Day 58

Monday, May 03, 2010


Day 58 – Mondays are the hardest.  New week with so much potential, but also another seven days living without Leigh.  Thought I had a beat on this grieving thing until on my way to work I heard the song, "Save a Place for Me," by Matthew West.  Some of the lyrics…
          You know I bet it feels good to have the weight of this world
            Off your shoulders now I'm dreaming of the day
            When I'm finally there with you


            Save a place for me I'll be there soon
            Save a place for me save some grace for me
            I'll be there soon I'll be there soon


            I have asked the question why
            But I guess the answer's for another time
            So instead I'll pray with every tear
            And be thankful for the time I had you here
Once again, on the freeway driving to work crying.  Turned the radio up just so I wouldn't have to hear myself cry.  
I'm so thankful Leigh has "the weight of the world off her shoulders."  Then again I don't know why God took her so soon because if there was one person who could handle the weight of the world, it was Leigh Ann.  If there was one person who could deal with me, deal with her friends, deal with her kids, deal with work, and still have enough left over to put a smile on and enjoy life, it was Leigh Ann.  I just don't get it.  
It's my second year at the high school and I've learned so much, even in these past few week, about being a teacher.  So much that I've wanted Leigh Ann to be a part of.  I've wanted to tell her about who is going to be teaching what subjects next year, which students are going to which colleges, who is dating who, what's happening with the Bible department, etc.  But I can't do any of that.  So when I see things as "dull," or, "shaded," or, "gray," it's not because life isn't happening around me.  It's because the everyday moments that two spouses share with each other are trapped inside my heart.  And 58 days later, I'm slowly realizing this as a part of my new life.  Rather than seeing these moments as things I can share with someone I now will have to enjoy them for what they are and then move on.  One day maybe I can share some of my work day with my kids, but it will be a while.  I'm not quite sure Caden wants to hear how my contract negotiations went! 
There isn't a day where I don't miss Leigh Ann.  Today has been tough.  When it gets easier I'm not sure.  Certainly not today.
I did find comfort today while reading I Peter:

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, 4 and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade — kept in heaven for you, 5 who through faith are shielded by God's power until the coming of the salvation that is ready to be revealed in the last time. 6 In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. 7 These have come so that your faith — of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire — may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and    honor when Jesus Christ is     revealed. 8 Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, 9 for you are receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls." (1:3-9) NIV

Leigh Ann is experiencing Heaven, inheritance and all.  My guess is if our inheritance is somehow tied to our life on Earth, Leigh's inheritance was awfully big.  Rightfully so.  Way to go honey.  I love you.


Caden and I finally had the "Dad, are you ever going to marry again," discussion.  Hard things for a 10-year old to think about.  He told me he doesn't want a step-mother.  I have appreciated his honesty throughout this experience.  Makes me not have to guess where he's at.  I have a feeling he and I will be spending a lot of time together.  Parents and children spending time together – I think that's in the Bible somewhere isn't it?


God at work:

• Our meals ended last week. People brought food to us multiple times a week for 7 weeks. So gracious.
• Yesterday at my brother's church (http://www.hopeispossible.org/) instead of having services the entire church went out into the community and served others. A group of a dozen came to our house and did a bunch of "fixer upper" things. What a great gesture of Christ's love.

Prayer Requests:

• The benefit event is this Saturday.  Prayers for the many that are working behind the scenes to make it a great morning.
• Mother's Day is Sunday.  Prayers for the kids.

"Father, thank You for saving Leigh Ann.  Thank You that her life mattered to so many of us.  Thank You that she ran so well that many of us are still saddened by not having her here with us.  I pray for the kids this week that while they will miss their mom, especially on Sunday, they will also understand Your love for them."