Wednesday, August 25th, 2010
Day 171 - Many of you have asked how life has been since the kids have been back at school and I've been back at work.
The new schedule is in full-swing. Gone are the days of working, talking to Leigh throughout the day, coming home to her and the kids, having some adult conversation over dinner, partly knowing the specifics of the kids' school work but partly not, playing with the kids, and going to bed with Leigh. I've come to terms, ever so slowly and painfully, that those days have vanished and are never to be seen again.
The rides to and from work are now spent in thought, prayer, and meditation. The events that take place at work are mostly shared between me and God. My evening is spent having my mom, or Leigh's mom, or my dad bring me up to speed on the kids, the house, the bills, etc. Dinner is spent hearing from the kids about their days (which I thoroughly enjoy), and mentally running through what else needs to get done before bed time. I'm informed about school activities, projects, homework, classmates, and birthday party invites. If there's time after homework and showers the kids and I will watch a show or play a game. The time I have after the kids are in bed is coveted though it doesn't last long. Fatigue gets the best of me and it's off to bed.
I'm often tired and at times don't think I have what it takes to do this day after day after day. And that's said even with the help of a small army of family and friends. My heart breaks for those who have to do this on their own. I would have lost my sanity many months ago had it not been for so many people acting in love, giving so much of their time to me and the kids.
So many things have brought Leigh Ann to mind these past few days and there's nothing I can do about it. The pain is ever present. I still feel the same as I did on Day 1 or 10 or 100. I don't have words to describe how much I miss her. One quick glance at a picture of her is all it takes to remind me of how much I lost on March 6th. She was my helpmate, my best friend, my companion, my love, and I'd very much like her back in my life.
I guess in the spectrum of "life after someone you love dies," the kids and I are on the "managing well" side of things. We're devastated, we're tired of this kind of life, we're wanting Leigh Ann back every minute of every day. But we're also stronger in our faith, deeper in our love, more aware of how simple life needs to be, and living with a certain hope. I've had the most sincere worship, the most honest conversations with God, and the most joy in Christ than I've ever had. How that works I'm not sure. Paul tells us that Christ's power is perfected in our weakness and that when we're weak then we're strong (2 Cor 12:9-10). Maybe that's what I see in my kids and in those around me. None of us like it but we're continuing to hold on dearly.
Prayer Requests:
- Prayers for our schedules to continue to provide quality family time.
"Father, I praise You for Your never ending love. Your grace is sufficient for me. I don't like what I'm going through and I so wish things were like they were 6 months ago. But they're not and my hope and trust are now fully and completely in You. I pray for Your peace, strength, and endurance. May I listen to the Spirit as He continues to teach me. Mold me."
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Saturday, August 21, 2010
Day 167
Saturday, August 21st, 2010
Day 167 - Last night as I was moving some books around I found one of Leigh's nursing books. Big 'ol thick book. And as I was putting it in its new location I found a piece of her hair tucked between the pages. Just one strand. I've never stared at a piece of hair for so long. Whatever it could have or should have represented, last night that piece of hair said to me, "I'm still alive!" I was reminded in that moment that Leigh Ann not only has hair but she has a brand new body, and of course still has that beautiful smile, which she probably used 1,000 times today in Heaven.
I haven't seen or touched or held Leigh for 167 days but last night I was actually holding a piece of her. It was hard and yet so very good. Of course the night was then filled of memories of our life when Leigh was here. Too much of that can be dangerous and it certainly doesn't make for an energetic start to the morning. I woke up having to remind myself of the terrible reality I'm still living. But, as time is slowly stripping away some of the details of my memories of Leigh, it was good to remember how good life was these past 13 years.
Tonight I'll spend some time with old and new friends, having dinner and playing our/Leigh's favorite board game (Settlers of Catan). It will be the first time I'll have played that game since Leigh passed and it won't be easy. But my options are to never play the game again or to make some new memories doing something I enjoy doing. I have to believe Leigh would want me to choose the latter. And I have to believe she'd want me to win so I'll be playing to win!
The first week of being back at school was hard only because it went so well. Some mornings were spent crying on the way to school, but not nearly as much as there could have been. I know it's not recommended but I chose to keep my emotions at check this week. There were just too many times when I felt like calling Leigh, talking to her, showing her my classroom, telling her about my students, etc. and each time brought with it a flood of tears. But I put the flood walls up pretty high primarily just so I could get through each day without completely losing it. Might pay the price today and tomorrow now that I have time to breathe but I didn't know what else to do. Still on such a high learning curve regarding grieving.
My first week and Malia's first week at school without Leigh. Time to check off another "first."
Prayer Requests:
- Malia told some of her classmates what happened to her mommy. Prayers that all the kids will have the strength to be honest.
- The pace of life has picked up. Prayers that Jesus would always be my focus and that I'd take time to rest in Him.
"Father, thank You for the reminder that Leigh is alive! I cannot wait to see her again. May the days I have left be lived for You. May I fight the good fight knowing what glorious days await me in Heaven! I love You and thank You so much for my kids. Give them the strength to live life without their mother. They need You so much."
