Tuesday, February 8th, 2011
Day 338 - Leigh's Blankies
A good friend took her cue from the Lord and has begun a ministry, "Leigh's Blankies." I'll let her describe it to you...
http://leighsblankies.blogspot.com
God continues to use Leigh Ann's passing for His glory in ways that amaze us all and I can only be grateful for that. I know Leigh has to be shaking her head thinking, "you've got to be kidding me" but it seems fitting based on how much she meant to all of us, how much we miss her, and how much we want others to know of the love of Christ.
And while I'm excited for what He might do through this ministry I can't help but be heartbroken tonight over hearing recent news of what many of you have been praying for in little Kate McRae. According to her mother's most recent post (http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/mcraekate), the preliminary PET scans are showing positive results for cancer. We continue to pray.
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Saturday, February 5, 2011
Day 335
Saturday, February 5th, 2011
Day 335 - Leigh Ann's Birthday today
She would have been 36 years old. How much I loathe writing "would have been." One year ago she was alive and well, we were all wishing her a happy 35th. A supervisor in nursing, a mother of three, happily married, looking forward to whatever else life had for her. Leigh Ann was someone you wanted to be around and you especially loved being around her on this day because it was one of the few days when you could brag on her and there was nothing she could do about it.
Malia doesn't understand why we're not going to have balloons and cake and presents. I think the obvious has escaped her - there's no one here to open the presents and blow out the candles. The Person of Honor is gone. A surreal day which has gone from years of celebrating with family and friends to now stopping by a cemetery to remember what was.
The kids and I made our way to the grave site this afternoon picking up some balloons and flowers along the way. When we arrived we noticed several others had already stopped by leaving tokens of their love. A complete tragedy when family and friends are leaving flowers and cards on a gravestone instead of handing them to someone at a party. First birthday I've been a part of that was anything but enjoyable.
Day 335 - Leigh Ann's Birthday today
She would have been 36 years old. How much I loathe writing "would have been." One year ago she was alive and well, we were all wishing her a happy 35th. A supervisor in nursing, a mother of three, happily married, looking forward to whatever else life had for her. Leigh Ann was someone you wanted to be around and you especially loved being around her on this day because it was one of the few days when you could brag on her and there was nothing she could do about it.
Malia crawled into bed with me around six this morning. Still in a sleepy state of mind I almost whispered, "Happy Birthday Sug." I've had the pleasure for 13 years to say those words so it's a hard habit to break.
Malia doesn't understand why we're not going to have balloons and cake and presents. I think the obvious has escaped her - there's no one here to open the presents and blow out the candles. The Person of Honor is gone. A surreal day which has gone from years of celebrating with family and friends to now stopping by a cemetery to remember what was.
The kids and I made our way to the grave site this afternoon picking up some balloons and flowers along the way. When we arrived we noticed several others had already stopped by leaving tokens of their love. A complete tragedy when family and friends are leaving flowers and cards on a gravestone instead of handing them to someone at a party. First birthday I've been a part of that was anything but enjoyable.
We cried a lot then prayed, each of us letting Leigh know how much we miss her. The kids headed to the van and I stayed by the grave for just a few minutes longer. I wanted some alone time and though I should've wished her a Happy Birthday the only words that could come out in between the sobs were how much I hate this new life.
Why God would allow such a person to leave us so early I'll never quite understand.
I missed wishing you a Happy Birthday today Sug.
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Day 331
Tuesday, February 1st, 2011
Day 331 - Friends of mine, Holly and Aaron McRae need your prayers immediately for their daughter Kate. Please read about her situation and then go to the Father on their behalf. Please.
http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/mcraekate
Day 331 - Friends of mine, Holly and Aaron McRae need your prayers immediately for their daughter Kate. Please read about her situation and then go to the Father on their behalf. Please.
http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/mcraekate
Day 331
Tuesday, February 1st, 2011
Day 331 - February has started off on the wrong foot. Had to put one of our Shelties down today - Scrappy. He hadn't eaten for close to two weeks. Liver failure is what the vet told us.
Leigh's birthday is this Saturday, Bailey's is the week after. Prayers that we can get through.
Saturday, January 29, 2011
Day 328
Saturday, January 29th, 2011
Day 328 - My bedroom looks quite different as you can imagine. Shortly after Leigh passed it became the "storage shed" for furniture. Now it's housing all the exercise equipment. I was working out (using that term very loosely) a couple nights ago and saw a few pictures of Leigh on the wall. I'll think about different things when I see pictures of her, different memories. That night my thoughts went to all the times we struggled as a couple which led to feelings of regret. While people have talked to me about the possibility of remarriage I realized that for Leigh Ann I was to be her only husband. God knew Leigh would live 35 years and she'd only be married once - to me. And so, between sets, I graded myself. Thirteen years worth of marriage, how did I do?
