Saturday, February 26th, 2011
Day 356 - The last three times I've fallen asleep I've met up with Leigh Ann. Not once have I prayed for this because I can't stand not being in control of my dreams. Having been apart for nearly a year, the last thing I want is to be reunited with my wife without having a say in how things will go.
All three dreams have us in the same scene. We're on Earth and we're in a room though I can't tell exactly what kind of room. We're back together but the reason we were apart wasn't because of her death. More like we were separated or maybe even divorced and now we're back together. There's definitely some hesitancy on her part which makes me want to tread so very lightly for fear of losing her again. I'm careful with all my words and actions because losing her again is not an option. All of the dreams are "weird" by way of the setting, why she's not excited, etc. but just being in her presence causes my heart to overflow with joy and excitement. Not much is said and yet I can see myself (or feel myself?) smiling ear to ear.
Of course I don't want to wake up and yet inevitably I do. My eyes open to my bedroom, I look over to Leigh's side of the bed - still empty - and I'm quickly ushered back to reality.
Back-to-back-to-back dreams. This morning I hoped last night would be the last of them. A few hours with the one you love just doesn't cut it. Some would say it's better than nothing but for me it's worse. I'm tired of living in a place where she doesn't live so I'll spend my time thinking about the place we'll both be some day. I'm banking on spending forever with her in Heaven - a place where I can go to sleep every night for 10,000 years and wake up each morning knowing she's somewhere on the property!
My flesh is still lobbying hard for God to change His mind about no marriage in Heaven. But whatever my relationship will be with Leigh Ann in the days ahead will be infinitely better than these days lived without her. That I know for sure.
Prayer Requests -
- Kids and I still fighting sickness.
- Summer plans are well underway. Prayer for wisdom.
- Prayers for me and grieving. Just not sure where I should be at this stage.
"Father, please make my dreams about something other than Leigh Ann. I miss her so much and I'd just assume the next time I see her will be in Heaven where we'll be together forever. Thank You for Your blessings in my life and may my days be spent loving You."
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Monday, February 21, 2011
Day 351
Monday, February 21st, 2011
Day 351 - Maybe your house looks the same...
Bailey had "it," passed it to me, then back to Bay, and now to Caden. Nights are spent listening to incessant coughing (last night Bay coughed so hard he threw up), and sore throat moaning. $50 was spent having a PA tell me my kid has a bad cough - wonderful. I did try the "Vicks-on-the-bottom-of-the -feet" with Bay last night. Mixed results but he was very excited to wake up to clean-smelling feet.
Many of you are fighting the same illnesses with your kids (if not worse) so I'm preaching to the choir when I say the days become just a little longer and patience is stretched just a little thinner.
This isn't my first rodeo with sick children. But add to to the mix grieving and single parenting, and the results can be dicey. Though I haven't blogged for a few days doesn't mean I haven't been mentally and emotionally busy. I continue to look for answers to unanswerable questions, I continue to replay every minute of that fateful night, I continue to look at my kids with sympathy, I continue to visit my theology, a theology which once was "foolproof," now at times seems to raise more questions than provides answers. All to say the dance of balancing the daily grind with grieving is a delicate one. Many days I feel like I have two left feet.
Today I was able to find great comfort in Paul's words, "For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory that is to be revealed to us." - Rom 8:18. As I've contemplated the afterlife, especially with the thought of reuniting with Leigh Ann, I can't help but praise God that any and all suffering simply cannot compare to what awaits us. I may not have all the answers and many questions still remain but what an awesome truth to grab hold of.
Though I can't see it quite yet there truly is Light at the end of this tunnel.
Prayer Requests -
- Bailey and Caden need some physical healing.
- Several friends have children with varying degrees of sickness (some hospitalized).
- Kate McRae and her continued brave battle with cancer.
- That I would find joy in the darkness.
"Father, I don't deserve Your grace but I won't deny it either. Thank You for Your plan, especially the part about what is to come. May it come sooner than later."
