Day 121 - Four months has now passed since Leigh Ann died. For those who have been in this "game" much longer, four months is like a drop in the bucket. I guess I'd say the same to someone who is four days into his/her loss. Saddens me to think there are those who have gone four years, fourteen years, some even forty years. Will I really post a journal entry some day saying it's been four years since Leigh Ann died? Fourteen years? Will I be eighty-one years old and write that it's been forty years? Should I live to that age I guess so.
I don't know what "moving on" is. People say that to me. You see it in the movies. Someone goes through something traumatic and it seems like life is over for them, yet in exactly 128 minutes the sun is back out and the person has "moved on." Things are back to normal or even better. Four months later and I'm not seeing it in my "movie." Things will never again be normal. The kids will never again wake up and have breakfast with their mom and dad. Malia will never again go clothes shopping with her mom. Caden will never again have his mother's wisdom to help him with girls. Bailey will never again have his mom tickle him before he goes to bed. I'll never again look at the woman I married 14 years ago and ask her out for a Friday night date. We're at the four month mark and things are not better. No matter how many pictures I can post of the four of us smiling, Leigh's death still weighs tremendously heavy on our hearts. My heart aches every hour of every day.
The kids are growing up. I know that seems odd in that it's only been four months. But it's true. I see it. I see it in their actions, their words, their looks. The first few weeks after Leigh died time seemed to stop. Every decision revolved around the accident. Today it feels like the clock has begun ticking again. Bailey still goes to bed each night even without the tickles. Caden's interest in girls is slowly growing and he'll still need some wisdom. Malia will need to go clothes shopping for her upcoming year of preschool. Life continues on and we'll have to adapt. I certainly don't want it to be this way. I don't want to wake up one more day without Leigh Ann. But the painful reality of death is I'm left with no other choice.
The summer days continue without the one we love the most. Lots of "firsts" still ahead. Too many if you ask me.
Prayer Requests:
- Prayers that I'd continue finding peace in God's Word.
- Prayers that I'd know how to handle the times when the kids are fighting.
- Prayers to experience more of God's love.
"Father, it's a really tough day today. I'm not looking forward to many more days if they're going to be like this. I know You're good and I know You have a plan. I pray today that I'd see some of Your plan unfold. I do love You and my life is Yours. Just don't understand why You allowed Leigh to go when she had so much to give."
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