Day 96

Friday, June 11, 2010
Day 96 - Been home for a few days since Disney.  The trip was better than expected and now being home has been a strong dose of the "new reality." We've had good friends visiting for the week and there's been a lot of activities on the agenda.  Each day we've had things to do - VBS, swimming, dinners.  Truly having a great time.  And therein lies the "new reality."

The problem seems to be embracing the reality of being alone. My schedule has changed for the first time since Leigh's death.  Rather than getting up, getting dressed, and heading to work, I'm now getting up, watching the kids get up, getting them dressed/fed, and then seeing what's on the agenda for the day.  It's the kind of schedule many people envy.  And while there are certain benefits I'm also discovering many challenges.  Two instantly come to mind:

Single - The new schedule has shown me with great clarity that I am infact single.  To be more specific, I'm a single father.  I have plenty of help of which I'm grateful.  But all the help in the world doesn't keep me from thinking and acting like a father who is parenting without the help of a mother.  The kids have become my life.  I think about them constantly - where they are, what they're doing, what they're thinking.  I can ask for advice from others but I'm the final decision-maker when it comes to Caden, Bailey, and Malia.  From deciding what to wear to what to eat to what to do to what advice to give to who to spend time with to what discipline to administer to how to handle a sibling fight to when to put them to bed to what to spend money on.  Those are a few of the decisions.  Then there are the dozens of parental "acts" that take place each day.  I realized this week that the "new reality" has just begun.  It's not a matter of placing events on the calendar so we have things to look forward to.  My reality is waking up each day as my kid's only parent and trying my best to "train them up in the ways of the Lord."  It's more difficult than I could have ever imagined.

Alone - I've also been faced in this "new reality" of being alone.  A new friend, who has gone through something similar, gave me great insight in a possible difference between being lonely and being alone.  Though I'm often by myself I don't find myself feeling lonely, as if I'm in need of being around other people.  I enjoy the company of others, but I'm also often content in spending time by myself (I have several single movie ticket stubs to confirm this!).  What I'm challenged with is this feeling of being alone.  My friend described it as being more meta-physical - a constant feeling of isolation if you will.  It's like living in a state of being separated from that one meaningful relationship.  For me that would be my wife.  For others it may be a child or a parent.  It's not that I don't have other meaningful relationships, rather it's the void of the one that was the most meaningful to me.  The one I could share every part of my life with.  The one I could be romantic with.  The one I could dream big dreams with.  The one I could be myself with.  The one I've been used to for so many years.  The one I associated with this pretty blond-haired, awesome woman, who was smart, beautiful, amazing in 1,000 different ways.  The one I knew as Leigh Ann, my wife, my love. 

All to say, this "new reality," is filled with all kinds of new adventures (I mean who gets to go on a paid vacation to Disneyland for 6 days?).  But this "new reality" is built on painful truths including being single, and being alone.

Honestly, I despise this "new reality."  I despise everything about it.  I despise the hundreds of questions I ask myself every day that will forever go unanswered ("why was that kid driving so fast down that road?," "what does Leigh Ann do in Heaven all day?," "how often, if at all, does Leigh think about me and the kids?," "why did God take a healthy woman, so full of life, at 35 years of age?," "when will the gaping hole in my heart be mended?").  I despise knowing the kids will grow up with one parent.  I despise feeling single and alone. 

If you can believe it, I really did have a good week. 

Prayer Requests:
- For my willingness to continue to give my life over to the Lord.
- For my patience and understanding with the kids.

"Father, thank You for being able to handle my feelings.  I pray some things will begin to make sense in the days to come.  Please take this horrible situation and allow good to come of it."