Day 365

Monday, March 7th, 2011

Day 365 - Last Friday I forecasted what yesterday might be like and in my "every now and then I make a good decision" wisdom I took off work today, kept the kids out of school, reserved a room at a local hotel for last night, and decided to do yesterday with just the four of us. 

By God's grace we had a wonderful time of swimming, eating junk food, turning the room down to freezing, and jumping on the beds.  But mostly we had time with each other.  In the hot tub we played "name one thing you appreciate about each other."  When it got to "one thing I appreciate about Mommy" the tears welled up but that was par for the course yesterday. 

A tremendously emotional day.  My phone blew up with emails, texts, and calls.  Very similar to Day 1.  You'd think it would've been overwhelming but it turned out to be extremely comforting.  People from around the world remembering Leigh Ann and expressing sympathy for me and the kids.  When we arrived at the cemetery we were greeted by three families all there to remember Leigh.  Every Sunday the kids and I are there alone so it was good to see others there and to grieve as a community.  Leigh's death has broken the hearts of many and yet there is something beautiful about living in pain together.  In a weird way I loved hearing how others were having a rough day.  Made me feel normal. 

Yesterday I reflected on what this past year has brought to me and the kids, our families, our friends.  Here are a few of things that came to mind:
- I'm not alone in my pain.  I've met dozens of people who could "one-up" me regarding pain.  And though Leigh was my wife, she was also a daughter, mother, sister, aunt, co-worker, and friend.  We're all experiencing her loss.  As well, everywhere I preached last year there was someone in the audience who could relate to my situation because they were in a situation of their own.  Pain doesn't invite a few to the party.  We're all invited. 
- Our days are numbered.  Death is coming and there is no escape.
- Seemingly there is no rhyme or reason as to how many days we're given.  God knows but very seldom makes the reason clear.  The timing of Leigh's death continues to frustrate me but I've also been confused at other's passings.  Children, young adults, etc.  For many of us there will always be a question mark as to "why."
- God is mysterious.  His ways are not my ways.   I'm more confused about God than I've ever been.
- The Scriptures are both comforting and complicated.  I've "sensed" God more this past year than ever before.  His Word has fulfilled it's promise of teaching me (II Tim 3:16) great things about myself, life, Heaven.  Yet I've never had more questions than I do now.  For instance:
          - I need more facts about Heaven than the Bible provides.  Did Leigh Ann know what we did yesterday?  Did she care?  What will love look like between us?  How will she relate to the kids?  Of course this leads me to think macro-thoughts about Heaven including: How much free will do we possess in Heaven? How will what I experience on Earth affect me in Heaven?  If I can't sin in Heaven how will I experience joy, for on this side of Heaven often joy is a result of suffering.
          - Prayer is a mystery.  Does prayer truly change things?  Is God dependent on people's prayers for healing, provision, blessings?  Is God's Sovereign will affected by prayer?  How come the answer to our prayers seems to be very random (God heals one person but not another though they were both equally prayed for?)?  Why do we tell people prayer works but when it doesn't we say, "God's answer was 'no'?"  Seems like a religious win-win without any way to disagree.
          - My purpose on Earth isn't as clear as it used to be.  Why was I created?  To be tested as to whether I would respond to the Gospel?  We talk of purpose in terms of "knowing God and making Him known," but that seems to make more sense when talking of someone who is older in age.  What about the child who dies a painful death?  What was their purpose?  To say, "God only knows" again seems like a religious win-win. 
-  My worship has never been more pure.  My intimacy with God has been authentic.  I care less about what others think knowing God is my only Audience. The words I sing have more meaning because I picture what Leigh is experiencing and I'm left with the choice of either believing or not.  I choose to believe.
-  I live with a great deal of hope. I know that sounds contradictory to some things noted above but somehow it's true.  I believe Heaven is just around the corner and though I'm confused I trust the Word.  Jesus is there, Leigh is there, and Heaven will be magnificent. 
-  God is good.  My kids and I have been blessed by God this past year in indescribable ways.  Though I'm confused by Him I'm also in awe of Him.  I've experienced His peace, His comfort, His healing, and His love in new ways this past year.  Things only He could have done for me.  I'm grateful He hasn't abandoned me in my darkest hour.
-  I'm less bound by "stuff."  If I need something I'll ask you for it.  If I have something you need, come and get it - seriously.  This principle began because of the outpouring of support the kids and I have experienced.  Meals, money, acts of service continue to come our way.  We don't deserve any of it and yet it keeps coming.  And so I've tried to be pro-active in giving.  I'm not taking any of it with me and there are so many in need.  And to bring it down to every day living, how fun is it to do something nice for someone?  Try picking up the tab every now and then.  It's hilariously fun.   
-  I'm in this for the long haul with my kids.  Caden, Bailey, and Malia are mine and though there are days we're not the best of friends our relationship has forever changed.  Our love for each other continues to drill down past what I've ever experienced with anyone sans Leigh Ann.  This past year it's just been the four of us and it's looking to be a repeat this year.  This doesn't take away from the countless hours family and friends have invested in our lives.  But at the end of the day the kids are my responsibility and for now I'm up for the challenge.
-  I'm less dependent on people and more dependent on Christ.  I don't know if I'll re-marry.  I do know Jesus is all I need.  Should He provide a helpmate, I won't fight it.  But if that never happens my identity will still be found in Him.  I'll still be whole and perfectly capable of living a successful life. 

All to say I'm launching into "year two" as a confused, imperfect, father of three, who is choosing to live by faith in the One who deserves my heart, mind, and soul. 

One day at a time...