Day 323

Monday, January 24th, 2011

Day 323 - When Leigh and I were married from time to time there would be an occasion where one of us would be out of town leaving the other at home alone. When Leigh was gone and I was home it felt like a mini-vacation in the sense that it just felt different.  And in all honesty it wasn't half-bad.  Making decisions on my own, eating what I wanted, staying up late.  Being married for 13 years can make a guy forget what it's like to be single.  How things have changed. 

Different for me now would be having someone to talk to after the kids go to bed.  Different would be not having to know where the kids are every minute of the day.  Different would be saying "good night" to someone as I climb into bed.  Different would be telling another adult "I love you" (or hearing it for that matter).  Different would be looking over at the passenger's seat and seeing someone.  Different would be watching someone get the kids ready for church.  Different would be showing up to an event with someone.

Widow, single, single parent, whatever the label it all equates to one thing - different.  Things now are just different. 

Had a mild case of emotional schizophrenia tonight.  Getting ready for bed I took the pillows off of Leigh's side and tossed them to the ground.  I keep pillows on her side though they're never used.  I instantly felt alone.  The room felt larger than normal and more quiet than usual.  It dawned on me that for over 300 days no one has slept in our bed but me (the occasional son/daughter has slipped in every now and then), which I'm fully aware of but was nonetheless hit with feeling incredibly alone.  That feeling triggered feeling angry toward the kid who killed Leigh Ann.  I was instantly back at the funeral home looking at her in the casket trying to get a grip on the reality that she is dead.  It was a senseless death and so I'm angry.  And just as soon as I'm at the height of anger I'm challenged with the thought of my present life which, though single and difficult, is intact because of my friendship with Jesus.  That He is in my bedroom with me and though I miss the interaction with another human I will always have Christ.  So I'm brought from anger to a quiet peace.  Alone, angry, peace. 

I long for the day when it's just peace.

Prayer Requests:
- The kids continue to miss Leigh Ann.  Prayers for their hearts to be filled with God's peace.
- I continue to struggle with being alone.  Prayers for continued trust in God's timing.

"Father, how deep is Your love for us.  Thank You for not leaving me even in my darkest hour.  May my strength to get up each day and put on a smile be only because of the news I can share with others - that there is hope in the One who saved me.  You alone are worthy of my praise."