Day 50

Sunday, April 25, 2010
Day 50 – A weekend of reality. Spent the Friday, Saturday, Sunday at the house with just me and the kids. With the exception of our scheduled outings – basketball games, dinner with friends, church, visiting Leigh's grave – it was time spent at the house. It's Sunday night and the kids are all safely in bed so I'll consider it a success. Saturday morning was by far the most difficult segment of the weekend. Throughout the week I usually begin the day by working. Saturdays are different. Saturdays mark the day Leigh Ann died. As well, it's the first day of the week where we take things a little slower. Yesterday we didn't have anywhere to go until 10:30 so we all did the "waking up" thing together. It's during these times when I notice Leigh's absence the most. A slow Saturday morning, watching cartoons, eating cereal, drinking coffee. Caden had a school fair to attend so he was excited. And I would have been too had it not been for two things: 1) I wanted Leigh to be here with me watching the kids wake up, and, 2) It was a school fair that I took the kids to on the morning Leigh died. Needless to say, as the kids were waking up I was in a battle of trying to enjoy the day the Lord had made versus dwelling on how similar our morning looked 50 days ago.
Once we arrived at the fair God seemed to step in and provide an enjoyable few hours. Just me and the kids running from bouncie to book fair to vendors peddling their wares. Spent way too much on way too little but we really did have a good time.
Our day continued with the boys playing basketball. They both did outstanding and won their respective games. The highlight had to have been at Bailey's game when Bailey got a rare defensive rebound to which the Tonkinson/Marten/Hudson gang cheered loudly. We then watched as Bay proceeded to put the ball right back up in the basket. The problem was it was other team's basket! Truly classic! Thanks for the great memory Bay!
Church was good and was needed this morning as the night before was spent pondering eternal questions. Went to dinner with some friends and explained some of the thoughts I've had as of late.

• The Bible is clear we neither marry nor are married in Heaven. So when people tell me I'll be reunited with Leigh one day that is true. But we won't be husband/wife. We won't be Mr. and Mrs. Tonkinson. I know we'll know each other in a significant way. I know we'll know we were married on Earth. But I also know we won't pick up where we left off, as a married couple. We'll be the bride and Christ will be our bridegroom. I explained to my friends that while I'm so excited to see Leigh again, and I know our reunion will be so very good, I'm sad that we won't be married. I want to know Leigh Ann as my wife and I want to pick up where we left off. I want to hug her and smother her with kisses. For as much as I'd love that, I'm pretty confident that won't happen. There will be a great reunion but I don't think there will be much happening physically. Nothing in the Bible seems to suggest there will be. And if that's true, then the last time I will have kissed Leigh Ann would have been 51 days ago. Made me sad to think that this may be the case.
• On the other hand, I told my friends, I was driving somewhere on Saturday and this thought hit me. Suppose the millennial reign of Christ is literal. Suppose after the rapture and the seven year tribulation Jesus will return and reign for a literal 1,000 years on Earth. And suppose He will reign and allow some of His saints to reign with Him. Be it right or wrong, I happen to believe in all of the above. And so while driving to one of the boys basketball games the thought occurred to me that Leigh Ann and I could possibly spend 1,000 years together in a "cleaned up" version of Earth, co-reigning with our King. We were together for 13 years and I am so thankful for those 13 years. But what would spending time with someone you truly love be like for 1,000 years?! Waking up every day and getting to spend time with my Earthly spouse for 1,000 years? I drove to the game with an incredible amount of joy in my heart. I've always viewed Heaven as this place that doesn't have time. And maybe it doesn't. But there is a season of time we find in Revelation 20, and that is the 1,000 year reign of Jesus. I got very excited to think it Leigh and I might be able to see each other every day for 1,000 years. How cool would that be?! Of course this is a pre-tribulation, pre-millennial position. If you're an amillennialist, please don't rain on my parade! Let me dream for a while!

To sum up, I'm slowly realizing that my marriage to Leigh Ann was to have lasted 13 years. That's it. I no longer have a wife, nor she a husband. If it were so she'd still be here waking up and eating cereal with me and the kids. Neither of us wanted our marriage to end after a brief 13 years. But here we are. We're both alive, she more so than me, but not married. Death has separated us for a season and we shall see each other once again. I will know her as my Earthly wife, and she will know me as her Earthly husband. Our time in Heaven will be very sweet but different than on Earth. Our focus will be on our Lord and we'll enjoy each moment worshipping Him along with billions of other saints.
I miss being married. But it's only because I had one of the best wives this world had to offer. I miss Leigh Ann.
Our wedding bands. I was able to recover Leigh's from the accident. I'm very thankful for that.