Day 384

Saturday, March 26th, 2011


Day 384 - Spent the morning with our church, delivering food to the less fortunate.  I didn't know how the kids would respond but they ended up having a great time.  When we were finished Caden wanted to know if there was anything else we could do for this neighborhood.  I've been trying to help the kids understand that sharing the Gospel includes both word and deed.  I want them to desire serving others.  Today was a step in the right direction.

Malia wanted a chance to pull the food wagon!

Bailey checking how many boxes of cookies he had left!

Malia liked handing out bags of food better than pulling the wagon!



Bailey whistling while he works!



Checking to see if anyone was home!

It's been three weeks since Leigh's "anniversary."  Year two has been a steady dose of the continual adjustment of being a single father.  Daily reminders coming in the form of fatigue, loneliness, and stress.  The decisions to make are endless, the kids' needs are constant. 


Though often seemingly silent I know God has been with us.

Day 377

Saturday, March 19th, 2011


Day 377 - Kids were able to enjoy a few days at Disney with their grandparents.  I joined them on the last day and had a blast! 

Bailey bought an autograph book but instead of filling it with signatures he used it as a journal.  I was so impressed!  He spent a good chunk of time just writing away.  Caden completed his "Tour of Disney" by conquering the Tower of Terror - the last ride he'd never been on in all his trips.  And would you believe me if I told you my 5 year-old, princess-loving, sweet daughter went on every ride she could?! Indiana Jones, Thunder Mountain Railroad, Matterhorn Bobsleds, and Space Mountain!!  She'd leave the ride grinning ear-to-ear saying, "It makes my tummy tingly!"

Nice knowing you Toontown!

Day 370

Saturday, March 12th, 2011


Day 370 - Had the privilege of officiating a beautiful outdoor wedding today.  Weddings are such a pleasure to be a part of - the bride and groom are nervously excited, the parents are cautiously optimistic, friends all dressed to the nines.  Those who have been married know what lies ahead - among the good times there will also be times of disagreements, mundane nights, boring dinners, battle royales.  But for a few hours we forget all of that as we look at a radiant bride and stunning groom who are thrilled to think about spending their lives together. 


This week I also began the unit on engagement in the Marriage/Family section of my Bible class.  We're spending time discussing God's ideal way to view marriage, the roles of husbands and wives, and whom you should date.  We're learning from the Word about God providing Adam with a "suitable helper" to assist in ruling the world (Gen 1 & 2) and what Adam's reaction was when he fist laid eyes on Eve.  How stoked he was to have someone to go through life with (Gen 2:23). 


Marriage has been on my mind as of late and the truth is I miss having a helpmate.  The intimacy factor for sure but more so just having someone to do life with.  From cleaning the house and shopping to attending weddings and having dinner with friends.  This weekend I wanted to hear the voice of someone other than my kids when it was time for bed.  I wanted to watch a movie with someone lying on my shoulder other than Malia.  I wanted to discuss the future with someone other than my financial planner.  I wanted to dream outloud with someone older than 11.      


I take my cue from those who have been single more years than I have and that helps me gain perspective.  I am complete in Christ and I can find my strength in Him to live a joyful life with or without someone else.  Nonetheless, if I'm being completely honest, it's been a challenging couple of days.  I know God has a plan and yet I'm jealous for those who are living out His plan with someone by their side. 

Still trying to figure out how to do this new life.


Prayer Requests -
- The kids and I are on Spring Break next week.  Though we're a week past the anniversary of Leigh's death, it was the Saturday before Spring Break last year that she passed.  Prayers that I wouldn't dwell on what took place during Spring Break last year. 
- Prayers for me to have a balanced week.  To enjoy the kids but to also find times of personal rest.


"Father, I know You're all I need.  I pray I'd truly experience that reality this week."

Day 368

Thursday, March 10th, 2011

Day 368 - Life continues to move forward.  I've had a very "living in the present" week which I'll gladly take after last weekend.  Speaking of moving forward, Caden's latest acquisition - eye glasses.  Nothing too serious - still has 20/30 vision - but enough to warrant wearing glasses during the school day.