I've been told in grieving it's natural to focus on the mistakes rather than the blessings, the do-overs you'll never get, the things you can never change. Though Leigh and I had some very good times I immediately went to the arguments, disagreements, frustrations, and disappointments. I remembered the many times I let Leigh Ann down, so many unnecessary fights, so many wasted tears. I looked at the pictures on the wall of us smiling and wondered if she was simply posing - going through the motions. Obviously sadness flooded my heart.
As God has been good to me and had provided these past 10 months so He did again in my bedroom. Feeling pretty bad about how I handled our marriage I happened to glance at Leigh's nightstand. For some reason I haven't cleaned it off and so there lay on top two or three of her prayer journals. Shortly after she died I read many of her entries but then put them down and haven't picked them up for months. I don't look at her side of the bed too often and forgot they were even there. And for no good reason I picked up the one that was on top and flipped to the entry that was marked what I thought was the date - January 26th. I had my dates wrong and the date was actually January 27th (ironically, Leigh had made no entry for the 27th). This happened to be a journal she kept several years ago when it was just her, me, and Caden. This is what I read, "What a tremendous blessing You have given me in Greg..."
I'm smart enough to know Leigh could have filled 10 journals on how I could've been a better husband and better father. But God knew on that night I needed to hear from her that it wasn't all bad. That our marriage had just as many spectacular times as it did challenges. So He directed my eyes to "what a tremendous blessing You have given me in Greg..."
Tears flowed and I'm not really sure how the rest of the workout went. My heart went from deep regret to calm and content.
In my moment of need God showed up.
"For I am the LORD your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you." - Isaiah 41:13
"Father, thank You for helping me the other night. Thank You for Leigh Ann and the great times we had, and though I wish there were more, I thank You for the 13 years we were husband/wife."
Day 328 - My bedroom looks quite different as you can imagine. Shortly after Leigh passed it became the "storage shed" for furniture. Now it's housing all the exercise equipment. I was working out (using that term very loosely) a couple nights ago and saw a few pictures of Leigh on the wall. I'll think about different things when I see pictures of her, different memories. That night my thoughts went to all the times we struggled as a couple which led to feelings of regret. While people have talked to me about the possibility of remarriage I realized that for Leigh Ann I was to be her only husband. God knew Leigh would live 35 years and she'd only be married once - to me. And so, between sets, I graded myself. Thirteen years worth of marriage, how did I do?
I've been told in grieving it's natural to focus on the mistakes rather than the blessings, the do-overs you'll never get, the things you can never change. Though Leigh and I had some very good times I immediately went to the arguments, disagreements, frustrations, and disappointments. I remembered the many times I let Leigh Ann down, so many unnecessary fights, so many wasted tears. I looked at the pictures on the wall of us smiling and wondered if she was simply posing - going through the motions. Obviously sadness flooded my heart.
As God has been good to me and had provided these past 10 months so He did again in my bedroom. Feeling pretty bad about how I handled our marriage I happened to glance at Leigh's nightstand. For some reason I haven't cleaned it off and so there lay on top two or three of her prayer journals. Shortly after she died I read many of her entries but then put them down and haven't picked them up for months. I don't look at her side of the bed too often and forgot they were even there. And for no good reason I picked up the one that was on top and flipped to the entry that was marked what I thought was the date - January 26th. I had my dates wrong and the date was actually January 27th (ironically, Leigh had made no entry for the 27th). This happened to be a journal she kept several years ago when it was just her, me, and Caden. This is what I read, "What a tremendous blessing You have given me in Greg..."
I'm smart enough to know Leigh could have filled 10 journals on how I could've been a better husband and better father. But God knew on that night I needed to hear from her that it wasn't all bad. That our marriage had just as many spectacular times as it did challenges. So He directed my eyes to "what a tremendous blessing You have given me in Greg..."
Tears flowed and I'm not really sure how the rest of the workout went. My heart went from deep regret to calm and content.
In my moment of need God showed up.
"For I am the LORD your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you." - Isaiah 41:13
"Father, thank You for helping me the other night. Thank You for Leigh Ann and the great times we had, and though I wish there were more, I thank You for the 13 years we were husband/wife."