Day 351 - Maybe your house looks the same...
Many of you are fighting the same illnesses with your kids (if not worse) so I'm preaching to the choir when I say the days become just a little longer and patience is stretched just a little thinner.
This isn't my first rodeo with sick children. But add to to the mix grieving and single parenting, and the results can be dicey. Though I haven't blogged for a few days doesn't mean I haven't been mentally and emotionally busy. I continue to look for answers to unanswerable questions, I continue to replay every minute of that fateful night, I continue to look at my kids with sympathy, I continue to visit my theology, a theology which once was "foolproof," now at times seems to raise more questions than provides answers. All to say the dance of balancing the daily grind with grieving is a delicate one. Many days I feel like I have two left feet.
Today I was able to find great comfort in Paul's words, "For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory that is to be revealed to us." - Rom 8:18. As I've contemplated the afterlife, especially with the thought of reuniting with Leigh Ann, I can't help but praise God that any and all suffering simply cannot compare to what awaits us. I may not have all the answers and many questions still remain but what an awesome truth to grab hold of.
Though I can't see it quite yet there truly is Light at the end of this tunnel.
Prayer Requests -
- Bailey and Caden need some physical healing.
- Several friends have children with varying degrees of sickness (some hospitalized).
- Kate McRae and her continued brave battle with cancer.
- That I would find joy in the darkness.
"Father, I don't deserve Your grace but I won't deny it either. Thank You for Your plan, especially the part about what is to come. May it come sooner than later."
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Day 345
Tuesday, February 15th, 2011
Day 345 - Sunday night Malia decided that was to be the night she would attempt to ride without training wheels. A huge success which today looks near perfect...
A proud father who wishes her mother were here to enjoy this.
"Father, thanks for the little things in life that can bring us so much joy."
Day 345 - Sunday night Malia decided that was to be the night she would attempt to ride without training wheels. A huge success which today looks near perfect...
"Father, thanks for the little things in life that can bring us so much joy."
Monday, February 14, 2011
Day 344
Monday, February 14th, 2011
Day 344 - Valentines Day
It's no Ruth's Chris but it's hard to beat a sit-down meal at Chick-Fil-A! What a great time to share a meal with the kids in an environment where some spilt soda wasn't going to cause people to stare. Yes it lacked a little romance but that wasn't on the menu this year anyway. The kids surprised me with candy and cards which did a great job in filling the void.
I received many texts/emails from people offering words of encouragement and prayer. I believe it worked as my heart felt damaged but not broken. I would've given anything to have gotten a sitter tonight so I could have taken Leigh somewhere special, enjoy her company, and share some romance. But eleven months without touch, smell, sight of someone you love and you begin to get used to one more night of the same. The kids did a fantastic job though of letting me know I am loved. So I'll take it and enjoy a night with them even if chicken and waffle fries were the only things on the menu.
"Father thank You for providing for me tonight. I miss Leigh Ann so very much but I thank You for a night out with the kids. Thank You for filling the void in my heart. May I trust in Your plan."
Day 344 - Valentines Day
It's no Ruth's Chris but it's hard to beat a sit-down meal at Chick-Fil-A! What a great time to share a meal with the kids in an environment where some spilt soda wasn't going to cause people to stare. Yes it lacked a little romance but that wasn't on the menu this year anyway. The kids surprised me with candy and cards which did a great job in filling the void.
I received many texts/emails from people offering words of encouragement and prayer. I believe it worked as my heart felt damaged but not broken. I would've given anything to have gotten a sitter tonight so I could have taken Leigh somewhere special, enjoy her company, and share some romance. But eleven months without touch, smell, sight of someone you love and you begin to get used to one more night of the same. The kids did a fantastic job though of letting me know I am loved. So I'll take it and enjoy a night with them even if chicken and waffle fries were the only things on the menu.
