Friday, September 24th, 2010
Day 201 -
Dear God,
Made it through another week. The kids are safe, the house hasn't burned down, the van still runs, I still have a job. I guess you could say it was a success.
On the other hand, my 201st day feels like my 20th day or my 100th day. Tiring, unsettling, solitary. I look at the kids and still find it a challenge to believe the four of us is all we have. Another Friday night without hearing Leigh Ann's voice is still as painful as it was six months ago. I'm missing her so much Father. So many times I feel as if I'm just going through the motions. I got to the end of another week but for what? Work, kids, sleep. Get up and do more of the same. I know I was doing the same a year ago but it just seemed different. It was different. There was more color in my world. Leigh Ann infused life into our family. She made the mundane interesting.
I miss having my wife tonight. Nothing's terribly wrong but nothing's terribly right either. I'll watch some t.v. with the kids and then they'll go to bed. I'll stay up a little while and then I'll go to bed. I'd very much enjoy talking with Leigh late into the night and sleeping in tomorrow. Watching t.v. and laughing only to hear her ask from the kitchen, "what's so funny in there?!" I'll eventually fall asleep tonight, wake up tomorrow and start making the kids some breakfast. No more Friday night talks of Leigh and I getting away for a night or planning what we'll be doing for the holidays. No more weekends spent cleaning around the house and then taking the kids out for dinner. I'm sad at how many times I hated to clean around the house. How could I have not liked being some place where Leigh was? I can barely remember what it was like to go outside and mow the lawn knowing my wife was inside making everyone lunch. That all I would have to do is walk around the corner and there she would be. What I wouldn't give to have her just around the corner right now. Why can't that happen just once more Father? Why must I wait until Heaven to see her again?
I had to talk with someone yesterday who just lost his wife to a car accident and all I could see was where I was six months ago. It just doesn't seem right. How lonely will his Friday nights now be?
All that to say that my pain is real tonight God. I'm at the end of another week and while the days are full they're also racked with hurt. Nothing specific. Just an overwhelming feeling of being done with being a widow.
So God, You can have my pain tonight. I'm freely and willingly giving it to You. I'm tired of feeling beat down, beat up, frustrated, angry. You can have my heart which contains this gaping hole of constantly missing Leigh Ann. You can have my cries tonight which no one else will see or hear. You're big enough, caring enough, and loving enough, so take it all. I've got three kids I need to go and be with.
"Come to Me all who are weary and heavy laden, and I will give you rest." - Matt 11:28
Thank You Jesus for that promise. I will take You up on that tonight.
Friday, September 24, 2010
Monday, September 20, 2010
Day 197
Monday, September 20th, 2010
Day 197 - I was able to get away with a few friends from Thursday night to last night. Flew to Sioux Falls, SD and drove up to Nisswa, MN (near Brainerd) where one of the guys has a cabin (don't feel bad - this cabin was unbelievable!). Four days of cold weather, eating high-calorie local fare, laughing, and hitting a lot of very bad golf shots. Oh and we hit/killed a young deer (I won't show a picture - yes, we took a picture - but think of Bambi lying on the side of the road).
Day 197 - I was able to get away with a few friends from Thursday night to last night. Flew to Sioux Falls, SD and drove up to Nisswa, MN (near Brainerd) where one of the guys has a cabin (don't feel bad - this cabin was unbelievable!). Four days of cold weather, eating high-calorie local fare, laughing, and hitting a lot of very bad golf shots. Oh and we hit/killed a young deer (I won't show a picture - yes, we took a picture - but think of Bambi lying on the side of the road).
Spent time with great friends Jeremy, Jarrod, and Eric
The golf courses were immaculate and the scenery was awesome
Weather was in the 50's, scores were much higher!
Not too often I have to wear layers when I play golf in AZ!
The cabin backed up to Gull Lake and we were treated to beautiful sunsets
Ok, I lied - here's the deer. Thumpty thump off the side of the SUV.
I was very glad to see the kids this morning before I left for work. We all missed each other and it was good to get a few hugs in. But it was also good to have some adult time. I knew the kids were well taken care of and it was good just to concentrate on a few things I love, namely food, golf, more food, and more golf. Now it's back to reality.
Prayer Requests:
- Bailey's arm is still in a cast. Another doctor's appt on Thursday to make sure it's setting correctly.
- Preaching this Sunday. Prayers for time to prep.
"Father, thank You for allowing me some time away to regroup. Thank You for providing for the kids while I was gone. Thank You for all the help I get each day. I pray You would bless those who are doing so much for me and the kids."
