Day 328

Saturday, January 29th, 2011

Day 328 - My bedroom looks quite different as you can imagine.  Shortly after Leigh passed it became the "storage shed" for furniture.  Now it's housing all the exercise equipment.  I was working out (using that term very loosely) a couple nights ago and saw a few pictures of Leigh on the wall.  I'll think about different things when I see pictures of her, different memories.  That night my thoughts went to all the times we struggled as a couple which led to feelings of regret.  While people have talked to me about the possibility of remarriage I realized that for Leigh Ann I was to be her only husband.  God knew Leigh would live 35 years and she'd only be married once - to me.  And so, between sets, I graded myself.  Thirteen years worth of marriage, how did I do?

I've been told in grieving it's natural to focus on the mistakes rather than the blessings, the do-overs you'll never get, the things you can never change.  Though Leigh and I had some very good times I immediately went to the arguments, disagreements, frustrations, and disappointments.  I remembered the many times I let Leigh Ann down, so many unnecessary fights, so many wasted tears.  I looked at the pictures on the wall of us smiling and wondered if she was simply posing - going through the motions.  Obviously sadness flooded my heart.

As God has been good to me and had provided these past 10 months so He did again in my bedroom.  Feeling pretty bad about how I handled our marriage I happened to glance at Leigh's nightstand.  For some reason I haven't cleaned it off and so there lay on top two or three of her prayer journals.  Shortly after she died I read many of her entries but then put them down and haven't picked them up for months.  I don't look at her side of the bed too often and forgot they were even there.  And for no good reason I picked up the one that was on top and flipped to the entry that was marked what I thought was the date - January 26th.  I had my dates wrong and the date was actually January 27th (ironically, Leigh had made no entry for the 27th).  This happened to be a journal she kept several years ago when it was just her, me, and Caden.  This is what I read, "What a tremendous blessing You have given me in Greg..."

I'm smart enough to know Leigh could have filled 10 journals on how I could've been a better husband and better father.  But God knew on that night I needed to hear from her that it wasn't all bad.  That our marriage had just as many spectacular times as it did challenges.  So He directed my eyes to "what a tremendous blessing You have given me in Greg..."  

Tears flowed and I'm not really sure how the rest of the workout went.  My heart went from deep regret to calm and content.

In my moment of need God showed up.

"For I am the LORD your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you." - Isaiah 41:13

"Father, thank You for helping me the other night.  Thank You for Leigh Ann and the great times we had, and though I wish there were more, I thank You for the 13 years we were husband/wife."

Day 323

Monday, January 24th, 2011

Day 323 - When Leigh and I were married from time to time there would be an occasion where one of us would be out of town leaving the other at home alone. When Leigh was gone and I was home it felt like a mini-vacation in the sense that it just felt different.  And in all honesty it wasn't half-bad.  Making decisions on my own, eating what I wanted, staying up late.  Being married for 13 years can make a guy forget what it's like to be single.  How things have changed. 

Different for me now would be having someone to talk to after the kids go to bed.  Different would be not having to know where the kids are every minute of the day.  Different would be saying "good night" to someone as I climb into bed.  Different would be telling another adult "I love you" (or hearing it for that matter).  Different would be looking over at the passenger's seat and seeing someone.  Different would be watching someone get the kids ready for church.  Different would be showing up to an event with someone.

Widow, single, single parent, whatever the label it all equates to one thing - different.  Things now are just different. 

Had a mild case of emotional schizophrenia tonight.  Getting ready for bed I took the pillows off of Leigh's side and tossed them to the ground.  I keep pillows on her side though they're never used.  I instantly felt alone.  The room felt larger than normal and more quiet than usual.  It dawned on me that for over 300 days no one has slept in our bed but me (the occasional son/daughter has slipped in every now and then), which I'm fully aware of but was nonetheless hit with feeling incredibly alone.  That feeling triggered feeling angry toward the kid who killed Leigh Ann.  I was instantly back at the funeral home looking at her in the casket trying to get a grip on the reality that she is dead.  It was a senseless death and so I'm angry.  And just as soon as I'm at the height of anger I'm challenged with the thought of my present life which, though single and difficult, is intact because of my friendship with Jesus.  That He is in my bedroom with me and though I miss the interaction with another human I will always have Christ.  So I'm brought from anger to a quiet peace.  Alone, angry, peace. 

