Day 54

Thursday, April 29, 2010
Day 54 – Malia made an elephant mask at school…
Had to laugh because it looks so ridiculously funny. Driving to work this morning, slightly overwhelmed by the elephant mask because it dawned on me (again) that from now on the only laugh my daughter will hear is mine. Of course there has been the support of so many family and friends the past two months. But regarding her "parents," I'm it. Thoughts, comments, laughs, smiles, discipline, disagreements, advice, someone to be there. So on the way to work it was emotionally and mentally draining. The reality of being alone has been slowly creeping its way into each day of my week. No big jolt, just a slow realization that everything I do, every second I live, will have to be done without the one with whom I started this journey with 13 years ago. I heard a commercial on the radio regarding tips on making meals. Two months ago I would have turned the dial. Now I'm listening with great interest. Met with my financial advisor yesterday. Two months ago the conversation would have been so brief ("you don't have any money…is there anything else I can help you with?") Leigh and I would have laughed about it. Now I'm meticulously planning out each year from now until retirement. Life has changed and this week I wasn't up for much change so I fought Leigh's death which only amounts to crying. No amount of fighting, running, crying, will bring her back. Every day there are a handful of times when that enormous fact descends upon my heart. Sucks the joy, happiness right out of me. I continue to be reminded of how many things Leigh still needs to be a part of and how different those things seem to be without her. Maybe not different to the naked eye but it's night and day to many of us.
If someone were to tell me that I could go away for a weekend, face Leigh's death head on, deal with it entirely, and then wake up on Monday ready to live this new life as a single parent, I would be there in a heartbeat. The difficulty in this new life isn't so much the logistics of single parenting (though they are difficult), rather it's the feelings, the questions, the thoughts, the tears, when I think about Leigh Ann. It's what is taking place in my heart and my mind. It's all the thinking and the feeling. And as far as I can see these feelings and thoughts will always be with me. Maybe not as intense as they are now but they're here to stay. Like having a bout with walking pneumonia and knowing it will never go away. People see you out and about, or working, or at the store, or playing with your kids, but on the inside you're sicker than a dog and you just want to go to sleep.
A friend, who lost his wife a few months ago, ends his emails with "peace in the midst of our worlds turning upside down." Maybe that's what I need to pray for. Not that my world would turn right side up, rather that I'd have His peace in this new "upside down" world.
Just to be honest, it's not that the entire week has been filled with hurt and pain. Infact, even writing this entry tonight I feel a bit like David in many of his Psalms. In one verse I can talk about my pain and in the very next verse I can praise God for His blessings.
To that end, I'm seriously thankful to God who has provided me with several opportunities this week to pray, listen to His Word, and worship. Church, care group, chapel, all great times of drawing close to Him. I've heard from some of you this week and your emails/phone calls have ministered to me. Blessings this week have included: Malia in her elephant mask, Bailey sleeping with me, Bailey hugging me and saying "I wuv you Daddy," Caden getting a bloody nose at hoop practice, wiping the blood on his forearm and getting right back out on the court – way to go Cade!, meeting with my financial advisor and gaining some financial perspective on the next 25 years, all the kids being healthy, a good week at work.
Scattered thoughts tonight. Sorry about that, but it's right in line with my mindset.
Prayer Requests:

• That the many things on my plate that need to get done will get done
• Wisdom in making summer plans
• Prayer that the kids will not feel out of place because they don't have a mother
• Prayers that the kids will continue to enjoy going to Leigh's grave

"Father, I'm broken, I'm tired, I'm full of Your blessings, I'm in awe of Your sacrifice for me. I'm both hurting and hopeful tonight. I wish I was just hopeful but that isn't my life right now. I pray for Your presence to invade me with comfort and peace. Thank You for the gift of my three children. How precious they are to me."