Monday, January 24, 2011
Day 323
Monday, January 24th, 2011
Day 323 - When Leigh and I were married from time to time there would be an occasion where one of us would be out of town leaving the other at home alone. When Leigh was gone and I was home it felt like a mini-vacation in the sense that it just felt different. And in all honesty it wasn't half-bad. Making decisions on my own, eating what I wanted, staying up late. Being married for 13 years can make a guy forget what it's like to be single. How things have changed.
Different for me now would be having someone to talk to after the kids go to bed. Different would be not having to know where the kids are every minute of the day. Different would be saying "good night" to someone as I climb into bed. Different would be telling another adult "I love you" (or hearing it for that matter). Different would be looking over at the passenger's seat and seeing someone. Different would be watching someone get the kids ready for church. Different would be showing up to an event with someone.
Widow, single, single parent, whatever the label it all equates to one thing - different. Things now are just different.
Had a mild case of emotional schizophrenia tonight. Getting ready for bed I took the pillows off of Leigh's side and tossed them to the ground. I keep pillows on her side though they're never used. I instantly felt alone. The room felt larger than normal and more quiet than usual. It dawned on me that for over 300 days no one has slept in our bed but me (the occasional son/daughter has slipped in every now and then), which I'm fully aware of but was nonetheless hit with feeling incredibly alone. That feeling triggered feeling angry toward the kid who killed Leigh Ann. I was instantly back at the funeral home looking at her in the casket trying to get a grip on the reality that she is dead. It was a senseless death and so I'm angry. And just as soon as I'm at the height of anger I'm challenged with the thought of my present life which, though single and difficult, is intact because of my friendship with Jesus. That He is in my bedroom with me and though I miss the interaction with another human I will always have Christ. So I'm brought from anger to a quiet peace. Alone, angry, peace.
I long for the day when it's just peace.
Prayer Requests:
- The kids continue to miss Leigh Ann. Prayers for their hearts to be filled with God's peace.
- I continue to struggle with being alone. Prayers for continued trust in God's timing.
"Father, how deep is Your love for us. Thank You for not leaving me even in my darkest hour. May my strength to get up each day and put on a smile be only because of the news I can share with others - that there is hope in the One who saved me. You alone are worthy of my praise."
Day 323 - When Leigh and I were married from time to time there would be an occasion where one of us would be out of town leaving the other at home alone. When Leigh was gone and I was home it felt like a mini-vacation in the sense that it just felt different. And in all honesty it wasn't half-bad. Making decisions on my own, eating what I wanted, staying up late. Being married for 13 years can make a guy forget what it's like to be single. How things have changed.
Different for me now would be having someone to talk to after the kids go to bed. Different would be not having to know where the kids are every minute of the day. Different would be saying "good night" to someone as I climb into bed. Different would be telling another adult "I love you" (or hearing it for that matter). Different would be looking over at the passenger's seat and seeing someone. Different would be watching someone get the kids ready for church. Different would be showing up to an event with someone.
Widow, single, single parent, whatever the label it all equates to one thing - different. Things now are just different.
Had a mild case of emotional schizophrenia tonight. Getting ready for bed I took the pillows off of Leigh's side and tossed them to the ground. I keep pillows on her side though they're never used. I instantly felt alone. The room felt larger than normal and more quiet than usual. It dawned on me that for over 300 days no one has slept in our bed but me (the occasional son/daughter has slipped in every now and then), which I'm fully aware of but was nonetheless hit with feeling incredibly alone. That feeling triggered feeling angry toward the kid who killed Leigh Ann. I was instantly back at the funeral home looking at her in the casket trying to get a grip on the reality that she is dead. It was a senseless death and so I'm angry. And just as soon as I'm at the height of anger I'm challenged with the thought of my present life which, though single and difficult, is intact because of my friendship with Jesus. That He is in my bedroom with me and though I miss the interaction with another human I will always have Christ. So I'm brought from anger to a quiet peace. Alone, angry, peace.
I long for the day when it's just peace.
Prayer Requests:
- The kids continue to miss Leigh Ann. Prayers for their hearts to be filled with God's peace.
- I continue to struggle with being alone. Prayers for continued trust in God's timing.
"Father, how deep is Your love for us. Thank You for not leaving me even in my darkest hour. May my strength to get up each day and put on a smile be only because of the news I can share with others - that there is hope in the One who saved me. You alone are worthy of my praise."
Friday, January 21, 2011
Day 320
Friday, January 21st, 2011
Day 320 - No prayer requests or prayers, just a brief post tonight...If words carried weight these next four would crush a small planet - I miss Leigh Ann. That may or may not mean much to anyone else and that's okay. I saw a picture of her today while I was teaching and I was instantly brought to a place of missing my wife so very much. Life was right with Leigh Ann.
