Day 109

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Day 109 - A fun day of ice-skating was book-ended by tears.  Somewhat of the norm.  Wasn't expecting to wake up and cry my way through the first hour of the day but some days that's what you get I guess.  I had to put the finishing touches on Leigh's gravestone which had me thinking about her a lot.  This, coupled with seeing a picture of her in some summer attire, caused me to want her back very badly.  Leigh Ann loved the summer.  Her favorite season by far.  And seeing her in that picture reminded me of how desperately I wanted to enjoy the summer with her.  Doing it alone isn't at all the same.

Tonight was rough.  Bailey lost his DS so we spent time looking for it (found it), which made us all a little irritable.  As bed time approached I found Caden in bed crying.  He too was missing Leigh Ann.  This of course made me start crying again.  Just a "raw" night emotionally.  I know they're necessary so that we can all deal with what we're feeling but truth be told I'm not a huge fan.  I'd much rather be having a family night with Leigh where we're all wrestling, dancing around, watching a movie, eating popcorn, enjoying a sweltering summer night.  Instead, my 10 year-old is trying to make sense of missing someone so much that he's crying himself to sleep.  To say I hate this would be a gross understatement.

That's how the day started and ended.  But like an Oreo, the good stuff was in the middle.  The four of us tried ice-skating this afternoon.  Malia and Bailey's first time.  They were all troopers.  I'm not seeing any Michelle Kwans or Scott Hamiltons just yet, but who knows?!

Prayer Requests:
- Prayers that me and the kids would continue to talk openly about how we're feeling
- Prayers that God would give me wisdom
- Prayers that we'd extend grace, patience, and forgiveness to each other

"Father, thanks for three healthy kids.  Thanks that we can enjoy some physical activity.  I pray that you'd speak to Caden, Bailey, and Malia in a way that only You can.  Take care of them.  Let them experience Your goodness."

Day 106

Monday, June 21, 2010


Day 106 - Technology is something I'm glad I have, but tonight it worked against me.  Scrolling through my phone I happened upon Leigh's contact information.  Shortly after her death (March 6th) I began the process of trying to move forward as best I knew how.  For me this entailed finding that balance of keeping things in the house that would honor her (pictures of her, pictures of our family, etc.) and removing things that I knew would never be used again (her clothes, her toiletries, her books, etc.).  One thing I have not done though is to remove her contact information from my phone.  No right or wrong, I just wanted to hang on to that for a while longer.


My phone is set up in such a way that it keeps all my texts by way of "threads," so I can see all the conversations I've had with someone.  As I happened upon Leigh's contact information I started reading the last few days of texts we had sent to one another.  I read what we talked about on March 1st, 2nd, 3rd, 4th, 5th, and 6th.  In a moments time I was immediately taken back 106 days and was reliving the conversations I had with my wife.  I could hear her voice through her texts as clear as if I were talking with her today.  We didn't discuss world peace or the latest Obama speech.  We talked about missing each other throughout the day and what our plans were going to be for the upcoming weekend.  We talked about the kids schedules and finances.  On March 5th Leigh texted me that she asked her mom to watch the kids so we could go clothes shopping and grab some dinner.  After deciding to eat at Black Angus (one of Leigh's favorite restaurants) she texted, "Oh sweet, now I'm excited..." which I could just see her smiling and truly being excited to do some shopping and eat some steak.  Neither of us knew that would be our very last "date." 


My last text on March 6th reads, "Where are you?"  I had no idea Leigh Ann had died and was already in Heaven. 


106 days later and the tears fall as painfully as they did on Day 1.  All it takes is a little reminder, through a cell phone, that the person who meant the most to you is now gone, and your night goes from manageable to unmanageable.  I had forgotten what Leigh Ann sounded like and it all came back to me.  Now I miss her more than I've ever missed anyone.


I sure hope God knows what He's doing. 


"Father, this road is hard.  There's nothing enjoyable about it.  I envy those whose lives are status-quo.  I'm tired of the memories, the pain, the tears.  I'm trapped in this life of missing Leigh Ann so much it's beyond painful.  I pray for answers."

Day 105

Sunday, June 20, 2010

Day 105 - Was invited to play with our worship team this morning.  The first time since Leigh's death that I've been infront of people.  Didn't know what to expect.

I've played guitar off and on for a while and have even led worship a few times in various venues over the years.  This morning ranks among one of the best experiences I've had worshipping with a praise team. We played for three services and I could have played for a dozen more.  One of those times when everyone was freed up to worship while leading worship (it's harder than it sounds).  I'll remember this morning for a long, long time.  Amy sang "How He Loves," by David Crowder in the middle of the set and it was all I could do to keep the tears from falling. Some of the lyrics...