Day 167 - Last night as I was moving some books around I found one of Leigh's nursing books. Big 'ol thick book. And as I was putting it in its new location I found a piece of her hair tucked between the pages. Just one strand. I've never stared at a piece of hair for so long. Whatever it could have or should have represented, last night that piece of hair said to me, "I'm still alive!" I was reminded in that moment that Leigh Ann not only has hair but she has a brand new body, and of course still has that beautiful smile, which she probably used 1,000 times today in Heaven.
I haven't seen or touched or held Leigh for 167 days but last night I was actually holding a piece of her. It was hard and yet so very good. Of course the night was then filled of memories of our life when Leigh was here. Too much of that can be dangerous and it certainly doesn't make for an energetic start to the morning. I woke up having to remind myself of the terrible reality I'm still living. But, as time is slowly stripping away some of the details of my memories of Leigh, it was good to remember how good life was these past 13 years.
Tonight I'll spend some time with old and new friends, having dinner and playing our/Leigh's favorite board game (Settlers of Catan). It will be the first time I'll have played that game since Leigh passed and it won't be easy. But my options are to never play the game again or to make some new memories doing something I enjoy doing. I have to believe Leigh would want me to choose the latter. And I have to believe she'd want me to win so I'll be playing to win!
The first week of being back at school was hard only because it went so well. Some mornings were spent crying on the way to school, but not nearly as much as there could have been. I know it's not recommended but I chose to keep my emotions at check this week. There were just too many times when I felt like calling Leigh, talking to her, showing her my classroom, telling her about my students, etc. and each time brought with it a flood of tears. But I put the flood walls up pretty high primarily just so I could get through each day without completely losing it. Might pay the price today and tomorrow now that I have time to breathe but I didn't know what else to do. Still on such a high learning curve regarding grieving.
My first week and Malia's first week at school without Leigh. Time to check off another "first."
Prayer Requests:
- Malia told some of her classmates what happened to her mommy. Prayers that all the kids will have the strength to be honest.
- The pace of life has picked up. Prayers that Jesus would always be my focus and that I'd take time to rest in Him.
"Father, thank You for the reminder that Leigh is alive! I cannot wait to see her again. May the days I have left be lived for You. May I fight the good fight knowing what glorious days await me in Heaven! I love You and thank You so much for my kids. Give them the strength to live life without their mother. They need You so much."
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Day 164
Wednesday, August 18th, 2010
Day 164 - Malia's first day of preschool! Because of work I wasn't able to drop her off, but thanks to her grandmas and our good friend, she made it to Little Ladybugs! Growing up faster than ever!
Day 164 - Malia's first day of preschool! Because of work I wasn't able to drop her off, but thanks to her grandmas and our good friend, she made it to Little Ladybugs! Growing up faster than ever!
"Father, thank You for giving Malia this day. May she remember it for a long time. I pray You'd give her such a great year of learning, making friends, and loving You."
Monday, August 16, 2010
Day 162
Monday, August 16th, 2010
Day 162 - A quick update for all who were praying or thinking about my first day back at school...
Today went very well. Your prayers were heard and answered. I was able to speak to my students with excitement, enthusiasm, and honesty regarding the upcoming year.
I thought about Leigh a lot today. Missed her when I left this morning, missed her throughout the day, and missed seeing her when I got home. Apparently so did the kids as Caden cried himself to sleep tonight asking, "Why did she have to leave so early?" Comforting words were hard to manufacture so I just rubbed his back and let him cry.
Thanks again for all your support. The kids and I are so grateful.
"Father, I don't have answers for Caden. I probably never will. I pray You will wrap Him in Your arms tonight. I pray peace over him now and trust that he'll be safe in Your arms. Heal his broken heart."
Day 162 - A quick update for all who were praying or thinking about my first day back at school...
Today went very well. Your prayers were heard and answered. I was able to speak to my students with excitement, enthusiasm, and honesty regarding the upcoming year.
I thought about Leigh a lot today. Missed her when I left this morning, missed her throughout the day, and missed seeing her when I got home. Apparently so did the kids as Caden cried himself to sleep tonight asking, "Why did she have to leave so early?" Comforting words were hard to manufacture so I just rubbed his back and let him cry.
Thanks again for all your support. The kids and I are so grateful.
"Father, I don't have answers for Caden. I probably never will. I pray You will wrap Him in Your arms tonight. I pray peace over him now and trust that he'll be safe in Your arms. Heal his broken heart."
Sunday, August 15, 2010
Day 161
Sunday, August 15th, 2010
Day 161 - 161 days without the one I love. I don't like days like today because the emotions were so varied and therefore so hard to manage.
