Day 300

Saturday, January 1st, 2011

Day 300 - New Year's Day

After spending the past 9 1/2 months going to bed alone, last night wasn't much different.  Had a great dinner with good friends and after they left I had a few hours until the clock struck 12.  Malia made it until 10 and the boys lasted 'til 12:30.  After the fireworks (Gilbert now allows low level fireworks) we called it a night. 

Today is a different story.  The reality of a new year juxtaposed against an entire year without Leigh Ann isn't sitting very well with me.  These are the days when couples sit down to plan out the year, make resolutions, gain a sense of anticipation of what lies ahead.  For me the day is enveloped in aloneness knowing that every day this year, no matter how wonderful, will be lived without Leigh.  The joy of a new year has been lost in sadness.  

The same old thoughts have invaded the day.  A year without hugging, kissing, holding.  The kids enduring a full year without their mother.  The countless memories that will be void of Leigh Ann.  The weight of parenting three kids alone.  I really want to be excited for this year, I just can't get there today.  By God's grace maybe tomorrow.

I'm reading another book on Heaven (90 Minutues in Heaven, by Don Piper) and am finding similar feelings of comfort and hope as when I read Heaven is for Real.  And while there are some discrepancies between the two accounts (i.e. - the age of people in Heaven, if we have wings in Heaven, etc.), both books are worth the read.  Figured I'd balance things out so I'm also reading 23 Minutes in Hell, by Bill Wiese.  A sobering reminder that not everyone is Heaven-bound. 

I'm not big on New Year resolutions especially when I know how unpredictable life is, but if I were to deem 2011 a "successful year," it'd be because: 1) I drew closer to the Lord, 2) I drew others closer to the Lord, 3) I drew closer to my kids, 4) Those who have prayed and sacrificed so much for me/kids were blessed by the Lord.  If those four things happened, amidst all the "firsts" that still are to be lived through, I'd say 2011 would be a year worth living in.

One day at a time.

"Father, thank You for not abandoning me this year.  I need You more than ever, to be a faithful child of the King, and a better father to my children.  I have absolutely no expectations only to draw near to You.  May I atleast do that."