Day 305

Thursday, January 6th, 2010

Day 305 - Tenth Month

Dear Leigh Ann,

The lights have come down, the tree has been put back in the box, the decorations have all but disappeared.  The holidays I've dreaded have come and gone.  I have a one-month stretch with no major ones before your birthday (2/5) so I'm going to try and take advantage of some much needed down-time. 

I was asked by someone if I'm doing better or worse since last March.  There's no easy answer but I did respond by telling him while I don't cry as much, the intense pain is stll here.  I think it's because I can't control when I come across something that triggers a memory of you.  A song, a picture, a location, a person, and in an instant I'm back at the way our lives were before 3/6/10.  This still happens dozens of times every day.  It's both the pain of not having you with me as my wife and not having you with me to be a mother to our children.  You'll always be my wife and you'll always be Caden, Bailey, and Malia's mother.  We just miss making new memories with you.

I was desperate need of you last night as Bay and I had to experience some parent/child discipline together.  He made some poor choices and after learning his fate (a brief spanking) he tried everything to stop the inevitable.  He even hid in the closet!  The discipline came and went and as we got ready for bed he asked if he could say prayers.  He bowed his head and said, "Dear Jesus, I hope you had a good time with mommy today.  I really missed her today Jesus.  Amen."  It was all I could do not to start weeping and prolong bedtime by another hour.  We're all praying those prayers Sug.  The kids and I miss you so much and we're in such need of you and your love.  I hope Jesus is keeping you busy because you're still in high demand down here. 

Single life is hard Sug.  I miss the hugs, the kisses, the talks.  I miss confiding in someone.  The bond that a husband and wife share, the non-verbals, the winks, reading each other's minds.  All of that.  I miss all of that.  I love asking the kids about their day, I love playing with them (tonight my Barbies asked Malia's Barbies if they wanted to dance so we all danced while she sang "Party in the U.S.A"), I love hearing what they're thinking.  But I can't tell you how much I miss being able to do all those things and then put them to bed and spend the rest of the night with my wife.  Remember how we'd set up Blokus after the kids were in bed?  You won just about every time!  What I wouldn't give to lose to you in a game of Blokus right now. 

You'd be so proud of the kids and how they're holding up.  This has to be so difficult for them but they're still smiling and trying the best they can to live with joy.  Caden just started voice lessons, Bay is playing basketball, and Malia starts dance next week.  So many things the kids are involved with that I wish we could enjoy together.  They're turning out to be good kids Sug.  I pray they'll always know who gave them their great foundation. 

School is in full-swing.  My students are so good at flexing with me.  They're hearing way more than they want to about my life but it's helping me to talk openly.  And wouldn't you figure that this semester I'm teaching Marriage and Family?!  Rest assured your name comes up many times throughout the day!  I love talking about you and I want everyone to know what a privelege and honor it was to be your husband.  You truly were the best. 

Sorry for this being a short letter Sug.  It's the end of the night and I'm flat-out tired.  Tomorrow will come soon enough and while I will be talking your ear off in Heaven, for now I'll have to say, "good night."  I don't know if I could miss you any more than I do.  I love you.

-Me

"Father, please take care of my kids.  They miss their mother and You have her, so I'm asking You to fill the void.  Touch their hearts even tonight.  I love You even though I don't understand why all this is happening.  I'll continue to trust in You because You are good."