Day 69

Saturday, May 15, 2010
Day 69 – "Till death do us part." I happened to be looking through some files and inadvertently came across our "wedding" file. Leigh must have made the file a while back. Contains memories from our wedding – invitation, program, printed napkins from the reception, pictures of her, Peggy, and my mom going to pick out her wedding dress. And then I saw our vows. We thought we'd get a little crazy and do some hybrid vows – a few paragraphs of our own thoughts combined with some traditional wording. I can still remember the difference in our attitudes toward writing our own vows. If you knew her then you can imagine she wasn't a big fan! I probably didn't help much when during our engagement I would keep asking her about it, only to get that "look." But the day finally came. Neither of us knew what the other was going to say which made it all the more fun. Parts of mine…
    "Often when I'm alone I think of what it is about you that I love so much. I think of your smile and how your smile makes others want to do the same. I think of the times when I see you in a room and once again notice how beautiful you really are. I think of your love for children and how excited you are to begin a family. I think about how excited you are for my life and how you allow me to dream big, especially with regards to serving our Lord. And I think about how much you love Christ and desire to please Him, even above us."

Funny how 14 years later these are the things I think about now, when I'm alone. I want to see her walk into a room again and brighten it up with her infectious smile. I want to gaze at her beauty again. I want to see her face light up again because she loves being a mom.
We both ended our vows with, "…to have and to hold from this day forward, for better and for worse, for richer and for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and honor, and to cherish till death do us part, according to God's holy ordinance, and thereto I pledge thee my faithfulness."
I guess somewhere deep down I knew death would eventually "part us." Who would have imagined it would come this soon?
Being "parted by death," is something I've felt quite a bit this week. Leigh Ann and I are, in every sense of the word, apart. We're not together. And this may be true for many, many years to come.

• Tuesday we had our Senior Chapel at the high school. Seniors spoke on what their high school experience at Valley has been like. Parent were encouraged to attend and I happened to sit next to a mother who lost her husband to heart failure last Fall. She'll watch her daughter graduate next week and go off to college without her husband. This caused me to imagine eight years from now when Caden graduates and becomes a Sun Devil (already decided). Leigh Ann will not be a part of any of that.
• Tuesday night I traded in our minivan for a newer used minivan. First big purchase without Leigh. I was in need of her wisdom and discernment that night but she was not a part of any of the decision making.
• Last night I took the kids to a high school baseball game in Peoria. 54 miles each way. 108 miles is a long drive with no one in the passenger's seat. More specifically, I was longing to use that time to talk to Leigh about my week and to hear about hers, but all I could hear was Shrek 2 playing on the dvd player. The donkey and ogre were a part of the conversation but Leigh wasn't.
• Woke up this morning to Bailey's face (my 6 yr old). A great face no doubt but not Leigh's face. The queen size bed has gotten way too big for one person. The kids have done a great job of keeping me company, but anyone who has been married knows it's just not the same. Leigh is not a part of our bed anymore.

I know Leigh Ann is alive and well, more alive than she's ever been. But she's alive and well in Heaven. I am no more a part of her life right now than she is a part of mine. We have our memories but that's it. God has us both in His hands and for some reason this is "good," maybe even "best," but the reality is death has parted us. Contrary to dozens of cards I've received that have told me Leigh is still with us, guiding us, talking to us, smiling down on us (whatever that means), the truth is, we are apart. I haven't talked to her, seen her, listened to her, held her, watched her, hugged her, for 2 ½ months. So she's not here and she won't be coming back. There's great comfort in knowing she's alive in a place that is beyond description, but there's also great heartache in knowing our paths won't cross again while I'm still walking around on Earth.
Coming off a difficult weekend there were times throughout the week when I wanted to call a "time out." I was (and continue to be) in need of a break from Leigh's death. Either she needs to come back or I need to go to Heaven, even if for a few hours. Athletes, who are in top shape, get time outs for running up and down a court for only a few minutes. Where's the "time out" from death?
School is almost done. The summer activities begin in two weeks. Lots of things planned. On paper they all look great and I'm sure in some ways they will be. I know the kids will have lots of fun this summer. But it won't be a "break," or, "time out," from Leigh's death. It'll have to be a summer of many "firsts," and that's something we can't avoid. Maybe within those "firsts" God will show me some great truths to help with the heartache.
Till death do us part.
Prayer Requests:

• Praise that my school year is about done. Finals week and graduation. It'll be nice to spend a few more moments in bed.
• Prayers for Caden that he get as much out of counseling as he possibly can.
• Prayers that God would grant me extra measures of patience and understanding, especially with the kids. I love them so much.
• Praise that my school got us a trip out to Disneyland the first week of June and the kids are very excited!

"Father, you have been so good to me in so many ways. The support, the prayers, the gifts people have given. I continue to be amazed at how Leigh has touched so many lives. Thank You. I need You to fill the void that is so big in my life right now. I know You can and will. May the kids grow to love You more each day. May they experience Your love in new ways this week. May I as well."