Day 267

Monday, November 29th, 2010


Day 267 - Leigh Ann's grandmother (Peggy's mother) passed away early Sunday morning.  The funeral will be on Thursday in Kansas.  A few of us will be heading out Wednesday morning.  Would appreciate prayers. Losing a daughter and a mother in the same year.  One can only imagine the hurt.  Caden asked me if Leigh's grandmother knew Jesus and because she did I was able to tell him yesterday morning Leigh and her grandmother were enjoying being reunited in Heaven.  What should have caused joy in me (and I think deep down it does) instead produced tears.  I still can't believe Leigh is gone.


I decided to break out the Christmas decorations this afternoon.  Terribly surreal to be in the attic pulling down all the Christmas boxes by myself.  I invited good friends to come over to help decorate because I just couldn't do this by myself.  Even with friends it was nonetheless a painful evening racked with so many memories of years gone by.  Seeing the ornaments, the tree, the stockings, brought back the heaviness of Leigh not being here.  I very much wanted to be listening to Christmas music, hanging lights, and watching Leigh take pride in hanging ornaments on the tree.  I wanted to go over the shopping list with her and watch her get excited about what we were going to get the kids.  I wanted to tell her about the kids performing this year for my high school's Christmas concert.  Instead my friends and I tried to make the house look as festive as possible.  Funny thing is the house looks great.  You'd never know by the amount of holiday decor that anything is different.  If only that were the case.

Trying hard to be festive

Prayer Requests
- Pray for Leigh's family as the death of her grandmother is just settling in for everyone.

"Father, please show us, once again, Your love.  This is a week we all need to have You fill us with peace, understanding, and hope.  The pain is still strong.  I don't know when it will subside.  Certainly not this week.  Allow us to see You in the funeral.  May Leigh and her grandmother enjoy being reunited in Heaven.  We're all very jealous."

Day 264

Friday, November 26th, 2010

Day 264 - Received many emails/texts from people letting me know they were thinking about me and the kids yesterday.  Appreciate it very much.  Certainly was an emotional day.  Many of us were thinking about Leigh as was evidenced by the tears.  Hard to be truly thankful when you're missing someone as much as we all miss Leigh.  I had met with my lawyer the day before to wrap up things on the legal side of the accident so thoughts of Leigh Ann, the accident, the loneliness, the ramifications of her not being with us the rest of our lives, and missing her, were with me throughout  the day. 

The hardest part of grief seems to be living with those thoughts/feelings all the while trying to face each day with hope.  Many of us want to cry out during each event, "Does anyone hurt as much as I'm hurting right now?" But we don't because we know the answer.  We're all in pain and there's not much that can be done.  Meanwhile there are birthdays to be celebrated, holidays to be enjoyed, kids that are wanting dad to laugh and play.  So that's what we did yesterday.  We celebrated, enjoyed, and laughed.  No one was naive enough to think all is better.  We just don't know what else to do.  Do you cancel an entire holiday?  Do you spend the day inside with the shades drawn?  We chose to live in community even if our community is fractured.  And somehow, albeit painful, when we continue these get togethers celebrating a birthday or holiday, the reality of living without Leigh becomes just a fraction more doable.  A completely and utterly horrible situation but a fraction more doable. 

Continuing to trust in God has been difficult.  I don't doubt His love.  Infact I've probably received more blessings in the past nine months than I can remember.  My struggle rests in the "why" of Leigh's death.  It just didn't need to happen.  My hope of being reunited with her grows stronger each day but that hope is balanced with a broken spirit.  My faith has been and continues to be tested.

Yesterday the kids and I hosted our 4th Annual Thanksgiving Day Olympics.  Every other year we have family and friends gather at our house for some fun competition before over indulging in the Thanksgiving feast.  I won't bother boring you with who won...okay, I will bore you - the kids and I are the 4th Annual Thanksgiving Day Olympic Champions!  Some pics...

Two years ago at our Olympics.  Leigh Ann loved having fun.  We miss her so much.



This year's events...of course we had to have the sack race!

Slo-Mo Bike Competition!

Free Throw Shooting Contest!

Family and Friends!

Chip Shot Competition - Go Caden!

Frisbee Golf!

Water Balloon Toss! 

Handing out trophies - we spared no expense!

My dad, a.k.a. Team Old Folks, won an event!

Team Tonkinson celebrating!

Prayer Requests:
- Continued prayers for Peggy's mother who is battling Leukemia.  Very touch and go at this point. 
- An update more than a prayer request - my dog Scrappy is still fighting off whatever has been making him sick.  We found out it's not cancer.

"Father, thank You for so many family and friends who reach out to me and the kids every day.  Thank You for loving us through so many.  Thank You for the blessings that I so often take for granted.  But mostly thank You for the cross.  Thank You that Leigh Ann believed in Christ and now is rejoicing with the saints in Heaven.  Thank You that I had that opportunity years ago to have my sins forgiven and now live with the reality of seeing Leigh Ann again.  I miss her Father and I don't want to live my life without her.  Thank You that the number of my days left on Earth pale in comparison to how many await me in Heaven.  I love You."