He is jealous for me, loves like a hurricane, I am a tree,

Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy.

When all of a sudden, I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,

And I realize just how beautiful You are, and how great Your affections are for me.

I so wanted Leigh to experience what I was experiencing but then I thought, "If earthly worship can be this good, what in the world is heavenly worship like?!  Could it be that the wonderful experience I had is "the norm" where Leigh is?  I'll bet it is.  I still missed her though.

- Friends from my Life Group (bible study) who were all on stage this morning.  Zach played drums, Matt led worship, I played guitar with Matt, and Amy sang.  These guys are all super-talented so it was a privelege to be on the same stage with them. 

Day 105

Sunday, June 20, 2010

Day 105 - Father's Day.  The kids got me a few gifts which were great, but the cards they picked out are the "keepers."  I'll keep them for quite some time. 
Went camping over the weekend.  Leigh's family loves to camp and we've been going every year since the kids were born.  This was our first time without Leigh.  Another "first."  Leigh Ann was missed on the hikes, missed at the lake, missed around the camp fire.  Her smile, her laugh, both sorely missed.  But we went and we made it through.  And, like Disney, new memories were made.  One unexpected memory was the drive up to Woods Canyon.  The kids left the night before with Leigh's parents so I took the van up by myself.  The silence was loud and I immediately reached for a cd but then chose to spend some time in prayer.  Though I wanted to talk to Leigh I found that talking to God was such a good way to spend my time.  I believe it set me up to enjoy the weekend as much as possible.

Some of our new memories...

Malia loved the dogs being with her -

Malia has to have her "nigh nigh's" when she's camping!

Caden and me trying our luck at fishing...both got blanked.  I'm convinced there are no fish in that lake.

Caden enjoying the woods -

Caden enjoying the view - looks more risky than it was :)

Caden and Bailey about to go hiking -

Bailey and Malia playing jarts!

Bailey being hypnotized by the flames!

Malia with the ever classic "camping" hair style!

Prayer Requests -
- The week after a vacation seems to be difficult. Prayers to stay focused on God's grace and love this week.

"Father, thank You for Your creation.  Beautiful.  Thank You for new memories.  I pray for strength this week.  May each day belong to You."

Day 99

Monday, June 14, 2010
Day 99 - My lawn is green.  While taking out the trash I stopped and noticed, "wow, the grass is really green."  This is a big deal for me as my grass has rarely had the pleasure of showing it's true colors.  And in the very moment I was enjoying my lawn I was reminded how much Leigh Ann loved it when our grass turned even the slightest shade of green.  I tried to think what she would have thought of our lawn today - no doubt she would have been smiling ear to ear.  Of course the irony is that it took Leigh's passing to bring about a green lawn.  A few weeks ago I hired a guy to cut the grass and in doing so he has somehow made the lawn green (I'd say it's "magic," though I'm sure it's just the right combination of fertilizer and water).  So tonight I'll sit out on my back porch and admire my lawn all the while missing my wife terribly.  An internal conflict I'm very well versed in. 

It's what someone who has been down this road of losing a spouse mentioned to me the other night by calling it internal chaos.  He distinguished it from external chaos.  As I was recalling what the past three months have been like for me he said, "It sounds like you've got your house in order.  You've got plenty of family to help with the kids, you've got a good network of friends for support, you've got people helping with the everyday duties of life.  So, externally, your life seems to be in good shape."  And he's right.  One might even argue that externally my life is in better shape than it was prior to March 6th (just take a look at my lawn).  "But," he said, "I'll bet you're a wreck mentally and emotionally. That's what I call internal chaos.  It's the stuff nobody else can see.  It's the constant thinking about Leigh Ann, the wondering how you'll do life as a single father, the pain of losing your wife and now living alone, the thousands of questions that will never be answered.  People will gauge how you're doing based on if you've showered, if your house is picked up, if your bills are paid.  They think you're OK if those things are in order, but they have no idea of the battle that's going on inside."  Those words brought tears to my eyes.  He was exactly right.  Felt good to talk to someone who has been down this road.  
  
Tonight the boys are at a neighbor's house while I watch Malia try to catch baby crickets and talk about bird poop on the trampoline.  It's a lazy summer night, nothing on the agenda.  Just sitting out back watching the sun go down.  What I wouldn't give right now to be able to look across the table and see Leigh Ann smiling, admiring our green grass. 

Tomorrow marks 100 days since the passing of one of the most incredible women I'll ever meet.  And the internal chaos rages on.

Prayer Requests:
- Camping this week.  Prayers that we'll have an enjoyable time even though we'll miss Leigh Ann.
- Prayers for Caden as he's reading out of Revelation and has many questions.

