Day 36

Sunday, April 11, 2010
36 Days without Leigh – Hit again with the penetrating "bizarre" bullet this morning. A picture of Leigh is on my desktop background and while sitting down before church to get some work done for school I see her face. Immediately I'm swept up in a slew of questions/thoughts – "what are you doing today honey?" "what is Heaven like?" "I miss you so much" "we've missed you at so many events this past month" "I wish you could share with me what you've been doing" "all of this is so surreal" "I still can't believe you're gone" "please be as excited as I will be when we see each other again" "I know you're not scared but know I would do anything to be with you" "life is hard but we're getting up each day and experiencing whatever God has for us. It will never be the same without you but we're trying to make the best of it"
All of this, plus the crying, all because I see a picture of her. Guess it's all a part of it.
Kids had a relatively good week. Caden's school gave away D-back tickets to one student in each grade for good conduct. Caden was selected out of the entire 4^th grade class to take two friends to Friday's Frontrow Grill and see the D-backs in June. He was so excited. On Saturday he attended a football camp at our church. Several of the Arizona Cardinals showed up and at the end they had an autograph signing. Caden's highlights were having Steve Breaston and Adrian Wilson sign his football! Malia had a Disney Tea Party at my school. She went with her good friend Annika, and Annika's mom (Andra) and Malia's Aunt Reagan chaperoned. Sounds like they had a great time dressing up and doing Disney! Bailey and Caden had basketball games on Saturday. I'm always a bit sad going to Bay's games because he is so stinkin' cut running up and down the court (not really caring much about pick and rolls or draining a 3-pointer) that I know Leigh would've loved to watch him. Caden made his first basket yesterday and was awarded the team medal for good hustle. Bay and Malia then went with my mom to a community fair in which they were donating a portion of the proceeds to the Memorial Fund. Both got their faces painted, climbed the rock wall, and jumped on the bouncies. My mom said they had a blast.
All to say, with the help and support of everyone, things are moving along. We're staying "normally busy," which is good for the kids.
Two things we've introduced as "normals" are: attending Leigh's grave every Sunday after church, and weekly counseling for the kids. So far so good on both accounts.
I know this is totally off-track but one thing I was able to convince Leigh Ann of during our marriage was that watching golf was actually a good thing! She became a huge Phil Mickelson fan and we literally enjoyed coming home on Sundays if Phil was in the mix and watching him play. Today I'll root for the both of us as Phil is in the final pairings at the Masters. It will never be the same without Leigh but I know she'd want me to root hard for Lefty.
Wish I could say this is a new day, I'm up and ready, excited to see what lies ahead. Can't do that. But I can say, this is the day that the Lord has made, I will rejoice and be glad in it. Rejoicing has become an inward feeling of confidence and security that God is in control of this day. He was in control on March 6^th and is in control of today. Being glad in today doesn't mean trials won't exist. I think being glad means I have a right relationship with God. He's in control, He's the Creator, He's the Giver of good things (as I write this my three kids wake up, one at a time, and slowly make their way to the living room, coming over and giving me a big hug. He is the Giver of good things isn't He!)
"Father, somewhat of a sad morning. But a good morning nonetheless. I'm slowly understanding that those two feelings can co-exist. Not wanting this to be true of the rest of my life or the rest of the kids' lives, but for today I'm thankful for the 'good' part of the equation. I pray church will be full of You and that my praise will be pure. Thank You for the local church and how it has truly taken care of us. Bless them and everyone who has thought to pray and support me and the kids. I love You."