Day 106

Monday, June 21, 2010


Day 106 - Technology is something I'm glad I have, but tonight it worked against me.  Scrolling through my phone I happened upon Leigh's contact information.  Shortly after her death (March 6th) I began the process of trying to move forward as best I knew how.  For me this entailed finding that balance of keeping things in the house that would honor her (pictures of her, pictures of our family, etc.) and removing things that I knew would never be used again (her clothes, her toiletries, her books, etc.).  One thing I have not done though is to remove her contact information from my phone.  No right or wrong, I just wanted to hang on to that for a while longer.


My phone is set up in such a way that it keeps all my texts by way of "threads," so I can see all the conversations I've had with someone.  As I happened upon Leigh's contact information I started reading the last few days of texts we had sent to one another.  I read what we talked about on March 1st, 2nd, 3rd, 4th, 5th, and 6th.  In a moments time I was immediately taken back 106 days and was reliving the conversations I had with my wife.  I could hear her voice through her texts as clear as if I were talking with her today.  We didn't discuss world peace or the latest Obama speech.  We talked about missing each other throughout the day and what our plans were going to be for the upcoming weekend.  We talked about the kids schedules and finances.  On March 5th Leigh texted me that she asked her mom to watch the kids so we could go clothes shopping and grab some dinner.  After deciding to eat at Black Angus (one of Leigh's favorite restaurants) she texted, "Oh sweet, now I'm excited..." which I could just see her smiling and truly being excited to do some shopping and eat some steak.  Neither of us knew that would be our very last "date." 


My last text on March 6th reads, "Where are you?"  I had no idea Leigh Ann had died and was already in Heaven. 


106 days later and the tears fall as painfully as they did on Day 1.  All it takes is a little reminder, through a cell phone, that the person who meant the most to you is now gone, and your night goes from manageable to unmanageable.  I had forgotten what Leigh Ann sounded like and it all came back to me.  Now I miss her more than I've ever missed anyone.


I sure hope God knows what He's doing. 


"Father, this road is hard.  There's nothing enjoyable about it.  I envy those whose lives are status-quo.  I'm tired of the memories, the pain, the tears.  I'm trapped in this life of missing Leigh Ann so much it's beyond painful.  I pray for answers."