"Father, I don't know why Leigh Ann and I couldn't be out in the back yard tonight talking, watching the kids, and enjoying life together.  If it weren't for Your Word I'd have no indication that any good will come of this.  So, I'm trusting in You with everything I have to help make sense of Leigh's death.  I hate it and don't get it."

Day 96

Friday, June 11, 2010
Day 96 - Been home for a few days since Disney.  The trip was better than expected and now being home has been a strong dose of the "new reality." We've had good friends visiting for the week and there's been a lot of activities on the agenda.  Each day we've had things to do - VBS, swimming, dinners.  Truly having a great time.  And therein lies the "new reality."

The problem seems to be embracing the reality of being alone. My schedule has changed for the first time since Leigh's death.  Rather than getting up, getting dressed, and heading to work, I'm now getting up, watching the kids get up, getting them dressed/fed, and then seeing what's on the agenda for the day.  It's the kind of schedule many people envy.  And while there are certain benefits I'm also discovering many challenges.  Two instantly come to mind:

Single - The new schedule has shown me with great clarity that I am infact single.  To be more specific, I'm a single father.  I have plenty of help of which I'm grateful.  But all the help in the world doesn't keep me from thinking and acting like a father who is parenting without the help of a mother.  The kids have become my life.  I think about them constantly - where they are, what they're doing, what they're thinking.  I can ask for advice from others but I'm the final decision-maker when it comes to Caden, Bailey, and Malia.  From deciding what to wear to what to eat to what to do to what advice to give to who to spend time with to what discipline to administer to how to handle a sibling fight to when to put them to bed to what to spend money on.  Those are a few of the decisions.  Then there are the dozens of parental "acts" that take place each day.  I realized this week that the "new reality" has just begun.  It's not a matter of placing events on the calendar so we have things to look forward to.  My reality is waking up each day as my kid's only parent and trying my best to "train them up in the ways of the Lord."  It's more difficult than I could have ever imagined.

Alone - I've also been faced in this "new reality" of being alone.  A new friend, who has gone through something similar, gave me great insight in a possible difference between being lonely and being alone.  Though I'm often by myself I don't find myself feeling lonely, as if I'm in need of being around other people.  I enjoy the company of others, but I'm also often content in spending time by myself (I have several single movie ticket stubs to confirm this!).  What I'm challenged with is this feeling of being alone.  My friend described it as being more meta-physical - a constant feeling of isolation if you will.  It's like living in a state of being separated from that one meaningful relationship.  For me that would be my wife.  For others it may be a child or a parent.  It's not that I don't have other meaningful relationships, rather it's the void of the one that was the most meaningful to me.  The one I could share every part of my life with.  The one I could be romantic with.  The one I could dream big dreams with.  The one I could be myself with.  The one I've been used to for so many years.  The one I associated with this pretty blond-haired, awesome woman, who was smart, beautiful, amazing in 1,000 different ways.  The one I knew as Leigh Ann, my wife, my love. 

All to say, this "new reality," is filled with all kinds of new adventures (I mean who gets to go on a paid vacation to Disneyland for 6 days?).  But this "new reality" is built on painful truths including being single, and being alone.

Honestly, I despise this "new reality."  I despise everything about it.  I despise the hundreds of questions I ask myself every day that will forever go unanswered ("why was that kid driving so fast down that road?," "what does Leigh Ann do in Heaven all day?," "how often, if at all, does Leigh think about me and the kids?," "why did God take a healthy woman, so full of life, at 35 years of age?," "when will the gaping hole in my heart be mended?").  I despise knowing the kids will grow up with one parent.  I despise feeling single and alone. 

If you can believe it, I really did have a good week. 

Prayer Requests:
- For my willingness to continue to give my life over to the Lord.
- For my patience and understanding with the kids.

"Father, thank You for being able to handle my feelings.  I pray some things will begin to make sense in the days to come.  Please take this horrible situation and allow good to come of it."

Day 90

Saturday, June 5, 2010
Day 90 - Day 5 at Disney Included:

- "Dates" with each of the kids.   
Caden's time:  Splash Mountain, California Screamin', California Adventure Parade, Grizzly River Run, and Shopping at the Magic Store.

Bailey's time:  Shopping at the hotel gift shop, shopping at the Disney store on Main Street, Buzz Lightyear, Star Tours, and more shopping at the Star Tours Gift Shop! 

Malia's time:  Lunch at Ariel's Grotto - during lunch four princesses will come to your table for pictures.  The princesses selected are random so I was nervous that Malia wouldn't know any of them.  She began with a picture with Ariel.  Very cool.  Then they announced Princess Aurora.  Who??  What is this, the j.v. squad?  My heart started to sink knowing how much Malia was looking forward to this.  But then we hit the jackpot - next to come out was Snow White, after her entered Belle, and then the grand finale =  none other than Cinderella!  Malia was in Princess dreamland!

