Day 99

Monday, June 14, 2010
Day 99 - My lawn is green.  While taking out the trash I stopped and noticed, "wow, the grass is really green."  This is a big deal for me as my grass has rarely had the pleasure of showing it's true colors.  And in the very moment I was enjoying my lawn I was reminded how much Leigh Ann loved it when our grass turned even the slightest shade of green.  I tried to think what she would have thought of our lawn today - no doubt she would have been smiling ear to ear.  Of course the irony is that it took Leigh's passing to bring about a green lawn.  A few weeks ago I hired a guy to cut the grass and in doing so he has somehow made the lawn green (I'd say it's "magic," though I'm sure it's just the right combination of fertilizer and water).  So tonight I'll sit out on my back porch and admire my lawn all the while missing my wife terribly.  An internal conflict I'm very well versed in. 

It's what someone who has been down this road of losing a spouse mentioned to me the other night by calling it internal chaos.  He distinguished it from external chaos.  As I was recalling what the past three months have been like for me he said, "It sounds like you've got your house in order.  You've got plenty of family to help with the kids, you've got a good network of friends for support, you've got people helping with the everyday duties of life.  So, externally, your life seems to be in good shape."  And he's right.  One might even argue that externally my life is in better shape than it was prior to March 6th (just take a look at my lawn).  "But," he said, "I'll bet you're a wreck mentally and emotionally. That's what I call internal chaos.  It's the stuff nobody else can see.  It's the constant thinking about Leigh Ann, the wondering how you'll do life as a single father, the pain of losing your wife and now living alone, the thousands of questions that will never be answered.  People will gauge how you're doing based on if you've showered, if your house is picked up, if your bills are paid.  They think you're OK if those things are in order, but they have no idea of the battle that's going on inside."  Those words brought tears to my eyes.  He was exactly right.  Felt good to talk to someone who has been down this road.  
  
Tonight the boys are at a neighbor's house while I watch Malia try to catch baby crickets and talk about bird poop on the trampoline.  It's a lazy summer night, nothing on the agenda.  Just sitting out back watching the sun go down.  What I wouldn't give right now to be able to look across the table and see Leigh Ann smiling, admiring our green grass. 

Tomorrow marks 100 days since the passing of one of the most incredible women I'll ever meet.  And the internal chaos rages on.

Prayer Requests:
- Camping this week.  Prayers that we'll have an enjoyable time even though we'll miss Leigh Ann.
- Prayers for Caden as he's reading out of Revelation and has many questions.

"Father, I don't know why Leigh Ann and I couldn't be out in the back yard tonight talking, watching the kids, and enjoying life together.  If it weren't for Your Word I'd have no indication that any good will come of this.  So, I'm trusting in You with everything I have to help make sense of Leigh's death.  I hate it and don't get it."