Day 328

Saturday, January 29th, 2011

Day 328 - My bedroom looks quite different as you can imagine.  Shortly after Leigh passed it became the "storage shed" for furniture.  Now it's housing all the exercise equipment.  I was working out (using that term very loosely) a couple nights ago and saw a few pictures of Leigh on the wall.  I'll think about different things when I see pictures of her, different memories.  That night my thoughts went to all the times we struggled as a couple which led to feelings of regret.  While people have talked to me about the possibility of remarriage I realized that for Leigh Ann I was to be her only husband.  God knew Leigh would live 35 years and she'd only be married once - to me.  And so, between sets, I graded myself.  Thirteen years worth of marriage, how did I do?

I've been told in grieving it's natural to focus on the mistakes rather than the blessings, the do-overs you'll never get, the things you can never change.  Though Leigh and I had some very good times I immediately went to the arguments, disagreements, frustrations, and disappointments.  I remembered the many times I let Leigh Ann down, so many unnecessary fights, so many wasted tears.  I looked at the pictures on the wall of us smiling and wondered if she was simply posing - going through the motions.  Obviously sadness flooded my heart.

As God has been good to me and had provided these past 10 months so He did again in my bedroom.  Feeling pretty bad about how I handled our marriage I happened to glance at Leigh's nightstand.  For some reason I haven't cleaned it off and so there lay on top two or three of her prayer journals.  Shortly after she died I read many of her entries but then put them down and haven't picked them up for months.  I don't look at her side of the bed too often and forgot they were even there.  And for no good reason I picked up the one that was on top and flipped to the entry that was marked what I thought was the date - January 26th.  I had my dates wrong and the date was actually January 27th (ironically, Leigh had made no entry for the 27th).  This happened to be a journal she kept several years ago when it was just her, me, and Caden.  This is what I read, "What a tremendous blessing You have given me in Greg..."

I'm smart enough to know Leigh could have filled 10 journals on how I could've been a better husband and better father.  But God knew on that night I needed to hear from her that it wasn't all bad.  That our marriage had just as many spectacular times as it did challenges.  So He directed my eyes to "what a tremendous blessing You have given me in Greg..."  

Tears flowed and I'm not really sure how the rest of the workout went.  My heart went from deep regret to calm and content.

In my moment of need God showed up.

"For I am the LORD your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you." - Isaiah 41:13

"Father, thank You for helping me the other night.  Thank You for Leigh Ann and the great times we had, and though I wish there were more, I thank You for the 13 years we were husband/wife."