I was supposed to visit a Sunday School class I'll be helping teach but found out (after I had loaded up the van) the battery was dead. This set me back an hour or so. After getting a new battery I headed off to catch the final service at church. At one point I was stopped at the same intersection Leigh was killed at. It seemed like forever for the light to turn green which gave me plenty of time to stare at the exact spot where her car ended up after she was hit. I played back the last ten seconds of her life, what she might have felt during the impact, what she might have seen, what her very last thought was before getting hit, if she was excited to get home to her family. I pictured a car hitting her car so hard that it would cause it to flip and land on it's top. I stared in disbelief that at that very intersection where I was waiting to go to church, Leigh Ann was killed.
The light turned green and as I started to move I heard Matt Redman on the radio singing his famous worship song, "Better is One Day." The words, "Better is one day in Your courts, better is one day in Your house, better is one day in Your courts, than thousands elsewhere," bounced around in my car. I immediately considered Leigh Ann's current location and had no doubt that she would certainly agree with Matt's lyrics. And yet I wasn't happy. I wasn't rejoicing. I was incredibly sad. Praising God in His house will certainly be better than anything on Earth. But God has blessed Leigh and me with a great life on Earth. And Leigh loved living on Earth, she loved being with her family and friends, she loved life. Leigh was never confused about which of the two locations is the better, but she also loved everything God had blessed her with. So why couldn't God have waited a few decades before allowing her to experience Heavenly worship? I think she would have enjoyed it just the same, and there would have been a million more great memories she could have made with us on Earth. So the tears came hard until I got to church.
Church was great as usual, and I found myself lifting my hands in praise to God because we were singing truths like, "Everlasting God," and,"Mighty to Save." And so went the day. Sad one moment, full of praise the next.
Tomorrow begins 180 days of teaching high school students about Jesus. After spending the afternoon in my classroom putting the final preparations on my lessons I was again faced with emotions of excitement and sadness. Friends have helped me put my room together and I've made efforts to put visuals in front of the kids to have them focus on God.
I'm excited to be able to minister to kids who are at a pivotal point in their lives. And I'm praying for God to do some amazing things. Yet, as I left our campus I was fighting off feelings of not wanting this to be a great year because I wouldn't have Leigh to share it with. Kind of like the guy who hits a hole-in-one when playing by himself. Not quite the same.
Eating dinner at my in-laws tonight I remembered eating so many dinners at that very table with Leigh. I missed eating with her this evening. Not that much would have had to have been said. I just missed sitting next to her.
Kids' energy was at an all time high when we got home. Lots of screaming, dogs barking, running around the house like it was Christmas morning. I have no idea what go into them. Needless to say, I wasn't their biggest fan tonight. I love them to death but all my buttons were getting pushed, and sadly, they didn't even know they were doing it.
Leigh, you were sorely missed...again.
"Father, I don't know if 1061 days will feel like 161 days but should it, I pray you'd give me the comfort I'm searching for tonight. I know You're the everlasting God. I know You're mighty to save. I just miss Leigh Ann. Thank You for not changing based on my emotions. Thank You for being my Rock."
Day 161 - 161 days without the one I love. I don't like days like today because the emotions were so varied and therefore so hard to manage.
I was supposed to visit a Sunday School class I'll be helping teach but found out (after I had loaded up the van) the battery was dead. This set me back an hour or so. After getting a new battery I headed off to catch the final service at church. At one point I was stopped at the same intersection Leigh was killed at. It seemed like forever for the light to turn green which gave me plenty of time to stare at the exact spot where her car ended up after she was hit. I played back the last ten seconds of her life, what she might have felt during the impact, what she might have seen, what her very last thought was before getting hit, if she was excited to get home to her family. I pictured a car hitting her car so hard that it would cause it to flip and land on it's top. I stared in disbelief that at that very intersection where I was waiting to go to church, Leigh Ann was killed.
The light turned green and as I started to move I heard Matt Redman on the radio singing his famous worship song, "Better is One Day." The words, "Better is one day in Your courts, better is one day in Your house, better is one day in Your courts, than thousands elsewhere," bounced around in my car. I immediately considered Leigh Ann's current location and had no doubt that she would certainly agree with Matt's lyrics. And yet I wasn't happy. I wasn't rejoicing. I was incredibly sad. Praising God in His house will certainly be better than anything on Earth. But God has blessed Leigh and me with a great life on Earth. And Leigh loved living on Earth, she loved being with her family and friends, she loved life. Leigh was never confused about which of the two locations is the better, but she also loved everything God had blessed her with. So why couldn't God have waited a few decades before allowing her to experience Heavenly worship? I think she would have enjoyed it just the same, and there would have been a million more great memories she could have made with us on Earth. So the tears came hard until I got to church.
Church was great as usual, and I found myself lifting my hands in praise to God because we were singing truths like, "Everlasting God," and,"Mighty to Save." And so went the day. Sad one moment, full of praise the next.
Tomorrow begins 180 days of teaching high school students about Jesus. After spending the afternoon in my classroom putting the final preparations on my lessons I was again faced with emotions of excitement and sadness. Friends have helped me put my room together and I've made efforts to put visuals in front of the kids to have them focus on God.
Eating dinner at my in-laws tonight I remembered eating so many dinners at that very table with Leigh. I missed eating with her this evening. Not that much would have had to have been said. I just missed sitting next to her.