Day 320 - No prayer requests or prayers, just a brief post tonight...If words carried weight these next four would crush a small planet - I miss Leigh Ann. That may or may not mean much to anyone else and that's okay. I saw a picture of her today while I was teaching and I was instantly brought to a place of missing my wife so very much. Life was right with Leigh Ann.
Monday, January 17, 2011
Day 316
Monday, January 17th, 2011
Day 316 - Knowing the kids will one day read these entries and probably wonder what their dad was experiencing that first year of losing his wife I wanted them to know that today, 316 days since this journey began, I miss their mother so very much. Life continues to move forward and I anticipate better days ahead but today I simply wanted to spend the day with Leigh Ann. So if the kids ever wonder when I "moved on," it wouldn't be today.
I remember Leigh going on a mission trip in college. We'd been dating for two years and I knew when she returned I was going to ask her to marry me. The 60 days she was gone seemed like an eternity. I'd note in my journal that we only had 36 days left, or 15 days left. The anticipation grew by the minute. And when I saw her again for the first time at the airport our embrace lasted a very long time. I can still picture it in my head. I knew I wanted to spend my life with this beautiful, godly girl, and I couldn't wait for our adventure as a married couple to begin.
We're now apart once again. This time I'm the one on the "mission trip." I'd like to think she's counting down the days 'til our reunion though that's probably wishful thinking. I know we're in Heaven to glorify God and what a joy that will be, but my flesh wishes the first thousand years could be spent just with my wife, enjoying married life with her. No fighting, we both know what true sacrificial love looks like, we both look great, and we get to live in a mansion! How stinkin' cool would that be?!
I dream that because truth be told I'd give anything to be married to Leigh Ann again right now. I wouldn't care if we lived in a shack and didn't have two nickels to rub together. Just being able to spend time with her again as her husband would make life instantly better. It could rain every day for a year and I'd wake up grinning ear to ear. Heck, I don't know if I'd even go to sleep. I'd spend the first half of the night just watching Leigh sleep and the second half thanking God that I'm her husband.
I can't dwell on this for very long because none of this will ever come true. The pain I know so well will return, the tears will flow, and I'll be no closer to her. So know I'll call it a night and with the little energy I have I'll try to continue to believe that God's plan is good (Rom 8:28).
"Father, please let Leigh Ann know that she deserved much better when she was on Earth but if it's any consolation I now know that. And if I could have a second chance she'd be very impressed with what I've learned these past 10 months. Please give her my best. Thank You for saving her."
Day 316 - Knowing the kids will one day read these entries and probably wonder what their dad was experiencing that first year of losing his wife I wanted them to know that today, 316 days since this journey began, I miss their mother so very much. Life continues to move forward and I anticipate better days ahead but today I simply wanted to spend the day with Leigh Ann. So if the kids ever wonder when I "moved on," it wouldn't be today.
I remember Leigh going on a mission trip in college. We'd been dating for two years and I knew when she returned I was going to ask her to marry me. The 60 days she was gone seemed like an eternity. I'd note in my journal that we only had 36 days left, or 15 days left. The anticipation grew by the minute. And when I saw her again for the first time at the airport our embrace lasted a very long time. I can still picture it in my head. I knew I wanted to spend my life with this beautiful, godly girl, and I couldn't wait for our adventure as a married couple to begin.
We're now apart once again. This time I'm the one on the "mission trip." I'd like to think she's counting down the days 'til our reunion though that's probably wishful thinking. I know we're in Heaven to glorify God and what a joy that will be, but my flesh wishes the first thousand years could be spent just with my wife, enjoying married life with her. No fighting, we both know what true sacrificial love looks like, we both look great, and we get to live in a mansion! How stinkin' cool would that be?!
I dream that because truth be told I'd give anything to be married to Leigh Ann again right now. I wouldn't care if we lived in a shack and didn't have two nickels to rub together. Just being able to spend time with her again as her husband would make life instantly better. It could rain every day for a year and I'd wake up grinning ear to ear. Heck, I don't know if I'd even go to sleep. I'd spend the first half of the night just watching Leigh sleep and the second half thanking God that I'm her husband.
I can't dwell on this for very long because none of this will ever come true. The pain I know so well will return, the tears will flow, and I'll be no closer to her. So know I'll call it a night and with the little energy I have I'll try to continue to believe that God's plan is good (Rom 8:28).
