Day 83

Day 83 – Beautiful Saturday morning. Caden had his cousin sleep over last night. Kids woke up, made everyone cinnamon rolls, and now they’re all playing outside. I’m outside as well. Front porch, on the swing, dogs (two shelties) are laying in the shade, the sun is shining. Yep. It’s a beautiful morning.


Summer is going to be much harder than I thought.


Some levity…

Day 80

Day 80 – Next week the kids and I are making our way to Disneyland. My school graciously provided a vacation for us. We’ve been looking forward to it for a month now and I’m really counting on it living up to it’s billing – “the happiest place on Earth.” Leigh Ann and I have many memories of Disney beginning with our honeymoon all the way through last summer. Though the kids are bouncing off the walls with excitement, it will be a true test for me. Like with everything, a lot of memories will come into play. My hope is the kids’ excitement and smiles will help pull me through.


Been a hard week now that school has let out. I very much enjoy the rest but there have been too many pockets of down time that would have been spent with Leigh had she been here. Times we were both looking forward to. The mentality was, “work hard during the school year and then we’ll make up for it during the summer.” Feel very short-changed on that deal. I’m ready to relax and now have no one to relax with. Plenty of people around. Just not that “one.”


I don’t have the slightest clue as to what I’m doing in terms of surviving this. Honestly I don’t. But one thing that I’ve been pressed with as of late is how simple life needs to be. Jesus tells me several times in the Gospel of John to “believe.” And the result of that belief is “eternal life.” John 3:15, 3:16, 6:29, 6:35, 6:40, 6:47, to name a few. Leigh Ann believed in Jesus and she gained eternal life (a.k.a. “Heaven”). Twenty four years ago I believed in Jesus and so I too have eternal life, as do millions of others. And the hope I live with today is that I will see Leigh Ann again because we both have done what Jesus told us to do in the above passages.


I’ve heard and read the many debates on what it means to “believe.” Maybe that will be on my heart to discuss at a later date. The past few days though I’ve been freed up to simply enjoy the simplicity of what life has really come down to – believing in the Son of God and living with the hope of Heaven.


Believing in the Son of God isn’t cheap, nor is it easy. By saying its “simple” I mean that it’s not a hard concept to understand. Christ died for your sins, He wants you to believe that He is the Messiah, the Savior, the King of Kings, God incarnate, etc., He wants you to follow Him, wherever He may lead you, and when you die you will enter into eternal life with Him. For most of us, the living out the “believing” part will equate to a lifetime of learning, screwing up, seeking forgiveness, appreciating grace, applying the greatest and second greatest commandments, helping those around us, loving the poor, etc. That’s incredibly hard and there are moments of great failure. But it’s not hard to understand.


I don’t have it figured out yet but I feel like there’s been a crack in the darkness with this new/old truth. Some light has shone through and it’s refreshing. When Leigh Ann passed away all the things that had consumed us – parenting, work, money, marriage – took a back seat to what life really is about. I still work, I still pay bills, I still parent. But I really think it’s all about believing in Christ, following Him, and when your time on Earth is over, you’ll enter into Heaven. The “simple” Gospel.


The beauty, to me, is that in “following Him,” He will take us all on different adventures. Different types of lives, different jobs, different marriages, different families, different struggles, different pains, different joys. But we’re all going to die. That much I know. And when we die it all comes back to believing in Him, following Him, and Heaven. Nothing else. Really, nothing else.


Leigh Ann wasn’t expecting to die on March 6th. She didn’t have her life completely in order, she didn’t have her parenting perfected, she didn’t have all the money she had hoped for. But she died nonetheless. She’ll never earn another dollar, she’ll never praise or discipline her kids, she’ll never have a chance to make amends. All that mattered on March 6th was if she believed in Christ. She wasn’t buried with her work, her kids, her things, her problems, or with me. Leigh Ann knew Jesus and she went Home to be with Him.