"Father thank You for providing for me tonight. I miss Leigh Ann so very much but I thank You for a night out with the kids. Thank You for filling the void in my heart. May I trust in Your plan."
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Day 343
Sunday, February 13th, 2011
Day 343 - Bailey turns 7 today...
He woke up to some cards, a balloon, and his family wishing him a Happy Birthday. Today he'll spend some time with a few friends at a local amusement center and we'll conclude the festivities next Saturday with family and friends. All is going the way it should with the one exception of Leigh not being here.
At the cemetery today I couldn't help but wonder if Leigh knows it's Bailey's birthday and if so what she's feeling. How could a mom who so adored her children not want to be with us today? So when people tell me Heaven is so wonderful and that Leigh is having such a great time I have to pause and wonder what she's thinking on days like today. I don't know. Of course I miss her tremendously. I'm relieved today marks the last of the "first" birthdays without Leigh (including hers).
After today we'll be down to Valentines Day, and the one-year anniversary of Leigh's death. That will mark one year of events, holidays, birthdays, vacations, and just plain living without my wife. And while it will be an accomplishment in and of itself to have gotten through this past year it won't be viewed as anything but a long year with many more ahead.
Once again the day is very bittersweet. Happy Birthday Bay.
4:38 p.m. - All my kids have different personalities and what I love about Bailey is his ability to forgive and forget. He has short-term memory in the good sense. Six friends were invited to some amusement fun but for one reason or another five couldn't make it. As I nervously waited to see how Bay would respond he chose to make the best of it, smiling and laughing the entire afternoon. At one point he mentioned, "This is the best day of my life!" Thank you Bay for making my job easy. I love you so very much.
"Father, take care of Bailey today. Let him to know that he is loved by so many."
Day 343 - Bailey turns 7 today...
At the cemetery today I couldn't help but wonder if Leigh knows it's Bailey's birthday and if so what she's feeling. How could a mom who so adored her children not want to be with us today? So when people tell me Heaven is so wonderful and that Leigh is having such a great time I have to pause and wonder what she's thinking on days like today. I don't know. Of course I miss her tremendously. I'm relieved today marks the last of the "first" birthdays without Leigh (including hers).
After today we'll be down to Valentines Day, and the one-year anniversary of Leigh's death. That will mark one year of events, holidays, birthdays, vacations, and just plain living without my wife. And while it will be an accomplishment in and of itself to have gotten through this past year it won't be viewed as anything but a long year with many more ahead.
Once again the day is very bittersweet. Happy Birthday Bay.
4:38 p.m. - All my kids have different personalities and what I love about Bailey is his ability to forgive and forget. He has short-term memory in the good sense. Six friends were invited to some amusement fun but for one reason or another five couldn't make it. As I nervously waited to see how Bay would respond he chose to make the best of it, smiling and laughing the entire afternoon. At one point he mentioned, "This is the best day of my life!" Thank you Bay for making my job easy. I love you so very much.
"Father, take care of Bailey today. Let him to know that he is loved by so many."
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Day 338
Tuesday, February 8th, 2011
Day 338 - Leigh's Blankies
A good friend took her cue from the Lord and has begun a ministry, "Leigh's Blankies." I'll let her describe it to you...
http://leighsblankies.blogspot.com
God continues to use Leigh Ann's passing for His glory in ways that amaze us all and I can only be grateful for that. I know Leigh has to be shaking her head thinking, "you've got to be kidding me" but it seems fitting based on how much she meant to all of us, how much we miss her, and how much we want others to know of the love of Christ.
And while I'm excited for what He might do through this ministry I can't help but be heartbroken tonight over hearing recent news of what many of you have been praying for in little Kate McRae. According to her mother's most recent post (http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/mcraekate), the preliminary PET scans are showing positive results for cancer. We continue to pray.