Love his new look!  Growing up before my eyes and while the temptation is to miss Leigh Ann, I'm choosing to enjoy the moment with those around me.  Nothing I can do but celebrate with Caden a small milestone in his life (albeit a costly one for me!).

Prayer Requests -
- Please continue to pray for Kate McRae and her fierce battle with cancer.
- Please pray for Caden as he transitions from no glasses to glasses.
- I would appreciate prayers to continue to live in the present.

"Father, I never want Leigh Ann to think I've ever stopped loving her.  Please capture my heart and convince me she's happy for me and the kids.  I know You're taking good care of her and I'd ask You'd remind me of that everyday.  Thank You for the blessings I've experienced this week."

Day 365

Monday, March 7th, 2011

Day 365 - Last Friday I forecasted what yesterday might be like and in my "every now and then I make a good decision" wisdom I took off work today, kept the kids out of school, reserved a room at a local hotel for last night, and decided to do yesterday with just the four of us. 

By God's grace we had a wonderful time of swimming, eating junk food, turning the room down to freezing, and jumping on the beds.  But mostly we had time with each other.  In the hot tub we played "name one thing you appreciate about each other."  When it got to "one thing I appreciate about Mommy" the tears welled up but that was par for the course yesterday. 

A tremendously emotional day.  My phone blew up with emails, texts, and calls.  Very similar to Day 1.  You'd think it would've been overwhelming but it turned out to be extremely comforting.  People from around the world remembering Leigh Ann and expressing sympathy for me and the kids.  When we arrived at the cemetery we were greeted by three families all there to remember Leigh.  Every Sunday the kids and I are there alone so it was good to see others there and to grieve as a community.  Leigh's death has broken the hearts of many and yet there is something beautiful about living in pain together.  In a weird way I loved hearing how others were having a rough day.  Made me feel normal. 