Kids' energy was at an all time high when we got home. Lots of screaming, dogs barking, running around the house like it was Christmas morning. I have no idea what go into them. Needless to say, I wasn't their biggest fan tonight. I love them to death but all my buttons were getting pushed, and sadly, they didn't even know they were doing it.
Leigh, you were sorely missed...again.
"Father, I don't know if 1061 days will feel like 161 days but should it, I pray you'd give me the comfort I'm searching for tonight. I know You're the everlasting God. I know You're mighty to save. I just miss Leigh Ann. Thank You for not changing based on my emotions. Thank You for being my Rock."
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Day 157
Wednesday, August 11th, 2010
Day 157 - Headed back to school today. Teachers reported today with students returning next Monday. So many emotions and thankfully most of them positive. I know many, many people were specifically praying for my return and I'm so very thankful. I'm more than confident your prayers were answered.
I was selected to give a small talk to our staff regarding this year's theme - "Awake!" taken from 2 Cor 5:17, "Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new." The idea is be awakened to the truth that we are new creatures in Christ and as new creatures we can do what the preceding verses tell us which is to "not live for ourselves but to live for Him who died and rose again..." It was good to talk amongst our staff team as to what living for Christ means, and to hear stories of how God had awakened some of us this summer. Our time together was rich with some sweet "below the surface" conversation. My prayer is that Christ would grab hold of each staff member at my high school and tighten the screws until each of us has answered the question beyond a shadow of a doubt, "Who am I living for?"
The various meetings I was a part of today went well. A very good first day.
I had much to share with Leigh and under normal circumstances we would have spent the 30 minute drive home on the phone with each other. I would have replayed the day's events and she would have been genuinely interested. I don't know why she took such great interest in my job. Often it wasn't reciprocated. But she did nonetheless, and I always loved talking to her on the ride home.
Tonight the ride was quiet. I replayed the day in my head, smiling at times, but that's as far as it went. And on most nights, moving forward, that's as far as it will ever go. This is yet another reason why grieving takes such a long time. No one can prepare you for moments like this. You simply find yourself in them and then without warning emotions go from "that was a great day," to, "I never knew how much I enjoyed talking to my wife on the way home from work, and I miss that."
Tomorrow is a new day. My soul has definitely been awakened since Leigh died, and I've concluded there's no other way to live than to live for Him. I'm not excited for the school year to begin the way I'd be excited to go play a round of golf. Rather I'm excited for the school year to begin because I will be looking every day for God to show up and amaze me. We're on Day 1 and He's done just that.
Prayer Requests:
- Prayers for Bailey as he's fighting some kind of upset stomach
- Prayers for me and the kids as we are now living by schedules, which has its pros and cons
"Father, You were incredibly good to me today. Thank You for the encouragement and support. Thank You for constantly showing me how real You are. May I get out of the way and let You do some amazing things with our little high school. Nothing would be more satisfying than for staff and students to live for You. May this be the year that I become radical for You."
Day 157 - Headed back to school today. Teachers reported today with students returning next Monday. So many emotions and thankfully most of them positive. I know many, many people were specifically praying for my return and I'm so very thankful. I'm more than confident your prayers were answered.
I was selected to give a small talk to our staff regarding this year's theme - "Awake!" taken from 2 Cor 5:17, "Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new." The idea is be awakened to the truth that we are new creatures in Christ and as new creatures we can do what the preceding verses tell us which is to "not live for ourselves but to live for Him who died and rose again..." It was good to talk amongst our staff team as to what living for Christ means, and to hear stories of how God had awakened some of us this summer. Our time together was rich with some sweet "below the surface" conversation. My prayer is that Christ would grab hold of each staff member at my high school and tighten the screws until each of us has answered the question beyond a shadow of a doubt, "Who am I living for?"
The various meetings I was a part of today went well. A very good first day.
I had much to share with Leigh and under normal circumstances we would have spent the 30 minute drive home on the phone with each other. I would have replayed the day's events and she would have been genuinely interested. I don't know why she took such great interest in my job. Often it wasn't reciprocated. But she did nonetheless, and I always loved talking to her on the ride home.
Tonight the ride was quiet. I replayed the day in my head, smiling at times, but that's as far as it went. And on most nights, moving forward, that's as far as it will ever go. This is yet another reason why grieving takes such a long time. No one can prepare you for moments like this. You simply find yourself in them and then without warning emotions go from "that was a great day," to, "I never knew how much I enjoyed talking to my wife on the way home from work, and I miss that."
Tomorrow is a new day. My soul has definitely been awakened since Leigh died, and I've concluded there's no other way to live than to live for Him. I'm not excited for the school year to begin the way I'd be excited to go play a round of golf. Rather I'm excited for the school year to begin because I will be looking every day for God to show up and amaze me. We're on Day 1 and He's done just that.