I long for the day when it's just peace.

Prayer Requests:
- The kids continue to miss Leigh Ann.  Prayers for their hearts to be filled with God's peace.
- I continue to struggle with being alone.  Prayers for continued trust in God's timing.

"Father, how deep is Your love for us.  Thank You for not leaving me even in my darkest hour.  May my strength to get up each day and put on a smile be only because of the news I can share with others - that there is hope in the One who saved me.  You alone are worthy of my praise."

Day 320

Friday, January 21st, 2011


Day 320 - No prayer requests or prayers, just a brief post tonight...If words carried weight these next four would crush a small planet - I miss Leigh Ann.  That may or may not mean much to anyone else and that's okay.  I saw a picture of her today while I was teaching and I was instantly brought to a place of missing my wife so very much.  Life was right with Leigh Ann.

Day 316

Monday, January 17th, 2011

Day 316 - Knowing the kids will one day read these entries and probably wonder what their dad was experiencing that first year of losing his wife I wanted them to know that today, 316 days since this journey began, I miss their mother so very much.  Life continues to move forward and I anticipate better days ahead but today I simply wanted to spend the day with Leigh Ann.  So if the kids ever wonder when I "moved on," it wouldn't be today.

I remember Leigh going on a mission trip in college.  We'd been dating for two years and I knew when she returned I was going to ask her to marry me.  The 60 days she was gone seemed like an eternity.  I'd note in my journal that we only had 36 days left, or 15 days left.  The anticipation grew by the minute.  And when I saw her again for the first time at the airport our embrace lasted a very long time.  I can still picture it in my head.  I knew I wanted to spend my life with this beautiful, godly girl, and I couldn't wait for our adventure as a married couple to begin.

We're now apart once again.  This time I'm the one on the "mission trip."  I'd like to think she's counting down the days 'til our reunion though that's probably wishful thinking.  I know we're in Heaven to glorify God and what a joy that will be, but my flesh wishes the first thousand years could be spent just with my wife, enjoying married life with her.  No fighting, we both know what true sacrificial love looks like, we both look great, and we get to live in a mansion!  How stinkin' cool would that be?!

I dream that because truth be told I'd give anything to be married to Leigh Ann again right now.  I wouldn't care if we lived in a shack and didn't have two nickels to rub together.  Just being able to spend time with her again as her husband would make life instantly better.  It could rain every day for a year and I'd wake up grinning ear to ear.  Heck, I don't know if I'd even go to sleep.  I'd spend the first half of the night just watching Leigh sleep and the second half thanking God that I'm her husband.

I can't dwell on this for very long because none of this will ever come true.  The pain I know so well will return, the tears will flow, and I'll be no closer to her.  So  know I'll call it a night and with the little energy I have I'll try to continue to believe that God's plan is good (Rom 8:28).

 "Father, please let Leigh Ann know that she deserved much better when she was on Earth but if it's any consolation I now know that.  And if I could have a second chance she'd be very impressed with what I've learned these past 10 months.  Please give her my best.  Thank You for saving her."

Day 314

Saturday, January 15th, 2011

Malia had the opportunity to spend the afternoon/evening with Grandma Peggy so I took advantage of the day and made it a "boys day/night out."  Caden and I watched every second of the Steelers beating the Ravens.  What a fun time it was to see my son get as excited as me!  Then it was on to the mall for some shopping, eating, and playing.  While we all continue to miss Leigh Ann (Bay made a toast "to mommy" at dinner), it was a precious few hours walking around with the boys. 