Yesterday I reflected on what this past year has brought to me and the kids, our families, our friends.  Here are a few of things that came to mind:
- I'm not alone in my pain.  I've met dozens of people who could "one-up" me regarding pain.  And though Leigh was my wife, she was also a daughter, mother, sister, aunt, co-worker, and friend.  We're all experiencing her loss.  As well, everywhere I preached last year there was someone in the audience who could relate to my situation because they were in a situation of their own.  Pain doesn't invite a few to the party.  We're all invited. 
- Our days are numbered.  Death is coming and there is no escape.
- Seemingly there is no rhyme or reason as to how many days we're given.  God knows but very seldom makes the reason clear.  The timing of Leigh's death continues to frustrate me but I've also been confused at other's passings.  Children, young adults, etc.  For many of us there will always be a question mark as to "why."
- God is mysterious.  His ways are not my ways.   I'm more confused about God than I've ever been.
- The Scriptures are both comforting and complicated.  I've "sensed" God more this past year than ever before.  His Word has fulfilled it's promise of teaching me (II Tim 3:16) great things about myself, life, Heaven.  Yet I've never had more questions than I do now.  For instance:
          - I need more facts about Heaven than the Bible provides.  Did Leigh Ann know what we did yesterday?  Did she care?  What will love look like between us?  How will she relate to the kids?  Of course this leads me to think macro-thoughts about Heaven including: How much free will do we possess in Heaven? How will what I experience on Earth affect me in Heaven?  If I can't sin in Heaven how will I experience joy, for on this side of Heaven often joy is a result of suffering.
          - Prayer is a mystery.  Does prayer truly change things?  Is God dependent on people's prayers for healing, provision, blessings?  Is God's Sovereign will affected by prayer?  How come the answer to our prayers seems to be very random (God heals one person but not another though they were both equally prayed for?)?  Why do we tell people prayer works but when it doesn't we say, "God's answer was 'no'?"  Seems like a religious win-win without any way to disagree.
          - My purpose on Earth isn't as clear as it used to be.  Why was I created?  To be tested as to whether I would respond to the Gospel?  We talk of purpose in terms of "knowing God and making Him known," but that seems to make more sense when talking of someone who is older in age.  What about the child who dies a painful death?  What was their purpose?  To say, "God only knows" again seems like a religious win-win. 
-  My worship has never been more pure.  My intimacy with God has been authentic.  I care less about what others think knowing God is my only Audience. The words I sing have more meaning because I picture what Leigh is experiencing and I'm left with the choice of either believing or not.  I choose to believe.
-  I live with a great deal of hope. I know that sounds contradictory to some things noted above but somehow it's true.  I believe Heaven is just around the corner and though I'm confused I trust the Word.  Jesus is there, Leigh is there, and Heaven will be magnificent. 
-  God is good.  My kids and I have been blessed by God this past year in indescribable ways.  Though I'm confused by Him I'm also in awe of Him.  I've experienced His peace, His comfort, His healing, and His love in new ways this past year.  Things only He could have done for me.  I'm grateful He hasn't abandoned me in my darkest hour.
-  I'm less bound by "stuff."  If I need something I'll ask you for it.  If I have something you need, come and get it - seriously.  This principle began because of the outpouring of support the kids and I have experienced.  Meals, money, acts of service continue to come our way.  We don't deserve any of it and yet it keeps coming.  And so I've tried to be pro-active in giving.  I'm not taking any of it with me and there are so many in need.  And to bring it down to every day living, how fun is it to do something nice for someone?  Try picking up the tab every now and then.  It's hilariously fun.   
-  I'm in this for the long haul with my kids.  Caden, Bailey, and Malia are mine and though there are days we're not the best of friends our relationship has forever changed.  Our love for each other continues to drill down past what I've ever experienced with anyone sans Leigh Ann.  This past year it's just been the four of us and it's looking to be a repeat this year.  This doesn't take away from the countless hours family and friends have invested in our lives.  But at the end of the day the kids are my responsibility and for now I'm up for the challenge.
-  I'm less dependent on people and more dependent on Christ.  I don't know if I'll re-marry.  I do know Jesus is all I need.  Should He provide a helpmate, I won't fight it.  But if that never happens my identity will still be found in Him.  I'll still be whole and perfectly capable of living a successful life. 

All to say I'm launching into "year two" as a confused, imperfect, father of three, who is choosing to live by faith in the One who deserves my heart, mind, and soul. 

One day at a time...

Day 364

Sunday, March 6th, 2011

Day 364 - Leigh Ann Tonkinson, Born February 5th 1975, Died March 6th 2010

I love this picture because it captures my wife so well.  You can tell she was married by the small ring on her finger.  A ring she faithfully wore for 13 years.  A ring which lays still in a cupboard now but was once worn by a woman who knew how to do marriage so very well.  Mature beyond her years she taught her husband volumes on the subject and he will be forever grateful.  He didn't say this to her enough but he's had a year to ponder how lucky he was to have had her as his wife.  How he wishes every day God would return her for just a few more years so he could tell her that.

This picture also shows how happy she was to be a mother.  Leigh Ann could have successfully pursued her career with more hours, more academics, receiving more accolades.  Instead she chose to spend time with her children.  There was a deep love between her and the kids that I have not been able to replicate by any stretch.  She knew what to say and how to say it, inevitably making things better.  Her children adored her and she them.  Their time together was brief and I'm sad for the kids, not because they're without a mother, but because they're without Leigh Ann. 

Finally this picture shows her eyes.  When I stare at them I can see a myriad of facets to her life - beauty, intelligence, wisdom, love, laughter, godliness.  Leigh Ann loved life and she lived it well.  She loved growing in her faith, discussing the ways of the Lord.  She was an excellent partner to have in ministry - patient, long-suffering, compassionate. 

All to say there is much about Leigh Ann Tonkinson I miss.  There is much about her we all miss.  Today marks the day many of us received the worst news of our lives.  One year ago today the sounds of weeping were almost deafening.  That day many of us found out we would have to do life without the one we love.  Life without the one who brought us so much joy.  We were told we would see her once again but that the rest of our days this side of Heaven would have to be spent without her.  And that is what this past year has been - a year without Leigh Ann.

