Day 297

Wednesday, December 29th, 2010

Day 297 - The kids and I departed on the 26th to spend a few days with Leigh's side of the family up in Flagstaff.  It was a time to spend together as a family, make some new memories, relax, and enjoy the snow...

I got home a day before the kids so I had some time alone.  I stopped by a Christian bookstore and picked up a book knowing when I got home the house would be pretty quiet.  I wasn't looking for anything in particular but God has a way of leading us to exactly what we need doesn't He?  I picked up a copy of, Heaven is For Real, by Todd Burpo and when I got home I read it cover to cover. 

Todd's son Colton was 3 1/2 years old when his appendix burst but went undetected for five days.  Colton had emergency surgery and miraculously survived.  While being operated on he apparently had visited Heaven.  The book is a recollection of several conversations Todd had with Colton regarding his experiences.

I've read a few books on Heaven (I especially recommend Heaven by Randy Alcorn) and am cautious when reading NDE's (Near Death Experiences) because I want to stay true to God's Word.  And though we'll never know for sure until we see Jesus face to face, I was greatly comforted with what this child had to share.  All of his accounts were consistent with biblical truths.

I filtered every word through the reality of Leigh Ann being in Heaven and what she might be experiencing.  I found myself reading with excitement, hope, and a renewed strength/faith.  I was reminded that our life on Earth doesn't end but it continues on in a wonderful place populated with loved ones, angels, animals, and of course the Trinity. 

It's been a long, somewhat sad holiday season and this spiritual "pick-me-up" was exactly what I needed.  Leigh Ann is alive in Heaven!  There is joy, laughter, worship, and love where she is!  There is a Heavenly Father who is loving on His kids and comforting them in a way humans never could.  There is a Savior who is preparing a place for all those who will say "yes" to Him.  There are angels preparing for a battle that will end in victory!

Colton said he saw his sister in Heaven.  When told his sister is still living he responded, "my other sister."  The Burpos had experienced a miscarriage and Colton was explaining to mom/dad that his "other sister" is alive and well and waiting for them!  In addition to our three children, Leigh and I experienced a miscarriage several years ago.  Could it be that Leigh Ann is in Heaven with our fourth child?!   

Yes the days continue to be long without Leigh but I was reminded of how wonderful her surroundings are and how wonderful my surroundings will be one day!

"And He who sits on the throne said, 'Behold I am making all things new." Revelation 21:5

The life we're living is not in vain.  It all matters and all the pain and suffering will one day come to an end.  Until then may each of us live with eternal hope!

"Father, thank You for this reminder of how much You love us.  Thank You for the reminder that Heaven is real.  Thank You for picking me up out of my helplessness and moving me into a place of joy, even if it's just for today."

Day 294

Sunday, December 26th, 2010

Day 294 - Headed to Flagstaff for a couple of days but wanted to let you know how appreciative the kids and I were/are for all your prayers and support yesterday.  I received so many texts letting me know we were being prayed for.  How encouraging.  We began the morning with prayer and a few minutes into opening gifts Caden broke down and wept.  I joined in and Bailey and Malia came over to to comfort us.  We quickly realized that even in a room full of presents nothing can replace the absence of someone you love. 

I think the crying allowed us to move on and enjoy the rest of the day as much as we could.  The kids had so much fun opening their gifts and we had so much fun watching them.  I felt covered in your prayers and though there were pockets of sorely missing Leigh Ann most of the day was spent enjoying the many blessings of God - kids, family, and friends.  We're blessed to be surrounded by so many people whom we love and are loved by.  And though someone was missing I was able to catch a small glimpse of what Heaven must be like, celebrating Jesus' birth in community.

New memories being made...

First glimpse of what's under the tree!

We always start things off with the stockings!

A kid and his firetruck!

Dolls for Malia!

Malia struggled getting some of the wrapping off!

Golf anyone?!  Bailey got a new set of clubs!

More dolls!  Malia got one that walks and talks by itself.  So help me if I find that thing walking down the hallway in the middle of the night!