Our trip ends tomorrow.  In some ways it couldn't come a day too soon (I'm Disneyed-out!).  But in so many ways it was more than I could have expected.  We made some incredible memories as a family.  I'll always remember this as our first vacation without Leigh Ann.  There have been many moments this week when I would trade all of this to have her back.  I would trade a million future vacations just to spend one more day with my wife.  Today marks the 15th Saturday since Leigh died and every Saturday I have to stop and think of how much I wish Saturday, March 6th, never happened.  But it did, and while I constantly struggle with the gravity of Leigh Ann dying, I have truly enjoyed these past five days with the kids. 
I'm forever grateful for the support and prayers of so many who thought of and prayed for us this week.  Thank you.
"Father, thank You for continuing to love me and the kids.  Thank You for the great memories we've been able to make and I pray times like these will help build a new, stronger bond between all of us.  Thank You for blessing us.  I pray that the hurt would steadily decrease though right now the pain is still severe."

Day 89

Friday, June 4, 2010
Day 89 - Spent 12 hours with The Mouse.  The feelings of missing Leigh seemed to grow by the hour.  There I was amongst thousands and thousands of people and not one of them was Leigh.  Sometimes I'll get caught in a massive flood of flashbacks surrounding Leigh's death.  The thoughts of her actually being dead, replaying the night of March 6th over and over again, remembering the officer who broke the news and hearing exactly what he said, how life has been since.
I watched thousands of people walk by and I was constantly wondering, "Why Leigh Ann?  Why did she have to die?  When everyone around me is enjoying the day, where in the world is my wife?  Why isn't she here to watch her kids have so much fun?  Is she really gone for good?  Is the reality that every time we have fun she won't be here?  How does any of this make sense?" 
Leigh Ann would have thoroughly enjoyed this vacation.  And I would have thoroughly enjoyed watching her enjoy this vacation.  Instead, I'm watching the kids have a great time, experiencing joy, battling loneliness, and trusting that God has Leigh Ann alive and well somehow enjoying Heaven, knowing all the while that I miss her in such a strong way.
Day 4 of Disney included:
- Mulholland Madness

- California Screamin'
- Trapped inside Toy Story

- Hanging out with Disney Characters

- Malia wasn't too impressed...

- Maliboomer
- Grizzly River Run

- Soarin' Over California
- Monsters Inc.
- Aladdin Show
- Malia either showing me her "owie," or telling me what she thought of the ride

Day 88

Thursday, June 3, 2010
Day 88 - Day 3 at Disney included:
- getting on Space Mountain, Star Tours, and Matterhorn all in first 45 minutes - a new personal record!
- Astro Orbitor

- Mad Tea Party

- Alice in Wonderland

- Jedi Training.  Cousin Meagan was selected out of the crowd to be a padawan jedi knight!  Guess who didn't get selected...

- Pirates of the Caribbean (third time's a charm!)
- Big Thunder Mountain
- Lunch with everyone

- Petting Zoo

- Swimming at Hotel
- One of my goals on the trip is to take each of the kids on a "date."  Caden and I went out today and looked at some of the shops in Downtown Disney.  Had a great time together!

- Trying to eat at ESPN Zone - waited an hour for a table - no luck
- Back at Disney for another round of Star Tours and Monorail back to hotel

The whole gang is now here!  Big day tomorrow as we spend the day at California Adventure and then over to Disneyland until midnight! 

The weight of being a single parent is especially heightened on this trip.  So many decisions to make and tasks to perform.  Physically, mentally getting tougher as the days go on.  Having a great time but I often feel weighed down by the heavy responsibility of looking after three children who all want to go off in different directions.  From the moment I get up it seems like my mind is on "go."  Sunscreen, making sure I've got everyone's tickets, not forgetting the room key,  keeping an eye on each of the kids at all times, listening to a thousand requests to buy everything Disney has to offer, etc.  Not to beat a dead horse but I miss having someone to help bear the burden of parenting three kids, not to mention someone to share such a wonderful vacation with.  Oh, and the people watching.  Most definitely miss not having someone to people watch with here at Disney.  Weird feeling lonely amidst tens of thousand of people. 

Prayer Requests:
- Praise that everyone is getting along, everyone is healthy, and the weather has been great!
- Prayers for physical strength. 

"Father, thank You for another wonderful day spent with family.  You have taken care of me on this vacation and though I'm tired, I can see Your goodness.  Thank You for such a wonderful time to make some lasting memories."