I miss Leigh Ann more than anyone could possibly know. I still cry until it hurts. But I’m also thankful beyond words that before March 6th Leigh Ann took Jesus up on His command to “believe.” And many of us got to see her live out that belief over the years, with God blessing me these past 13 years with a front row seat.


Does life really need to be that complicated?


My apologies for sounding preachy. Not my intention. Lots of thoughts rumbling around upstairs and had to let a few escape onto my laptop tonight.


Prayer Requests:


- Prayers for the Disney trip (June 1 – June 6). I know it sounds selfish to ask for prayers for a trip to Disney but you know what I mean.


- Prayers that my alone time this summer would be filled with His peace.


“Father, thank You for not making life terribly complicated. I’m sorry for the times when I’ve made it all about me. And I’m thankful that Leigh Ann took you up on your command. I’m thankful that she’s enjoying Heaven because You paid for her sins and by faith she believed. Not by her works but by Yours. Thank You for loving us so much that You’d die for us.”

Day 78

Monday, May 24, 2010



Day 78 – Was awakened last night at 12:30 a.m. by Bailey (6 yr old) climbing into my bed only to be further awakened a few minutes later by the sound of Bailey throwing up all over the bed. Poor little guy. He had been sick all day and we thought he had it beat. Apparently not. There’s nothing quite like the smell of sweet, acidic vomit in the middle of the night! I don’t think you’re officially a parent until you’re half-awake, looking at your child’s vomit and pondering, “So that’s what a cheese crisp looks like after being in a stomach for six hours. Hmm. Would’ve expected it to be more yellow.”

His throwing up made me miss Leigh Ann. Not because I needed help changing sheets (small miracle I found extra sheets) or cleaning up (though let’s be honest – if she were here I probably would’ve pretended to sleep through the whole thing). I miss her because there’s just something about a mother comforting her sick child in the middle of the night that was lacking last night. I handled it methodically – move him to the bathroom, clean him up, get him to bed, clean up mess, start laundry. Leigh would’ve done the same but she also would’ve crawled into bed with Bay and scratched his back until he fell asleep, or she would have put a wet rag on his forehead and told him everything is going to be alright. My focus was on the mess, hers would’ve been on the sick child. Bay did drift off to sleep saying “I love you daddy,” which gave me assurance that it wasn’t a total flop. Just wish Leigh was here.

Have missed my wife many times these past few days. Got up yesterday morning, made some coffee, read John 1 out on the front porch, picked up the house, vacuumed, showered, got ready for church, got the kids ready for church, and headed out. This would not have happened three months ago. I miss Leigh Ann because I wanted to show her that I do have it in me to make changes, even at my age. It felt good to get up and move around with some purpose as opposed to waiting until the last minute to get ready for church and then rush around like your head has been chopped off. Prior to Leigh’s death a typical Sunday morning would be Leigh wanting us to pick up the house before church and me wanting to drink coffee and sit around before church.

Why does it take something so traumatic for us to make changes? I have so far to go in the “change” department but even little things like yesterday a.m. make me sad that I’ll have to wait until Heaven to tell Leigh she was right about so many things.

I have no platform to dispense any marital wisdom to anyone but I will say to all the husbands out there, don’t miss opportunities to serve your wife. Rather than come up with all the reasons not to do something, I’m telling you as someone who doesn’t have the chance anymore, do the things that please your wife. Whether or not you’re jazzed about it pales to the joy it brings her knowing you love her so much that you’ll do anything for her. I live each day with some regret thinking of how I could’ve loved Leigh better, honored her more, served her more. Take advantage of the chances you still have.

My summer break begins today and while it will be busier than previous summers, it’s summer nonetheless. That means waking up a little later, having some days with nothing on the agenda, etc. As I plan out what to do in June/July I already am missing those days when there will not be much to do and so it would’ve been a great time to spend with Leigh. I’m going to miss having a “lazy day” around the house with just the two of us and the kids. I’m going to miss a spur of the moment trip to Flagstaff or a late night game-night with some friends. Yes, it is summer and the kids and I will have some great moments together. It’s not the busy days that I’m worried about. It’s the “no plans for the day” days. Guess I’m hoping there won’t be too many of them.

