Day 316

Monday, January 17th, 2011

Day 316 - Knowing the kids will one day read these entries and probably wonder what their dad was experiencing that first year of losing his wife I wanted them to know that today, 316 days since this journey began, I miss their mother so very much.  Life continues to move forward and I anticipate better days ahead but today I simply wanted to spend the day with Leigh Ann.  So if the kids ever wonder when I "moved on," it wouldn't be today.

I remember Leigh going on a mission trip in college.  We'd been dating for two years and I knew when she returned I was going to ask her to marry me.  The 60 days she was gone seemed like an eternity.  I'd note in my journal that we only had 36 days left, or 15 days left.  The anticipation grew by the minute.  And when I saw her again for the first time at the airport our embrace lasted a very long time.  I can still picture it in my head.  I knew I wanted to spend my life with this beautiful, godly girl, and I couldn't wait for our adventure as a married couple to begin.

We're now apart once again.  This time I'm the one on the "mission trip."  I'd like to think she's counting down the days 'til our reunion though that's probably wishful thinking.  I know we're in Heaven to glorify God and what a joy that will be, but my flesh wishes the first thousand years could be spent just with my wife, enjoying married life with her.  No fighting, we both know what true sacrificial love looks like, we both look great, and we get to live in a mansion!  How stinkin' cool would that be?!

I dream that because truth be told I'd give anything to be married to Leigh Ann again right now.  I wouldn't care if we lived in a shack and didn't have two nickels to rub together.  Just being able to spend time with her again as her husband would make life instantly better.  It could rain every day for a year and I'd wake up grinning ear to ear.  Heck, I don't know if I'd even go to sleep.  I'd spend the first half of the night just watching Leigh sleep and the second half thanking God that I'm her husband.

I can't dwell on this for very long because none of this will ever come true.  The pain I know so well will return, the tears will flow, and I'll be no closer to her.  So  know I'll call it a night and with the little energy I have I'll try to continue to believe that God's plan is good (Rom 8:28).

 "Father, please let Leigh Ann know that she deserved much better when she was on Earth but if it's any consolation I now know that.  And if I could have a second chance she'd be very impressed with what I've learned these past 10 months.  Please give her my best.  Thank You for saving her."