no more of being able to tell Leigh things that I'm going through. Little things, work things, friend things, family things, kid things. No things. It's that combination of extremely busy with life and no spouse to share this busy life with that often feels like a 1-2 knockout punch. Maybe the prayers of the saints and God's goodness is what helps me get up off the canvas each day because for some reason I keep getting up.
This morning I decided we'd forego church. I thought I'd be up for it but emotionally I just didn't want to hear a bunch of "Happy Mother's Day" announcements and not have a place to express my sadness. Took the kids to McDonalds and then headed off to the cemetery. Pulled in a realized we were not alone in our grieving. Many people standing around gravestones thinking about a wife, mother, grandmother, aunt, sister. We made our way to Leigh's grave and the "dark clouds" had rolled in once again. I wanted to celebrate her life, her being an awesome mother, her being an influence to other moms, but all I could feel was immense sadness that she couldn't be honored today. I felt like she was getting ripped off.

(Stole this idea from a book I'm reading on grieving). I bought three helium balloons with us to the grave (I ended up paying for six as three of them ended up on the ceiling at Albertsons!). I had markers and told the kids to write a message to mommy and after they were done writing I told them we'd release them up to Heaven. I have a lot to learn about the logistics of balloon launches (two of the balloons popped. I had to collect all the pieces and tie them to the final balloon. Due to the added weight, the balloon just made it over the hedges at the cemetery and my guess is it landed in someone's yard a few hundred yards away!), but it was good that the kids got to write notes to Leigh. Bay's note, "Dear Mom, I'm sorry about dying, and Happy Mother's Day." I couldn't agree more. I'm so sorry Leigh had to die and today the weight of her death seemed especially heavy.
Went to Peggy's to swim and went bowling with my mom's side of the family. Normally fun events but for me they were both just different. A sad kind of fun. Just not the same.
I'm very glad we have a stretch before any more major holidays. Maybe someday they'll be times of celebrating. Today it was a race just to get through it.
Prayer Requests:

• Praise that the memorial event went so well. Thank you to all who attended, prayed, gave. It is something we'll look back on with such fond memories.
• Praise to all of you who thought of me and the kids this weekend. Many of you are mothers and I'm thankful that on a day where you're being honored you'd take time to think of us and pray.
• Prayers that the next two weeks of school would be manageable for me. I'm running on fumes and the end of the year is in sight so I think I can make it.
• Prayers for an easy week. I'm in need of a great amount of patience, especially with the kids.

"Father, thank You for people who want to express Your love to me and the kids. Bless them. I pray for wisdom and patience. I'm tired and lonely. I don't know why Leigh had to go so soon. It makes me frustrated and angry. I know You're good but I'm struggling to see that. Why couldn't the kids have a mother they could wish a 'Happy Mother's Day' to? She was such a great mom. I pray she would know today that she is missed beyond expression."