"Children are a gift from the LORD; they are a reward from him." - Psalm 127:3 (NLT)

"Father, thank You for the little moments in life.  Thank You for my sons.  May they grow up to be men of God who love You more than life itself.  May Leigh Ann know we miss her so much but we're trying our best to be a happy family."

Day 309

Monday, January 10th, 2011

Day 309 - Back rubs.  I miss giving and getting back rubs.  Put the kids to bed, sat down on the couch and was reminded by my sore neck that I miss back rubs.  It's the little things that, added up, make this journey what it is.

Received texts from a few friends today letting me know I'm in their prayers.  Obviously God's timing as I've been more tired than usual.  Not physically sick, just tired/overwhelmed.  So hearing that others are praying for me are literally words that possess strength. 

Something else that I found encouraging...yesterday I did some last-minute preaching as a friend had to make an emergency trip out of town.  I shared a bit of my story with the congregation and after both services there were several who approached me to share their story.  A high school freshman wanted to let me know he lost his mother when he was seven.  A young woman wanted me to know her co-worker was killed three months ago leaving behind his new bride.  A woman, my age, wanted me to know she lost her husband 14 years ago, was a single mom for the first seven years that followed, and is now remarried with a family double the original size.  These "strangers" suddenly felt like family.  We could stare into each other's eyes and sense an immediate connection.  A familiarity as we swapped pains and heartaches. 

At the end of the second service a man approached me to share his story.  My age, three children, lost his wife two years ago, has not remarried.  We might as well have known each other for 20 years there was that much of a kindred spirit. 

I drove away drained, but it was a good drained.  I also drove away thanking God that His plans are not ours.  What seemed like I was going to do some "pinch-hit preaching" turned out to be exactly what several people needed, myself more than anyone. 

May I continue to stay open to the opportunities put before me.  Life is too short not to.

"Father, thank You for allowing me to see you at work.  I don't deserve it.  I pray for those who are grieving, those who feel lost and confused.  May they meet You this week in a new way.  May they find their rest in You tonight."

Day 305

Thursday, January 6th, 2010

Day 305 - Tenth Month

Dear Leigh Ann,

The lights have come down, the tree has been put back in the box, the decorations have all but disappeared.  The holidays I've dreaded have come and gone.  I have a one-month stretch with no major ones before your birthday (2/5) so I'm going to try and take advantage of some much needed down-time. 

I was asked by someone if I'm doing better or worse since last March.  There's no easy answer but I did respond by telling him while I don't cry as much, the intense pain is stll here.  I think it's because I can't control when I come across something that triggers a memory of you.  A song, a picture, a location, a person, and in an instant I'm back at the way our lives were before 3/6/10.  This still happens dozens of times every day.  It's both the pain of not having you with me as my wife and not having you with me to be a mother to our children.  You'll always be my wife and you'll always be Caden, Bailey, and Malia's mother.  We just miss making new memories with you.

I was desperate need of you last night as Bay and I had to experience some parent/child discipline together.  He made some poor choices and after learning his fate (a brief spanking) he tried everything to stop the inevitable.  He even hid in the closet!  The discipline came and went and as we got ready for bed he asked if he could say prayers.  He bowed his head and said, "Dear Jesus, I hope you had a good time with mommy today.  I really missed her today Jesus.  Amen."  It was all I could do not to start weeping and prolong bedtime by another hour.  We're all praying those prayers Sug.  The kids and I miss you so much and we're in such need of you and your love.  I hope Jesus is keeping you busy because you're still in high demand down here. 

Single life is hard Sug.  I miss the hugs, the kisses, the talks.  I miss confiding in someone.  The bond that a husband and wife share, the non-verbals, the winks, reading each other's minds.  All of that.  I miss all of that.  I love asking the kids about their day, I love playing with them (tonight my Barbies asked Malia's Barbies if they wanted to dance so we all danced while she sang "Party in the U.S.A"), I love hearing what they're thinking.  But I can't tell you how much I miss being able to do all those things and then put them to bed and spend the rest of the night with my wife.  Remember how we'd set up Blokus after the kids were in bed?  You won just about every time!  What I wouldn't give to lose to you in a game of Blokus right now. 

