Day 144 - This morning's conversation as Bailey woke up:
Dad: Good morning Bailey.
Bay: Morning Dad.
Bay: Dad, now that Mommy's gone I think I like you a lot better than I used to.
Not exactly sure what to do with that other than laugh a little and realize once again that life will forever be different for Caden, Bailey, Malia, and me. I'm hoping over the years the four of us grow to not only love each other but to like each other a lot. So far so good.
I sacrificed some alone time this morning to play Connect 4 with the kids. Nothing to receive an award for but it was a hard decision based on how the day began. I woke up to Caden sitting in my recliner in my room staring at me. Right after the "good mornings" he launched into talking about every imaginable topic known to mankind. He followed me in to the kitchen with more random thoughts and he would have gone all morning if I didn't duck away for a shower. Upon my return the other two kiddos were up and about ready to engage. When the invitation came to sit down and play the game I was very tempted to tell them to play by themselves while I finished my coffee and head off to do some reading. Instead I plopped down on the floor and enjoyed 20 minutes of family time. The kids will never remember this morning but I will. It's one more memory I'll have of the four of us getting to know each other post Leigh's death. With school just around the corner the times when the four of us will wake up and play games will be few and far between.
Certainly a challenging week emotionally. Leigh Ann's presence has been in high demand. Little Liam continues to bring all of us great joy. But the joy is matched with a yearning to want Leigh here to experience this new life with us. As well there have been several events in my life and the lives of our family and friends that have called for Leigh's incredible wisdom, encouragement, friendship, and love. We have none of that now. Everything she brought to the table by way of beauty, intellect, grace, understanding, compassion, friendliness, and joy is gone. God's timing of Leigh's death continues to be a immense mystery to me.
Josh Wilson sings the song, "Before the Morning." Prior to March 6th this song would have come on the radio and I would have heard it but not understood it. I listened to it today and God used it to be an incredible source of hope. A few of the lyrics:
Do you wonder why you have to,
feel the things that hurt you,
if there's a God who loves you,
where is He now?
Maybe, there are things you can't see
and all those things are happening
to bring a better ending
some day, some how, you'll see, you'll see
Would dare you, would you dare, to believe,
that you still have a reason to sing,
'cause the pain you've been feeling,
can't compare to the joy that's coming
so hold on, you got to wait for the light
press on, just fight the good fight
because the pain you've been feeling,
it's just the dark before the morning
Psalm 30:11-12 says, "You have turned for me my mourning into dancing; You have loosed my sackcloth and girded me with gladness, that my soul may sing praise to You and not be silent O LORD my God, I will give thanks to You forever."
I can't say that I'm dancing right now. But I can sing praise to God and not be silent. I can give thanks to God forever. The lyrics of the song are true. The pain I'm feeling can't be compared to the joy that's coming. Leigh Ann is in the midst of experiencing that joy and she's waiting for you and me to join her.
The many who mourn over Leigh's death can take God's Word to be true. Our pain is terrible. We're in the darkness. But the morning is coming. Our mourning will be turned to dancing. If not now, certainly in Glory. I don't say this lightly: Join me in the hope we have in Christ.
Prayer Requests:
- For making the transition back to teaching
- For all our family to enjoy the rest of the summer
"Father, thank You for saving Leigh and giving her Heaven. I don't understand Your timing but I'll trust in You. I pray one day I my mourning would be turned to dancing. For now I pray for Your grace and peace."
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