Saturday, September 11, 2010
Day 188
Saturday, September 11th, 2010
Day 188 - Peggy brought Bay and Malia to my classroom yesterday to share some lunch with me. As we were eating several of my students came to Bailey and asked if they could sign his cast. Imagine that. Several high school students wanting to sign the cast of a six-year old?! These students were simply being nice to my son. They'll never know how much it meant to me that they would reach out to him.
God could have placed me anywhere this year knowing what kind of year I was going to have. He chose to put me at Valley Christian High School and I can say with confidence it was a brilliant choice. The staff and students are beyond caring, kind, and encouraging to me. I feel the body of Christ, in an "Acts" type-way, most every day I step on campus. I can't imagine another place/group of people that could minister to me and the kids better than my VCHS family. Thank you all.
Prayer Requests:
- Preaching tomorrow. Prayers that I don't screw up :)
- Prayers for Bay as he now realizes having a cast isn't all it's cracked up to be.
- Prayers for all who are struggling today because of the loved ones they lost nine years ago on 9/11.
"Father, You do know best. Thank You for guiding my path three years ago to Valley Christian. You knew I'd need them this year. Thank You for young adults who love You and express that love in so many ways to me and the kids. Thank You for co-workers who see me more as a brother in Christ than a co-worker. Thank You for surrounding me with people who care more about my life than my abilities. Thank You for loving me through others."
Day 188 - Peggy brought Bay and Malia to my classroom yesterday to share some lunch with me. As we were eating several of my students came to Bailey and asked if they could sign his cast. Imagine that. Several high school students wanting to sign the cast of a six-year old?! These students were simply being nice to my son. They'll never know how much it meant to me that they would reach out to him.
Prayer Requests:
- Preaching tomorrow. Prayers that I don't screw up :)
- Prayers for Bay as he now realizes having a cast isn't all it's cracked up to be.
- Prayers for all who are struggling today because of the loved ones they lost nine years ago on 9/11.
"Father, You do know best. Thank You for guiding my path three years ago to Valley Christian. You knew I'd need them this year. Thank You for young adults who love You and express that love in so many ways to me and the kids. Thank You for co-workers who see me more as a brother in Christ than a co-worker. Thank You for surrounding me with people who care more about my life than my abilities. Thank You for loving me through others."
Monday, September 6, 2010
Day 183
Monday, September 6th, 2010
Day 183 – Six Months
Dear Leigh,
It’s been six months without you. Ironically, I write to you from a place of great familiarity. More on that in a moment.
The kids and I are trying to figure out life without you. How do we live knowing we’ll always miss you but also knowing God hasn’t called us home yet? I’m not sure where we’re at in the process but each day we’re slowly figuring out how to live on our own. Everyone is pitching in and doing their part. Malia is quite the helper and has done so well at recruiting her brothers to “help clean Bailey and Caden!”
The kids are expressing how much they miss you in different ways. Bailey has been crying a few times a week right before bed time. I guess something about the way you put him to bed reminds him of how it used to be. Caden is asking more philosophical and theological questions – about life, Heaven, etc. We sat on the porch swing this morning and talked for quite some time. Malia has had to tell a few people about you dying. You’d be so proud of the way the kids are handling themselves. I’m asking a lot of them and they’re complaints are minimal.
I’m missing you too. More than I’ve ever missed you. School is in full swing and things are going so well. I’ve wanted to tell you so many things since classes started. I think I miss that most. Talking to you. There’s just no one to talk with like we used to talk.
Does Room 315 ring a bell? That’s where I’m at right now as I write to you. Bailey broke his elbow yesterday and needed surgery. We went to Mercy Gilbert but after talking to a few people we decided to move him to PCH. As we were getting checked in one of the nurses asked if we wanted to stay on the 3rd floor after the operation. Bay wanted to stay in a room “mommy worked in.” The whole family joined me in the waiting room. The surgery went fine and so they wheeled him up to room 315. I thought it’d be comforting to be here sug, but I was met with several pictures of you the minute I walked off the elevator. You are so loved by your co-workers. Everyone is so glad to have us spend the night on your floor and they’re taking great care of Bay. But seeing your pictures and all the nurses wearing Unit 3 shirts brings back so many strong memories. Too strong for right now. I needed you so much yesterday. The kids and I have been through so many “firsts,” but I didn’t think that taking one of them to get surgery on a broken bone would be a part of that list. Many family and friends stayed with us the entire day and that was great. They went out of their way to show Bailey (and me) a great deal of love. I just hated telling all the admin nurses that Bay doesn’t have a mother any longer. I wanted you to look at his arm and help me decide what we should have done.