Day 338 - Leigh's Blankies
A good friend took her cue from the Lord and has begun a ministry, "Leigh's Blankies." I'll let her describe it to you...
http://leighsblankies.blogspot.com
God continues to use Leigh Ann's passing for His glory in ways that amaze us all and I can only be grateful for that. I know Leigh has to be shaking her head thinking, "you've got to be kidding me" but it seems fitting based on how much she meant to all of us, how much we miss her, and how much we want others to know of the love of Christ.
And while I'm excited for what He might do through this ministry I can't help but be heartbroken tonight over hearing recent news of what many of you have been praying for in little Kate McRae. According to her mother's most recent post (http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/mcraekate), the preliminary PET scans are showing positive results for cancer. We continue to pray.
Saturday, February 5, 2011
Day 335
Saturday, February 5th, 2011
Day 335 - Leigh Ann's Birthday today
She would have been 36 years old. How much I loathe writing "would have been." One year ago she was alive and well, we were all wishing her a happy 35th. A supervisor in nursing, a mother of three, happily married, looking forward to whatever else life had for her. Leigh Ann was someone you wanted to be around and you especially loved being around her on this day because it was one of the few days when you could brag on her and there was nothing she could do about it.
Malia doesn't understand why we're not going to have balloons and cake and presents. I think the obvious has escaped her - there's no one here to open the presents and blow out the candles. The Person of Honor is gone. A surreal day which has gone from years of celebrating with family and friends to now stopping by a cemetery to remember what was.
The kids and I made our way to the grave site this afternoon picking up some balloons and flowers along the way. When we arrived we noticed several others had already stopped by leaving tokens of their love. A complete tragedy when family and friends are leaving flowers and cards on a gravestone instead of handing them to someone at a party. First birthday I've been a part of that was anything but enjoyable.
Day 335 - Leigh Ann's Birthday today
She would have been 36 years old. How much I loathe writing "would have been." One year ago she was alive and well, we were all wishing her a happy 35th. A supervisor in nursing, a mother of three, happily married, looking forward to whatever else life had for her. Leigh Ann was someone you wanted to be around and you especially loved being around her on this day because it was one of the few days when you could brag on her and there was nothing she could do about it.
Malia crawled into bed with me around six this morning. Still in a sleepy state of mind I almost whispered, "Happy Birthday Sug." I've had the pleasure for 13 years to say those words so it's a hard habit to break.
Malia doesn't understand why we're not going to have balloons and cake and presents. I think the obvious has escaped her - there's no one here to open the presents and blow out the candles. The Person of Honor is gone. A surreal day which has gone from years of celebrating with family and friends to now stopping by a cemetery to remember what was.
The kids and I made our way to the grave site this afternoon picking up some balloons and flowers along the way. When we arrived we noticed several others had already stopped by leaving tokens of their love. A complete tragedy when family and friends are leaving flowers and cards on a gravestone instead of handing them to someone at a party. First birthday I've been a part of that was anything but enjoyable.
We cried a lot then prayed, each of us letting Leigh know how much we miss her. The kids headed to the van and I stayed by the grave for just a few minutes longer. I wanted some alone time and though I should've wished her a Happy Birthday the only words that could come out in between the sobs were how much I hate this new life.
Why God would allow such a person to leave us so early I'll never quite understand.
I missed wishing you a Happy Birthday today Sug.
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Day 331
Tuesday, February 1st, 2011
Day 331 - Friends of mine, Holly and Aaron McRae need your prayers immediately for their daughter Kate. Please read about her situation and then go to the Father on their behalf. Please.
http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/mcraekate
Day 331 - Friends of mine, Holly and Aaron McRae need your prayers immediately for their daughter Kate. Please read about her situation and then go to the Father on their behalf. Please.
http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/mcraekate
Day 331
Tuesday, February 1st, 2011
Day 331 - February has started off on the wrong foot. Had to put one of our Shelties down today - Scrappy. He hadn't eaten for close to two weeks. Liver failure is what the vet told us.
Leigh's birthday is this Saturday, Bailey's is the week after. Prayers that we can get through.
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