Day 136

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Day 136 - We welcomed my nephew into the world sometime after 9 p.m. last night.  20 inches or so, and a little over 8 lbs (I know all the ladies want exact time, height, and weight - sorry!).  The boy is already a serious cutie!  Caden had the closest guess to the baby's actual birth date so he was the first to discover the baby's name.  And after we had all gathered in the hospital room Reagan (Leigh's sister) and Jaime gave Caden the honor of announcing to us for the very first time, "Liam Gabriel Guzman!"

Liam was named in honor of his aunt Leigh Ann.  I can barely write that without crying.

We were at the hospital all day as Reagan started contractions yesterday morning.  It was good to sit and wait with a host of family members and our good friend Andra (we took over an entire waiting room!).  The waiting part seemed to go well - lots of excitement and anticipation.  The postpartum experience was a little different.  Such a confusing room to be in.  I'd look at this new life and my heart was flooded with joy.  The first child for this wonderful couple, the pride they were feeling, the miracle of birth.  And then I would wish a thousand times over for Leigh Ann to be there with us.  I could so easily picture how excited she would have been.  How big her smile would be.  How she would have doted all over her nephew.  How it would have taken a team of horses to drag her away from him.  It was something she was looking forward to the moment she found out Reagan was pregnant.  And now the day had arrived and Leigh was missing. 

Tears were falling for most of us in the room.  But our sadness was eclipsed by sheer delight as we all stared at this healthy baby boy.  Our prayers that he will bring such happiness to Reagan and Jaime. 

I'd by lying if I said the sadness has left me.  I'd be lying if I said that times like last night leave me confused, frustrated, and dare I say angry that Leigh died, that God let her die.  Even after sleeping on it I can't remove the thoughts that there will be many more times like this to come.  Bailey and Caden exclaimed last night that they can't wait to have kids of their own.  While we have a few years until that happens there will come a day when I'll welcome grandchildren into the world.  And we'll be right back to last night.  Both terribly sad that Leigh isn't there and terribly excited to welcome a new life.  I want it back to where we were just terribly excited.  

The reality of losing a spouse, a mother, a daughter, a sister is here to stay.  It's not going anywhere.  Every joyous occasion will be forever joined with an undertone of sadness.  And I guess that's okay. It was okay for us to cry last night and still be happy.  And it will be okay in years to come.

Prayer Requests:
- That God would keep little Liam healthy during these first few critical weeks.
- That God would fill the void that Leigh has left in our hearts.

"Father, thank You for a healthy baby.  Thank You for the miracle of new life.  May You somehow let us know Leigh is excited for this little baby and that she's okay not being here.  I'm awfully sad that she isn't here for times like this.  Please allow the joy to eclipse the sadness."