Some have said that they could "feel" you throughout this whole thing. That you were here with us in your old stomping grounds. I don't know about any of that. I didn't feel much other than missing you.
I know you’re wanting me to keep trusting God, keep praying, keep hoping for Heaven. I know you know we’re in His hands and that everything will be alright. I know you can see things so much differently that we can. I don’t know how it all works but I know you’re aware of what we went through yesterday and I know you’re praying for us. Just seems like the “perfect storm,” with Bay ending up on your floor the exact day of your 6-month “going home,” date.
I can’t look out past today sug because it’s too hard to imagine the rest of my life without you. So I’ll focus on today – getting Bay discharged, picking up his meds, taking him home, and getting him used to his cast. We’ll be okay but don’t ever, even for a second, think we don’t want/need you here with us. This weekend was another blatant reminder that life will forever be different without you.
My love is always for you. I count each day as just one more day closer to our reunion. I’ll serve our Lord as best as I can until then. Take care honey. I’ll see you so very soon.
-Me
Prayer Requests:
- That God would heal Bay's little body
- That God would make the next six months go by quickly
"Father, thank You for giving Bay a good operation and allowing his body to begin the healing process. Thank You for reminding me how little in control I am and how much I need to depend on You. Please continue to make Yourself known to me and the kids. Missing Leigh is such a part of our lives but I don't want that to consume us. I want to be consumed in knowing You."
Day 183 – Six Months
Dear Leigh,
It’s been six months without you. Ironically, I write to you from a place of great familiarity. More on that in a moment.
The kids and I are trying to figure out life without you. How do we live knowing we’ll always miss you but also knowing God hasn’t called us home yet? I’m not sure where we’re at in the process but each day we’re slowly figuring out how to live on our own. Everyone is pitching in and doing their part. Malia is quite the helper and has done so well at recruiting her brothers to “help clean Bailey and Caden!”
I’m missing you too. More than I’ve ever missed you. School is in full swing and things are going so well. I’ve wanted to tell you so many things since classes started. I think I miss that most. Talking to you. There’s just no one to talk with like we used to talk.
Does Room 315 ring a bell? That’s where I’m at right now as I write to you. Bailey broke his elbow yesterday and needed surgery. We went to Mercy Gilbert but after talking to a few people we decided to move him to PCH. As we were getting checked in one of the nurses asked if we wanted to stay on the 3rd floor after the operation. Bay wanted to stay in a room “mommy worked in.” The whole family joined me in the waiting room. The surgery went fine and so they wheeled him up to room 315. I thought it’d be comforting to be here sug, but I was met with several pictures of you the minute I walked off the elevator. You are so loved by your co-workers. Everyone is so glad to have us spend the night on your floor and they’re taking great care of Bay. But seeing your pictures and all the nurses wearing Unit 3 shirts brings back so many strong memories. Too strong for right now. I needed you so much yesterday. The kids and I have been through so many “firsts,” but I didn’t think that taking one of them to get surgery on a broken bone would be a part of that list. Many family and friends stayed with us the entire day and that was great. They went out of their way to show Bailey (and me) a great deal of love. I just hated telling all the admin nurses that Bay doesn’t have a mother any longer. I wanted you to look at his arm and help me decide what we should have done.
Supracondylar Humerus Fracture
Ride in the ambulance (no lights or sirens) :(
Post-op success!
Recognizing Leigh Ann
On Leigh's old office door
I know you’re wanting me to keep trusting God, keep praying, keep hoping for Heaven. I know you know we’re in His hands and that everything will be alright. I know you can see things so much differently that we can. I don’t know how it all works but I know you’re aware of what we went through yesterday and I know you’re praying for us. Just seems like the “perfect storm,” with Bay ending up on your floor the exact day of your 6-month “going home,” date.
I can’t look out past today sug because it’s too hard to imagine the rest of my life without you. So I’ll focus on today – getting Bay discharged, picking up his meds, taking him home, and getting him used to his cast. We’ll be okay but don’t ever, even for a second, think we don’t want/need you here with us. This weekend was another blatant reminder that life will forever be different without you.
My love is always for you. I count each day as just one more day closer to our reunion. I’ll serve our Lord as best as I can until then. Take care honey. I’ll see you so very soon.
-Me
Prayer Requests:
- That God would heal Bay's little body
- That God would make the next six months go by quickly
"Father, thank You for giving Bay a good operation and allowing his body to begin the healing process. Thank You for reminding me how little in control I am and how much I need to depend on You. Please continue to make Yourself known to me and the kids. Missing Leigh is such a part of our lives but I don't want that to consume us. I want to be consumed in knowing You."
