Sunday, July 18, 2010
I know we'll see each other again one day but in case that day isn't for another 50 years (and sadly it could literally be 50 years until I see her face to face) I can't let my heart begin to get excited about something like that. Too much pain because I want to be near her so badly. I really can't remember what it's like to be in the same room with her. I can picture bits and pieces of seeing her come into a room with her infectious smile, or sitting around the table playing games and laughing, but they're only bits and pieces. And honestly I'm tired of having to strain my memory to try and remember what life was like when Leigh was here.
What stinks about tonight is that today was actually a good day. I led worship for my brother's church, the kids had some pool time with their cousins. But then we got home and "missing her" kind of settled in for the night.
I fixed dinner and it was just the four of us around the kitchen island.
I enjoyed eating with the kids but tonight was a night when the five of us, not four of us, would be talking about how fun the weekend was, and what we're going to do during our final weeks of summer. Tonight was a night to listen to Leigh Ann talk about how excited she is because her sister is due to deliver her first baby any day now. It was a night where I needed to hear "Mom," peppered throughout the dinner conversation. Instead we chatted briefly and then moved to another activity. My activity was to watch some videos of Leigh, which caused the tears to fall, which caused Bailey to ask, "Are you thinking about Mommy again?" Somewhat typical in our house.
Day 133 - One thing you end up missing when you're apart from someone for so long is their physical touch. I watched a video of Leigh (see tab under "media") because I was in need of hearing her voice. Seems like forever and a day ago since I heard Leigh's voice. But as I watched her on film I ended up missing not just what she sounded like but I missed just being able to be near her. To be in the same room with her again. To be so close to her that I could reach out and hug her. I miss holding her hand. One reason I think Heaven will last forever is because when I see Leigh again I will hold her for at least that long.
I know we'll see each other again one day but in case that day isn't for another 50 years (and sadly it could literally be 50 years until I see her face to face) I can't let my heart begin to get excited about something like that. Too much pain because I want to be near her so badly. I really can't remember what it's like to be in the same room with her. I can picture bits and pieces of seeing her come into a room with her infectious smile, or sitting around the table playing games and laughing, but they're only bits and pieces. And honestly I'm tired of having to strain my memory to try and remember what life was like when Leigh was here.
What stinks about tonight is that today was actually a good day. I led worship for my brother's church, the kids had some pool time with their cousins. But then we got home and "missing her" kind of settled in for the night.
I fixed dinner and it was just the four of us around the kitchen island.
I enjoyed eating with the kids but tonight was a night when the five of us, not four of us, would be talking about how fun the weekend was, and what we're going to do during our final weeks of summer. Tonight was a night to listen to Leigh Ann talk about how excited she is because her sister is due to deliver her first baby any day now. It was a night where I needed to hear "Mom," peppered throughout the dinner conversation. Instead we chatted briefly and then moved to another activity. My activity was to watch some videos of Leigh, which caused the tears to fall, which caused Bailey to ask, "Are you thinking about Mommy again?" Somewhat typical in our house.
Tomorrow is a new day. It will be like today in that it will have highs and lows. Nonetheless it will be new. Another chance for me to see what God has for me. Another chance to make Him known to others. Another chance to not answer the question, "why her and why not me?" but rather to accept the reality and to make the best of it. Another day to praise Him for His peace, goodness, and strength. And another day to miss the one I love most.
Prayer Requests:
- Prayers that I'll be able to be honest with my kids about how I'm feeling day to day
- Prayers for the upcoming school year"Father, thank You for a tremendous weekend with friends and family. Thank You for providing a time for sweet fellowship. As my heart continues to break may I continue to trust in You. Thank You for never letting go of me. Thank You for taking good care of Leigh Ann. Please let her know I love her so much and I miss her tremendously. I love You."
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