On a good note – had a great time at church yesterday. Good teaching and good worship. Our worship team does such a great job of playing/singing, so much so that you can’t help but spend your time focusing on the actual words being sung. Novel concept huh?! Yesterday all the words centered around Christ and God and the praise They deserve. It was so comforting to spend time praising the God who has Leigh Ann alive and well in Heaven and who has provided us a purpose here on Earth. Still have a host of questions but it wasn’t time to have them answered. It was time to get the focus off of me and onto my Savior. Felt good to do that.


Prayer Requests:

- Praise for friends of ours who delivered their baby boy on Friday!

- Prayers for kids’ health (especially Bailey). Lots of trips planned over the next 30 days and it’d be a huge bummer if any of them were sick.

- Prayers for the slow days this summer.


“Father, thank You that Leigh is experiencing and enjoying Heaven right now. I can’t wait to experience Heaven with her. I pray that our lives on Earth will be solely for Your glory whatever that may look like. Thank You for the hope of eternal life.”

Day 73

Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Day 73 – I thought coming off of a difficult weekend a couple weeks ago I'd see some better days. And maybe just getting through each day means progress is being made. But it feels like I'm losing the battle. The crying has turned more inward to constantly dwelling on various aspects of Leigh's death. The past few days I've thought about Leigh's life in Heaven. I'm content knowing she's there and yet so frustrated that I know nothing about her new schedule. My life is still the same – same kids, same job, same house. But her life is radically different and I don't have a clue. It's like your kid moving to Australia and never talking to you again. You know they're enjoying the scenery but you don't have the slightest idea as to what takes up their time. So you spin your wheels imagining what may or may not be true. As it relates to Leigh, not knowing what her new life is like doesn't bring joy but rather frustration and heartache.
Another heartache issue – memories. Something will cause me to remember something about her and then I'll try to replay exactly what she was wearing and what she was saying and who else was with us. Leigh's been gone for over 70 days now. My memory often fails me and I can't remember all the specifics. Sometimes I can remember what her laugh sounded like and sometimes I can't. Sometimes I can remember what she looked like in a certain outfit and sometimes I can't. Sometimes I can remember her smile and sometimes I can't.
I woke up this morning and I can barely remember what it's like to wake up with someone else in your bedroom. What it's like to brush your teeth with someone else brushing their teeth. What it's like to have a conversation with someone while getting dressed. Basically what it's like to be married. I'm amazed at how quickly I'm forgetting these things. I guess more saddened than amazed. Being married, as most know, is hard work. One of the perks though is getting to live your life with someone, especially someone you love. So going from being with Leigh 24/7 to being totally deprived of seeing her, hearing her, smelling her, holding her, has and continues to wreak havoc on my life, starting from the moment I wake up.
For those who are wanting a few prayers to fix the situation or make me feel better, this journey may not be the one for them. I am counting on some better days in the years to come but for now it is still more of the same. Constantly thinking, constantly tired, a few bright moments each day but constantly in mental and emotional anguish. I'm sorry this isn't working out the way our culture thinks it should. Quick, easy, neat. Say a few prayers, let enough time pass, cry a little, and then move on. Believe me, I wish it would be that formulaic. I'm very, very tired of "more of the same."
Many of you are committed to being on this journey with me for as long as I'm on it. I'm grateful beyond words. On that note, I have and continue to receive dozens of cards or emails from people who are praying for me and the kids. If I don't personally thank you or personally acknowledge something you've done for us, you need to know, it's not because I'm not unbelievably thankful. My job, my kids, my emotions, are all things that sometimes prevent me from writing a "thank you card," and I honestly feel terrible about that. I am so thankful for all the encouragement we've received and I hope you take comfort in knowing that God sees everything. I've seen true community every day for the past 73 days and I'm here to tell you it's an amazing sight. Thank you.
Prayer Requests:

• Prayers for the kids as they wrap up school and begin to spend a lot of time doing "summer" things they normally did with Leigh.
• Prayers that I would let God's Word heal my wounded heart/soul/mind.