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
Day 178
Wednesday, September 1st, 2010
Day 178 - God's hand has been on me and the kids. Ministry opportunities keep presenting themselves and those that I've already participated in have gone extremely well. I've done well this week of shifting my focus from Leigh Ann to God. Leigh was always involved in my ministry and almost always after I would preach, teach, or lead worship, I would seek her out for feedback. I loved hearing her thoughts. Now, my audience is the Lord and I truly have no one else to please but Him. Because of this I feel a sense of freedom that's been missing for some time. I loved what Leigh had to say but admittedly there were several times when impressing her was a huge part of my motivation. After all, hearing "great job" from your wife never gets old.
Life is different now in so many ways, and probably most evident would be how much we depend on schedules. I got home from work today, quickly showered, and started up the van. The kids were with my mom and her SUV pulled into the driveway as I was opening our garage door. All three hopped out of one car right into another and off we went to our next destination. My posts have been scarce this week because the above-mentioned seems to be true of most days as of late. One event stacked upon another. No sympathy as these are all things I've agreed to. Just that life has become very busy, and busy leads to fatigue, and fatigue leads to an incredible ache for Leigh to be with me for all the reasons you can imagine. Such is the case tonight. I ache for her thoughts, her wisdom, her help. Working through, in my head, all the things that need to get done has gotten old. I'm tired of the "mechanical" feel life has right now. I'm tired of giving brief answers to those who ask how I'm doing or how my day was. I'm tired of missing having that lengthy conversation with Leigh at the end of each day that would help prepare me for the next. All in all, I'm just tired.
Prayer Requests:
- I'd love prayers for upcoming ministry opportunities. Several preaching dates, leading a weekly bible study at school, chapel speaking dates, and teaching two seminars. God has been so gracious with these opportunities. I just need some time to prepare.
- Prayers for patience with the kids. I love them more than life but they're still kids and at times they get the best of me!
"Father, thank You for continuing to show up. Day after day it's been so good to see You at work. Life has been so hard and yet so wonderful. And while I'm tired and ready to give up You keep proving how wonderful life can be. I love You and desire to serve only You. Thank You for my kids. May You protect their little hearts. Keep drawing them to Yourself."
Day 178 - God's hand has been on me and the kids. Ministry opportunities keep presenting themselves and those that I've already participated in have gone extremely well. I've done well this week of shifting my focus from Leigh Ann to God. Leigh was always involved in my ministry and almost always after I would preach, teach, or lead worship, I would seek her out for feedback. I loved hearing her thoughts. Now, my audience is the Lord and I truly have no one else to please but Him. Because of this I feel a sense of freedom that's been missing for some time. I loved what Leigh had to say but admittedly there were several times when impressing her was a huge part of my motivation. After all, hearing "great job" from your wife never gets old.
Life is different now in so many ways, and probably most evident would be how much we depend on schedules. I got home from work today, quickly showered, and started up the van. The kids were with my mom and her SUV pulled into the driveway as I was opening our garage door. All three hopped out of one car right into another and off we went to our next destination. My posts have been scarce this week because the above-mentioned seems to be true of most days as of late. One event stacked upon another. No sympathy as these are all things I've agreed to. Just that life has become very busy, and busy leads to fatigue, and fatigue leads to an incredible ache for Leigh to be with me for all the reasons you can imagine. Such is the case tonight. I ache for her thoughts, her wisdom, her help. Working through, in my head, all the things that need to get done has gotten old. I'm tired of the "mechanical" feel life has right now. I'm tired of giving brief answers to those who ask how I'm doing or how my day was. I'm tired of missing having that lengthy conversation with Leigh at the end of each day that would help prepare me for the next. All in all, I'm just tired.
Prayer Requests:
- I'd love prayers for upcoming ministry opportunities. Several preaching dates, leading a weekly bible study at school, chapel speaking dates, and teaching two seminars. God has been so gracious with these opportunities. I just need some time to prepare.
- Prayers for patience with the kids. I love them more than life but they're still kids and at times they get the best of me!
"Father, thank You for continuing to show up. Day after day it's been so good to see You at work. Life has been so hard and yet so wonderful. And while I'm tired and ready to give up You keep proving how wonderful life can be. I love You and desire to serve only You. Thank You for my kids. May You protect their little hearts. Keep drawing them to Yourself."
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Day 171
Wednesday, August 25th, 2010
Day 171 - Many of you have asked how life has been since the kids have been back at school and I've been back at work.