Day 258

Saturday, November 20th, 2010

Tomorrow we'll celebrate Caden's 11th birthday.  Last night I took him on a father/son dinner/movie birthday night...

Caden's new favorite food...ribs!

Needless to say he was very excited!

It was a special night for the two of us.  Some much needed father/son alone time.  I don't do that nearly as much as I should. 

Tonight was spent over Grandma Peggy's celebrating her birthday.  A whirlwind of events that are in desperate need of Leigh Ann.  She has been on my mind a lot, I'm guessing because of all of the times family has gotten together recently.  When the parties are over I think of how much different they'd be if she could have been with us.  How much happier we'd all be, how different our conversations would be, how much more "normal" we'd all feel. 

I was cleaning out the garage today and came across Leigh's day planner.  It was with her the night she died and someone had put it in a plastic bag because it had been doused with gasoline.  I flipped through it and landed on March 6th where she had written, "Leigh Work."  I stared at those words and thought, "If only she didn't have to go to work that day.  If only someone had offered to take her shift.  If only she weren't feeling well and had to take a sick day."  God is sovereign and March 6th was her time to join Him in Heaven.  I know that.  But if there ever was a time when I wanted to change His sovereign plan it was this morning.  Life is simply too hard and not the same without her. 

Prayer Requests:
- Prayers for Caden and the family as we celebrate his birthday.
- Prayers that I would lead my family in being sensitive to those in need especially during this time of year.

"Father, I simply don't understand why Leigh Ann had to die when she meant the world to so many of us?  Why couldn't she have lived a long life?  Why did she have to go to work that day?  Please help Caden enjoy his birthday without his mother.  Please help all of us be at peace tomorrow.  Show us how to do life without a mother, daughter, wife, sister."

Day 253

Monday, November 15th, 2010

Day 253 - Caden cried himself to sleep tonight.  "I miss mommy so much," was what I heard between the sobs.

I was frustrated, not at Caden, at how uncertain our family's emotional stability is right now.  It's a complete guess from day to day.  I got to the end of Saturday full of both joy and sadness.  Sunday was an "up," because I spent the evening discussing the Gospels with a group from my brother's church.  Sunday night was "iffy" because Malia and Caden have coughs/aches which makes bed time a chore.  Today went well until I found out one of my dogs might have diabetes.  And then to walk in on my son, who should be having a good week (he turns 11 on Saturday), and trying to comfort him because he hates not having Leigh Ann around.

I understand all families have emotional highs and lows but this is something different.  The person that held our family together, made us stronger, made us happier, made us more connected was suddenly ripped from our lives.  Now we're trying to live without her and though it's been eight months we haven't figured it out yet.  Nothing feels natural. 

Mondays are hard.  Monday everything starts all over again.  Driving to work this morning I saw Leigh Ann in my mind, I heard her voice, and could remember what it was like to have her here.  There was a brief moment of joy because of all the wonderful memories.  But the more I drove and the more the reality of beginning another week without her began to settle in (like it does every Monday) the more "grey" the day became.  So, once again, I then have to make a conscious decision not to re-live the night Leigh was killed.  It's too easy to go back to March 6th and start back in with all the unanswerable questions.  But if I go down that road (which I've done countless times) then I have to dig myself out of this huge emotional hole before I have to start teaching.

This morning I chose to turn my attention to God and thank Him for whatever He had in store for me.  I hated doing it because this meant having to put my thoughts of Leigh aside.  Then again all I have of her now is memories and living in the past can prove to be very unproductive.

As I watched Caden cry I thought he should be spending the week getting excited to celebrate a birthday.  But his reality will forevermore be one of learning to live with both joy and sadness.  I so wish I could change that for him but knowing I can't maybe we can walk down this difficult path together encouraging each other with the hope we both have of one day living together with Leigh in Heaven. 

Prayer Requests:
- I really would like it if my dog (Scrappy) didn't have diabetes.
- I'd love for my kids to feel better.
- I'd love for Caden's party this weekend to be full of smiling faces.
- Praise that the seminar yesterday went well.

"Father, another Monday and they're not getting any easier.  Take Caden's heart and fill it with Your peace tonight.  Let us all gain some understanding from what has happened.  Prepare us now for another day tomorrow without Leigh Ann.  And please let her know how much we love her.  Thank You for the sacrifice Christ made so that I will be able to worship You forever with Leigh Ann close by."

Day 251

Saturday, November 13th, 2010

Day 251

Celebrating my birthday today without Leigh Ann.

Breakfast with the kids, golf with family/friends, dinner with family.  The agenda is full (purposefully) and I'm glad to not have to spend the day alone.  Caden woke up right after me and is trying his best to help me celebrate (maybe a little too much at 6:30 a.m.!).