Look out Bobby Fischer! 

Look out James Taylor!

There was one more present on the back porch!

I foresee lots of family time on the back porch.  But no mercy - you'll have to earn your wins!!

Caden's favorite team (Steelers) with his name on the jersey!

Malia is ready to roll!

Thanks again for all your help in making this a day to remember.  God is still good even in the pain. 

"Father, thank You for all the saints who had us in mind yesterday.  It's a great feeling knowing you're being prayed for.  Bless them I pray."

Day 293

Saturday, December 25th, 2010

Day 293 - It's 12:30 a.m. on Christmas morning.  I just peeked in on the kids - sound asleep.  I can only hope their heads are being filled with good dreams tonight.  I want them to have a great morning filled with childlike awe, wondering what's under the wrapping paper.  I want them to still act like children even though they've had to mature quite a bit this year.  I want them to be excited to be celebrating Jesus' birth with family and friends.

For me, I sit and look at the presents under the tree and I simply feel tired.  The shopping, building, and wrapping is finished and at the moment I've not much left in the tank.  I'm hoping a few hours of sleep will put me in the Christmas mood.  I have a incredible new found respect for all single parents especially during this time of year. 

I wish Leigh Ann could see our tree right now.  Every year she'd get excited to wake up and watch the kids open their gifts but this year I think she'd be really excited.  I got the kids a ping pong table all set up sitting on the back porch.  They'll have a blast thinking they've opened all their gifts and then to be surprised with one more!  Leigh would have had a tremendous amount of fun spending the rest of the morning playing ping pong with the kids.

It won't ever be the same and in a few hours I'll experience my first Christmas without her.  I remember how we'd wake up extra early, get the video camera out, start making breakfast, and then wait for each of the sleepyheads to remember it was Christmas morning and then come running out into the living room.  We both love watching the kids open their gifts but it was those few moments before the kids woke up when it was just the two of us that were pretty special.  All the presents still neatly wrapped under a beautifully lit tree, the house still quiet and peaceful.  We'd talk about each of the gifts and how excited we'd think the kids would be.  Christmas for Leigh was never about herself, it was always about the kids.  I loved watching her watch the kids because her joy was found in their happiness.  I'll forever miss that part of our "new" Christmas mornings. 

People have wanted me to think about Leigh's first Christmas with Jesus and I'm sure it'll be beyond spectacular.  Truth be told it doesn't do that much for me in this very hour.  I'd just assume Leigh be with me and the kids enjoying our sub-par but good enough for us Christmas day.  Maybe in a year or two I'll be very glad she's personally wishing Jesus a Happy Birthday, and certainly I can live with the hope of one day celebrating Christmas with Leigh in Heaven.  But today...today all I want is to spend the day with my wife watching our kids smile, and laugh, and play.  

I've been told many times this week that several will be especially praying for me throughout the day. I can only say, "Thank you," as I'm in great need of your prayers. 

Better get to bed.  Kids will be waking up soon and the day will become very busy very quickly.  Another "first" is right around the corner.  May one of my presents be a box of joy and peace.

Merry Christmas.

"Father, without Christ's birth there would be no death.  Without His death I'd never see my wife again.  So I will praise You for Jesus.  And I thank You for an occasion to celebrate His birth.  It looks to be another difficult day so I'd pray for my heart to find true joy not in the gifts but in Your Son, His birth, and most certainly His death.  Thank You that Leigh Ann and I will see each other again.  May my dreams tonight be filled with that hope.  And though I'll miss her tremendously throughout the day I pray her heart will be full.  I love You Father." 

Day 290

Wednesday, December 22nd, 2010

Day 290 - For the past two days I've had the incredible privilege of helping a local family receive, wrap, and deliver Christmas presents to children who are battling brain cancer.  Kate McRae (http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/mcraekate) is a 6 yr. old who has been bravely fighting this disease herself for a 1 1/2 years.  Last year her mother, Holly, decided to share some Christmas joy with other cancer patients and their families by starting "Kate's Krazy Kool Christmas!"  It was such a success they did it again this year.  Holly was given the names of a dozen or so local families who have been affected with brain cancer and are being treated at Phoenix Children's Hospital.  So once again she put out the call for people to give to these kids. 

