Thursday, April 01, 2010
26 days without Leigh - The most cruel joke someone could have played on me today would have been to tell me that the past 4 weeks were just that – a joke. That Leigh Ann was still alive and that I would be seeing her in just a few hours. Cruel because of the amount of sadness that has engulfed me. Yet for as angry as I would be for such a despicable act, I would move past that anger in a millisecond knowing I would soon see Leigh Ann again. No one has rung my doorbell yet today with that news. And I'd imagine that in the few hours left of tonight, no one will.
I wish I could write that it was a great day. One that was full of joy because of the short week (no work tomorrow), the potential rest over the weekend, and the focus on Christ's resurrection. All of these things are still true of what can take place over the next three days, but it's been a day lived with a very heavy heart, weighed down by sadness, loneliness, fear, and fatigue.
Saddened by thinking about the first holiday we'll spend without Leigh. It's not just her absence but because her absence is so final (unlike her being away this weekend but back on Monday), every aspect of the weekend will be lived in light of knowing this will be the new "norm." New activities will be introduced – putting out a basket with her name on it so the kids can write a card to mommy wishing her a Happy Easter, going to the cemetery with our Easter clothes on, taking family pictures with me and the kids. I just can't imagine Sunday being anything but sad. The day we celebrate our Savior's victory over death, yet quite honestly a day that I'm just not ready for.
It wasn't supposed to be like this. I shouldn't have to hear Bailey pray that he was so glad his school didn't burn down in the fire drill he had and then end his prayer with letting God know that he misses his mom "so much." It's not supposed to be the case where Caden has to ask his grandmother to sleep over because he's just not used to having only one adult in the house.
The loneliness is a tough one. So many times today I've wanted to text, call, or talk to Leigh Ann. Things only she'd understand. Things that I now have to bottle up. I can journal or tell someone else but it's not the same. Driving to places we'd normally drive together is becoming a bummer. Nothing earth shattering. Just quiet.
I was teaching one of my classes today out of Philippians chapter three and Paul is talking about our citizenship being in Heaven, so I started thinking about Leigh Ann being in Heaven. Then I wondered if they celebrate Easter in Heaven. This thought should have made me happy because it'd be great to think that on Sunday we could both be praising God for the resurrection of Christ. Rather it made me scared for Leigh. Don't ask me why that emotion came into play but it did. I was scared because I didn't want her to have to go to worship all by herself. I want to be there with her so she'd have someone she knew to experience her first Easter in Heaven with. I know that's a foolish thought. She's being well taken care of. Guess I just miss her so much and I want to share these new moments with her.
Rather a "down" day. Ups and downs. Ups and downs. Today was down. Upside is my chances of the next three days being down can't be that good right? Odds are in my favor that something good will be a part of the weekend. Can't come soon enough.
Wanted to leave something from Leigh's journal. As I read through her prayers to God I'm more and more enamored with her love for her King. Her prayer after reading Psalm 13 – "Lord, it's hard to even imagine a love that is pure and unfailing. Thank You my god for this attribute that I can know every minute of every day that You have a love for me like no other. Let me praise and glorify You in all that I do."
Gosh I love that woman.
The support continues. The cards/emails I get from so many telling me that Leigh Ann/this situation is on their minds which leads them to pray. The memorial fund is being added to daily. People continue to bring us meals. Today a lovely woman from our church brought over a meal and three Easter baskets. Are you kidding me? I'd say I'm shocked, but it's been like that in so many situations. People have been led by God to go out of their way to show me/kids God's love. It's been amazing to watch and be a part of. There's a part of my heart that is bleeding out, and there's another part that is full of joy. Part of that joy has come from the many ways people have expressed their love these past four weeks. It continues to be this profound love, not the Hallmark card kind of love. But this deep, deep community-type love. Amazing, amazing stuff.
Prayer Requests –
- That Easter would be about Christ and His victory over death.
- That God would comfort Bailey's heart.
- That I wouldn't try to escape the pain but rather try to see God in the pain.
- That God would bless the socks off of everyone who has prayed, supported, and encouraged us this week.
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