The new schedule is in full-swing. Gone are the days of working, talking to Leigh throughout the day, coming home to her and the kids, having some adult conversation over dinner, partly knowing the specifics of the kids' school work but partly not, playing with the kids, and going to bed with Leigh. I've come to terms, ever so slowly and painfully, that those days have vanished and are never to be seen again.
The rides to and from work are now spent in thought, prayer, and meditation. The events that take place at work are mostly shared between me and God. My evening is spent having my mom, or Leigh's mom, or my dad bring me up to speed on the kids, the house, the bills, etc. Dinner is spent hearing from the kids about their days (which I thoroughly enjoy), and mentally running through what else needs to get done before bed time. I'm informed about school activities, projects, homework, classmates, and birthday party invites. If there's time after homework and showers the kids and I will watch a show or play a game. The time I have after the kids are in bed is coveted though it doesn't last long. Fatigue gets the best of me and it's off to bed.
I'm often tired and at times don't think I have what it takes to do this day after day after day. And that's said even with the help of a small army of family and friends. My heart breaks for those who have to do this on their own. I would have lost my sanity many months ago had it not been for so many people acting in love, giving so much of their time to me and the kids.
So many things have brought Leigh Ann to mind these past few days and there's nothing I can do about it. The pain is ever present. I still feel the same as I did on Day 1 or 10 or 100. I don't have words to describe how much I miss her. One quick glance at a picture of her is all it takes to remind me of how much I lost on March 6th. She was my helpmate, my best friend, my companion, my love, and I'd very much like her back in my life.
I guess in the spectrum of "life after someone you love dies," the kids and I are on the "managing well" side of things. We're devastated, we're tired of this kind of life, we're wanting Leigh Ann back every minute of every day. But we're also stronger in our faith, deeper in our love, more aware of how simple life needs to be, and living with a certain hope. I've had the most sincere worship, the most honest conversations with God, and the most joy in Christ than I've ever had. How that works I'm not sure. Paul tells us that Christ's power is perfected in our weakness and that when we're weak then we're strong (2 Cor 12:9-10). Maybe that's what I see in my kids and in those around me. None of us like it but we're continuing to hold on dearly.
Prayer Requests:
- Prayers for our schedules to continue to provide quality family time.
"Father, I praise You for Your never ending love. Your grace is sufficient for me. I don't like what I'm going through and I so wish things were like they were 6 months ago. But they're not and my hope and trust are now fully and completely in You. I pray for Your peace, strength, and endurance. May I listen to the Spirit as He continues to teach me. Mold me."
Day 171 - Many of you have asked how life has been since the kids have been back at school and I've been back at work.
The new schedule is in full-swing. Gone are the days of working, talking to Leigh throughout the day, coming home to her and the kids, having some adult conversation over dinner, partly knowing the specifics of the kids' school work but partly not, playing with the kids, and going to bed with Leigh. I've come to terms, ever so slowly and painfully, that those days have vanished and are never to be seen again.
The rides to and from work are now spent in thought, prayer, and meditation. The events that take place at work are mostly shared between me and God. My evening is spent having my mom, or Leigh's mom, or my dad bring me up to speed on the kids, the house, the bills, etc. Dinner is spent hearing from the kids about their days (which I thoroughly enjoy), and mentally running through what else needs to get done before bed time. I'm informed about school activities, projects, homework, classmates, and birthday party invites. If there's time after homework and showers the kids and I will watch a show or play a game. The time I have after the kids are in bed is coveted though it doesn't last long. Fatigue gets the best of me and it's off to bed.
I'm often tired and at times don't think I have what it takes to do this day after day after day. And that's said even with the help of a small army of family and friends. My heart breaks for those who have to do this on their own. I would have lost my sanity many months ago had it not been for so many people acting in love, giving so much of their time to me and the kids.
So many things have brought Leigh Ann to mind these past few days and there's nothing I can do about it. The pain is ever present. I still feel the same as I did on Day 1 or 10 or 100. I don't have words to describe how much I miss her. One quick glance at a picture of her is all it takes to remind me of how much I lost on March 6th. She was my helpmate, my best friend, my companion, my love, and I'd very much like her back in my life.
I guess in the spectrum of "life after someone you love dies," the kids and I are on the "managing well" side of things. We're devastated, we're tired of this kind of life, we're wanting Leigh Ann back every minute of every day. But we're also stronger in our faith, deeper in our love, more aware of how simple life needs to be, and living with a certain hope. I've had the most sincere worship, the most honest conversations with God, and the most joy in Christ than I've ever had. How that works I'm not sure. Paul tells us that Christ's power is perfected in our weakness and that when we're weak then we're strong (2 Cor 12:9-10). Maybe that's what I see in my kids and in those around me. None of us like it but we're continuing to hold on dearly.