"Father, I am out of energy to pray anything super spiritual. I'm in need. I still don't see the good in taking Leigh so soon. Please be with us who are hurting."

Day 69

Saturday, May 15, 2010
Day 69 – "Till death do us part." I happened to be looking through some files and inadvertently came across our "wedding" file. Leigh must have made the file a while back. Contains memories from our wedding – invitation, program, printed napkins from the reception, pictures of her, Peggy, and my mom going to pick out her wedding dress. And then I saw our vows. We thought we'd get a little crazy and do some hybrid vows – a few paragraphs of our own thoughts combined with some traditional wording. I can still remember the difference in our attitudes toward writing our own vows. If you knew her then you can imagine she wasn't a big fan! I probably didn't help much when during our engagement I would keep asking her about it, only to get that "look." But the day finally came. Neither of us knew what the other was going to say which made it all the more fun. Parts of mine…
    "Often when I'm alone I think of what it is about you that I love so much. I think of your smile and how your smile makes others want to do the same. I think of the times when I see you in a room and once again notice how beautiful you really are. I think of your love for children and how excited you are to begin a family. I think about how excited you are for my life and how you allow me to dream big, especially with regards to serving our Lord. And I think about how much you love Christ and desire to please Him, even above us."

Funny how 14 years later these are the things I think about now, when I'm alone. I want to see her walk into a room again and brighten it up with her infectious smile. I want to gaze at her beauty again. I want to see her face light up again because she loves being a mom.
We both ended our vows with, "…to have and to hold from this day forward, for better and for worse, for richer and for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and honor, and to cherish till death do us part, according to God's holy ordinance, and thereto I pledge thee my faithfulness."
I guess somewhere deep down I knew death would eventually "part us." Who would have imagined it would come this soon?
Being "parted by death," is something I've felt quite a bit this week. Leigh Ann and I are, in every sense of the word, apart. We're not together. And this may be true for many, many years to come.

• Tuesday we had our Senior Chapel at the high school. Seniors spoke on what their high school experience at Valley has been like. Parent were encouraged to attend and I happened to sit next to a mother who lost her husband to heart failure last Fall. She'll watch her daughter graduate next week and go off to college without her husband. This caused me to imagine eight years from now when Caden graduates and becomes a Sun Devil (already decided). Leigh Ann will not be a part of any of that.
• Tuesday night I traded in our minivan for a newer used minivan. First big purchase without Leigh. I was in need of her wisdom and discernment that night but she was not a part of any of the decision making.
• Last night I took the kids to a high school baseball game in Peoria. 54 miles each way. 108 miles is a long drive with no one in the passenger's seat. More specifically, I was longing to use that time to talk to Leigh about my week and to hear about hers, but all I could hear was Shrek 2 playing on the dvd player. The donkey and ogre were a part of the conversation but Leigh wasn't.
• Woke up this morning to Bailey's face (my 6 yr old). A great face no doubt but not Leigh's face. The queen size bed has gotten way too big for one person. The kids have done a great job of keeping me company, but anyone who has been married knows it's just not the same. Leigh is not a part of our bed anymore.