Saturday, January 15, 2011
Day 314
Saturday, January 15th, 2011
Malia had the opportunity to spend the afternoon/evening with Grandma Peggy so I took advantage of the day and made it a "boys day/night out." Caden and I watched every second of the Steelers beating the Ravens. What a fun time it was to see my son get as excited as me! Then it was on to the mall for some shopping, eating, and playing. While we all continue to miss Leigh Ann (Bay made a toast "to mommy" at dinner), it was a precious few hours walking around with the boys.
"Children are a gift from the LORD; they are a reward from him." - Psalm 127:3 (NLT)
"Father, thank You for the little moments in life. Thank You for my sons. May they grow up to be men of God who love You more than life itself. May Leigh Ann know we miss her so much but we're trying our best to be a happy family."
Malia had the opportunity to spend the afternoon/evening with Grandma Peggy so I took advantage of the day and made it a "boys day/night out." Caden and I watched every second of the Steelers beating the Ravens. What a fun time it was to see my son get as excited as me! Then it was on to the mall for some shopping, eating, and playing. While we all continue to miss Leigh Ann (Bay made a toast "to mommy" at dinner), it was a precious few hours walking around with the boys.
"Father, thank You for the little moments in life. Thank You for my sons. May they grow up to be men of God who love You more than life itself. May Leigh Ann know we miss her so much but we're trying our best to be a happy family."
Monday, January 10, 2011
Day 309
Monday, January 10th, 2011
Day 309 - Back rubs. I miss giving and getting back rubs. Put the kids to bed, sat down on the couch and was reminded by my sore neck that I miss back rubs. It's the little things that, added up, make this journey what it is.
Received texts from a few friends today letting me know I'm in their prayers. Obviously God's timing as I've been more tired than usual. Not physically sick, just tired/overwhelmed. So hearing that others are praying for me are literally words that possess strength.
Something else that I found encouraging...yesterday I did some last-minute preaching as a friend had to make an emergency trip out of town. I shared a bit of my story with the congregation and after both services there were several who approached me to share their story. A high school freshman wanted to let me know he lost his mother when he was seven. A young woman wanted me to know her co-worker was killed three months ago leaving behind his new bride. A woman, my age, wanted me to know she lost her husband 14 years ago, was a single mom for the first seven years that followed, and is now remarried with a family double the original size. These "strangers" suddenly felt like family. We could stare into each other's eyes and sense an immediate connection. A familiarity as we swapped pains and heartaches.
At the end of the second service a man approached me to share his story. My age, three children, lost his wife two years ago, has not remarried. We might as well have known each other for 20 years there was that much of a kindred spirit.
I drove away drained, but it was a good drained. I also drove away thanking God that His plans are not ours. What seemed like I was going to do some "pinch-hit preaching" turned out to be exactly what several people needed, myself more than anyone.
May I continue to stay open to the opportunities put before me. Life is too short not to.
"Father, thank You for allowing me to see you at work. I don't deserve it. I pray for those who are grieving, those who feel lost and confused. May they meet You this week in a new way. May they find their rest in You tonight."
Day 309 - Back rubs. I miss giving and getting back rubs. Put the kids to bed, sat down on the couch and was reminded by my sore neck that I miss back rubs. It's the little things that, added up, make this journey what it is.
Received texts from a few friends today letting me know I'm in their prayers. Obviously God's timing as I've been more tired than usual. Not physically sick, just tired/overwhelmed. So hearing that others are praying for me are literally words that possess strength.
Something else that I found encouraging...yesterday I did some last-minute preaching as a friend had to make an emergency trip out of town. I shared a bit of my story with the congregation and after both services there were several who approached me to share their story. A high school freshman wanted to let me know he lost his mother when he was seven. A young woman wanted me to know her co-worker was killed three months ago leaving behind his new bride. A woman, my age, wanted me to know she lost her husband 14 years ago, was a single mom for the first seven years that followed, and is now remarried with a family double the original size. These "strangers" suddenly felt like family. We could stare into each other's eyes and sense an immediate connection. A familiarity as we swapped pains and heartaches.
At the end of the second service a man approached me to share his story. My age, three children, lost his wife two years ago, has not remarried. We might as well have known each other for 20 years there was that much of a kindred spirit.
I drove away drained, but it was a good drained. I also drove away thanking God that His plans are not ours. What seemed like I was going to do some "pinch-hit preaching" turned out to be exactly what several people needed, myself more than anyone.
May I continue to stay open to the opportunities put before me. Life is too short not to.
"Father, thank You for allowing me to see you at work. I don't deserve it. I pray for those who are grieving, those who feel lost and confused. May they meet You this week in a new way. May they find their rest in You tonight."
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