Today I'll steal the kids away for an overnight at a local hotel.  We'll go to the cemetery and remember what once was and then we'll get away and be thankful for what we still have.  The hotel has an indoor-pool and a 24/7 snack bar.  Translation - Heaven on Earth.

This is a day to cry, to mourn, to grieve.  I've been doing it since I woke up.  But it is also a day to remember Leigh has been in God's presence for a year now.  She's in a place many of us are headed and my guess is she can't wait for us to join her.  In the meantime I'd imagine she would want us to live life well - live by faith, love God and love others, worship our Savior, remember the cross, and enjoy life (if you look closely at the picture you'll notice a Dr. Pepper can in the background!  How Leigh loved Dr. Pepper!).

Though we are hurting today may our prayer echo the prophet Habakkuk - "Even though the fig trees have no blossoms, and there are no grapes on the vines; even though the olive crop fails, and the fields lie empty and barren; even though the flocks die in the fields, and the cattle barns are empty.  Yet I will rejoice in the Lord!  I will be joyful in the God of my salvation!  The Sovereign Lord is my strength!  He makes me as surefooted as a deer, able to tread upon the heights." - Hab 3:17-19, NLT

A truly heartfelt "thank you" to everyone who has reached out this week.  The kids and I are standing on your prayers.  We love you.

Day 363

Saturday, March 5th, 2011

Day 363 - One year ago today would be the last day I'd spend with my best friend.  Thankfully I remember it well, a last-minute dinner date on a Friday night.  Because Leigh had to work the next day, which meant she would leave the house early, March 5th would be the last day I'd actually see her alive.  The day she died we never saw each other, never even spoke to each other (except through text). 

Surreal to comprehend I haven't seen her or spoken to her for a year.  I struggle to believe tomorrow marks an entire year of living alone.  Have I really gone to bed for a year without saying "goodnight, I love you" to her?  Raising the kids without her?  Living life without her?  I do credit God, and God alone, for the strength of being able to get up each day this past year and live with some degree of hope.  I thank Him that there have been many bright moments during this year of grief.  Last night I was able to spend a few hours with Malia at our church's "Daddy Daughter Dance."  We had a fantastic evening of dressing up, professional pictures, and outdoor dancing to the sounds of Justin Bieber!  It was a night I won't soon forget.

And this is a decent snapshot of what the past year has been like - horrible days of pain and grief mixed with wonderful days of joy and laughter.  God is more a mystery to me than ever but I've never praised him with more sincerity.  I don't wish this life on anyone but I've never been closer to my kids.

So we'll keep pressing on in the midst of a very confusing life.

Prayer Requests -
- Simply for this weekend to pass quickly. 

"Father thank You for last night and the time spent with Malia.  May I have more moments with each of my kids that will provide opportunities for us to bond.  We need that as a family.  Please grant us Your peace this weekend.  Fill us with Your love so the pain won't be as bad."

Day 359

Tuesday, March 1st, 2011


Day 359 -   There are several pictures in my bedroom of Leigh and me.  Pictures I took down today.  They were hanging in my bedroom and I just got tired of remembering a great trip to Hawaii coupled with the thought of never being able to venture off again with the one I love.

It's exhausting trying to remember every detail of the past.  All I have with Leigh is the past and the hundreds of times I think about her each day are nothing but memories.  I’m thankful I have many great ones to choose from but the most recent one (going to dinner the night before she was killed) is a year old.   I’ve made new memories in the past year as I’m sure she has, they just don’t involve each other.

My memory of Leigh Ann is ever so slowly fading and that breaks my heart.  I never imagined I’d forget what my wife sounds like, her smile, her touch.  But that’s what’s happening.  Every day apart is a day my life is filled with other things, other people.  Of course my fear is so much time will pass before I die that we will forget what we had for 13 years.  That thought has caused many tears.

Many have reached out knowing this would be a difficult week.  So far they’re right.