I know Leigh Ann is alive and well, more alive than she's ever been. But she's alive and well in Heaven. I am no more a part of her life right now than she is a part of mine. We have our memories but that's it. God has us both in His hands and for some reason this is "good," maybe even "best," but the reality is death has parted us. Contrary to dozens of cards I've received that have told me Leigh is still with us, guiding us, talking to us, smiling down on us (whatever that means), the truth is, we are apart. I haven't talked to her, seen her, listened to her, held her, watched her, hugged her, for 2 ½ months. So she's not here and she won't be coming back. There's great comfort in knowing she's alive in a place that is beyond description, but there's also great heartache in knowing our paths won't cross again while I'm still walking around on Earth.
Coming off a difficult weekend there were times throughout the week when I wanted to call a "time out." I was (and continue to be) in need of a break from Leigh's death. Either she needs to come back or I need to go to Heaven, even if for a few hours. Athletes, who are in top shape, get time outs for running up and down a court for only a few minutes. Where's the "time out" from death?
School is almost done. The summer activities begin in two weeks. Lots of things planned. On paper they all look great and I'm sure in some ways they will be. I know the kids will have lots of fun this summer. But it won't be a "break," or, "time out," from Leigh's death. It'll have to be a summer of many "firsts," and that's something we can't avoid. Maybe within those "firsts" God will show me some great truths to help with the heartache.
Till death do us part.
Prayer Requests:

• Praise that my school year is about done. Finals week and graduation. It'll be nice to spend a few more moments in bed.
• Prayers for Caden that he get as much out of counseling as he possibly can.
• Prayers that God would grant me extra measures of patience and understanding, especially with the kids. I love them so much.
• Praise that my school got us a trip out to Disneyland the first week of June and the kids are very excited!

"Father, you have been so good to me in so many ways. The support, the prayers, the gifts people have given. I continue to be amazed at how Leigh has touched so many lives. Thank You. I need You to fill the void that is so big in my life right now. I know You can and will. May the kids grow to love You more each day. May they experience Your love in new ways this week. May I as well."

Day 63

Sunday, May 09, 2010
Day 63 – The weekend is almost over. That's a good thing for me. It ended up being worse than I anticipated, and yet not without significant moments of God at work. The ongoing dualistic-type of life I seem to be a part of. One moment I can give God thanks for the blessings and the very next my heart is being filleted open for the thousandth time. Because Easter went relatively well I thought I'd be able to handle our anniversary (Thursday), the memorial benefit (Saturday), and Mother's Day. I grossly underestimated the power of pain and naively overestimated my ability to "weather the storm."
My anniversary day was the beginning of the "dark clouds" rolling in. The day was spent at work, at Bailey's school performance, and at home. A few "Happy Anniversary" notes/emails, but for the most part people purposefully avoided acknowledging what that day had meant to Leigh and me for the past 14 years. Every room I went in the "elephant" was there to greet me. Most everyone avoided the subject and I didn't want to bring it up. Should have been a great day of celebrating. Now it's just weird. Almost like a day you just want to get through so you can move on to the next. After work I went to the cemetery to wish Leigh a Happy Anniversary. Cried hard. Just didn't seem real that I was spending my anniversary at the cemetery. Crying makes you tired and maybe that's why this evening I feel exhausted. Been crying a lot.
On Saturday the dark clouds were split open with rays of bright sunshine. Six hundred or so people came out to Marley Farms to show me and the kids what love in action looks like. What an amazing expression of kindness. I spent the three hours giving hundreds of hugs, talking to many people, chasing the kids around, watching everyone have a good time. It was tiring, but well worth it. Though the kids were present it may take several years before they realize just how many people chose to show up and celebrate Leigh's life. Friends, family, co-workers, people I haven't seen in years, etc. I could spend the next few pages thanking everyone who spent countless hours putting it all together. I will mention Kristen Desmangles (Harbold) because she was the impetus behind the event. She was the event chairperson and did a absolutely remarkable job. Forever grateful to her.
Another ray of light on Saturday came when I had the opportunity, after the boys basketball games, to serve food at the Phoenix Rescue Mission. My Bible Study group all met and served dinner for a couple hours to people in need. It wasn't a huge deal other than it was a good break for me to go from being served to actually doing some serving. It felt good to give back even if it was just a little. Enjoyed good fellowship with the couples in my group. A nice way to end a long day.
After putting the kids to bed Saturday I was reminded by how tired I was that this (single parenting) is my new reality. This isn't a test to see if I'd make a good parent. No one is going to knock on the door and tell me it's over. Raising three kids, even with all the help (and I have tons of help), is exhausting. Always something to do, someone in need of something. And it's less than exciting to think tomorrow will be more of the same. More baths to give, more backs to scratch, more shoes to tie, more toys to pick up, more telling the kids to be nice to each other, more trying to find lost things, more times to say "what?" every time someone says, "Dad?" And no more of being able to tell Leigh things that I'm going through. Little things, work things, friend things, family things, kid things. No things. It's that combination of extremely busy with life and no spouse to share this busy life with that often feels like a 1-2 knockout punch. Maybe the prayers of the saints and God's goodness is what helps me get up off the canvas each day because for some reason I keep getting up.
This morning I decided we'd forego church. I thought I'd be up for it but emotionally I just didn't want to hear a bunch of "Happy Mother's Day" announcements and not have a place to express my sadness. Took the kids to McDonalds and then headed off to the cemetery. Pulled in a realized we were not alone in our grieving. Many people standing around gravestones thinking about a wife, mother, grandmother, aunt, sister. We made our way to Leigh's grave and the "dark clouds" had rolled in once again. I wanted to celebrate her life, her being an awesome mother, her being an influence to other moms, but all I could feel was immense sadness that she couldn't be honored today. I felt like she was getting ripped off.

