Day 44

Monday, April 19, 2010
Day 44 – Campfire Feast for Two. That turned my day from being so-so to crying on the way home from work. Leigh Ann and I would often enjoy dropping the kids off at Grandmas while we ran out to a Black Angus and got the Campfire Feast for Two. Infact the day before she died, we had an unexpected date night and ended up beginning the evening at Black Angus. She worked there in college and we've always enjoyed the food. Driving home from work totally oblivious to most things, I'm at a stop light and I just happened to be staring at the same Black Angus we visited on our date night. Wham. Instant sadness. I just stared at that building thinking "we'll never eat there together again."
This hasn't happened too often but after the light turned green and I continued toward my destination I had a "chat" with God. Anger would be a good word to describe my tone. Mondays are usually tough days and after getting through a day of teaching I wasn't in the mood to get hit with another wave of grief. Just thought I'd let God know I'm not a fan of Him allowing Leigh to die when she had so much more life to live. And I'm not a fan of this new life of a single parent. It's been 6 weeks and I'm more than ready for Leigh to come back so we can continue where we left off in March. Biblically speaking I know God heard my cries but the van was quiet nonetheless.
Some built up emotions boiling over from yesterday I suppose. We forewent church to have a family breakfast at Denny's. The kids were excited but our time at Denny's could've been better. New server, busy restaurant, food took forever to come out. Kids had colored every inch of their menus and restlessness had set in. While I enjoyed time with just the four of us, I was reminded how much I miss having Leigh Ann in my life. Yes, emotionally and physically, but also in regular moments like family breakfast at Denny's. Helping managing the kids, and having some adult conversation amidst the pancakes. That would've been nice. And while I could have called up any number of family or friends to join us it's just not the same as doing Denny's with your kids and wife.
So, again it's up and down. Up and down. The "new" routine.
Some "ups" - Some down time on Saturday morning followed by Caden and Bailey's basketball games. Bay made his first basket! With a dozen or so family members coming to all his games you can imagine what the gym sounded like when his shot went in! How can you not enjoy watching 6 and 7 year olds run up and down the court playing with a mini-basketball on a short rim?! Caden also plays in the same league and is on the same team as his cousins Drew and Ryan. So I know on Saturday afternoons I'll see a bunch of Tonkinsons, Martens, and Hudsons, and that's always a good thing.
Sunday after Denny's we went to Leigh's grave. As we sat next to the grave I asked each of the children what was one of their favorite moments with Mommy. Malia blurted out, "I loved when Mommy tickled me right before bed time!" The reason this is an "up" is because Malia has been resistant to talking about Leigh Ann. It made me very happy to hear her speak up and of course it made me sad to know any more of those tickles will have to wait 'til Heaven.
Got to get out yesterday and play some golf with six buddies. So good to hang out with the boys and it didn't hurt either that I played half way decent. Certainly an "up."
Prayer Requests –

• Energy. Already in need of a nap and it's only Monday.
• Prayers for Peggy and Judy (Grandmas) as they have been watching the kids almost every weekday since the accident.
• For Leigh's Memorial Event on May 8^th. Many people have been working hard to pull this off.

"Father, I'm terribly saddened by Leigh's death. I don't understand at all the timing. Such a great loss for so many of us. Please continue to help us understand more of Your plan. Right now it's very unclear."