I responded to the request to come help receive, wrap, and deliver gifts over the past couple of days.  I decided to bring Caden because I thought this would be a great opportunity for him to see what Christmas is all about.  I can't begin to put into words what we encountered when we pulled up to the McRae's driveway, so I'll post some pictures below (and even the pictures won't do justice).  Thousands of presents and gift cards had already arrived and more were being delivered each day. 

For two days Caden and I walked amongst thousands of toys, clothes, games, and gift cards and picked out items for these kids and their families.  I've never had so much fun wrapping presents.  There we were in the driveway or on the sidewalk or in the front lawn wrapping up gifts for these families who are going through so much right now.  I'm not sure there's a greater feeling than being a part of helping others.  And believe me, my part was incredibly minimal.  Holly and her family deserve all the credit.  Having gone through so much themselves and yet still willing to help others.  So much was donated that Holly can now give to many other families in need this Christmas.  How cool is that?!

I knew all the wrapping was worth it when Caden pulled out a gift card he had gotten for his birthday and said, "Dad, maybe one of the kids would like this one?"  May he/I never lose sight of what really matters.  I don't do things like this enough and these past two days were a strong reminder for all of us to take the opportunities to do something for others this week.  Whether it be a kind word, a prayer, some money, or wrapping gifts for kids who are fighting for their lives.  Build some memories this week. 

Some pics of our time with Kate's Krazy Kool Christmas...



A few of the gifts that in the process of being wrapped!



Gifts came in from all over the country and world!

The "Target" Gift Card Bag!

The "iTunes" Gift Card Bag!

The back of my van - Santa eat your heart out!

Some of the kids who are fighting the good fight - Kate is third from left!

Holly - the awesome Organizer - with her friend Thomas!

"Father, thank You, thank You, thank You for people like the McRaes.  They have their own enormous battles and yet they're spending their days being the hands and feet of Jesus.  May me and the kids walk in their footsteps and never do another Christmas where all the focus is on us.  May we see the need around us and act out in love - Your love.  Bless the McRaes and everyone who gave to this wonderful cause."

Day 287

Sunday, December 19th, 2010


Day 287 - A little levity...

When I was back in Kansas for Leigh Ann's grandmother's funeral I had a chance to get up on a horse and do a little riding.  Funny thing is, I don't ride...

Q:  Is this really you?
A:  Yes

Q:  Are you riding a unicorn?
A:  The picture makes the horse look like a unicorn but this is actually a roping horse.  His name is "Ringo," and he's 16-hands (whatever that means).

Q:  Was any photo editing devices used in any form whatsoever?
A:  Not to my knowledge

Q:  How many times prior to this photo have you ridden a horse?
A:  Once or maybe twice but never doing a full gallop

Q:  Were you scared?
A:  I've been on a lot of scary rides.  This one tops them all.  Amazing feeling to be on this huge animal and feel very "out of control!"

Q:  Riding a horse, especially when you don't know what you're doing, can be risky.  Was it worth the risk?
A:  First off, I had a 30-second training session so I was somewhat prepared.  Second, life is all about the adventure.  Those two minutes on that horse - that was some adventure!

Day 283

Wednesday, December 15th, 2010

Day 283 - Malia's great love these days is children.  She adores her baby cousin Liam, constantly wants to go over to the neighbors to play with their newborn, and when she can't be near a real baby she finds comfort in playing with one of the dozens of dolls in her room.

Tonight turned out to be a difficult one as Bailey and Malia spent a few minutes before bedtime watching a video of Leigh Ann.  Bay had asked to use my laptop so he and Malia could watch a video in his room.  I just didn't know it was that video.  Had I known I wouldn't have allowed them to watch it, not because I don't want them remembering Leigh, but because I know what this does to them especially right before they have to go to bed.

