Day 124

Friday, July 9, 2010

Day 124 - "Who stole the cookies from the cookie jar?  Malia stole the cookies from the cookie jar..."  Actually there was no jar but there were cookies.  Malia came into my room tonight and asked if she could have a cookie.  I specifically told her she could have one cookie before bed (sorry to all those who forbid sweets).  Bailey followed Malia by 15 minutes asking if he could have five cookies.  "No, you may have one cookie."  "Then why does Malia get five?"  After summoning Malia to my room she entered with three cookies in her hand (btw - we eat Chips Ahoy! in my house), and chocolate all over her cheeks.  There were questions asked, justifications given, and lots of darting eyes.  Malia did hear me say only one cookie and she disobeyed me and took five.  It's two minutes to bed time.  What do I do?  

When Leigh was alive this would have been an easier decision.  One of us could play disciplinarian and one could play comforter.  But now I have to have that delicate balance of playing both roles.  I have to show a four-year old that disobeying dad comes with consequences and at the same time tell her she never has to be afraid of telling me the truth.  I can't tell you how much I missed Leigh Ann in that very moment.  

I sent Malia to her room and told her I'd be in to discuss her poor choices.  When I walked in her room she was lying on her bed, blankets over her face.  I was at a loss for words knowing that she was ready to lose it at any moment.  "Malia, I need you to know that taking five cookies makes daddy feel bad because I told you to take only one.  Now when you ask me for a cookie I'll have to come with you to make sure you only take one.  Do you understand?"  The loud sobbing began.  It's late, I'm tired, and now I feel bad that my daughter is crying her little eyes out because she thinks she's done something terrible. 

I was tempted to get off her bed, leave the room, let her finish crying, and then enter back in for some more dialogue.  Instead I laid down next to her and put my arm around her and let her cry 'til she was done.  I wanted to communicate to her that I will always love her even when things don't go so well.  Maybe by just being there, snuggled together, she got the message.  The crying eventually stopped and we laid there until she told me she was ok.  At least one of us was ok.

This is the second time in 24 hours that I've had to play "judge," and, "comforter."  Bailey, allegedly, hit his sister in the stomach after she, allegedly, knocked a toy out of his hands.  I only heard the testimonies from both parties and then had to make an immediate decision.  One thing I don't tolerate is my kids hitting each other.  So I took Bailey to his room and administered some discipline.  He cried pretty hard.  I know it's cliche, but I felt bad.  Not because he had to be disciplined, but because he had no other parent to listen to his side of the story.  He had no other parent to come in and gently explain why it was wrong to hit his sister.  He had no other parent to hold him and tell him it was going to be alright.  I tried to do all of those things but I wonder how much weight it carries when I'm also the one who carries out the discipline. 

124 days since Leigh died.  Seems like I find new reasons to miss her almost daily.  I needed my wife tonight, the kids needed their mom tonight.  Life isn't all that fair.  

Leigh, if you're listening, please know that you're missed more than you'll ever know.

Prayer Requests:
- Wisdom to know what to do as a parent.
- For God's love to be the source of my kids' feeling loved.

"Father, I know there are so many people worse off.  I know I have so much to be thankful for.  But in moments like tonight, when I'm missing Leigh Ann so much, I just can't get past why she had to die.  I think the kids are getting short-changed and I'm frustrated.  I'm thankful Leigh knew You and that You've given her eternal life.  I pray she would know how much we love her and miss her."