Feels very surreal not to be spending the day with Leigh.  Her absence is weighty.  Certainly a day to put my full trust in the Lord.

Prayer Requests:
- Kids are on the verge of getting sick (throat, flu, etc.).  Prayers that their bodies will heal.
- I'm giving a seminar tomorrow night on the Gospels.  Prayers for preparation and delivery.  

"Father, it's another day where I need to be filled entirely with Your peace.  Another day where it's too tempting to get caught up in missing Leigh Ann.  Thank You for the family and friends that are helping me make the most of today.  Thank You for my kids who want to see me happy.  May my joy be found in the Lord today." 

Day 244

Saturday, November 6th, 2010

Day 244 - Eight Months

Dear Leigh Ann,

I have to hope that your night is going better than mine.  Caden and Bailey are crying themselves to sleep for missing you so much.  Caden has put up such a good fight these past few months but tonight he was tired of fighting.  "I know Mommy is in Heaven but I get so impatient and I want to see her again so badly."  I cried with him trying to encourage him that we may have to wait another 50 years but there will come a day when Mommy will never not be there.  We both cannot wait to see you again.

As I walked in to Bailey's room I found him crying, holding a picture of the both of you.  Caden's crying probably prompted Bay to start in on some of his own but the more I held him the more I could see that he really does miss you.  You meant the world to both he and Caden, and though I don't think I could stand to see everyone crying night after night, it was good for us to admit we don't have this new life figured out yet.

Malia was bouncing from room to room trying to make the boys laugh.  She hates when we're all sad.  She walked in to Caden's room with Bay's Toy Story Alien-Head on and told us to go to bed!  I know she misses you so much but I was thankful that she felt strong enough to not cry tonight.  I would not have done well with all four of us in tears.  

I don't want to do another birthday or holiday without you.  I reaffirmed to Caden tonight that it just isn't fair that you were taken so early in life.  He said, "Mom must be so special to God because he took her to such a great place at such a young age."  I know he's right but I wanted to cry out, "That doesn't make it any easier on us though.  What about all she's missing and all we're missing and how hard living has become?  When is God going to make sense of all of this?  Who wants to live another moment without Mom?"  Instead I just cried a little more with him.

I'm so tired of missing you Sug.  I'm so tired of living without you.  I crave wanting to be with you again.  I missed so many opportunities to express my love to you.  I want another chance and I hurt beyond belief knowing I won't get one.  I now understand how much you mean to me and yes you're probably doing so well in Heaven, but I could make such a great husband/father if I had another chance with you.  

But if I can't have that opportunity this side of Heaven, I promise that every second of my eternity that isn't spent worshipping God will be spent letting you know how wonderful you are.  I will never get tired of telling you how much I think of you.  I will tell everyone in Heaven.  I will tell the angels, the saints, every soul I meet.  I love you Leigh Ann.  I love everything about you, and I want to tell you that over and over and over again.  Regardless of you being my wife, I just think you are a woman worth knowing.  You simply don't know how many times I've said or have heard others say, "I wish Leigh were here, she'd know what to do..." 

We're getting up each day and doing our best.  God has been so good to us, meeting our every need.  It's as if He's said, "You're going to go through hell but I'm going to be right there with you."  And He has been.  I've had so many opportunities to talk to people about Him, breaking open the Scriptures.  You know how jazzed I get when that happens so you can imagine how that side of life has been flat-out phenomenal.  I miss sharing those times with you but somehow I think you're aware of what's been going on. 

There has been a choir of random thoughts constantly popping in to my head that I need to somehow get control of.  I wonder where you are (exactly), what you're doing, what you look like, how much of me and the kids you're aware of, who you're getting to know, what you remember about the accident, what your first moments in Heaven were like, if you've talked to Jesus face to face, when will I see you again, if you'll be as excited to see me as I am to see you.  These thoughts are 24/7 - always there.  Nights have been a struggle as of late.  Too many hours lost in trying to find answers that I know will never come. 

I wish I had a better report for you Sug.  Eight months in to this and I can't say I'm any further along.  I don't feel like I am anyway.  I'm trying hard to live with hope but some days it just seems like our reunion is so far away.  I can only truly hope that if He gives me another 50 years, it will only feel like 10. 

I love you so much,

Me

"Father, I have not much to say other than may Your will be done."

Day 240

Tuesday, November 2nd, 2010

Day 240 - Not a good day for the Tonkinson kids...flu shots :(

Obviously not big fans of getting shots!  I'd show Malia's picture but you'd think she was getting her arm cut off!  Sure enough, 10 minutes later they were laughing, eating their lollipops, and wanting to know if they could play outside. 

I knew I'd miss Leigh not being there and was suddenly reminded of her absence when I signed the "shots records" and saw her signature for the previous shots.  I even miss her signature.