Bailey's crying lasted for quite some time but after back scratches and hugs he calmed down (enough to shut his eyes).  Malia, who rarely cries from missing Leigh, had her head buried in her pillow when I went into her room.  After several attempts to get her to turn over she admitted that she too was sad.  And when she started to cry the only thing I could think of was babies.  I told her my guess is that mommy is up in Heaven taking care of all the little babies who have died before their mommys and daddys.  I told her mommy is really busy and that one day she may need a helper and I asked Malia if she'd like to be mommy's helper one day.  She said she'd like that.  Then she shut her eyes and now she's asleep.

There's no magic formula to grieving.  You try your best to remedy the situation and tonight the thought of Malia helping Leigh Ann in Heaven seemed to have worked for her.

I'll admit not too much these days is working for me.  I see three "babies" right in front of me that are in desperate need for their mother.  Only God knows how all of this makes sense.

I continued to watch the video and I should have taken my own advice - not a great thing to do before bedtime. 

"Father, bring peace to Bailey and Malia tonight.  Let their little hearts find rest in You."

Day 281

Monday, December 13th, 2010


Day 281 - Kids and I were able to do some ministry together last Friday night.  My school held it's annual Christmas Extravaganza whereby a host of students sang, played instruments, and acted for a sold out crowd.  I had the privilege of bringing the message while the kids joined the children's choir and sang a few numbers.  A great way to spend a Friday night...

Somewhere in the middle of this cloud of grief that seems to be hanging over me this Christmas season I was able to find reprieve by watching the kids get all dressed up and sing their hearts out.  I was able to find satisfaction and maybe even some purpose when I was able to tell a crowd of 700 the wonderful news of our Savior.  The evening was a much needed break from gift lists, to do lists, parties, events.

It's been a few days and now it's back to gift lists, to do lists, and events.  I'm seeing Leigh Ann more in this holiday than the others.  Makes enjoying it rather difficult but there's not much I can do about it.  Thankfully all the running around keeps me from sitting at home dwelling on what is to come.  Watching the kids open presents by myself will be surreal I'm sure.  But this is our reality and so we'll live in it as best we can.  The experts say that year one is the hardest.  We're finding that out during this holiday season. 

Prayer Requests:
- Prayers for one of our Valley Christian H.S. students who lost her mother to cancer over the weekend.  Memorial service will be on Saturday.  A tragedy that this student will spend Christmas without her mother. Thankfully the mother knew the Lord and I'm sure is rejoicing with Leigh in Heaven!
- I'd love prayers for strength.  Just a tough season for me right now.

"Father, thank You for continuing to unfold Your plan for me and the kids.  Thank You for opportunities to tell others about You.  May You comfort Katie and her family as they begin to discover what life is like without their mother.  Please take care of them this week.  I love You."

Day 274

Monday, December 6th, 2010


Day 274 - Nine Months


Dear Leigh Ann,


As Malia and I drove home from her Little Ladybugs Preschool Christmas performance tonight the reality set it that it's futile to continue to add up all the events we've done without you.  Life continues and we're trying our best to be a part of it because we know that's what you would want.  We can't stay idle though I could have very easily hibernated these past nine months.


The hurt is still here.  Every event that's added to the calendar is still painful to carry out.  Driving to and from parties, celebrations, performances without you still produces tears.  I want you to be a part of all this.  The kids are growing up and they miss seeing you at all the things that matter to them.  I miss seeing you because I know how excited you'd be for them.  I hurt so much because of all that you're seemingly missing.  Not having an ounce of an idea of what Heaven is like I doubt you're feeling completely the same but if for any reason you think, even for a second, that we're doing okay without you, we're simply not.  God is taking good care of us but we desperately want you back.  I need you more than I've ever needed you. 