Prayer Requests:
- Prayers for Bailey as he's fighting some kind of upset stomach
- Prayers for me and the kids as we are now living by schedules, which has its pros and cons
"Father, You were incredibly good to me today. Thank You for the encouragement and support. Thank You for constantly showing me how real You are. May I get out of the way and let You do some amazing things with our little high school. Nothing would be more satisfying than for staff and students to live for You. May this be the year that I become radical for You."
Monday, August 9, 2010
Day 155
Monday, August 9th, 2010
Day 155 - The summer is officially over. Bailey and Caden headed off to 1st and 5th grade respectively today. Mixed emotions but thanks to the prayers of so many the joy/excitement overshadowed the sadness. Praise God! As you can see, black and grey seem to be the colors of the Fall for the Tonkinsons!
Day 155 - The summer is officially over. Bailey and Caden headed off to 1st and 5th grade respectively today. Mixed emotions but thanks to the prayers of so many the joy/excitement overshadowed the sadness. Praise God! As you can see, black and grey seem to be the colors of the Fall for the Tonkinsons!
"Father, today is a new day and though someone is missing from the kids' first day of school, You're here. Give Caden and Bailey all the strength they need to enjoy their classes, their teachers, and their classmates. Allow them to think about Leigh Ann and smile because they know she's in Heaven. May their day be filled with glimpses of You."
Sunday, August 8, 2010
Day 154
Sunday, August 8th, 2010
Day 154 - Prayer works.
Wrapping up one of those long "you know you're a parent when..." type days. Had the opportunity to preach this morning. This was my first time preaching since Leigh died and there were two services, so I was a little tired when the second service ended. But all seemed to go well. So when my mom asked if I needed help this afternoon I declined and the kids and I headed off for lunch and to do some last minute shopping for Cade/Bay as they start school tomorrow.
Four hours of shopping with three kids will do something to a man. Thankfully it was only in the low 100's, but getting in and out of the van, going from store to store, managing all the needs of the kids, can drain the energy tank pretty quickly. Target, Staples, Walmart, Ikea, you get the idea. I'm embarrassed to say all we were looking for were a pair of shoes for Bay and a comforter and desk chair for Caden, which tells you how many times the conversation included: "So, what about this chair?" "It's ok." "So, does that mean you like it?" "I guess." "You know you'll be sitting in it for a while doing homework." "Then we better check another store." Oh brother.
Unfortunately, coming home home didn't prove to be much of a reprieve. The kids got the short-end of my attention tonight as I was consumed with putting an office chair together and stuffing a duvet into a comforter cover (am I even using these terms correctly?). My lack of attention toward the children was highlighted by Bailey "allegedly" going to the bathroom but then proceeding to run around the house leaving a distinct aroma of pooh everywhere he went. When it finally reached my nostrils we did a "bend over" check and it looked like a Hershey bar had melted in his butt. Not the bite-size bars. Those extra big ones. It was bad. Like, go take a shower, bad. My apologies to the non-parents but three kids later and "pooh" talk is just a part of the gig.
Bailey finally got cleaned up so we moved on to cleaning up the recent tornado that blew through our house from 5 p.m. to 8 p.m. And that's where we come to the "prayer works," comment. Somewhere in the middle of putting away the Sorry game and making up the boys beds (Sidebar: Caden's comforter only works with black sheets, which were on Bailey's bed. Of course you can't just switch sheets. First you have to convince Bailey that he's not losing his black sheets but he's gaining some cool grey sheets. Then everything has to be washed, dried, etc.) I lifted up a short prayer to God for peace and perserverance. I was in need of finishing the night without any blow-ups, by the kids or me. And within 15 minutes all the kids had brushed their teeth, clothes changed, and were in bed, all without me having to ask them twice. We said our prayers and "I love you's" and that was it. No fifteen minute Q&A sessions, no begging to stay up later, no asking for more to eat/drink. Right now they're all sound asleep, and the house is quiet. And my prayer was answered.
And God is so good.
Prayer Requests:
- Prayers for Bay/Cade as they start school tomorrow. Cade said this was the first year that he's not terribly excited for school to start. Prayers that they'll find moments of joy tomorrow.
- Prayers for me and I start school on Wednesday. I already feel behind and we haven't even started yet.
"Father, thank You for allowing me to bring Your Word to some people this morning. Thank You for the power of Your truths. Thank You for hearing my heart even when my prayers are weak. I love You."
Day 154 - Prayer works.
Wrapping up one of those long "you know you're a parent when..." type days. Had the opportunity to preach this morning. This was my first time preaching since Leigh died and there were two services, so I was a little tired when the second service ended. But all seemed to go well. So when my mom asked if I needed help this afternoon I declined and the kids and I headed off for lunch and to do some last minute shopping for Cade/Bay as they start school tomorrow.
Four hours of shopping with three kids will do something to a man. Thankfully it was only in the low 100's, but getting in and out of the van, going from store to store, managing all the needs of the kids, can drain the energy tank pretty quickly. Target, Staples, Walmart, Ikea, you get the idea. I'm embarrassed to say all we were looking for were a pair of shoes for Bay and a comforter and desk chair for Caden, which tells you how many times the conversation included: "So, what about this chair?" "It's ok." "So, does that mean you like it?" "I guess." "You know you'll be sitting in it for a while doing homework." "Then we better check another store." Oh brother.
