Day 167 - Last night as I was moving some books around I found one of Leigh's nursing books. Big 'ol thick book. And as I was putting it in its new location I found a piece of her hair tucked between the pages. Just one strand. I've never stared at a piece of hair for so long. Whatever it could have or should have represented, last night that piece of hair said to me, "I'm still alive!" I was reminded in that moment that Leigh Ann not only has hair but she has a brand new body, and of course still has that beautiful smile, which she probably used 1,000 times today in Heaven.
I haven't seen or touched or held Leigh for 167 days but last night I was actually holding a piece of her. It was hard and yet so very good. Of course the night was then filled of memories of our life when Leigh was here. Too much of that can be dangerous and it certainly doesn't make for an energetic start to the morning. I woke up having to remind myself of the terrible reality I'm still living. But, as time is slowly stripping away some of the details of my memories of Leigh, it was good to remember how good life was these past 13 years.
Tonight I'll spend some time with old and new friends, having dinner and playing our/Leigh's favorite board game (Settlers of Catan). It will be the first time I'll have played that game since Leigh passed and it won't be easy. But my options are to never play the game again or to make some new memories doing something I enjoy doing. I have to believe Leigh would want me to choose the latter. And I have to believe she'd want me to win so I'll be playing to win!
The first week of being back at school was hard only because it went so well. Some mornings were spent crying on the way to school, but not nearly as much as there could have been. I know it's not recommended but I chose to keep my emotions at check this week. There were just too many times when I felt like calling Leigh, talking to her, showing her my classroom, telling her about my students, etc. and each time brought with it a flood of tears. But I put the flood walls up pretty high primarily just so I could get through each day without completely losing it. Might pay the price today and tomorrow now that I have time to breathe but I didn't know what else to do. Still on such a high learning curve regarding grieving.
My first week and Malia's first week at school without Leigh. Time to check off another "first."
Prayer Requests:
- Malia told some of her classmates what happened to her mommy. Prayers that all the kids will have the strength to be honest.
- The pace of life has picked up. Prayers that Jesus would always be my focus and that I'd take time to rest in Him.
"Father, thank You for the reminder that Leigh is alive! I cannot wait to see her again. May the days I have left be lived for You. May I fight the good fight knowing what glorious days await me in Heaven! I love You and thank You so much for my kids. Give them the strength to live life without their mother. They need You so much."
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