Day 73 – I thought coming off of a difficult weekend a couple weeks ago I'd see some better days. And maybe just getting through each day means progress is being made. But it feels like I'm losing the battle. The crying has turned more inward to constantly dwelling on various aspects of Leigh's death. The past few days I've thought about Leigh's life in Heaven. I'm content knowing she's there and yet so frustrated that I know nothing about her new schedule. My life is still the same – same kids, same job, same house. But her life is radically different and I don't have a clue. It's like your kid moving to Australia and never talking to you again. You know they're enjoying the scenery but you don't have the slightest idea as to what takes up their time. So you spin your wheels imagining what may or may not be true. As it relates to Leigh, not knowing what her new life is like doesn't bring joy but rather frustration and heartache.
Another heartache issue – memories. Something will cause me to remember something about her and then I'll try to replay exactly what she was wearing and what she was saying and who else was with us. Leigh's been gone for over 70 days now. My memory often fails me and I can't remember all the specifics. Sometimes I can remember what her laugh sounded like and sometimes I can't. Sometimes I can remember what she looked like in a certain outfit and sometimes I can't. Sometimes I can remember her smile and sometimes I can't.
I woke up this morning and I can barely remember what it's like to wake up with someone else in your bedroom. What it's like to brush your teeth with someone else brushing their teeth. What it's like to have a conversation with someone while getting dressed. Basically what it's like to be married. I'm amazed at how quickly I'm forgetting these things. I guess more saddened than amazed. Being married, as most know, is hard work. One of the perks though is getting to live your life with someone, especially someone you love. So going from being with Leigh 24/7 to being totally deprived of seeing her, hearing her, smelling her, holding her, has and continues to wreak havoc on my life, starting from the moment I wake up.
For those who are wanting a few prayers to fix the situation or make me feel better, this journey may not be the one for them. I am counting on some better days in the years to come but for now it is still more of the same. Constantly thinking, constantly tired, a few bright moments each day but constantly in mental and emotional anguish. I'm sorry this isn't working out the way our culture thinks it should. Quick, easy, neat. Say a few prayers, let enough time pass, cry a little, and then move on. Believe me, I wish it would be that formulaic. I'm very, very tired of "more of the same."
Many of you are committed to being on this journey with me for as long as I'm on it. I'm grateful beyond words. On that note, I have and continue to receive dozens of cards or emails from people who are praying for me and the kids. If I don't personally thank you or personally acknowledge something you've done for us, you need to know, it's not because I'm not unbelievably thankful. My job, my kids, my emotions, are all things that sometimes prevent me from writing a "thank you card," and I honestly feel terrible about that. I am so thankful for all the encouragement we've received and I hope you take comfort in knowing that God sees everything. I've seen true community every day for the past 73 days and I'm here to tell you it's an amazing sight. Thank you.
Prayer Requests:
- Prayers for the kids as they wrap up school and begin to spend a lot of time doing "summer" things they normally did with Leigh.
- Prayers that I would let God's Word heal my wounded heart/soul/mind.
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