You'd be so proud of the kids and how they're holding up.  This has to be so difficult for them but they're still smiling and trying the best they can to live with joy.  Caden just started voice lessons, Bay is playing basketball, and Malia starts dance next week.  So many things the kids are involved with that I wish we could enjoy together.  They're turning out to be good kids Sug.  I pray they'll always know who gave them their great foundation. 

School is in full-swing.  My students are so good at flexing with me.  They're hearing way more than they want to about my life but it's helping me to talk openly.  And wouldn't you figure that this semester I'm teaching Marriage and Family?!  Rest assured your name comes up many times throughout the day!  I love talking about you and I want everyone to know what a privelege and honor it was to be your husband.  You truly were the best. 

Sorry for this being a short letter Sug.  It's the end of the night and I'm flat-out tired.  Tomorrow will come soon enough and while I will be talking your ear off in Heaven, for now I'll have to say, "good night."  I don't know if I could miss you any more than I do.  I love you.

-Me

"Father, please take care of my kids.  They miss their mother and You have her, so I'm asking You to fill the void.  Touch their hearts even tonight.  I love You even though I don't understand why all this is happening.  I'll continue to trust in You because You are good."

Day 300

Saturday, January 1st, 2011

Day 300 - New Year's Day

After spending the past 9 1/2 months going to bed alone, last night wasn't much different.  Had a great dinner with good friends and after they left I had a few hours until the clock struck 12.  Malia made it until 10 and the boys lasted 'til 12:30.  After the fireworks (Gilbert now allows low level fireworks) we called it a night. 

Today is a different story.  The reality of a new year juxtaposed against an entire year without Leigh Ann isn't sitting very well with me.  These are the days when couples sit down to plan out the year, make resolutions, gain a sense of anticipation of what lies ahead.  For me the day is enveloped in aloneness knowing that every day this year, no matter how wonderful, will be lived without Leigh.  The joy of a new year has been lost in sadness.  

The same old thoughts have invaded the day.  A year without hugging, kissing, holding.  The kids enduring a full year without their mother.  The countless memories that will be void of Leigh Ann.  The weight of parenting three kids alone.  I really want to be excited for this year, I just can't get there today.  By God's grace maybe tomorrow.

I'm reading another book on Heaven (90 Minutues in Heaven, by Don Piper) and am finding similar feelings of comfort and hope as when I read Heaven is for Real.  And while there are some discrepancies between the two accounts (i.e. - the age of people in Heaven, if we have wings in Heaven, etc.), both books are worth the read.  Figured I'd balance things out so I'm also reading 23 Minutes in Hell, by Bill Wiese.  A sobering reminder that not everyone is Heaven-bound. 

I'm not big on New Year resolutions especially when I know how unpredictable life is, but if I were to deem 2011 a "successful year," it'd be because: 1) I drew closer to the Lord, 2) I drew others closer to the Lord, 3) I drew closer to my kids, 4) Those who have prayed and sacrificed so much for me/kids were blessed by the Lord.  If those four things happened, amidst all the "firsts" that still are to be lived through, I'd say 2011 would be a year worth living in.

One day at a time.

"Father, thank You for not abandoning me this year.  I need You more than ever, to be a faithful child of the King, and a better father to my children.  I have absolutely no expectations only to draw near to You.  May I atleast do that."

Day 297

Wednesday, December 29th, 2010

Day 297 - The kids and I departed on the 26th to spend a few days with Leigh's side of the family up in Flagstaff.  It was a time to spend together as a family, make some new memories, relax, and enjoy the snow...

I got home a day before the kids so I had some time alone.  I stopped by a Christian bookstore and picked up a book knowing when I got home the house would be pretty quiet.  I wasn't looking for anything in particular but God has a way of leading us to exactly what we need doesn't He?  I picked up a copy of, Heaven is For Real, by Todd Burpo and when I got home I read it cover to cover. 