(Stole this idea from a book I'm reading on grieving). I bought three helium balloons with us to the grave (I ended up paying for six as three of them ended up on the ceiling at Albertsons!). I had markers and told the kids to write a message to mommy and after they were done writing I told them we'd release them up to Heaven. I have a lot to learn about the logistics of balloon launches (two of the balloons popped. I had to collect all the pieces and tie them to the final balloon. Due to the added weight, the balloon just made it over the hedges at the cemetery and my guess is it landed in someone's yard a few hundred yards away!), but it was good that the kids got to write notes to Leigh. Bay's note, "Dear Mom, I'm sorry about dying, and Happy Mother's Day." I couldn't agree more. I'm so sorry Leigh had to die and today the weight of her death seemed especially heavy.
Went to Peggy's to swim and went bowling with my mom's side of the family. Normally fun events but for me they were both just different. A sad kind of fun. Just not the same.
I'm very glad we have a stretch before any more major holidays. Maybe someday they'll be times of celebrating. Today it was a race just to get through it.
Prayer Requests:

• Praise that the memorial event went so well. Thank you to all who attended, prayed, gave. It is something we'll look back on with such fond memories.
• Praise to all of you who thought of me and the kids this weekend. Many of you are mothers and I'm thankful that on a day where you're being honored you'd take time to think of us and pray.
• Prayers that the next two weeks of school would be manageable for me. I'm running on fumes and the end of the year is in sight so I think I can make it.
• Prayers for an easy week. I'm in need of a great amount of patience, especially with the kids.

"Father, thank You for people who want to express Your love to me and the kids. Bless them. I pray for wisdom and patience. I'm tired and lonely. I don't know why Leigh had to go so soon. It makes me frustrated and angry. I know You're good but I'm struggling to see that. Why couldn't the kids have a mother they could wish a 'Happy Mother's Day' to? She was such a great mom. I pray she would know today that she is missed beyond expression."

Day 60

Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Day 60 – May 6, 1996
We got married on a Monday night 14 years ago. The best Monday night of my life. I wish tomorrow could be spent waking up, hugging, kissing, and wishing each other a Happy 14^th Anniversary. I wish that more than anything in the world. Knowing what I know now about life, love, and missed opportunities, I promise you Leigh, it would have been the best anniversary you ever knew.
I won't have that opportunity. The best I can do is to go to work, go to the cemetery, and spend tomorrow remembering what we had. And maybe through the tears I'll smile now and then, because we did have some great times.
Happy 14^th Sug. I love you so much.
This isn't getting any easier.
Prayer Requests:

• For all holidays, anniversaries, and birthdays to be done away with. Oh how I wish.
• For the kids to have great memories of their mother on Mother's Day.
• For the Memorial Event on Saturday to come off well. So many people have put in lots of hours. I'm so grateful.

