Day 45

Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Day 45 – Please know I long to write about a few "good" days in succession. Two days where I report nothing but good things. If today was any indication, you may be waiting a long time.
Some quotes from an author I've been reading. He lost his son at age 25 (I've changed the pronouns)…
    "Something is over. In the deepest levels of my existence something is finished, done. My life is divided into before and after."
    "All I can do is remember her. I can't experience her. She's only a memory now, not in my life. Nothing new can happen between us. Everything is sealed tight, shut in the past."
    "I've become an alien in the world, shyly touching it as it it's not mine. I don't belong any more. When someone loved leaves home, home becomes a mere house."
If I had read these two months ago I would have felt for this author. Now it's as if I wrote these words myself. He has tapped into my heart because this is exactly how I feel.
Tears have fallen freely these past few days. Today at counseling I watched Bailey play with his airplanes while waiting for Caden. Today was "wild hair" day at Bay's school. He had a faux-hawk which made him look older. Leigh Ann will never see him grow older. More tears.
The hardest thing I've ever done.


I miss the woman in the picture.


Prayer Requests –

• Is it too greedy to ask Jesus to come back tomorrow?
• Strength to get through the week.
• Wisdom in parenting Malia, Bailey, and Caden. They need their mother and I'm a struggling father on my best days. They've been extremely shortchanged.
• For summer activities. Schedule is filling up. Wisdom in not over-scheduling.

"Father, I know You can handle my pain. I know You've been there. I hope things turn around because these kind of days are hard. Very hard. Please take care of the kids. They need You."