Prayer Requests:
- Prayers for our schedules to continue to provide quality family time.
"Father, I praise You for Your never ending love. Your grace is sufficient for me. I don't like what I'm going through and I so wish things were like they were 6 months ago. But they're not and my hope and trust are now fully and completely in You. I pray for Your peace, strength, and endurance. May I listen to the Spirit as He continues to teach me. Mold me."
Saturday, August 21, 2010
Day 167
Saturday, August 21st, 2010
Day 167 - Last night as I was moving some books around I found one of Leigh's nursing books. Big 'ol thick book. And as I was putting it in its new location I found a piece of her hair tucked between the pages. Just one strand. I've never stared at a piece of hair for so long. Whatever it could have or should have represented, last night that piece of hair said to me, "I'm still alive!" I was reminded in that moment that Leigh Ann not only has hair but she has a brand new body, and of course still has that beautiful smile, which she probably used 1,000 times today in Heaven.
I haven't seen or touched or held Leigh for 167 days but last night I was actually holding a piece of her. It was hard and yet so very good. Of course the night was then filled of memories of our life when Leigh was here. Too much of that can be dangerous and it certainly doesn't make for an energetic start to the morning. I woke up having to remind myself of the terrible reality I'm still living. But, as time is slowly stripping away some of the details of my memories of Leigh, it was good to remember how good life was these past 13 years.
Tonight I'll spend some time with old and new friends, having dinner and playing our/Leigh's favorite board game (Settlers of Catan). It will be the first time I'll have played that game since Leigh passed and it won't be easy. But my options are to never play the game again or to make some new memories doing something I enjoy doing. I have to believe Leigh would want me to choose the latter. And I have to believe she'd want me to win so I'll be playing to win!
The first week of being back at school was hard only because it went so well. Some mornings were spent crying on the way to school, but not nearly as much as there could have been. I know it's not recommended but I chose to keep my emotions at check this week. There were just too many times when I felt like calling Leigh, talking to her, showing her my classroom, telling her about my students, etc. and each time brought with it a flood of tears. But I put the flood walls up pretty high primarily just so I could get through each day without completely losing it. Might pay the price today and tomorrow now that I have time to breathe but I didn't know what else to do. Still on such a high learning curve regarding grieving.
My first week and Malia's first week at school without Leigh. Time to check off another "first."
Prayer Requests:
- Malia told some of her classmates what happened to her mommy. Prayers that all the kids will have the strength to be honest.
- The pace of life has picked up. Prayers that Jesus would always be my focus and that I'd take time to rest in Him.
"Father, thank You for the reminder that Leigh is alive! I cannot wait to see her again. May the days I have left be lived for You. May I fight the good fight knowing what glorious days await me in Heaven! I love You and thank You so much for my kids. Give them the strength to live life without their mother. They need You so much."
Day 167 - Last night as I was moving some books around I found one of Leigh's nursing books. Big 'ol thick book. And as I was putting it in its new location I found a piece of her hair tucked between the pages. Just one strand. I've never stared at a piece of hair for so long. Whatever it could have or should have represented, last night that piece of hair said to me, "I'm still alive!" I was reminded in that moment that Leigh Ann not only has hair but she has a brand new body, and of course still has that beautiful smile, which she probably used 1,000 times today in Heaven.
I haven't seen or touched or held Leigh for 167 days but last night I was actually holding a piece of her. It was hard and yet so very good. Of course the night was then filled of memories of our life when Leigh was here. Too much of that can be dangerous and it certainly doesn't make for an energetic start to the morning. I woke up having to remind myself of the terrible reality I'm still living. But, as time is slowly stripping away some of the details of my memories of Leigh, it was good to remember how good life was these past 13 years.
Tonight I'll spend some time with old and new friends, having dinner and playing our/Leigh's favorite board game (Settlers of Catan). It will be the first time I'll have played that game since Leigh passed and it won't be easy. But my options are to never play the game again or to make some new memories doing something I enjoy doing. I have to believe Leigh would want me to choose the latter. And I have to believe she'd want me to win so I'll be playing to win!
