Day 161 - 161 days without the one I love. I don't like days like today because the emotions were so varied and therefore so hard to manage.
I was supposed to visit a Sunday School class I'll be helping teach but found out (after I had loaded up the van) the battery was dead. This set me back an hour or so. After getting a new battery I headed off to catch the final service at church. At one point I was stopped at the same intersection Leigh was killed at. It seemed like forever for the light to turn green which gave me plenty of time to stare at the exact spot where her car ended up after she was hit. I played back the last ten seconds of her life, what she might have felt during the impact, what she might have seen, what her very last thought was before getting hit, if she was excited to get home to her family. I pictured a car hitting her car so hard that it would cause it to flip and land on it's top. I stared in disbelief that at that very intersection where I was waiting to go to church, Leigh Ann was killed.
The light turned green and as I started to move I heard Matt Redman on the radio singing his famous worship song, "Better is One Day." The words, "Better is one day in Your courts, better is one day in Your house, better is one day in Your courts, than thousands elsewhere," bounced around in my car. I immediately considered Leigh Ann's current location and had no doubt that she would certainly agree with Matt's lyrics. And yet I wasn't happy. I wasn't rejoicing. I was incredibly sad. Praising God in His house will certainly be better than anything on Earth. But God has blessed Leigh and me with a great life on Earth. And Leigh loved living on Earth, she loved being with her family and friends, she loved life. Leigh was never confused about which of the two locations is the better, but she also loved everything God had blessed her with. So why couldn't God have waited a few decades before allowing her to experience Heavenly worship? I think she would have enjoyed it just the same, and there would have been a million more great memories she could have made with us on Earth. So the tears came hard until I got to church.
Church was great as usual, and I found myself lifting my hands in praise to God because we were singing truths like, "Everlasting God," and,"Mighty to Save." And so went the day. Sad one moment, full of praise the next.
Tomorrow begins 180 days of teaching high school students about Jesus. After spending the afternoon in my classroom putting the final preparations on my lessons I was again faced with emotions of excitement and sadness. Friends have helped me put my room together and I've made efforts to put visuals in front of the kids to have them focus on God.
Eating dinner at my in-laws tonight I remembered eating so many dinners at that very table with Leigh. I missed eating with her this evening. Not that much would have had to have been said. I just missed sitting next to her.
Kids' energy was at an all time high when we got home. Lots of screaming, dogs barking, running around the house like it was Christmas morning. I have no idea what go into them. Needless to say, I wasn't their biggest fan tonight. I love them to death but all my buttons were getting pushed, and sadly, they didn't even know they were doing it.
Leigh, you were sorely missed...again.
"Father, I don't know if 1061 days will feel like 161 days but should it, I pray you'd give me the comfort I'm searching for tonight. I know You're the everlasting God. I know You're mighty to save. I just miss Leigh Ann. Thank You for not changing based on my emotions. Thank You for being my Rock."
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