Unfortunately, coming home home didn't prove to be much of a reprieve. The kids got the short-end of my attention tonight as I was consumed with putting an office chair together and stuffing a duvet into a comforter cover (am I even using these terms correctly?). My lack of attention toward the children was highlighted by Bailey "allegedly" going to the bathroom but then proceeding to run around the house leaving a distinct aroma of pooh everywhere he went. When it finally reached my nostrils we did a "bend over" check and it looked like a Hershey bar had melted in his butt. Not the bite-size bars. Those extra big ones. It was bad. Like, go take a shower, bad. My apologies to the non-parents but three kids later and "pooh" talk is just a part of the gig.
Bailey finally got cleaned up so we moved on to cleaning up the recent tornado that blew through our house from 5 p.m. to 8 p.m. And that's where we come to the "prayer works," comment. Somewhere in the middle of putting away the Sorry game and making up the boys beds (Sidebar: Caden's comforter only works with black sheets, which were on Bailey's bed. Of course you can't just switch sheets. First you have to convince Bailey that he's not losing his black sheets but he's gaining some cool grey sheets. Then everything has to be washed, dried, etc.) I lifted up a short prayer to God for peace and perserverance. I was in need of finishing the night without any blow-ups, by the kids or me. And within 15 minutes all the kids had brushed their teeth, clothes changed, and were in bed, all without me having to ask them twice. We said our prayers and "I love you's" and that was it. No fifteen minute Q&A sessions, no begging to stay up later, no asking for more to eat/drink. Right now they're all sound asleep, and the house is quiet. And my prayer was answered.
And God is so good.
Prayer Requests:
- Prayers for Bay/Cade as they start school tomorrow. Cade said this was the first year that he's not terribly excited for school to start. Prayers that they'll find moments of joy tomorrow.
- Prayers for me and I start school on Wednesday. I already feel behind and we haven't even started yet.
"Father, thank You for allowing me to bring Your Word to some people this morning. Thank You for the power of Your truths. Thank You for hearing my heart even when my prayers are weak. I love You."
Saturday, August 7, 2010
Day 152
Friday, August 6th, 2010
Day 152 - Dear Leigh Ann,
It's been five months since I've seen or heard from you. When, for the past 13 years, we've never gone more than a day without talking to each other, five months feels like fifty years. I miss you more than I could have ever imagined.
I thought I'd write to you tonight. I'm not losing my mind and I know it's a letter that won't receive a response. But that's ok. Maybe it's a way that will help me feel closer to you. Maybe it's just a way of dealing with the loss.
I'm dying to know what in the world the past five months have been like for you?! You've been in Heaven now for five months! How crazy is that?! I've talked about Heaven a lot since you've been gone and I can't wait to join you, but I still can't get my mind around the fact that you're home, since March, has been in Heaven. Who have you talked to? Who are you making friends with? Anyone I know? What's it like to be sin-free?! To live in a place that's pure? What was it like when you saw our Lord for the first time? What was your first time worshipping in Heaven like? I think about you every hour of every day and these are but a few of the questions I've had for you ever since you died. Maybe you can visit me in my dreams and fill me in.
The kids and I are trying our best without you. Honestly it's hard Sug. We all miss you so much. The kids talk about you all the time. Bailey has said many times, "Dad, remember when Mommy..." Malia was getting out of the tub today and said, "Daddy, is all the shampoo out of my hair? Mommy used to check to see if it was all out."
Our time at the cemetery has been sweet. I was afraid the kids would resent going but each week right after church they all know before we do anything else we're going to see your gravestone and pray. The funeral home is just about done with your official marker. It's a huge marker Sug. You'd be pretty embarrassed :) It's got your picture on it so we can see your face each week. Again, you'd be embarrassed! But we need to see you smiling. It makes us feel better.
Caden and Bay start school on Monday. Certainly going to be a bittersweet day. I know you'd want us all to be happy but it's so hard not to wish you were right there with us. Hopefully the boys can push through and enjoy the day as much as possible. I know they're excited. You should see their new school clothes and backpacks! Looking pretty sharp!
Had a staff retreat today and we hiked around Woods Canyon Lake. I thought of you almost every step of the way because of the time you and Caden hiked around the lake. The day was beautiful and the scenery reminded me of Heaven. Five months ago today, hiking, the scenery. How could I not be consumed with thinking of you?
I found some pictures that made me smile because they remind me of all the things I love about you. And on this five month "anniversary," I guess I needed to remind myself of just how awesome you are. They are such good visuals of what you were to all of us. What you were all about: Loving, Fun, Caring, Easy Going, Devoted to me and the kids, Godly.
I can't imagine the next 40 years without you but I'm forever grateful for the 13 years we had. You gave me so many wonderful memories. I wish we could have more but until we make some new ones in Heaven these pictures will have to suffice.