The first week of being back at school was hard only because it went so well. Some mornings were spent crying on the way to school, but not nearly as much as there could have been. I know it's not recommended but I chose to keep my emotions at check this week. There were just too many times when I felt like calling Leigh, talking to her, showing her my classroom, telling her about my students, etc. and each time brought with it a flood of tears. But I put the flood walls up pretty high primarily just so I could get through each day without completely losing it. Might pay the price today and tomorrow now that I have time to breathe but I didn't know what else to do. Still on such a high learning curve regarding grieving.
My first week and Malia's first week at school without Leigh. Time to check off another "first."
Prayer Requests:
- Malia told some of her classmates what happened to her mommy. Prayers that all the kids will have the strength to be honest.
- The pace of life has picked up. Prayers that Jesus would always be my focus and that I'd take time to rest in Him.
"Father, thank You for the reminder that Leigh is alive! I cannot wait to see her again. May the days I have left be lived for You. May I fight the good fight knowing what glorious days await me in Heaven! I love You and thank You so much for my kids. Give them the strength to live life without their mother. They need You so much."
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Day 164
Wednesday, August 18th, 2010
Day 164 - Malia's first day of preschool! Because of work I wasn't able to drop her off, but thanks to her grandmas and our good friend, she made it to Little Ladybugs! Growing up faster than ever!
Day 164 - Malia's first day of preschool! Because of work I wasn't able to drop her off, but thanks to her grandmas and our good friend, she made it to Little Ladybugs! Growing up faster than ever!
"Father, thank You for giving Malia this day. May she remember it for a long time. I pray You'd give her such a great year of learning, making friends, and loving You."
Monday, August 16, 2010
Day 162
Monday, August 16th, 2010
Day 162 - A quick update for all who were praying or thinking about my first day back at school...
Today went very well. Your prayers were heard and answered. I was able to speak to my students with excitement, enthusiasm, and honesty regarding the upcoming year.
I thought about Leigh a lot today. Missed her when I left this morning, missed her throughout the day, and missed seeing her when I got home. Apparently so did the kids as Caden cried himself to sleep tonight asking, "Why did she have to leave so early?" Comforting words were hard to manufacture so I just rubbed his back and let him cry.
Thanks again for all your support. The kids and I are so grateful.
"Father, I don't have answers for Caden. I probably never will. I pray You will wrap Him in Your arms tonight. I pray peace over him now and trust that he'll be safe in Your arms. Heal his broken heart."
Day 162 - A quick update for all who were praying or thinking about my first day back at school...
Today went very well. Your prayers were heard and answered. I was able to speak to my students with excitement, enthusiasm, and honesty regarding the upcoming year.
I thought about Leigh a lot today. Missed her when I left this morning, missed her throughout the day, and missed seeing her when I got home. Apparently so did the kids as Caden cried himself to sleep tonight asking, "Why did she have to leave so early?" Comforting words were hard to manufacture so I just rubbed his back and let him cry.
Thanks again for all your support. The kids and I are so grateful.
"Father, I don't have answers for Caden. I probably never will. I pray You will wrap Him in Your arms tonight. I pray peace over him now and trust that he'll be safe in Your arms. Heal his broken heart."
Sunday, August 15, 2010
Day 161
Sunday, August 15th, 2010
Day 161 - 161 days without the one I love. I don't like days like today because the emotions were so varied and therefore so hard to manage.
I was supposed to visit a Sunday School class I'll be helping teach but found out (after I had loaded up the van) the battery was dead. This set me back an hour or so. After getting a new battery I headed off to catch the final service at church. At one point I was stopped at the same intersection Leigh was killed at. It seemed like forever for the light to turn green which gave me plenty of time to stare at the exact spot where her car ended up after she was hit. I played back the last ten seconds of her life, what she might have felt during the impact, what she might have seen, what her very last thought was before getting hit, if she was excited to get home to her family. I pictured a car hitting her car so hard that it would cause it to flip and land on it's top. I stared in disbelief that at that very intersection where I was waiting to go to church, Leigh Ann was killed.
The light turned green and as I started to move I heard Matt Redman on the radio singing his famous worship song, "Better is One Day." The words, "Better is one day in Your courts, better is one day in Your house, better is one day in Your courts, than thousands elsewhere," bounced around in my car. I immediately considered Leigh Ann's current location and had no doubt that she would certainly agree with Matt's lyrics. And yet I wasn't happy. I wasn't rejoicing. I was incredibly sad. Praising God in His house will certainly be better than anything on Earth. But God has blessed Leigh and me with a great life on Earth. And Leigh loved living on Earth, she loved being with her family and friends, she loved life. Leigh was never confused about which of the two locations is the better, but she also loved everything God had blessed her with. So why couldn't God have waited a few decades before allowing her to experience Heavenly worship? I think she would have enjoyed it just the same, and there would have been a million more great memories she could have made with us on Earth. So the tears came hard until I got to church.