"Father, thank You for such a wonderful woman to be married to."

Day 58

Monday, May 03, 2010


Day 58 – Mondays are the hardest.  New week with so much potential, but also another seven days living without Leigh.  Thought I had a beat on this grieving thing until on my way to work I heard the song, "Save a Place for Me," by Matthew West.  Some of the lyrics…
          You know I bet it feels good to have the weight of this world
            Off your shoulders now I'm dreaming of the day
            When I'm finally there with you


            Save a place for me I'll be there soon
            Save a place for me save some grace for me
            I'll be there soon I'll be there soon


            I have asked the question why
            But I guess the answer's for another time
            So instead I'll pray with every tear
            And be thankful for the time I had you here
Once again, on the freeway driving to work crying.  Turned the radio up just so I wouldn't have to hear myself cry.  
I'm so thankful Leigh has "the weight of the world off her shoulders."  Then again I don't know why God took her so soon because if there was one person who could handle the weight of the world, it was Leigh Ann.  If there was one person who could deal with me, deal with her friends, deal with her kids, deal with work, and still have enough left over to put a smile on and enjoy life, it was Leigh Ann.  I just don't get it.  
It's my second year at the high school and I've learned so much, even in these past few week, about being a teacher.  So much that I've wanted Leigh Ann to be a part of.  I've wanted to tell her about who is going to be teaching what subjects next year, which students are going to which colleges, who is dating who, what's happening with the Bible department, etc.  But I can't do any of that.  So when I see things as "dull," or, "shaded," or, "gray," it's not because life isn't happening around me.  It's because the everyday moments that two spouses share with each other are trapped inside my heart.  And 58 days later, I'm slowly realizing this as a part of my new life.  Rather than seeing these moments as things I can share with someone I now will have to enjoy them for what they are and then move on.  One day maybe I can share some of my work day with my kids, but it will be a while.  I'm not quite sure Caden wants to hear how my contract negotiations went! 
There isn't a day where I don't miss Leigh Ann.  Today has been tough.  When it gets easier I'm not sure.  Certainly not today.
I did find comfort today while reading I Peter:

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, 4 and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade — kept in heaven for you, 5 who through faith are shielded by God's power until the coming of the salvation that is ready to be revealed in the last time. 6 In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. 7 These have come so that your faith — of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire — may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and    honor when Jesus Christ is     revealed. 8 Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, 9 for you are receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls." (1:3-9) NIV

Leigh Ann is experiencing Heaven, inheritance and all.  My guess is if our inheritance is somehow tied to our life on Earth, Leigh's inheritance was awfully big.  Rightfully so.  Way to go honey.  I love you.


Caden and I finally had the "Dad, are you ever going to marry again," discussion.  Hard things for a 10-year old to think about.  He told me he doesn't want a step-mother.  I have appreciated his honesty throughout this experience.  Makes me not have to guess where he's at.  I have a feeling he and I will be spending a lot of time together.  Parents and children spending time together – I think that's in the Bible somewhere isn't it?


God at work:

• Our meals ended last week. People brought food to us multiple times a week for 7 weeks. So gracious.
• Yesterday at my brother's church (http://www.hopeispossible.org/) instead of having services the entire church went out into the community and served others. A group of a dozen came to our house and did a bunch of "fixer upper" things. What a great gesture of Christ's love.

Prayer Requests:

• The benefit event is this Saturday.  Prayers for the many that are working behind the scenes to make it a great morning.
• Mother's Day is Sunday.  Prayers for the kids.

"Father, thank You for saving Leigh Ann.  Thank You that her life mattered to so many of us.  Thank You that she ran so well that many of us are still saddened by not having her here with us.  I pray for the kids this week that while they will miss their mom, especially on Sunday, they will also understand Your love for them."