I know that someone in Heaven is wishing you a "Happy Fifth Month" today! I was tempted to spend the day being sad but when I thought about all you've been through since March I had to stop and thank God. You're in Heaven! Death was only your beginning. Our time apart is painful and hard but knowing you're okay and that we'll see each other again, I can at least get up tomorrow.
I love you Leigh Ann. And if I didn't say it enough when you were here I'm so sorry. I love you. The kids love you. Your family loves you as do your friends. Co-workers, people from church. I'm hard-pressed to talk to anyone who knew you who doesn't miss you.
Give everyone in Heaven my best and I cannot wait to see you again.
All the love I have,
Greg
Thank you for not taking life too seriously
Day 152 - Dear Leigh Ann,
It's been five months since I've seen or heard from you. When, for the past 13 years, we've never gone more than a day without talking to each other, five months feels like fifty years. I miss you more than I could have ever imagined.
I thought I'd write to you tonight. I'm not losing my mind and I know it's a letter that won't receive a response. But that's ok. Maybe it's a way that will help me feel closer to you. Maybe it's just a way of dealing with the loss.
I'm dying to know what in the world the past five months have been like for you?! You've been in Heaven now for five months! How crazy is that?! I've talked about Heaven a lot since you've been gone and I can't wait to join you, but I still can't get my mind around the fact that you're home, since March, has been in Heaven. Who have you talked to? Who are you making friends with? Anyone I know? What's it like to be sin-free?! To live in a place that's pure? What was it like when you saw our Lord for the first time? What was your first time worshipping in Heaven like? I think about you every hour of every day and these are but a few of the questions I've had for you ever since you died. Maybe you can visit me in my dreams and fill me in.
The kids and I are trying our best without you. Honestly it's hard Sug. We all miss you so much. The kids talk about you all the time. Bailey has said many times, "Dad, remember when Mommy..." Malia was getting out of the tub today and said, "Daddy, is all the shampoo out of my hair? Mommy used to check to see if it was all out."
Our time at the cemetery has been sweet. I was afraid the kids would resent going but each week right after church they all know before we do anything else we're going to see your gravestone and pray. The funeral home is just about done with your official marker. It's a huge marker Sug. You'd be pretty embarrassed :) It's got your picture on it so we can see your face each week. Again, you'd be embarrassed! But we need to see you smiling. It makes us feel better.
Caden and Bay start school on Monday. Certainly going to be a bittersweet day. I know you'd want us all to be happy but it's so hard not to wish you were right there with us. Hopefully the boys can push through and enjoy the day as much as possible. I know they're excited. You should see their new school clothes and backpacks! Looking pretty sharp!
Had a staff retreat today and we hiked around Woods Canyon Lake. I thought of you almost every step of the way because of the time you and Caden hiked around the lake. The day was beautiful and the scenery reminded me of Heaven. Five months ago today, hiking, the scenery. How could I not be consumed with thinking of you?
I found some pictures that made me smile because they remind me of all the things I love about you. And on this five month "anniversary," I guess I needed to remind myself of just how awesome you are. They are such good visuals of what you were to all of us. What you were all about: Loving, Fun, Caring, Easy Going, Devoted to me and the kids, Godly.
I can't imagine the next 40 years without you but I'm forever grateful for the 13 years we had. You gave me so many wonderful memories. I wish we could have more but until we make some new ones in Heaven these pictures will have to suffice.
I know that someone in Heaven is wishing you a "Happy Fifth Month" today! I was tempted to spend the day being sad but when I thought about all you've been through since March I had to stop and thank God. You're in Heaven! Death was only your beginning. Our time apart is painful and hard but knowing you're okay and that we'll see each other again, I can at least get up tomorrow.
I love you Leigh Ann. And if I didn't say it enough when you were here I'm so sorry. I love you. The kids love you. Your family loves you as do your friends. Co-workers, people from church. I'm hard-pressed to talk to anyone who knew you who doesn't miss you.
Give everyone in Heaven my best and I cannot wait to see you again.
All the love I have,
Greg
Thank you for adoring our kids
Thank you for laughing as much as you did
Thank you for sacrificing your time to make the kids happy
Thank you for not taking life too seriously
Thank you for being willing to act goofy with me
Thank you for being such a committed friend
Thank you for loving your family
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| Thank you for wanting to get away and enjoy life. |
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| Thank you for being humbly beautiful |
Thank you for loving Jesus
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Day 151
Thursday, August 5th, 2010
Day 151 - Tuesday all the kids had to go for teeth check-ups. Two of the three escaped with no cavities. Unfortunately, the other has eight cavities. Yes, I am the worst parent in America. Tonight was "meet the teacher" night for Bay and Cade.
In both situations Leigh Ann would have been the "go to" parent. In each instance she would have been the kids' first choice for comfort, wisdom, encouragement. I don't say this for any other reason than it's true. Who best to comfort a child than a mother? Especially a mother like Leigh Ann. She would have known what to say to Caden when she saw a tear roll down his eye as he tried his best to maintain a stiff upper lip at the dentist. Instead he had his goofball dad taking pictures. Leigh would have known what questions to ask the teachers tonight.