Church was great as usual, and I found myself lifting my hands in praise to God because we were singing truths like, "Everlasting God," and,"Mighty to Save." And so went the day. Sad one moment, full of praise the next.
Tomorrow begins 180 days of teaching high school students about Jesus. After spending the afternoon in my classroom putting the final preparations on my lessons I was again faced with emotions of excitement and sadness. Friends have helped me put my room together and I've made efforts to put visuals in front of the kids to have them focus on God.
I'm excited to be able to minister to kids who are at a pivotal point in their lives. And I'm praying for God to do some amazing things. Yet, as I left our campus I was fighting off feelings of not wanting this to be a great year because I wouldn't have Leigh to share it with. Kind of like the guy who hits a hole-in-one when playing by himself. Not quite the same.
Eating dinner at my in-laws tonight I remembered eating so many dinners at that very table with Leigh. I missed eating with her this evening. Not that much would have had to have been said. I just missed sitting next to her.
Kids' energy was at an all time high when we got home. Lots of screaming, dogs barking, running around the house like it was Christmas morning. I have no idea what go into them. Needless to say, I wasn't their biggest fan tonight. I love them to death but all my buttons were getting pushed, and sadly, they didn't even know they were doing it.
Leigh, you were sorely missed...again.
"Father, I don't know if 1061 days will feel like 161 days but should it, I pray you'd give me the comfort I'm searching for tonight. I know You're the everlasting God. I know You're mighty to save. I just miss Leigh Ann. Thank You for not changing based on my emotions. Thank You for being my Rock."
Day 161 - 161 days without the one I love. I don't like days like today because the emotions were so varied and therefore so hard to manage.
I was supposed to visit a Sunday School class I'll be helping teach but found out (after I had loaded up the van) the battery was dead. This set me back an hour or so. After getting a new battery I headed off to catch the final service at church. At one point I was stopped at the same intersection Leigh was killed at. It seemed like forever for the light to turn green which gave me plenty of time to stare at the exact spot where her car ended up after she was hit. I played back the last ten seconds of her life, what she might have felt during the impact, what she might have seen, what her very last thought was before getting hit, if she was excited to get home to her family. I pictured a car hitting her car so hard that it would cause it to flip and land on it's top. I stared in disbelief that at that very intersection where I was waiting to go to church, Leigh Ann was killed.
The light turned green and as I started to move I heard Matt Redman on the radio singing his famous worship song, "Better is One Day." The words, "Better is one day in Your courts, better is one day in Your house, better is one day in Your courts, than thousands elsewhere," bounced around in my car. I immediately considered Leigh Ann's current location and had no doubt that she would certainly agree with Matt's lyrics. And yet I wasn't happy. I wasn't rejoicing. I was incredibly sad. Praising God in His house will certainly be better than anything on Earth. But God has blessed Leigh and me with a great life on Earth. And Leigh loved living on Earth, she loved being with her family and friends, she loved life. Leigh was never confused about which of the two locations is the better, but she also loved everything God had blessed her with. So why couldn't God have waited a few decades before allowing her to experience Heavenly worship? I think she would have enjoyed it just the same, and there would have been a million more great memories she could have made with us on Earth. So the tears came hard until I got to church.
Church was great as usual, and I found myself lifting my hands in praise to God because we were singing truths like, "Everlasting God," and,"Mighty to Save." And so went the day. Sad one moment, full of praise the next.
Tomorrow begins 180 days of teaching high school students about Jesus. After spending the afternoon in my classroom putting the final preparations on my lessons I was again faced with emotions of excitement and sadness. Friends have helped me put my room together and I've made efforts to put visuals in front of the kids to have them focus on God.
Eating dinner at my in-laws tonight I remembered eating so many dinners at that very table with Leigh. I missed eating with her this evening. Not that much would have had to have been said. I just missed sitting next to her.
Kids' energy was at an all time high when we got home. Lots of screaming, dogs barking, running around the house like it was Christmas morning. I have no idea what go into them. Needless to say, I wasn't their biggest fan tonight. I love them to death but all my buttons were getting pushed, and sadly, they didn't even know they were doing it.
Leigh, you were sorely missed...again.
"Father, I don't know if 1061 days will feel like 161 days but should it, I pray you'd give me the comfort I'm searching for tonight. I know You're the everlasting God. I know You're mighty to save. I just miss Leigh Ann. Thank You for not changing based on my emotions. Thank You for being my Rock."
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