Day 171

Wednesday, August 25th, 2010

Day 171 - Many of you have asked how life has been since the kids have been back at school and I've been back at work.

The new schedule is in full-swing.  Gone are the days of working, talking to Leigh throughout the day, coming home to her and the kids, having some adult conversation over dinner, partly knowing the specifics of the kids' school work but partly not, playing with the kids, and going to bed with Leigh.  I've come to terms, ever so slowly and painfully, that those days have vanished and are never to be seen again. 

The rides to and from work are now spent in thought, prayer, and meditation.  The events that take place at work are mostly shared between me and God.  My evening is spent having my mom, or Leigh's mom, or my dad bring me up to speed on the kids, the house, the bills, etc.  Dinner is spent hearing from the kids about their days (which I thoroughly enjoy), and mentally running through what else needs to get done before bed time.  I'm informed about school activities, projects, homework, classmates, and birthday party invites.  If there's time after homework and showers the kids and I will watch a show or play a game.  The time I have after the kids are in bed is coveted though it doesn't last long.  Fatigue gets the best of me and it's off to bed.

I'm often tired and at times don't think I have what it takes to do this day after day after day.  And that's said even with the help of a small army of family and friends.  My heart breaks for those who have to do this on their own.  I would have lost my sanity many months ago had it not been for so many people acting in love, giving so much of their time to me and the kids.
 
So many things have brought Leigh Ann to mind these past few days and there's nothing I can do about it.  The pain is ever present.  I still feel the same as I did on Day 1 or 10 or 100.  I don't have words to describe how much I miss her.  One quick glance at a picture of her is all it takes to remind me of how much I lost on March 6th.  She was my helpmate, my best friend, my companion, my love, and I'd very much like her back in my life.

I guess in the spectrum of "life after someone you love dies," the kids and I are on the "managing well" side of things.  We're devastated, we're tired of this kind of life, we're wanting Leigh Ann back every minute of every day.  But we're also stronger in our faith, deeper in our love, more aware of how simple life needs to be, and living with a certain hope.  I've had the most sincere worship, the most honest conversations with God, and the most joy in Christ than I've ever had.  How that works I'm not sure.  Paul tells us that Christ's power is perfected in our weakness and that when we're weak then we're strong (2 Cor 12:9-10).  Maybe that's what I see in my kids and in those around me.  None of us like it but we're continuing to hold on dearly. 

Prayer Requests:
- Prayers for our schedules to continue to provide quality family time. 

"Father, I praise You for Your never ending love.  Your grace is sufficient for me.  I don't like what I'm going through and I so wish things were like they were 6 months ago.  But they're not and my hope and trust are now fully and completely in You.  I pray for Your peace, strength, and endurance.  May I listen to the Spirit as He continues to teach me.  Mold me."