I continue to replay the accident over and over again.  It's still fresh in my mind and still very surreal.  It had to be your day to work.  It had to be you at the stop light.  It had to be your car that got hit first.  It had to be such a careless driver.  I know that's all a part of the past and you wouldn't know what you know about Heaven had all of that not happened.  I know God has taken you to a place I'll be some day.  And I know our reunion will "heavenly."  Guess I'm in a season of missing you so much that sadness and loneliness are currently trumping faith and hope.


Life continues to be busy.  School is almost out and I'm still preaching quite a bit.  I was asked to share the message at the Christmas concert this Friday.  I'm not sure how prayer works in Heaven but if you get a chance I'd love some prayers for that message.  It's supposed to include an invitation to the gospel and I just want people to know how true salvation, Heaven, and hope are.  Feel free to invite some heavy hitters to pray with you - Paul, Peter, Calvin, Luther, C.S. Lewis, you know, whomever you happen to cross paths with :) 


The kids are ramping up for Christmas.  You should see their wish lists!  Oh my.  On one hand I want to get them everything because it's been such a difficult year.  But I don't want to set a precedent either.  I need your help Sug to find that balance of making it a fun Christmas morning but not an "I just went in to debt" Christmas morning.  Believe it or not I haven't run us in to the ground yet financially!  Infact, dare I say, you'd be somewhat proud!  Okay, maybe not proud but you have to admit that there was some serious betting going on in Heaven since you got there as to how long I could go before having to sell everything just to pay the mortgage!  You were so good with our books and I miss having another voice to help with the "business" side of life.  So many things about you I took for granted.  Your intelligence and knack for numbers were just a couple.


I'd talk more about Christmas but I just can't without completely losing it.  All to say this is an incredibly difficult time for us.  You brought so much life to this holiday.  I don't know how we'll get through Christmas day without you so again, call some of your newly made friends over to your mansion and have a little prayer meeting for your pathetic husband.  I fear the day will be heavy and dreary and that doesn't seem to work too well when there are presents for the kids to open. 

I'm sure by now you've seen your grandmother.  Hope you two are catching up on things.  The funeral was bittersweet.  It was the first funeral we've attended since yours and it was so hard to sit through.  Flashbacks were coming in rapid succession and there wasn't any place to go.  I just kept staring at your grandmother's casket and seeing yours.  The pastor read Psalm 23 and I thought, "here we go again."  Your passing will never be a distant memory.  Certainly wasn't what I had planned for last week but death is never convenient and I'm glad I was able to be with your family during another loss.  What a year it continues to be.   


I've talked your ear off long enough so I'll let you go Sug.  My heart literally aches to spend some face to face time with you so once again be prepared to clear out your calendar for a few thousand years when you get the news that I've finally made it Home.  You'll be the first person I'll look for. 

I'll talk to you before Christmas.


I love you...still.


Me

"How long, O LORD? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? How long must I take counsel in my soul and have sorrow in my heart all the day? How long shall my enemy be exalted over me? Consider and answer me, O LORD my God; light up my eyes, lest I sleep the sleep of death, lest my enemy say, "I have prevailed over him," lest my foes rejoice because I am shaken.

But I have trusted in your steadfast love; my heart shall rejoice in your salvation. I will sing to the LORD, because he has dealt bountifully with me."   -Psalm 13, NLT

 Prayer Requests:
- Prayers that the kids would sing well for the Christmas concert this Friday
- Prayers that I would bring a message of hope on Friday to those who need it
- Praise - I have the opportunity to lead worship at our high school chapel on Wednesday with my brother, good friend Amy, and a few of our staff.  It's a praise because the people I'm playing/singing with are all super talented.  I'm like a kid in a candy shop!
- Prayers that I don't screw up this great chance I have to sing/play with such talented people :)

"Father, nine months seems like nine minutes.  Everything is still painful.  Losing Leigh Ann has come with intense hurt.  I don't want it any more.  I want to be with her again. I want to see her and hear her and hold her.  Please take care of both of us.  Please fill my heart with peace and understanding."