Todd's son Colton was 3 1/2 years old when his appendix burst but went undetected for five days.  Colton had emergency surgery and miraculously survived.  While being operated on he apparently had visited Heaven.  The book is a recollection of several conversations Todd had with Colton regarding his experiences.

I've read a few books on Heaven (I especially recommend Heaven by Randy Alcorn) and am cautious when reading NDE's (Near Death Experiences) because I want to stay true to God's Word.  And though we'll never know for sure until we see Jesus face to face, I was greatly comforted with what this child had to share.  All of his accounts were consistent with biblical truths.

I filtered every word through the reality of Leigh Ann being in Heaven and what she might be experiencing.  I found myself reading with excitement, hope, and a renewed strength/faith.  I was reminded that our life on Earth doesn't end but it continues on in a wonderful place populated with loved ones, angels, animals, and of course the Trinity. 

It's been a long, somewhat sad holiday season and this spiritual "pick-me-up" was exactly what I needed.  Leigh Ann is alive in Heaven!  There is joy, laughter, worship, and love where she is!  There is a Heavenly Father who is loving on His kids and comforting them in a way humans never could.  There is a Savior who is preparing a place for all those who will say "yes" to Him.  There are angels preparing for a battle that will end in victory!

Colton said he saw his sister in Heaven.  When told his sister is still living he responded, "my other sister."  The Burpos had experienced a miscarriage and Colton was explaining to mom/dad that his "other sister" is alive and well and waiting for them!  In addition to our three children, Leigh and I experienced a miscarriage several years ago.  Could it be that Leigh Ann is in Heaven with our fourth child?!   

Yes the days continue to be long without Leigh but I was reminded of how wonderful her surroundings are and how wonderful my surroundings will be one day!

"And He who sits on the throne said, 'Behold I am making all things new." Revelation 21:5

The life we're living is not in vain.  It all matters and all the pain and suffering will one day come to an end.  Until then may each of us live with eternal hope!

"Father, thank You for this reminder of how much You love us.  Thank You for the reminder that Heaven is real.  Thank You for picking me up out of my helplessness and moving me into a place of joy, even if it's just for today."

Day 294

Sunday, December 26th, 2010

Day 294 - Headed to Flagstaff for a couple of days but wanted to let you know how appreciative the kids and I were/are for all your prayers and support yesterday.  I received so many texts letting me know we were being prayed for.  How encouraging.  We began the morning with prayer and a few minutes into opening gifts Caden broke down and wept.  I joined in and Bailey and Malia came over to to comfort us.  We quickly realized that even in a room full of presents nothing can replace the absence of someone you love. 

I think the crying allowed us to move on and enjoy the rest of the day as much as we could.  The kids had so much fun opening their gifts and we had so much fun watching them.  I felt covered in your prayers and though there were pockets of sorely missing Leigh Ann most of the day was spent enjoying the many blessings of God - kids, family, and friends.  We're blessed to be surrounded by so many people whom we love and are loved by.  And though someone was missing I was able to catch a small glimpse of what Heaven must be like, celebrating Jesus' birth in community.

New memories being made...

First glimpse of what's under the tree!

We always start things off with the stockings!

A kid and his firetruck!

Dolls for Malia!

Malia struggled getting some of the wrapping off!

Golf anyone?!  Bailey got a new set of clubs!

More dolls!  Malia got one that walks and talks by itself.  So help me if I find that thing walking down the hallway in the middle of the night!

Look out Bobby Fischer! 

Look out James Taylor!

There was one more present on the back porch!

I foresee lots of family time on the back porch.  But no mercy - you'll have to earn your wins!!

Caden's favorite team (Steelers) with his name on the jersey!

Malia is ready to roll!

Thanks again for all your help in making this a day to remember.  God is still good even in the pain. 

"Father, thank You for all the saints who had us in mind yesterday.  It's a great feeling knowing you're being prayed for.  Bless them I pray."