Our new reality is not only is Leigh Ann gone, but the maternal instinct from our family is gone. The kids have received great help from grandmothers and aunts. But it's not the same. I'm not a mom. I'm a dad who acts like a dad.
Looking down the road at the countless times each of our kids will need a "mother's touch" only to find their dad staring back at them, forces me to a place I've never been before. A place of wholly trusting God to provide for my kids. No one else can fill the void Leigh has left. God has to do that for Caden, Bailey, and Malia. He has to show them He's in control and He will provide for them. That life will be not only OK but actually good. And that though they will be without a mother they are never without their Father. I'm taking Jesus at His Words when He says, "I will never leave you nor forsake you" (Heb 13:5). God deserves my praise no matter my circumstances but how much more do I want to praise Him knowing He's going to take care of my kids in the areas I simply cannot.
"Thank You Father for meeting our needs. Thank You for not leaving us. I praise You for Your unceasing love and concern for us. May our lives be a testimony of Your goodness."
Day 151 - Tuesday all the kids had to go for teeth check-ups. Two of the three escaped with no cavities. Unfortunately, the other has eight cavities. Yes, I am the worst parent in America. Tonight was "meet the teacher" night for Bay and Cade.
Malia has a death-grip on the chair!
Bailey, trying to get as close to the fetal position as possible!
Caden has to go back for more work. Guess who had the cavities?!
Our new reality is not only is Leigh Ann gone, but the maternal instinct from our family is gone. The kids have received great help from grandmothers and aunts. But it's not the same. I'm not a mom. I'm a dad who acts like a dad.
Looking down the road at the countless times each of our kids will need a "mother's touch" only to find their dad staring back at them, forces me to a place I've never been before. A place of wholly trusting God to provide for my kids. No one else can fill the void Leigh has left. God has to do that for Caden, Bailey, and Malia. He has to show them He's in control and He will provide for them. That life will be not only OK but actually good. And that though they will be without a mother they are never without their Father. I'm taking Jesus at His Words when He says, "I will never leave you nor forsake you" (Heb 13:5). God deserves my praise no matter my circumstances but how much more do I want to praise Him knowing He's going to take care of my kids in the areas I simply cannot.
"Thank You Father for meeting our needs. Thank You for not leaving us. I praise You for Your unceasing love and concern for us. May our lives be a testimony of Your goodness."
Sunday, August 1, 2010
Day 147
Sunday, August 1st, 2010
Day 147 - This is the grave right next to Leigh Ann. Kylah would have turned 2 yrs old today. Instead of sending out invitations to family and friends, ordering a birthday cake, and shopping for presents, Kylah's parents decorated her grave with some flowers, balloons, and a sign. I have yet to meet Mr. and Mrs. McBeth but I grieve that they can't be with their daughter on her birthday. I hate that every August 1st they'll be reminded of another year without Kylah just like every February 5th I'll think of how old Leigh Ann would have been. I'm incredibly saddened they have to experience this today.
When I selected Leigh's grave site I specifically chose the plot next to Kylah. Leigh Ann worked in pediatrics and I liked the idea that maybe on March 6th her path crossed with Kylah's and they've been friends ever since. I'd like to think while we're grieving beyond belief on Earth, in Heaven there was a party today for Kylah. And I'd like to think Leigh Ann was right beside her, smiling, watching her blow out the candles.
Happy Birthday Kylah.
"Father, take care of Kylah's parents today. The peace they need can only come from You. Please give that to them. We don't know why You didn't allow them to celebrate her birthday with her and I don't know why You haven't allowed me to celebrate anymore birthdays with Leigh Ann. But I'll continue to trust in You. Your will be done."
Day 147 - This is the grave right next to Leigh Ann. Kylah would have turned 2 yrs old today. Instead of sending out invitations to family and friends, ordering a birthday cake, and shopping for presents, Kylah's parents decorated her grave with some flowers, balloons, and a sign. I have yet to meet Mr. and Mrs. McBeth but I grieve that they can't be with their daughter on her birthday. I hate that every August 1st they'll be reminded of another year without Kylah just like every February 5th I'll think of how old Leigh Ann would have been. I'm incredibly saddened they have to experience this today.
When I selected Leigh's grave site I specifically chose the plot next to Kylah. Leigh Ann worked in pediatrics and I liked the idea that maybe on March 6th her path crossed with Kylah's and they've been friends ever since. I'd like to think while we're grieving beyond belief on Earth, in Heaven there was a party today for Kylah. And I'd like to think Leigh Ann was right beside her, smiling, watching her blow out the candles.
Happy Birthday Kylah.
"Father, take care of Kylah's parents today. The peace they need can only come from You. Please give that to them. We don't know why You didn't allow them to celebrate her birthday with her and I don't know why You haven't allowed me to celebrate anymore birthdays with Leigh Ann. But I'll continue to trust in You. Your will be done."
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